Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Bachelor Episode #4 -- A Review

I should really be playing Assassin’s Creed III right now.

They’re not messing around anymore. Sean is wandering around in his underwear. How long until he’s just parading around naked for the first three minutes of the show?

First Date — Selma
The date card reads, “Let’s turn up the heat.” That’s probably because Selma is hot. Or it’s a reference to the Homeland Security agents who will come arrest her because she is of Iraqi descent.

Leslie H. cries because she didn’t get the date. She’s real bad at counting.

No major injury from Tierra before this week’s date.

Selma is super excited about the private jet and even though she’s wearing workout gear, she’s wondering what glamorous place they’ll be whisked off to. They are dropped off in the middle of the desert. She says, “He took the Iraqi to the desert. I do not do well in heat.” So that’s their problem? I mean, besides the nonexistent WMDs. They hop in a Jeep to go rock climbing.

Is it a surprise that she claims to be afraid of heights? She starts out slow and then finds her rhythm and powers to the top. In fact, she leaves Sean in the dust at one point.

For dinner, they go to a tiny RV park with four different themed RVs. They don’t actually use the RVs, they sit outside because that’s where the producers have set up the lights. He tells her about the serious girlfriend he didn’t want to marry. She tells him she grew up in a strict, conservative home. She was born in Baghdad and was raised a Muslim therefore she doesn’t want to kiss him on TV. He says he understands. Wait, I don’t understand. Is she not kissing him because of her religious beliefs or because of her mom? I’m willing to overlook the religious beliefs excuse but the mom excuse is lame. Be your own damn person. In her one-on-one interview she says, “We’ll have to wait until I’m his only lady.” Good luck with that. You’ve also just taken yourself out of consideration for being the next Bachelorette.

Group Date — Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah, Tierra
The date card reads, “I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches.” Guess what? Tierra is pissed she didn’t get a one-on-one date.

Lindsay says, “I think we’re getting into those big hamster ball things and rolling down a hill.” I think we should climb inside your skull and have an echo contest.

The girls will be playing Roller Derby. Tierra is excited to knock some people down. Sean says, “Amanda and Tierra are going to be really aggressive.” So observant. Amanda tells everyone she’s done this before. She hasn’t done this before. She’s playing mind games. Sarah is struggling. She says, “It’s hard.” SO articulate. She wants to quit. AshLee says, “Sarah, to me, has no disability.” The worst kind of condescension is the well-meaning kind. Sean tells Sarah he doesn’t care if she does it or not. She does it.

Amanda is busy making everyone look bad until she bites it and hits her chin on the floor. The medic tells her she may have a broken jaw. She goes to the hospital. Sean bails everyone out of the Roller Derby game and they have a free skate instead. Boring.

In the evening they head to the roof of a hotel for drinks. Amanda is not there.

Sarah says to Sean, “Today was a good day, right?” Sean, “Is that a question?” Sarah, “Yes?” Pretty much everything she says is a question.

Amanda suddenly appears. She tells us that she’s going to milk this for all it’s worth. She tells him its really painful and swollen. He says he can’t tell. He gives her a little kiss what he calls a “tiny bump on your chin.”

While Sean is making out with Lindsay, Tierra and Robyn get into a fight. Tierra freaks out and tells the producers she wants to go home. Meanwhile, Lindsay has talked Sean into getting into the hot tub. Really? He’s going to bail on all the other girls just sitting on the roof to go hang out in the hot tub with Lindsay? This is the underrated storyline here. Because…

…Tierra meets Sean and Lindsay before they can get into the hot tub. She pulls him away and tells him how hard this is. Classic sympathy rose move. He talks her into staying and he gives her the rose. One time I want to see the Bachelor send a girl home when she pulls this shit. One time. Never gonna happen.

Second Date — Leslie H.
The date card reads, “Could this be forever?” It comes with diamond earrings. Again, this is not going to be forever. It’s probably not even going to be for tonight.

“Ohmygod, I slept with these earrings under my pillow,” says the most annoying girl on the planet. I wish I could impersonate her voice here. She sounds like the dumb dog from a cartoon. 

