Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The Bachelor Episode #7 - A Review

I missed the two episodes last week where these dumb dummies dumb-dumbed all over the place. I’m sure Tierra cried or said something mean.

They are in St. Croix this week. I hope they tour the sparkling water plant.

Tierra refuses to room with anyone so she pulls out a cot and sets up her own place in the house. Did you know that she’s named after Saint Tierra? Saint Tierra considered herself a martyr even though she died from starvation because she didn’t like the lady at the convent who served the food.

First Date — AshLee
The date card reads, “Let’s get carried away.” You know what this means. PIGGYBACK RIDES!
After the date card is read and AshLee walks away, Tierra says, “The cougar’s back in town.” Then she rants about how AshLee should have found someone and had kids because she’s 32-years-old.

AshLee and Sean are to spend a day on a boat. It can’t be much fun for Sean because AshLee is in tears for each one of her testimonials. 

Sean asks AshLee about the drama in the house. AshLee tells him that Tierra doesn’t want to be part of the group and that Sean sees someone different from whom they see. In his testimonial, he says he believes what AshLee says about Tierra.

They lay on the beach and make out.

At dinner, Sean asks her if there is anything they haven’t talked about that they should cover. She tells him she got married when she was 17. He says, “So you were a married high school junior?” He seems amused. She’s worried she ruined the night. Sean tells her he’s okay with it. Why not? There’s no rose here and he still wants to make out.

They stand on their chairs and shout, “Hello, St. Croix!” Then AshLee shouts, “I love Sean!” Yep, the first time I hear someone say she loves me, I want her to be standing on a chair shouting at the top of her lungs.

Meanwhile the girls at the house are talking trash about Tierra. Hmmm. Might they be building to something?

Second Date — Tierra
The date card reads, “Let’s explore our love on the streets of St. Croix.” Isn’t that a Vampire Weekend lyric? Also, it’s so literal for a date card. Probably just so we can hear…

…Tierra complain about how she wanted to go boating or do anything else. She also complains about the heat and bugs and her makeup melting off. 

Sean admits that he has a lot of questions about Tierra. This is his “figure it out” date and it’s not the fun kind where he tries to figure out if he’s going to sleep with her or not.

They go shopping on the Streets of St. Croix. He overpays for a bunch of crappy trinkets that she reads too much into. They run into a parade coming down the street and dance around with the clowns. Clowns? Let’s call them clowns.

They get snow-cones and sit and talk about the other girls. She tells him that she tries to get involved with the girls but that they don’t want to have anything to do with her. She neglects to mention the cot. He asks, “If you had it to do again would you do anything different?” She says, “No. These girls aren’t going to be around much longer.”

At dinner, Tierra tells him that she felt he was being a little distant. Yeah, because he’s figuring out that you’re crazy. She says, “I have so many feelings for this guy and I don’t know that he does.” He tells her that the drama with the girls has put them behind. They walk out to the beach and she tells him that she is falling in love with him. You know, like everyone does on their first date.

He says that he’s come to the conclusion that she’s probably not nice to the other women but that she’s sincere about her feelings for him.

Meanwhile, AshLee tells the girls she told Sean about Tierra.

Third Date — Catherine, Desiree, Lindsay
At 4:42 AM, Sean sneaks into the house with a camera and wakes up the girls and snaps a few shots. He drives them to the east end of the island which is the easternmost point in the U.S. to see the sunrise. After the sunrise, he tells them they are going to see the sunset on the other side of the island and explore the island in-between. I want him to announce they are going to play an island size game of Calvinball. Alas, he does not. They stop at a treehouse. Close enough. Desiree and Sean have some alone time to goof around on a swing. Of course, this makes the other girls jealous.  She also must be really good at calling shotgun.

By the way, this is the only date with a rose.

He and Lindsay sit on the beach and actually talk for once. He says things like, “I have confidence in us.” Not quite, “I’m falling in love with you,” but you can’t win ‘em all.

Catherine tells him that her dad will probably not be there for the hometown date. He struggles with depression and he attempted suicide in front of she and her sisters when she was 14. They make sad faces.

Desiree starts crying when he asks her about her family. Then I got bored and stopped paying attention.
He gives the rose to Lindsay.

