Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The Bachelor Episode #9 - A Review

Sean and the three remaining ladies are in Thailand. Based on the lead-in, there’s going to be a lot of making out in bathing suits.

Because ABC has no other programming, they have to fill two hours. This means we’re shown recaps of every single date that Sean has had with each of these girls. It’s the only show that is more than happy to waste your time by replaying itself and passing it off as new. Therefore, I’m going to put about as much effort into this review as the producers put into this episode.

First Date — Lindsay
Is Lindsay going to say, “I love you,” to Sean? Guys, that’s really important.

They eat bugs. Insert relationship metaphor here.

Oh man, she totally almost said, “I love you.” So close.

MONKEYS! MAKE OUTS! The monkeys are all like, “Get a room. Also, MOAR GRAPES!”

Dinner. Weird boats. Weird dancing. Lindsay says, “I love you.” No, wait. She doesn’t. Man, I thought we had it there.


Will she accept the Fantasy Suite? She doesn’t hesitate. The monkeys are happy they finally got a room.

Oh, this is it. She’s totally going to say it. There it is! She finally said, “I love you.” It’s even more anti-climactic than I portrayed it.

Second Date — AshLee
Ugh. You know how these dates go. She takes everything too seriously and cries a lot.

Because Sean likes to torture her, they have to swim through a cave. Does AshLee think it’s a metaphor for their relationship? Of course she does. This time it actually is. The cave represents how in the dark she is about their relationship. The dark nothingness also represents her sense of humor.

She’s the worst. Can we have Tierra back?

She’s weird about the Fantasy Suite but says yes anyway. In the Fantasy Suite she tells him what kind of engagement ring she wants.

See? Totally the worst.

Third Date — Catherine
Boring, boring, boring, boring, boring.


She can’t answer questions about the future because she can’t believe she’s still here. Neither can I.

Boring, boring, boring, boring, boring.

She accepts the Fantasy Suite. By the way, I totally believe him when he says he just wants to talk. Plus, my wife says that her super-reliable celebrity magazines say that he didn’t sex any of them. Good for him?

The Rose Ceremony
Let’s chat with Chris Harrison so we can justify his salary. Chris tells him the girls each made videos for him. Guess what? AshLee cries through her whole video.

Sean knows who he’s sending home, he says, “I just know I’m not supposed to be with her. I’m worried that she won’t be okay after today.”

Lindsay and Catherine get the roses.

AshLee storms past Sean as he mumbles, “Can I walk you out?” Half way to the car she says, “Just stay here.” He asks to explain himself and she stops. He starts to explain himself and then wilts under her angry glare.

In the car AshLee says, “This wasn’t a silly game to me. This wasn’t about a joyride and about laughter and joking and having fun.” Yes, that’s exactly why he sent you home. You are NOT FUN. We’ll see you in the role of Always Crying Girl on The Bachelor Pad.

Next week is the Women Tell All episode. Get ready for a Tierra pile-on that will almost make her a sympathetic character.


Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Bachelor Episode #8 - A Review

It’s hometown week. Sean gets to match up four uninteresting families with four uninteresting girls.

AshLee — Houston, TX
Of course AshLee has a tiny little dog that she takes everywhere. While ruminating about her relationship with Sean, she says, “What if Sean doesn’t choose me in the end?” Then we’ll see you on Bachelor Pad.

They have a picnic in a meadow. Look, I was just in Houston. There were no meadows. There were a ton of creepy blackbirds all over the place, but no meadows. Call it a suburb and be done with it. She reveals that her father is a pastor. He says that his father is a reverend. They both seem to understand the distinction and think it’s interesting. When Dee and I were dating we had a similar exchange: I said, “My mom has a suitcase.” She said, “My mom has a purse.” That’s when we knew it was forever. 

After their picnic in the park, she says, “I am ultimately ready to marry Sean.” I’m ultimately ready for you to be off this show.

At AshLee’s parent’s house, they have dinner in the back yard. AshLee tells her parents about the polar bear plunge and nearly starts crying. She paints it as some kind of metaphor for her ability to let go with Sean. Only Donald Trump takes himself more seriously than AshLee. For some reason she thinks it’s appropriate to talk about the “romance on the beach” on one of their dates. The parents are less than pleased.

AshLee’s mom asks Sean, “What are your intentions for AshLee? Are you going to break her heart?” He basically says no because what else is he going to say?

