I missed last week’s premiere because I was too busy watching my Irish get stomped by Alabama. Either way, last Monday night would have been three hours I didn’t enjoy. I guess I’ll have to do my best to make fun of their occupations and the way they spell their names in this review.
I guess Sean is our bachelor. He was the guy that was *this close* to making Aryan babies with Emily. Also, something “nerve-wracking” happened last week. Also, they’re going to show us the whole show before the show. This show actually makes you dumber.
We open with shirtless workout and shower shots of Sean. You know for all the ladies and gay guys out there.
Chris Harrison appears to explain the show and say something about how The Bachelor/ette is the most something, something ever. He leaves the date card.
First Date — Sarah
The card reads, “Are you ready to fall in love today?”
Sarah is an amputee. Or maybe she was born without the lower half of her left arm. Or maybe she misplaced it. Anyway, it’s going to make it real hard for the other girls to talk trash about her when she gets dates and roses and they don’t. They even make her say, “…on the inside is what makes me special.”
Oh, Helicopter. I can barely muster up any feelings for you. I feel like we’ve really let it slip away this time. Let’s just be friends.
WHAAAAAAT?! There are three black girls on the show this time? What is going on? This show was the last show on TV that hadn’t made anything past a token effort to acknowledge that any kind of diversity exists in our country. Prepare for angry letters from Mississippi, The Bachelor.
Sarah says, “My ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have.” Right. That only affects your ability to handjob someone. Is this girl also a brain amputee?
They land on top of a building in downtown L.A. Yep, they’re going back to the jumping/repelling off a tall building well. They are dropped 300 feet in free-fall. They don’t die, but Sarah comes out of it with only one and a half arms.
At dinner Sarah tells him she tried to zip-line in Vegas. When she was ready to go, someone told her she wasn’t allowed because she’s disabled. We’re not sure if it’s because of her arm or because she’s really dumb. Regardless, she’s happy Sean didn’t discriminate in the same way. She says, “He’s the perfect guy for me.” Rush into things much? That’s how you lose an… Okay, I’m done.
He gives her the rose. They kiss.
Second Date — Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Leslie M., Daniella, Catherine, Lesley, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Kacie, Tierra
The card reads, “Let’s capture the romance.” Everyone sounds disappointed when Tierra’s name is called. We’re not even two full episodes in and everyone has decided they hate her.
By the way, this is the first time I’m watching this show in HD. Yikes. Lots of rough skin with this crew. So glad I didn’t have HD when Lindzi was on.
Sean is waiting for the girls at a huge mansion for a photo shoot. Yes, it’s the enormous group date photo/video shoot that we always see on the first group date. They are going to be cover models for Harlequin Novels. At the end, someone will be selected to appear on the cover of actual bad romance novels.
While the other girls talk trash about Tierra with their makeup girls, Tierra says in her one-on-one interview, “Trust me, I’m smart.” If you have to tell people you’re smart…
Daniella says, “I’m most excited for MY photo shoot.” This is the appropriate response to your situation, Daniella.
The sparks are flying for Leslie and Sean’s shoot so the photographer tells her to kiss him. Thank you, photographer, for flipping the crazy switch.
Kristy (who is apparently a model) takes control of her shoot and steams it up with Sean. Even the other girls admit it was hot. Too bad Kristy is completely annoying. Kristy is declared the winner and she and Sean will appear on the cover of three books that you’ll soon see on the shelves of a grocery store near you.
Meanwhile, Tierra is trying to set a record for saying, “I’m here for Sean.”
After the shoot, they head outside for a pool party. Lesley steals him away first. He asks her for “the real reason your here, right now.” She says, “For love.” How else is she supposed to answer that question, Sean? They then have awkward moments where they both want to kiss each other but don’t. Ah, eighth grade was awesome. Eventually, Leslie tracks him down again and weirdly makes out with him. Leslie, if you’re going to go back for a kiss, GO BACK FOR A KISS. Don’t be all wishy-washy and unclear. Just say, “I forgot to give you something,” and kiss the dude.