Clouds move in so that they can’t see the sunset, thereby ruining the date and ensuring that he’ll never marry any of these women.

Meanwhile, AshLee and Leslie talk on the balcony about Tierra while she listens inside.

Fourth Date — Leslie
The date card reads, “I hope our love stands the test of time.” What? Like four months?

He says he wants to have a quiet day with Leslie so he can figure out if he wants to keep her around. Two “figure it out” dates in one show. They are really packing this show full of good stuff. They pick some avocados and then sit down for a picnic. He asks if there’s anything he needs to know before he meets her family. In her testimonial, she tells us she’s falling in love with him and she’s ready to say it but when the time comes, she tells him that they have good chemistry.

Then they make out and the date is over. Wow, that was the most boring date ever.

Other Stuff
Sean’s sister, Shay, shows up to give him some advice. He tells her that he doesn’t know which two girls are going home. He says there aren’t even one or two that stand out. Seriously, this show is packed with duds. We’ve been so busy rooting against Tierra that we haven’t even realized there isn’t a single girl we’re rooting for.

Sean tells his sister he’s unsure of Tierra because “he’s heard things about her from other women.” Shay tells him not to end up with the girl no one likes.

Back at the house, Tierra confronts AshLee. She accuses AshLee of sabotaging her relationship with Sean. AshLee says, “When Sean shows up, you’re a different person.” Tierra replies, “Men love me.” TOP NOTCH DEBATE SKILLS.

They run off to another room to shout at each other. AshLee calls her rude. Tierra says, “I know in my skin that I’m not rude.” Guys, she knows things with her skin. AshLee says Tierra’s parents were worried about Tierra coming on the show because she does not get along with girls. So even her parents know she’s crazy. Tierra says, “No. They said, ‘You have a sparkle. Don’t let those other girls take your sparkle away.” Look, if you’re talking to your 24-year-old daughter about her sparkle and you’re not talking about her scrapbooking, you have and are continuing to fail as a parent.

Meanwhile, Sean heads back to the house to get Tierra so she can talk to his sister. He walks in to find Tierra crying on her cot. She takes the opportunity to try to lay a guilt trip on Sean by saying, “This is so hard for me, and you know it.” He walks out to clear his head. When he comes back in, he tells her to go home. America cheers. Don’t get too excited, America. There are a lot of boring ladies left on this show.

He walks her out. When he asks, “Are you going to be okay?” She says, “No. No I’m not.” Sean says, “I think the world of you, I really do.” Tierra replies, “Obviously not enough.” Way to confirm for him that he made the right decision.

In the car she says, “I can’t believe they did this to me.” They who? The demons in your head? She says, “I told myself going into here nobody will take my sparkle away and I’m not letting that happen.” How exactly? Your lack of sparkle has just been documented for all to see. I’m revoking your Sparkle Card because the first rule of Sparkle Club is that you don’t talk about Sparkle Club.

Sean returns to his sister and tells her what he’s done.

The Rose Ceremony
The girls don’t know what’s happened with Tierra. She’s been gone for hours and they’re all speculating on what’s going on.

He shows up and tells them that Tierra went home. He says, “Tierra was obviously a source of drama and I’m not looking for that in my wife,” as he looks AshLee in the eyes. C’mon, Producers. Can’t we get a DUN, DUN, DUUUUUUUUN right here?

He tells them there will not be a cocktail party. The AshLee freaks out. She’s sure she made a mistake and she’s already regretting it.

Lindsay has a rose.

The roses are handed out in this order: Desiree, Catherine, AshLee.

AshLee claims that this rose vindicates her. There is no hint of remorse or concern about what happened before.

Leslie goes home. “Rejection doesn’t feel good.” Read that in the most boring voice you can think of and you’ve got the exact level of emotion she showed.

Catherine is really upset. She says, “If he doesn’t want Leslie then I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t want to say this but she has more in common with him than I do. my beliefs are shattered about what he wants.” Yes, relationships are only about how much you have in common with someone. That’s why we have computers that make exact soul-mate matches every day.

Next week. Hometown dates where fathers and brothers try to intimidate Sean.

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