Before he meets with AshLee’s dad, Sean says, “I hope he doesn’t ask me if I’m in love with his daughter.” The first thing AshLee’s dad asks is, “Are you in love with my daughter?” What did Sean expect him to ask? Do you like AshLee’s shoes? Sean asks about AshLee’s marriage at 17 and says “You had to sign off on that.” Dad says, “It was a sad day in my life. If I had it to do over again, I probably would have done it different.” Differently. You would have done it differently, AshLee’s Dad. 

Sean asks for permission to propose to AshLee. The dad gives him permission.

Cut to AshLee completely downplaying her relationship with Sean just like she always does. She says, “Sean makes me feel like I can conquer anything. Today has been magical, just magical. Like there’s pixie dust everywhere.” Ugh. Pixie dust sucks. It’s so hard to get off your clothes.

Catherine — Seattle, WA
They meet at the fish market. Sean jumps in and catches some fish from the guys who chuck fish around. Why do they chuck fish exactly?

Also, who in the hell is this person Sean is on a date with? Suddenly Catherine is weird and crazy and super annoying. It’s like she forgot to take her Ritalin. 

Sean meets Catherine’s mom, grandmother and two sisters. It’s an estrogen fest up in here.
Catherine tells her sisters how much she likes him. They ask her if she would say yes if he asked her to marry him. She kinda says she would, but it’s not a clear answer. Her sisters aren’t buying it and she doesn’t feel good about their talk.

Sean asks her sisters, “Do you think she’s honestly in a place where she can settle down?” Sister, “I can’t see her having kids right away. She goes in 100% with guys and makes it fun and then when it’s not fun anymore…” She trails off and then they both start giving the same kind of non-answers that Catherine gave them.

Catherine’s mom tells Sean, “This is an adventure and will it work? I don’t know.” When he asks for her blessing to propose she says, “You shouldn’t lead her on because we wouldn’t want that and she shouldn’t lead you on.” Not answering questions runs in the family.

Lindsay — Fort Leonard Wood, MO
Lindsay’s dad is a two-star general. This frightens Sean. Is it because he’s trained to kill?

They walk around the town and visit antique shops. Sean asks Lindsay what he should call her dad. She doesn’t know. Really, Lindsay? What have you been paying attention to your whole life? Sean then asks, “Do you think he’ll ask me hard questions?” Are you afraid of hard questions? Maybe you should be asking about his skills as an assassin.

She puts Sean in an Army t-shirt and green cargo pants and then pretends to be his drill sergeant.  It’s clearly a bit the producers wanted them to do because neither of them are into it. Neither are any of the viewers.

Sean says to Lindsay’s mom, “I’m just crazy about your daughter and I think she’s so special.” Which is only about the third time we’ve heard him say that this episode. She asks him if she loves Lindsay. He says, “When I say ‘I love you’ it means that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” She loves that answer because she has no bullshit detector. 

General Dad tells Sean his biggest concern is that that this thing ends with Lindsay getting hurt. Sean asks for his blessing to propose. “So are you asking me for my blessing now? Well, that’s kinda tough. I don’t think I’ve ever been asked a tougher question in my life.” Then he goes on about being a paratrooper for a while. Eventually, he gives his blessing. Then he says, “If Lindsay says yes, you have my blessing. If she doesn’t say yes then you don’t have my blessing anymore.” Yeah, it’s kinda a moot point if she says no, General Genius.

Before he goes, Lindsay’s dad gives him a set of dog tags. One has a bunch of words on it like the words they put on posters of cats hanging from branches.

Desiree — Los Angeles, CA
They go for a hike.

Sean and Desiree prepare dinner at her place. A guy comes to the door and he wants to talk to Des. He suddenly blurts out, “Des, I love you.” The guy calls Sean an actor. This is so poorly done that it’s clearly fake. The producers try to build it up but they can’t sell this piece of crap. She eventually reveals that it’s a prank. We’ve all stopped rooting for Desiree.

He meets Desiree’s mom, dad and brother. Whoa. Are they British? They all have awful teeth.
Desiree’s mom says to her, “He’s a sweet guy. Good looking, too.”

We don’t actually see Sean and Desiree’s dad talk but we see them hug after. I guess we’re supposed to assume things went well?

Desiree tells her brother, Nate, that she thinks her relationship with Sean is the strongest among all the girls. She tells him that Sean makes her happy. Nate replies, “Psshhht. A lot of guys will make you happy but that’s not what it’s about.” No? What is it about, Nate? I just celebrated my 5th wedding anniversary and making each other happy is pretty fucking important. I guess I’m missing the point, bro.