He takes her to Rodeo drive to go shopping. You know, like in Pretty Woman. She says it’s a dream come true. Because she’s a prostitute? I guess we’re not supposed to think this all the way through, huh? They buy a dress, shoes and a super expensive necklace. When she comes out in the last dress, Sean says, “I think that’s the one.” She says, “Winner, winner, chicken dinner.” Nothing says classy like a chicken dinner. The only thing more boring than watching people shop is watching people slowly skate in a circle.

They talk about past relationships and it’s clear she has no idea how to interact with a human being. He tells her that he didn’t feel the romantic connection click. He doesn’t give her the rose. As she leaves she tells him to watch out for some of the “girls who have roses who aren’t there for the right reasons.” Hmmm, who could that be?

As she drives away, Ben Taylor plays to no one as Sean dramatically drops the rose to the floor. Poignant, Repetitive Reality Show.

The Cocktail Party
Sean and AshLee make out. Sean says, “She doesn’t let the other girls get to her and I love that about her.” AshLee, to me, has no disability.

Robyn tells Sean she has some pickup lines prepared and she tries one about chocolate (you know, because she’s black). It sounds way more dumb than it actually is, though it’s still pretty dumb. Also, lets cheer the fact that we’ll finally have at least three non-whites who will be invited to the After show.

Tierra pulls Robyn and Jackie (why Jackie?) aside and apologizes to them but tells them it’s their fault for making her be a bitch to them. She tells them that she wishes that they would just focus on themselves like she’s doing. Sometimes the jokes write themselves.

Tierra tells Sean, “It’s been hard. For some reason girls have a hard time accepting me for who I am.” Girls? Like every girl you’ve ever known? So the entire female gender is the problem? That probably exactly right. Sean says, “I think you are your own worst enemy and you freak yourself out.” She disagrees and then tells him she’s worried about the other girls changing his opinion of her. But she’s only worrying about herself.

Catherine Sean a card with her lipstick on it as a way to tell her she wants to kiss him. They walk off so they can make out. VEGAN MAKE OUT!

The Rose Ceremony
Selma and Tierra have roses.

The roses are handed out in this order: Catherine, Desiree, Lindsay, Leslie, Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, Jackie, Daniella

Amanda goes home. Really? He saw through her bullshit but he can’t see through Tierra’s? I’m not complaining. She had an annoying smile.

“Heartbreak is such a difficult emotion. It’s not fair. I feel stupid.” At one point she tilts up her chin for the camera as if to remind us that he sent the girl home who went to the hospital. Good for him.

They are going to subject us to two episodes next week. Fortunately, I will be traveling for work so I won’t be able to review either of the episodes. You’ll have to imagine all the snarky things I’ll write about. My prediction: Tierra gets pissed. Other girls get pissed at Tierra. Someone gets stabbed.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Bachelor Episode #3 -- A Review

It’s been a week and I’ve completely forgotten who everyone is. Thankfully, there’s an intro to explain to us exactly what happened last week and what will happen this week.

They’re going to open every show with Sean working out shirtless. Because they know their audience.

First Date — Lesley M.
The card reads, “How long will this love last?” Probably a couple months, max. Does anyone think it’s odd that every Bachelor and Bachelorette ever to appear on this show have had the exact same handwriting?

They take a limo to the Guinness World Records “museum.” Lesley is underwhelmed. Sean says, “She’s fun to interact with.” You interact with an iPhone. I bet he’s excited for the upgrade. Sean tells her his father broke a world record for the shortest time driving through all 48 contiguous states. He then reveals they are going to attempt to break a world record for the longest on-screen kiss. Lesley says, “It’s the coolest thing I could imagine.” That’s one crappy imagination. 

The current record for on-screen kiss is 3 minutes 15 seconds. The Guinness guy comes out to explain to them what a kiss is and then they get to it. For this to count, they have to show us the whole damn thing. Thankfully, they split the screen so we don’t have to stare at an awkward kiss for three minutes. Spoiler Alert: They break the record.

In the evening they have dinner and drinks on the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel. Don’t you like how I pretend to know what that is? He says, “Here’s to breaking records with the only girl I want to break records with.” Either he’s already made his choice or he likes to drop them into very specific boxes.

They make out. He gives her the rose.

Group Date — Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H., Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie, Tierra
The girls meet Sean at the beach. Chris Harrison announces that they are going to play a game of beach volleyball. The winning team will get more time with Sean. The losing team will go home immediately. They all act surprised even though it happens every single season.

