It’s hometown week. Sean gets to match up four uninteresting families with four uninteresting girls.
AshLee — Houston, TX
Of course AshLee has a tiny little dog that she takes everywhere. While ruminating about her relationship with Sean, she says, “What if Sean doesn’t choose me in the end?” Then we’ll see you on Bachelor Pad.
They have a picnic in a meadow. Look, I was just in Houston. There were no meadows. There were a ton of creepy blackbirds all over the place, but no meadows. Call it a suburb and be done with it. She reveals that her father is a pastor. He says that his father is a reverend. They both seem to understand the distinction and think it’s interesting. When Dee and I were dating we had a similar exchange: I said, “My mom has a suitcase.” She said, “My mom has a purse.” That’s when we knew it was forever.
After their picnic in the park, she says, “I am ultimately ready to marry Sean.” I’m ultimately ready for you to be off this show.
At AshLee’s parent’s house, they have dinner in the back yard. AshLee tells her parents about the polar bear plunge and nearly starts crying. She paints it as some kind of metaphor for her ability to let go with Sean. Only Donald Trump takes himself more seriously than AshLee. For some reason she thinks it’s appropriate to talk about the “romance on the beach” on one of their dates. The parents are less than pleased.
AshLee’s mom asks Sean, “What are your intentions for AshLee? Are you going to break her heart?” He basically says no because what else is he going to say?
Before he meets with AshLee’s dad, Sean says, “I hope he doesn’t ask me if I’m in love with his daughter.” The first thing AshLee’s dad asks is, “Are you in love with my daughter?” What did Sean expect him to ask? Do you like AshLee’s shoes? Sean asks about AshLee’s marriage at 17 and says “You had to sign off on that.” Dad says, “It was a sad day in my life. If I had it to do over again, I probably would have done it different.” Differently. You would have done it differently, AshLee’s Dad.
Sean asks for permission to propose to AshLee. The dad gives him permission.
Cut to AshLee completely downplaying her relationship with Sean just like she always does. She says, “Sean makes me feel like I can conquer anything. Today has been magical, just magical. Like there’s pixie dust everywhere.” Ugh. Pixie dust sucks. It’s so hard to get off your clothes.
Catherine — Seattle, WA
They meet at the fish market. Sean jumps in and catches some fish from the guys who chuck fish around. Why do they chuck fish exactly?
Also, who in the hell is this person Sean is on a date with? Suddenly Catherine is weird and crazy and super annoying. It’s like she forgot to take her Ritalin.
Sean meets Catherine’s mom, grandmother and two sisters. It’s an estrogen fest up in here.
Catherine tells her sisters how much she likes him. They ask her if she would say yes if he asked her to marry him. She kinda says she would, but it’s not a clear answer. Her sisters aren’t buying it and she doesn’t feel good about their talk.
Sean asks her sisters, “Do you think she’s honestly in a place where she can settle down?” Sister, “I can’t see her having kids right away. She goes in 100% with guys and makes it fun and then when it’s not fun anymore…” She trails off and then they both start giving the same kind of non-answers that Catherine gave them.
Catherine’s mom tells Sean, “This is an adventure and will it work? I don’t know.” When he asks for her blessing to propose she says, “You shouldn’t lead her on because we wouldn’t want that and she shouldn’t lead you on.” Not answering questions runs in the family.
Lindsay — Fort Leonard Wood, MO
Lindsay’s dad is a two-star general. This frightens Sean. Is it because he’s trained to kill?
They walk around the town and visit antique shops. Sean asks Lindsay what he should call her dad. She doesn’t know. Really, Lindsay? What have you been paying attention to your whole life? Sean then asks, “Do you think he’ll ask me hard questions?” Are you afraid of hard questions? Maybe you should be asking about his skills as an assassin.
She puts Sean in an Army t-shirt and green cargo pants and then pretends to be his drill sergeant. It’s clearly a bit the producers wanted them to do because neither of them are into it. Neither are any of the viewers.
Sean says to Lindsay’s mom, “I’m just crazy about your daughter and I think she’s so special.” Which is only about the third time we’ve heard him say that this episode. She asks him if she loves Lindsay. He says, “When I say ‘I love you’ it means that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” She loves that answer because she has no bullshit detector.