Nate, “I don’t think this is going to work. I think this is stupid almost.” You’re right, Nate, but you don’t have to be a dick about it.

Nate asks Sean to talk by saying, “Hey Sean, mind if I holla at choo real fast.” Sure, bro. Let’s holla. Nate says that he doesn’t think that Sean is into her. Sean tells him that he is “crazy about your sister.” Nate’s not buying it. He says, “I just think you’re a playboy having fun with what comes along.” Sean tells him that he’s got the wrong impression. He’s clearly on the edge of blowing up.

When they return from their talk, Desiree says, “I know you’re skeptical…” He says, “To say the least.” Then it gets even more awkward.

Sean and Desiree step outside. They quickly kiss and Sean bails the fuck out. He’s clearly weirded out by the whole thing.

Back in the house Desiree and her parents all pile on Nate for being a dick. He says, “He is not the one, Des. HE IS NOT THE ONE.”

Chat with Chris Harrison
Sean tells Chris he still has questions about Des and Catherine. He says he has no idea who he’s going to send home. It’s between Catherine and Des. He’s worried about Des’s brother and he’s not sure if Catherine’s life is compatible with him. Thanks for wasting five minutes of our lives, The Bachelor.

The Rose Ceremony
Sean gives them a boring speech about his heart and then passes out the roses in this order: 

INTERRUPTION! Des asks to talk to him before he passes out the first rose. She apologizes for “last night.” He tells her that she doesn’t need to apologize because it wasn’t her fault. They return to the rose ceremony.

AshLee and Lindsay get roses.

He picks up the final rose, sets it back down and then walks back into the room with the photos of the ladies. Yes, I always like to look at facsimiles of people I’m thinking about rather than looking at the actual people when making decisions.

Catherine gets the final rose.

Congratulations, Desiree. You will be the next Bachelorette.

Sean says to Desiree, “I’ve been battling this all day long. I really think you have all the qualities I look for in a wife which is why I’m worried that I may wake up tomorrow and regret this decision.” She says, “I think you’re making a huge mistake. 100%, not even 99. 100%.” That’s math guys. Can’t argue with that. 

In the car she says, “I don’t even know what I’m going to do about my life.” Yeah, we knew that the second you walked on a reality dating show.

Tomorrow night they’re doing a Sean Tells All episode. I will not be watching.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The Bachelor Episode #7 - A Review

I missed the two episodes last week where these dumb dummies dumb-dumbed all over the place. I’m sure Tierra cried or said something mean.

They are in St. Croix this week. I hope they tour the sparkling water plant.

Tierra refuses to room with anyone so she pulls out a cot and sets up her own place in the house. Did you know that she’s named after Saint Tierra? Saint Tierra considered herself a martyr even though she died from starvation because she didn’t like the lady at the convent who served the food.

First Date — AshLee
The date card reads, “Let’s get carried away.” You know what this means. PIGGYBACK RIDES!
After the date card is read and AshLee walks away, Tierra says, “The cougar’s back in town.” Then she rants about how AshLee should have found someone and had kids because she’s 32-years-old.

AshLee and Sean are to spend a day on a boat. It can’t be much fun for Sean because AshLee is in tears for each one of her testimonials. 

Sean asks AshLee about the drama in the house. AshLee tells him that Tierra doesn’t want to be part of the group and that Sean sees someone different from whom they see. In his testimonial, he says he believes what AshLee says about Tierra.

They lay on the beach and make out.

At dinner, Sean asks her if there is anything they haven’t talked about that they should cover. She tells him she got married when she was 17. He says, “So you were a married high school junior?” He seems amused. She’s worried she ruined the night. Sean tells her he’s okay with it. Why not? There’s no rose here and he still wants to make out.

They stand on their chairs and shout, “Hello, St. Croix!” Then AshLee shouts, “I love Sean!” Yep, the first time I hear someone say she loves me, I want her to be standing on a chair shouting at the top of her lungs.

Meanwhile the girls at the house are talking trash about Tierra. Hmmm. Might they be building to something?

Second Date — Tierra
The date card reads, “Let’s explore our love on the streets of St. Croix.” Isn’t that a Vampire Weekend lyric? Also, it’s so literal for a date card. Probably just so we can hear…

…Tierra complain about how she wanted to go boating or do anything else. She also complains about the heat and bugs and her makeup melting off. 