The two teams:
Blue Team — Lindsay, Jackie, Robyn, Desiree, Amanda, Kacie
Red Team — Leslie H., Catherine, Taryn, Daniella, Tierra, Kristy

Both teams are terrible. They’re so bad that we only get very, very brief clips of girls diving in the sand. We literally never see a single shot where the ball is returned back over the net. Eventually, Blue Team wins. Sean puts on an appropriate sad face for the Red Team. Kristy completely breaks down. By rule, she’ll be going home. That’s just how this date works.

In the evening the Blue Team goes back to Sean’s place. Two weeks in a row a date ends at his place. Maybe he’s saving up for good dates once he thins the herd a bit.

Lindsay steals Sean away and says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so amazed by you,” and just about every other cliché you can think of. Everything she says sounds like she’s reading from cue cards.

Sean says to Desiree, “You know what I love about you? Your confidence.” I see what you’re doing here, The Bachelor. Keep an eye out for her confidence to be shattered. She spends the rest of the time trying to convince Sean she’s deep. That’s as pointless as trying to convince people you didn’t make up the fake girlfriend who died of cancer during your Heisman Trophy campaign.

Amanda says that she’ll do whatever it takes to get the rose. She tells Sean, “I’ll bring a light, airy, fun to the relationship.” With the girls, she brags about how she’s going to get the rose tonight and says, “It has nothing to do with volleyball.” She’s taunting Desiree. Confidence shattered.

Kacie decides that she needs to talk to Sean about the situation between Desiree and Amanda. You know, because that always works out. He asks her, “Why are you talking to me about it?” She can’t answer. Eventually, he says, “I want you to act like Kacie, not like this crazy person I’m seeing.” Can’t we just send her home now?

He gives Lindsay the rose.

By the way, they tease the ambulance before every single commercial break. You know, in case we forgot.

Third Date — AshLee
The date card reads, “Do you believe in magic?” Tierra reads the date card and pretends that Selma was also going on the date. This pisses off the girls.

Before the date AshLee says, “Honestly, nothing will or should go wrong tonight.” Cue Tierra falling down the stairs. An ambulance is called. What?! There’s an ambulance in this episode?! Why didn’t they tell us in the previews?! They put her in a neck brace. She refuses to go to the hospital. Sean comforts her while AshLee sits waiting for her date.

Sean drives AshLee to Six Flags Magic Mountain. The park has been shut down for them. By the way, she’s wearing high heels and a mini-dress like everyone who goes to amusement parks. Sean tells her that they will be sharing the date with two girls who have a chronic illness. AshLee is so excited she utters complete nonsense: “It thrills my heart.” The two girls are long-distance friends who will be meeting in person for the first time. Brianna and Emily. They both have mitochondrial disease. I don’t know what it is, either. Look it up.

In the evening, they all go to a private concert from the Eli Young band. Cue sick kids montage. Damn, it’s dusty in here.

AshLee and Sean finally have some alone time. When he asks about family she says, “I definitely want to have as many children as my husband and I decide.” Yep, that’s exactly how it works. She talks to him about adoption. She tells him that she wants to adopt an “older” child because she was adopted at six. She reveals she was abused by a foster family and says, “Isn’t that crazy?” No, it’s fucking tragic. Don’t downplay it. “I was never sexually abused. If that’s all I’m walking away with, how lucky am I?” I wouldn’t go playing the lottery, but good for you. She tells him the story of her family and how much they loved her. Sean cries. What the fuck? Are they trying to make me actually like people on this show? Why don’t they throw in a dad who died from cancer while they are at it?

She gets the rose. They kiss.

The Cocktail Party
Sean has a surprise for Sarah. A limo pulls up and she thinks she’s going home. Instead, her dog is in the limo. Might as well put a rose in his mouth while you’re at it.

He goes directly to talk with Tierra. Desiree walks in and steals him away. They sit down, kiss and Tierra immediately steals him back. Cue the stealing Sean montage. Eventually, Jackie interrupts and he’s telling her they took a step back when they get interrupted. C’mon, Sean. All of this is on you. You have the power to stop all this nonsense. Be a fucking man.

The Rose Ceremony
Leslie M, Lindsay and AshLee have roses.

