Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The Bachelor Episode #9 - A Review

Sean and the three remaining ladies are in Thailand. Based on the lead-in, there’s going to be a lot of making out in bathing suits.

Because ABC has no other programming, they have to fill two hours. This means we’re shown recaps of every single date that Sean has had with each of these girls. It’s the only show that is more than happy to waste your time by replaying itself and passing it off as new. Therefore, I’m going to put about as much effort into this review as the producers put into this episode.

First Date — Lindsay
Is Lindsay going to say, “I love you,” to Sean? Guys, that’s really important.

They eat bugs. Insert relationship metaphor here.

Oh man, she totally almost said, “I love you.” So close.

MONKEYS! MAKE OUTS! The monkeys are all like, “Get a room. Also, MOAR GRAPES!”

Dinner. Weird boats. Weird dancing. Lindsay says, “I love you.” No, wait. She doesn’t. Man, I thought we had it there.

BORINGNESS!

Will she accept the Fantasy Suite? She doesn’t hesitate. The monkeys are happy they finally got a room.

Oh, this is it. She’s totally going to say it. There it is! She finally said, “I love you.” It’s even more anti-climactic than I portrayed it.

Second Date — AshLee
Ugh. You know how these dates go. She takes everything too seriously and cries a lot.

Because Sean likes to torture her, they have to swim through a cave. Does AshLee think it’s a metaphor for their relationship? Of course she does. This time it actually is. The cave represents how in the dark she is about their relationship. The dark nothingness also represents her sense of humor.

She’s the worst. Can we have Tierra back?

She’s weird about the Fantasy Suite but says yes anyway. In the Fantasy Suite she tells him what kind of engagement ring she wants.

See? Totally the worst.

Third Date — Catherine
Boring, boring, boring, boring, boring.

MAKE OUT IN THE RAIN!

She can’t answer questions about the future because she can’t believe she’s still here. Neither can I.

Boring, boring, boring, boring, boring.

She accepts the Fantasy Suite. By the way, I totally believe him when he says he just wants to talk. Plus, my wife says that her super-reliable celebrity magazines say that he didn’t sex any of them. Good for him?

The Rose Ceremony
Let’s chat with Chris Harrison so we can justify his salary. Chris tells him the girls each made videos for him. Guess what? AshLee cries through her whole video.

Sean knows who he’s sending home, he says, “I just know I’m not supposed to be with her. I’m worried that she won’t be okay after today.”

Lindsay and Catherine get the roses.

AshLee storms past Sean as he mumbles, “Can I walk you out?” Half way to the car she says, “Just stay here.” He asks to explain himself and she stops. He starts to explain himself and then wilts under her angry glare.

In the car AshLee says, “This wasn’t a silly game to me. This wasn’t about a joyride and about laughter and joking and having fun.” Yes, that’s exactly why he sent you home. You are NOT FUN. We’ll see you in the role of Always Crying Girl on The Bachelor Pad.

Next week is the Women Tell All episode. Get ready for a Tierra pile-on that will almost make her a sympathetic character.

THE END.
****

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