Sean admits that he has a lot of questions about Tierra. This is his “figure it out” date and it’s not the fun kind where he tries to figure out if he’s going to sleep with her or not.

They go shopping on the Streets of St. Croix. He overpays for a bunch of crappy trinkets that she reads too much into. They run into a parade coming down the street and dance around with the clowns. Clowns? Let’s call them clowns.

They get snow-cones and sit and talk about the other girls. She tells him that she tries to get involved with the girls but that they don’t want to have anything to do with her. She neglects to mention the cot. He asks, “If you had it to do again would you do anything different?” She says, “No. These girls aren’t going to be around much longer.”

At dinner, Tierra tells him that she felt he was being a little distant. Yeah, because he’s figuring out that you’re crazy. She says, “I have so many feelings for this guy and I don’t know that he does.” He tells her that the drama with the girls has put them behind. They walk out to the beach and she tells him that she is falling in love with him. You know, like everyone does on their first date.

He says that he’s come to the conclusion that she’s probably not nice to the other women but that she’s sincere about her feelings for him.

Meanwhile, AshLee tells the girls she told Sean about Tierra.

Third Date — Catherine, Desiree, Lindsay
At 4:42 AM, Sean sneaks into the house with a camera and wakes up the girls and snaps a few shots. He drives them to the east end of the island which is the easternmost point in the U.S. to see the sunrise. After the sunrise, he tells them they are going to see the sunset on the other side of the island and explore the island in-between. I want him to announce they are going to play an island size game of Calvinball. Alas, he does not. They stop at a treehouse. Close enough. Desiree and Sean have some alone time to goof around on a swing. Of course, this makes the other girls jealous.  She also must be really good at calling shotgun.

By the way, this is the only date with a rose.

He and Lindsay sit on the beach and actually talk for once. He says things like, “I have confidence in us.” Not quite, “I’m falling in love with you,” but you can’t win ‘em all.

Catherine tells him that her dad will probably not be there for the hometown date. He struggles with depression and he attempted suicide in front of she and her sisters when she was 14. They make sad faces.

Desiree starts crying when he asks her about her family. Then I got bored and stopped paying attention.
He gives the rose to Lindsay.

Clouds move in so that they can’t see the sunset, thereby ruining the date and ensuring that he’ll never marry any of these women.

Meanwhile, AshLee and Leslie talk on the balcony about Tierra while she listens inside.

Fourth Date — Leslie
The date card reads, “I hope our love stands the test of time.” What? Like four months?

He says he wants to have a quiet day with Leslie so he can figure out if he wants to keep her around. Two “figure it out” dates in one show. They are really packing this show full of good stuff. They pick some avocados and then sit down for a picnic. He asks if there’s anything he needs to know before he meets her family. In her testimonial, she tells us she’s falling in love with him and she’s ready to say it but when the time comes, she tells him that they have good chemistry.

Then they make out and the date is over. Wow, that was the most boring date ever.

Other Stuff
Sean’s sister, Shay, shows up to give him some advice. He tells her that he doesn’t know which two girls are going home. He says there aren’t even one or two that stand out. Seriously, this show is packed with duds. We’ve been so busy rooting against Tierra that we haven’t even realized there isn’t a single girl we’re rooting for.

Sean tells his sister he’s unsure of Tierra because “he’s heard things about her from other women.” Shay tells him not to end up with the girl no one likes.

Back at the house, Tierra confronts AshLee. She accuses AshLee of sabotaging her relationship with Sean. AshLee says, “When Sean shows up, you’re a different person.” Tierra replies, “Men love me.” TOP NOTCH DEBATE SKILLS.

They run off to another room to shout at each other. AshLee calls her rude. Tierra says, “I know in my skin that I’m not rude.” Guys, she knows things with her skin. AshLee says Tierra’s parents were worried about Tierra coming on the show because she does not get along with girls. So even her parents know she’s crazy. Tierra says, “No. They said, ‘You have a sparkle. Don’t let those other girls take your sparkle away.” Look, if you’re talking to your 24-year-old daughter about her sparkle and you’re not talking about her scrapbooking, you have and are continuing to fail as a parent.

Meanwhile, Sean heads back to the house to get Tierra so she can talk to his sister. He walks in to find Tierra crying on her cot. She takes the opportunity to try to lay a guilt trip on Sean by saying, “This is so hard for me, and you know it.” He walks out to clear his head. When he comes back in, he tells her to go home. America cheers. Don’t get too excited, America. There are a lot of boring ladies left on this show.