Before he hands out the first rose, he asks to speak with Kacie. He takes her outside with the rose. This is never good for the girl. He says, “I admire you too much to make you stand through another rose ceremony since I know we’re better off being friends.” Instead, he’d rather single her out for a more specific type of embarrassment. She goes home. 

The girls receive roses in this order: Tierra, Leslie H., Catherine, Daniella, Robyn, Selma, Sarah, Jackie, Amanda, Desiree

Kristy and Taryn go home. They both cry. Kristy will be the girl on Bachelor Pad about whom we all will say, “Who is that girl?”

Next week, more drama with Tierra. Surprise.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Bachelor Episode #2 -- A Review

I missed last week’s premiere because I was too busy watching my Irish get stomped by Alabama. Either way, last Monday night would have been three hours I didn’t enjoy. I guess I’ll have to do my best to make fun of their occupations and the way they spell their names in this review.

I guess Sean is our bachelor. He was the guy that was *this close* to making Aryan babies with Emily. Also, something “nerve-wracking” happened last week. Also, they’re going to show us the whole show before the show. This show actually makes you dumber.

We open with shirtless workout and shower shots of Sean. You know for all the ladies and gay guys out there.

Chris Harrison appears to explain the show and say something about how The Bachelor/ette is the most something, something ever. He leaves the date card.

First Date — Sarah
The card reads, “Are you ready to fall in love today?”

Sarah is an amputee. Or maybe she was born without the lower half of her left arm. Or maybe she misplaced it. Anyway, it’s going to make it real hard for the other girls to talk trash about her when she gets dates and roses and they don’t. They even make her say, “…on the inside is what makes me special.”

Oh, Helicopter. I can barely muster up any feelings for you. I feel like we’ve really let it slip away this time. Let’s just be friends.

WHAAAAAAT?! There are three black girls on the show this time? What is going on? This show was the last show on TV that hadn’t made anything past a token effort to acknowledge that any kind of diversity exists in our country. Prepare for angry letters from Mississippi, The Bachelor.

Sarah says, “My ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have.” Right. That only affects your ability to handjob someone. Is this girl also a brain amputee?

They land on top of a building in downtown L.A. Yep, they’re going back to the jumping/repelling off a tall building well. They are dropped 300 feet in free-fall. They don’t die, but Sarah comes out of it with only one and a half arms.

At dinner Sarah tells him she tried to zip-line in Vegas. When she was ready to go, someone told her she wasn’t allowed because she’s disabled. We’re not sure if it’s because of her arm or because she’s really dumb. Regardless, she’s happy Sean didn’t discriminate in the same way. She says, “He’s the perfect guy for me.” Rush into things much? That’s how you lose an… Okay, I’m done.

He gives her the rose. They kiss.

Second Date — Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Leslie M., Daniella, Catherine, Lesley, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Kacie, Tierra
The card reads, “Let’s capture the romance.” Everyone sounds disappointed when Tierra’s name is called. We’re not even two full episodes in and everyone has decided they hate her.

By the way, this is the first time I’m watching this show in HD. Yikes. Lots of rough skin with this crew. So glad I didn’t have HD when Lindzi was on.

Sean is waiting for the girls at a huge mansion for a photo shoot. Yes, it’s the enormous group date photo/video shoot that we always see on the first group date. They are going to be cover models for Harlequin Novels. At the end, someone will be selected to appear on the cover of actual bad romance novels.

While the other girls talk trash about Tierra with their makeup girls, Tierra says in her one-on-one interview, “Trust me, I’m smart.” If you have to tell people you’re smart…

Daniella says, “I’m most excited for MY photo shoot.” This is the appropriate response to your situation, Daniella.

The sparks are flying for Leslie and Sean’s shoot so the photographer tells her to kiss him. Thank you, photographer, for flipping the crazy switch.

Kristy (who is apparently a model) takes control of her shoot and steams it up with Sean. Even the other girls admit it was hot. Too bad Kristy is completely annoying. Kristy is declared the winner and she and Sean will appear on the cover of three books that you’ll soon see on the shelves of a grocery store near you.

Meanwhile, Tierra is trying to set a record for saying, “I’m here for Sean.”