He keeps taking these women into this weird, creepy, dark room with gilded sofas. It feels like the whorehouse from Game of Thrones.
Kacie (who was on Ben’s season — you know, the one with the awful hair) admits that she had a crush on Sean from meeting him at various Bachelor/Bachelorette events. He says he always thought of her as his “good girlfriend.” He doesn’t send her home and tells her he wants to see where this goes because he’s too polite to tell her he’s not interested.
Catherine says to him, “I’m a vegan but I love the beef.” She tries to explain that she likes him because he’s hunky so it doesn’t sound like she likes the dick. We all know what she means. Or do we?
Guess what? Tierra pouts and Sean notices and he tries to make her comfortable. She’s working hard for the pity rose. Let’s hope Sean’s smart enough to see through it. I’m not holding my breath.
Katie is freaked out. She’s also the only one there who has worse hair than Kacie. She tells Sean that she’s not comfortable at all and that she needs to go home. Without hesitation Sean says, “Okay, let me walk you out then.”
He gives the rose to Kacie.
Everyone gets worried because they didn’t get the rose. When will these girls learn that there are more roses later?
Third Date — Desiree
The card reads, “Love is priceless.”
He meets Chris Harrison at an art exhibit where they will play a prank on Desiree. A piece of art is going to crash to the ground and she’s going to get blamed while Chris and Sean watch from the TV truck. It’s two bad reality shows rolled into one.
They show up at the “art gallery” where a bunch of people are milling around. Since when was there ever a date where other people were just roaming around? I’d be immediately suspicious. The curator takes Sean and Desiree into a back room where they are keeping the fake priceless piece of art. A producer pulls Sean away. The curator leaves to get a photographer and Desiree is alone with the piece of art. It crashes to the floor. When the photographer arrives Desiree says, “It fell. I didn’t touch anything.” Then the artist comes in and freaks out. Sean’s feeling bad so he jumps in and rescues her. She’s a good sport about it.
In the evening, he takes her back to his place for dinner. I’m sure she’s thrilled. Instead of helicopters and private islands, she got a prank and grilled cheese. They say boring stuff about how their parents are exactly alike. Then they get in the hot tub. It’s clear they both really like each other and it’s incredibly boring.
She accepts the rose, but not before leaving him hanging for a while as retribution for the prank. They make out in the pool. He’s calling her “Des.” She’s already attained nickname status.
The Cocktail Party
Apparently, Lindsay wore a wedding dress in the premiere. She apologizes. Then they have the most boring conversation ever. Is Chris Harrison touting this as the “least interesting season ever”?
Amanda decides to tune everyone out and is completely unresponsive. Ultimate power move. All the girls freak out for some reason. They’re dumb? Yeah, that’s probably the reason.
Robyn (one of the black girls) says to Sean, “I have been noticing that the show is becoming more culturally diverse.” Why? Because there are three black girls and an Asian girl? It’s a rainbow of diversity. Robyn asks him about what he finds attractive. Basically, she’s asking him if he digs the brown sugar. He digs the brown sugar but he says it in the most white guy way possible.
Selma teaches him how to say, “You are very beautiful,” in Arabic. Then Homeland Security swoops in and takes her away in handcuffs.
When Sean comes to get Amanda, she sheds her pout mask and explodes with energy. This drives the other girls crazy. Why is it so easy?
The Rose Ceremony
Sean gives roses to: AshLee (yes, the ‘L’ is capitalized), Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Leslie M., Selma, Catherine, Kristy, Leslie H., Tierra, Taryn, Daniella and Amanda. There should be some kind of rule about no two girls having the same name no matter how it’s spelled. It would make these reviews much easier.
Brooke goes home. She doesn’t seem too broken up about it at first and then gets a little weepy before she walks off. What, no car? Is it because she’s black?
Diana goes home. He tells her that he didn’t feel right keeping her away from her girls if he didn’t feel it.
Next week, Ambulances! No surprise that Tierra is at the center of that drama. I hope Sean says, “Keep her,” to the ambulance driver as they take her away.