He walks her out. When he asks, “Are you going to be okay?” She says, “No. No I’m not.” Sean says, “I think the world of you, I really do.” Tierra replies, “Obviously not enough.” Way to confirm for him that he made the right decision.

In the car she says, “I can’t believe they did this to me.” They who? The demons in your head? She says, “I told myself going into here nobody will take my sparkle away and I’m not letting that happen.” How exactly? Your lack of sparkle has just been documented for all to see. I’m revoking your Sparkle Card because the first rule of Sparkle Club is that you don’t talk about Sparkle Club.

Sean returns to his sister and tells her what he’s done.

The Rose Ceremony
The girls don’t know what’s happened with Tierra. She’s been gone for hours and they’re all speculating on what’s going on.

He shows up and tells them that Tierra went home. He says, “Tierra was obviously a source of drama and I’m not looking for that in my wife,” as he looks AshLee in the eyes. C’mon, Producers. Can’t we get a DUN, DUN, DUUUUUUUUN right here?

He tells them there will not be a cocktail party. The AshLee freaks out. She’s sure she made a mistake and she’s already regretting it.

Lindsay has a rose.

The roses are handed out in this order: Desiree, Catherine, AshLee.

AshLee claims that this rose vindicates her. There is no hint of remorse or concern about what happened before.

Leslie goes home. “Rejection doesn’t feel good.” Read that in the most boring voice you can think of and you’ve got the exact level of emotion she showed.

Catherine is really upset. She says, “If he doesn’t want Leslie then I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t want to say this but she has more in common with him than I do. my beliefs are shattered about what he wants.” Yes, relationships are only about how much you have in common with someone. That’s why we have computers that make exact soul-mate matches every day.

Next week. Hometown dates where fathers and brothers try to intimidate Sean.

Monday, February 11, 2013

On Taylor Swift

Every time Taylor Swift does a live televised performance, the Internet has the same conversation. It goes something like this:

“Wow! Taylor Swift can’t sing!”
“Holy crap, Taylor Swift can’t sing!”
“What was that? Man, Taylor Swift sounded awful.”
“I didn’t know Taylor Swift couldn’t sing.”

Yes, you did know Taylor Swift couldn’t sing. You said the exact same thing last time Taylor Swift sang — and every other time Taylor Swift sings. She was awful at last year’s whatever awards show, she was awful on Saturday Night Live (both singing and acting) and she’ll be awful again next time she performs. Why? Because she doesn’t care. She’ll never take a singing lesson because she doesn’t have to. She does just fine turning out crappy, poorly sung pop songs.

My wife decided to defend Taylor Swift by saying she’s a good songwriter. Incorrect. Her music is amazingly simple and her lyrics are basically her reading from her diary (or from a 14-year-old’s diary, if I’m being generous). It’s awful, whiny pop music that appeals to teenage girls. If there’s one thing we learned from New Kids On the Block it’s that appealing to teenage girls is the quickest way to make a ton of money in the music industry. That’s the one thing she’s done right.

Let’s stop treating Taylor Swift like she’s some kind of delicate flower who cannot be criticized. Everyone jumps to her defense and says, “But she’s young.” She’s 23. You know, the same age Monica Lewinsky was when she was giving the President blowjobs. Once someone is too old to be an Olympic gymnast, we need to stop treating her like a child. Guess what, Frank Ocean is two years older than her and no one bothered to hold back on his performance for fear of upsetting him, but I’m not here to write about race. Simon Cowell would have sent her home after three notes.

Why would anyone famous ever date Taylor Swift? Once you break up (and you will because you’ll eventually realize you’re dating Taylor Swift) you’re screwed. She gets to set the narrative. She’ll write about six crappy breakup songs about you and her legions of teenage fans will make sure the world knows you are the devil. If there’s a second thing I know about teenage girls it’s that they can’t be reasoned with and they’ll believe whatever their pop icons say and defend it to ridiculous lengths. I’m so glad we grow out of that when we become adults… oh, wait. I forgot about religion. 

If you think this criticism is harsh or unnecessary or unfair, remember that no one is forcing Taylor Swift to sing her poorly written songs badly. She’s become very wealthy from this. She’s a celebrity. If she wants to avoid this kind of shit, she’s free to quit. 

Please quit, Taylor Swift.