After the shoot, they head outside for a pool party. Lesley steals him away first. He asks her for “the real reason your here, right now.” She says, “For love.” How else is she supposed to answer that question, Sean? They then have awkward moments where they both want to kiss each other but don’t. Ah, eighth grade was awesome. Eventually, Leslie tracks him down again and weirdly makes out with him. Leslie, if you’re going to go back for a kiss, GO BACK FOR A KISS. Don’t be all wishy-washy and unclear. Just say, “I forgot to give you something,” and kiss the dude.

He keeps taking these women into this weird, creepy, dark room with gilded sofas. It feels like the whorehouse from Game of Thrones. 

Kacie (who was on Ben’s season — you know, the one with the awful hair) admits that she had a crush on Sean from meeting him at various Bachelor/Bachelorette events. He says he always thought of her as his “good girlfriend.” He doesn’t send her home and tells her he wants to see where this goes because he’s too polite to tell her he’s not interested.

Catherine says to him, “I’m a vegan but I love the beef.” She tries to explain that she likes him because he’s hunky so it doesn’t sound like she likes the dick. We all know what she means. Or do we?

Guess what? Tierra pouts and Sean notices and he tries to make her comfortable. She’s working hard for the pity rose. Let’s hope Sean’s smart enough to see through it. I’m not holding my breath. 

Katie is freaked out. She’s also the only one there who has worse hair than Kacie. She tells Sean that she’s not comfortable at all and that she needs to go home. Without hesitation Sean says, “Okay, let me walk you out then.”

He gives the rose to Kacie.

Everyone gets worried because they didn’t get the rose. When will these girls learn that there are more roses later?

Third Date — Desiree
The card reads, “Love is priceless.”

He meets Chris Harrison at an art exhibit where they will play a prank on Desiree. A piece of art is going to crash to the ground and she’s going to get blamed while Chris and Sean watch from the TV truck. It’s two bad reality shows rolled into one.

They show up at the “art gallery” where a bunch of people are milling around. Since when was there ever a date where other people were just roaming around? I’d be immediately suspicious. The curator takes Sean and Desiree into a back room where they are keeping the fake priceless piece of art. A producer pulls Sean away. The curator leaves to get a photographer and Desiree is alone with the piece of art. It crashes to the floor. When the photographer arrives Desiree says, “It fell. I didn’t touch anything.” Then the artist comes in and freaks out. Sean’s feeling bad so he jumps in and rescues her. She’s a good sport about it.

In the evening, he takes her back to his place for dinner. I’m sure she’s thrilled. Instead of helicopters and private islands, she got a prank and grilled cheese. They say boring stuff about how their parents are exactly alike. Then they get in the hot tub. It’s clear they both really like each other and it’s incredibly boring.

She accepts the rose, but not before leaving him hanging for a while as retribution for the prank. They make out in the pool. He’s calling her “Des.” She’s already attained nickname status.

The Cocktail Party
Apparently, Lindsay wore a wedding dress in the premiere. She apologizes. Then they have the most boring conversation ever. Is Chris Harrison touting this as the “least interesting season ever”?

Amanda decides to tune everyone out and is completely unresponsive. Ultimate power move. All the girls freak out for some reason. They’re dumb? Yeah, that’s probably the reason.

Robyn (one of the black girls) says to Sean, “I have been noticing that the show is becoming more culturally diverse.” Why? Because there are three black girls and an Asian girl? It’s a rainbow of diversity. Robyn asks him about what he finds attractive. Basically, she’s asking him if he digs the brown sugar. He digs the brown sugar but he says it in the most white guy way possible.

Selma teaches him how to say, “You are very beautiful,” in Arabic. Then Homeland Security swoops in and takes her away in handcuffs.

When Sean comes to get Amanda, she sheds her pout mask and explodes with energy. This drives the other girls crazy. Why is it so easy?

The Rose Ceremony
Sean gives roses to: AshLee (yes, the ‘L’ is capitalized), Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Leslie M., Selma, Catherine, Kristy, Leslie H., Tierra, Taryn, Daniella and Amanda. There should be some kind of rule about no two girls having the same name no matter how it’s spelled. It would make these reviews much easier.

Brooke goes home. She doesn’t seem too broken up about it at first and then gets a little weepy before she walks off. What, no car? Is it because she’s black?

Diana goes home. He tells her that he didn’t feel right keeping her away from her girls if he didn’t feel it.

Next week, Ambulances! No surprise that Tierra is at the center of that drama. I hope Sean says, “Keep her,” to the ambulance driver as they take her away.