Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Bachelor Episode #4 -- A Review

I should really be playing Assassin’s Creed III right now.

They’re not messing around anymore. Sean is wandering around in his underwear. How long until he’s just parading around naked for the first three minutes of the show?

First Date — Selma
The date card reads, “Let’s turn up the heat.” That’s probably because Selma is hot. Or it’s a reference to the Homeland Security agents who will come arrest her because she is of Iraqi descent.

Leslie H. cries because she didn’t get the date. She’s real bad at counting.

No major injury from Tierra before this week’s date.

Selma is super excited about the private jet and even though she’s wearing workout gear, she’s wondering what glamorous place they’ll be whisked off to. They are dropped off in the middle of the desert. She says, “He took the Iraqi to the desert. I do not do well in heat.” So that’s their problem? I mean, besides the nonexistent WMDs. They hop in a Jeep to go rock climbing.

Is it a surprise that she claims to be afraid of heights? She starts out slow and then finds her rhythm and powers to the top. In fact, she leaves Sean in the dust at one point.

For dinner, they go to a tiny RV park with four different themed RVs. They don’t actually use the RVs, they sit outside because that’s where the producers have set up the lights. He tells her about the serious girlfriend he didn’t want to marry. She tells him she grew up in a strict, conservative home. She was born in Baghdad and was raised a Muslim therefore she doesn’t want to kiss him on TV. He says he understands. Wait, I don’t understand. Is she not kissing him because of her religious beliefs or because of her mom? I’m willing to overlook the religious beliefs excuse but the mom excuse is lame. Be your own damn person. In her one-on-one interview she says, “We’ll have to wait until I’m his only lady.” Good luck with that. You’ve also just taken yourself out of consideration for being the next Bachelorette.

Group Date — Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah, Tierra
The date card reads, “I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches.” Guess what? Tierra is pissed she didn’t get a one-on-one date.

Lindsay says, “I think we’re getting into those big hamster ball things and rolling down a hill.” I think we should climb inside your skull and have an echo contest.

The girls will be playing Roller Derby. Tierra is excited to knock some people down. Sean says, “Amanda and Tierra are going to be really aggressive.” So observant. Amanda tells everyone she’s done this before. She hasn’t done this before. She’s playing mind games. Sarah is struggling. She says, “It’s hard.” SO articulate. She wants to quit. AshLee says, “Sarah, to me, has no disability.” The worst kind of condescension is the well-meaning kind. Sean tells Sarah he doesn’t care if she does it or not. She does it.

Amanda is busy making everyone look bad until she bites it and hits her chin on the floor. The medic tells her she may have a broken jaw. She goes to the hospital. Sean bails everyone out of the Roller Derby game and they have a free skate instead. Boring.

In the evening they head to the roof of a hotel for drinks. Amanda is not there.

Sarah says to Sean, “Today was a good day, right?” Sean, “Is that a question?” Sarah, “Yes?” Pretty much everything she says is a question.

Amanda suddenly appears. She tells us that she’s going to milk this for all it’s worth. She tells him its really painful and swollen. He says he can’t tell. He gives her a little kiss what he calls a “tiny bump on your chin.”

While Sean is making out with Lindsay, Tierra and Robyn get into a fight. Tierra freaks out and tells the producers she wants to go home. Meanwhile, Lindsay has talked Sean into getting into the hot tub. Really? He’s going to bail on all the other girls just sitting on the roof to go hang out in the hot tub with Lindsay? This is the underrated storyline here. Because…

…Tierra meets Sean and Lindsay before they can get into the hot tub. She pulls him away and tells him how hard this is. Classic sympathy rose move. He talks her into staying and he gives her the rose. One time I want to see the Bachelor send a girl home when she pulls this shit. One time. Never gonna happen.

Second Date — Leslie H.
The date card reads, “Could this be forever?” It comes with diamond earrings. Again, this is not going to be forever. It’s probably not even going to be for tonight.

“Ohmygod, I slept with these earrings under my pillow,” says the most annoying girl on the planet. I wish I could impersonate her voice here. She sounds like the dumb dog from a cartoon. 

He takes her to Rodeo drive to go shopping. You know, like in Pretty Woman. She says it’s a dream come true. Because she’s a prostitute? I guess we’re not supposed to think this all the way through, huh? They buy a dress, shoes and a super expensive necklace. When she comes out in the last dress, Sean says, “I think that’s the one.” She says, “Winner, winner, chicken dinner.” Nothing says classy like a chicken dinner. The only thing more boring than watching people shop is watching people slowly skate in a circle.

They talk about past relationships and it’s clear she has no idea how to interact with a human being. He tells her that he didn’t feel the romantic connection click. He doesn’t give her the rose. As she leaves she tells him to watch out for some of the “girls who have roses who aren’t there for the right reasons.” Hmmm, who could that be?

As she drives away, Ben Taylor plays to no one as Sean dramatically drops the rose to the floor. Poignant, Repetitive Reality Show.

The Cocktail Party
Sean and AshLee make out. Sean says, “She doesn’t let the other girls get to her and I love that about her.” AshLee, to me, has no disability.

Robyn tells Sean she has some pickup lines prepared and she tries one about chocolate (you know, because she’s black). It sounds way more dumb than it actually is, though it’s still pretty dumb. Also, lets cheer the fact that we’ll finally have at least three non-whites who will be invited to the After show.

Tierra pulls Robyn and Jackie (why Jackie?) aside and apologizes to them but tells them it’s their fault for making her be a bitch to them. She tells them that she wishes that they would just focus on themselves like she’s doing. Sometimes the jokes write themselves.

Tierra tells Sean, “It’s been hard. For some reason girls have a hard time accepting me for who I am.” Girls? Like every girl you’ve ever known? So the entire female gender is the problem? That probably exactly right. Sean says, “I think you are your own worst enemy and you freak yourself out.” She disagrees and then tells him she’s worried about the other girls changing his opinion of her. But she’s only worrying about herself.

Catherine Sean a card with her lipstick on it as a way to tell her she wants to kiss him. They walk off so they can make out. VEGAN MAKE OUT!

The Rose Ceremony
Selma and Tierra have roses.

The roses are handed out in this order: Catherine, Desiree, Lindsay, Leslie, Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, Jackie, Daniella

Amanda goes home. Really? He saw through her bullshit but he can’t see through Tierra’s? I’m not complaining. She had an annoying smile.

“Heartbreak is such a difficult emotion. It’s not fair. I feel stupid.” At one point she tilts up her chin for the camera as if to remind us that he sent the girl home who went to the hospital. Good for him.

They are going to subject us to two episodes next week. Fortunately, I will be traveling for work so I won’t be able to review either of the episodes. You’ll have to imagine all the snarky things I’ll write about. My prediction: Tierra gets pissed. Other girls get pissed at Tierra. Someone gets stabbed.

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