It’s been a week and I’ve completely forgotten who everyone is. Thankfully, there’s an intro to explain to us exactly what happened last week and what will happen this week.
They’re going to open every show with Sean working out shirtless. Because they know their audience.
First Date — Lesley M.
The card reads, “How long will this love last?” Probably a couple months, max. Does anyone think it’s odd that every Bachelor and Bachelorette ever to appear on this show have had the exact same handwriting?
They take a limo to the Guinness World Records “museum.” Lesley is underwhelmed. Sean says, “She’s fun to interact with.” You interact with an iPhone. I bet he’s excited for the upgrade. Sean tells her his father broke a world record for the shortest time driving through all 48 contiguous states. He then reveals they are going to attempt to break a world record for the longest on-screen kiss. Lesley says, “It’s the coolest thing I could imagine.” That’s one crappy imagination.
The current record for on-screen kiss is 3 minutes 15 seconds. The Guinness guy comes out to explain to them what a kiss is and then they get to it. For this to count, they have to show us the whole damn thing. Thankfully, they split the screen so we don’t have to stare at an awkward kiss for three minutes. Spoiler Alert: They break the record.
In the evening they have dinner and drinks on the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel. Don’t you like how I pretend to know what that is? He says, “Here’s to breaking records with the only girl I want to break records with.” Either he’s already made his choice or he likes to drop them into very specific boxes.
They make out. He gives her the rose.
Group Date — Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H., Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie, Tierra
The girls meet Sean at the beach. Chris Harrison announces that they are going to play a game of beach volleyball. The winning team will get more time with Sean. The losing team will go home immediately. They all act surprised even though it happens every single season.
The two teams:
Blue Team — Lindsay, Jackie, Robyn, Desiree, Amanda, Kacie
Red Team — Leslie H., Catherine, Taryn, Daniella, Tierra, Kristy
Both teams are terrible. They’re so bad that we only get very, very brief clips of girls diving in the sand. We literally never see a single shot where the ball is returned back over the net. Eventually, Blue Team wins. Sean puts on an appropriate sad face for the Red Team. Kristy completely breaks down. By rule, she’ll be going home. That’s just how this date works.
In the evening the Blue Team goes back to Sean’s place. Two weeks in a row a date ends at his place. Maybe he’s saving up for good dates once he thins the herd a bit.
Lindsay steals Sean away and says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so amazed by you,” and just about every other cliché you can think of. Everything she says sounds like she’s reading from cue cards.
Sean says to Desiree, “You know what I love about you? Your confidence.” I see what you’re doing here, The Bachelor. Keep an eye out for her confidence to be shattered. She spends the rest of the time trying to convince Sean she’s deep. That’s as pointless as trying to convince people you didn’t make up the fake girlfriend who died of cancer during your Heisman Trophy campaign.
Amanda says that she’ll do whatever it takes to get the rose. She tells Sean, “I’ll bring a light, airy, fun to the relationship.” With the girls, she brags about how she’s going to get the rose tonight and says, “It has nothing to do with volleyball.” She’s taunting Desiree. Confidence shattered.
Kacie decides that she needs to talk to Sean about the situation between Desiree and Amanda. You know, because that always works out. He asks her, “Why are you talking to me about it?” She can’t answer. Eventually, he says, “I want you to act like Kacie, not like this crazy person I’m seeing.” Can’t we just send her home now?
He gives Lindsay the rose.
By the way, they tease the ambulance before every single commercial break. You know, in case we forgot.
Third Date — AshLee
The date card reads, “Do you believe in magic?” Tierra reads the date card and pretends that Selma was also going on the date. This pisses off the girls.
Before the date AshLee says, “Honestly, nothing will or should go wrong tonight.” Cue Tierra falling down the stairs. An ambulance is called. What?! There’s an ambulance in this episode?! Why didn’t they tell us in the previews?! They put her in a neck brace. She refuses to go to the hospital. Sean comforts her while AshLee sits waiting for her date.
Sean drives AshLee to Six Flags Magic Mountain. The park has been shut down for them. By the way, she’s wearing high heels and a mini-dress like everyone who goes to amusement parks. Sean tells her that they will be sharing the date with two girls who have a chronic illness. AshLee is so excited she utters complete nonsense: “It thrills my heart.” The two girls are long-distance friends who will be meeting in person for the first time. Brianna and Emily. They both have mitochondrial disease. I don’t know what it is, either. Look it up.
In the evening, they all go to a private concert from the Eli Young band. Cue sick kids montage. Damn, it’s dusty in here.
AshLee and Sean finally have some alone time. When he asks about family she says, “I definitely want to have as many children as my husband and I decide.” Yep, that’s exactly how it works. She talks to him about adoption. She tells him that she wants to adopt an “older” child because she was adopted at six. She reveals she was abused by a foster family and says, “Isn’t that crazy?” No, it’s fucking tragic. Don’t downplay it. “I was never sexually abused. If that’s all I’m walking away with, how lucky am I?” I wouldn’t go playing the lottery, but good for you. She tells him the story of her family and how much they loved her. Sean cries. What the fuck? Are they trying to make me actually like people on this show? Why don’t they throw in a dad who died from cancer while they are at it?
She gets the rose. They kiss.
The Cocktail Party
Sean has a surprise for Sarah. A limo pulls up and she thinks she’s going home. Instead, her dog is in the limo. Might as well put a rose in his mouth while you’re at it.
He goes directly to talk with Tierra. Desiree walks in and steals him away. They sit down, kiss and Tierra immediately steals him back. Cue the stealing Sean montage. Eventually, Jackie interrupts and he’s telling her they took a step back when they get interrupted. C’mon, Sean. All of this is on you. You have the power to stop all this nonsense. Be a fucking man.
The Rose Ceremony
Leslie M, Lindsay and AshLee have roses.
Before he hands out the first rose, he asks to speak with Kacie. He takes her outside with the rose. This is never good for the girl. He says, “I admire you too much to make you stand through another rose ceremony since I know we’re better off being friends.” Instead, he’d rather single her out for a more specific type of embarrassment. She goes home.
The girls receive roses in this order: Tierra, Leslie H., Catherine, Daniella, Robyn, Selma, Sarah, Jackie, Amanda, Desiree
Kristy and Taryn go home. They both cry. Kristy will be the girl on Bachelor Pad about whom we all will say, “Who is that girl?”
Next week, more drama with Tierra. Surprise.