General Dad tells Sean his biggest concern is that that this thing ends with Lindsay getting hurt. Sean asks for his blessing to propose. “So are you asking me for my blessing now? Well, that’s kinda tough. I don’t think I’ve ever been asked a tougher question in my life.” Then he goes on about being a paratrooper for a while. Eventually, he gives his blessing. Then he says, “If Lindsay says yes, you have my blessing. If she doesn’t say yes then you don’t have my blessing anymore.” Yeah, it’s kinda a moot point if she says no, General Genius.
Before he goes, Lindsay’s dad gives him a set of dog tags. One has a bunch of words on it like the words they put on posters of cats hanging from branches.
Desiree — Los Angeles, CA
They go for a hike.
Sean and Desiree prepare dinner at her place. A guy comes to the door and he wants to talk to Des. He suddenly blurts out, “Des, I love you.” The guy calls Sean an actor. This is so poorly done that it’s clearly fake. The producers try to build it up but they can’t sell this piece of crap. She eventually reveals that it’s a prank. We’ve all stopped rooting for Desiree.
He meets Desiree’s mom, dad and brother. Whoa. Are they British? They all have awful teeth.
Desiree’s mom says to her, “He’s a sweet guy. Good looking, too.”
We don’t actually see Sean and Desiree’s dad talk but we see them hug after. I guess we’re supposed to assume things went well?
Desiree tells her brother, Nate, that she thinks her relationship with Sean is the strongest among all the girls. She tells him that Sean makes her happy. Nate replies, “Psshhht. A lot of guys will make you happy but that’s not what it’s about.” No? What is it about, Nate? I just celebrated my 5th wedding anniversary and making each other happy is pretty fucking important. I guess I’m missing the point, bro.
Nate, “I don’t think this is going to work. I think this is stupid almost.” You’re right, Nate, but you don’t have to be a dick about it.
Nate asks Sean to talk by saying, “Hey Sean, mind if I holla at choo real fast.” Sure, bro. Let’s holla. Nate says that he doesn’t think that Sean is into her. Sean tells him that he is “crazy about your sister.” Nate’s not buying it. He says, “I just think you’re a playboy having fun with what comes along.” Sean tells him that he’s got the wrong impression. He’s clearly on the edge of blowing up.
When they return from their talk, Desiree says, “I know you’re skeptical…” He says, “To say the least.” Then it gets even more awkward.
Sean and Desiree step outside. They quickly kiss and Sean bails the fuck out. He’s clearly weirded out by the whole thing.
Back in the house Desiree and her parents all pile on Nate for being a dick. He says, “He is not the one, Des. HE IS NOT THE ONE.”
Chat with Chris Harrison
Sean tells Chris he still has questions about Des and Catherine. He says he has no idea who he’s going to send home. It’s between Catherine and Des. He’s worried about Des’s brother and he’s not sure if Catherine’s life is compatible with him. Thanks for wasting five minutes of our lives, The Bachelor.
The Rose Ceremony
Sean gives them a boring speech about his heart and then passes out the roses in this order:
INTERRUPTION! Des asks to talk to him before he passes out the first rose. She apologizes for “last night.” He tells her that she doesn’t need to apologize because it wasn’t her fault. They return to the rose ceremony.
AshLee and Lindsay get roses.
He picks up the final rose, sets it back down and then walks back into the room with the photos of the ladies. Yes, I always like to look at facsimiles of people I’m thinking about rather than looking at the actual people when making decisions.
Catherine gets the final rose.
Congratulations, Desiree. You will be the next Bachelorette.
Sean says to Desiree, “I’ve been battling this all day long. I really think you have all the qualities I look for in a wife which is why I’m worried that I may wake up tomorrow and regret this decision.” She says, “I think you’re making a huge mistake. 100%, not even 99. 100%.” That’s math guys. Can’t argue with that.
In the car she says, “I don’t even know what I’m going to do about my life.” Yeah, we knew that the second you walked on a reality dating show.
Tomorrow night they’re doing a Sean Tells All episode. I will not be watching.