Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Bachelor Finalé - A Review

They spend the first five minutes of the show touting that this is a “three-hour special event” like it’s a good thing.

You don’t really care about all the in-between shit. You just want to know what happened, right? Well, I stood in front of the fridge and ate cheese for three hours.

Chris Harrison is with a live studio audience and calls this the “Nationwide Bachelor Viewing Party.” Is Nationwide a sponsor now or… No. He’s just saying the dumbest things possible.

Sean is joined in Thailand by his family. His mom (Sherry), dad (Jay), sister (Shay — which I just realized is a combination of Sherry and Jay. I now fully hate Sean’s parents.) and her two kids. The little boy says, “Emily didn’t choose you.” I like this kid.

Sean’s mom is worried. Probably because she’s one of those awful people from Texas.

Suddenly there’s another dude at the dinner table. Did Catherine bring a date? Major faux pas.
Catherine reveals that she played football with the boys in sixth grade. She also played doctor, ifyouknowwhatimean.

Sherry asks Catherine, “How long did it take you to think ‘I could fall for this guy?” Catherine basically says, “When he passed me a note in Social Studies class.”

Jay asks Catherine, “How do you know for sure that you really are in love before you get married?” The correct answer is, “How do we know this is all real? Are we in the matrix?” Instead she gives some lame answer about “best friends” and “giving herself.”

I always forget Lindsay’s name until someone on the show says it. I’m pretty sure she does too. Seriously, she’s too dumb to win, right?

Again, Jay asks the same question, “How do you know that you’re truly in love for life before you get married?” Jay, how do you know that I can’t fly? Lindsay says, “I just know. I want to hang out with him.” I hope someone in the ABC Labs is recalibrating the Dumb Response Machine 2000. That machine couldn’t have come up with a dumber response to that question.

Jay reveals that he and Sherry “began praying for his wife” when he was born. I guess it’s a good thing he didn’t turn out to be gay.

Sherry asks, “Have you gotten him to be serious with you?” Lindsay says, “Yes, we talked about stuff.” Or something like that.

Sean talks with his Family
Mom cries all over the place because she doesn’t think he should propose to either girl. What’s the big deal? Hasn’t she heard of divorce? Sheesh.

Last Date with Lindsay

Chris Harrison tells us that only live TV can capture this kind of emotion. Then he throws it to the tape.

Last Date with Catherine

Chris talks to the crowd and they say dumb things.

The Ring
Sean picks out a ring.

The Rose Ceremony
They’re setting us up to think there’s no way it isn’t what’s-her-name. Lindsay? Lindsay.

Some of the girls from the show are there: Leslie, Sarah, AshLee and Jackie. Chris asks them who Sean will pick. They might as well go ahead and plug Bachelor Pad while they’re at it.

Lindsay arrives first. He tells her how great she is. Then he says, “Lindsay, this is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. I want to give you my heart so bad, but my heart’s something something somewhere else.” He keeps talking and she just keeps nodding her head like, “Yeah, yeah. Just let me go.” But he just KEEPS TALKING. 

She says, “Okay, gosh. Well, I’m gonna go. ‘Cause this is just really, really painful and this is just my nightmare. I really didn’t see this coming. So, I’m happy for you. I’m happy that you found love but I honestly can’t imagine my life without you and that’s something I’m going to have to figure out.” PERFECT.

In the car she says, “I just want to grow old with someone and have a family. I don’t want to be alone.” YOU’RE 24. CHILL OUT.

Chris gives Sean a letter from Catherine. Wait, how is Chris in the studio and also in Thailand? Is he magic? Sean opens the letter. Commercial. SO MUCH DRAMA.

The letter is about how she’s looking forward to their future together. In other words, boring.
He proposes. Catherine says yes. Then she says, “Oh my gosh. Is this for real?” Golly gee, it sure is. Unless we’re in the matrix.

After The Rose
Is stupid.


Monday, March 11, 2013

No Ticket, No Boots, No Problem

Last Wednesday I lost my Metra monthly train ticket. The few days after that I was holding out hope that my ticket might be recovered and wouldn't have to pay another $178 for another one. In the meantime, I still needed to ride the train. This is the story of the morning after I lost my ticket.

Look guys, I'm taking some big chances today. First, I'm going to play the ticket stub game with my delightful morning train conductor because I lost my ticket on the train yesterday. Second, I'm not wearing my boots. So yeah, things might get a little messy today. This is the kind of excitement that can only happen after you've moved to the 'burbs and completely given up on life. I mean, if I still lived in the city and was single these things wouldn't even register on my fucking radar. I mean, I'd have all sorts of other interesting shit to deal with and write about and make me happy. However, that's not me. I made some fucking major decisions. I moved to the 'burbs. I had a kid. Not in that order. That order is sadder than the order I actually did it in. I think. Yeah, definitely. Moving to the 'burbs before having a kid is definitely sadder because it means you gave up before you even had a kid. When I was single, City Jeff I was making decisions about what kind of sketch show I was going to do next and how I was going to get an agent and if signing up for Match.com was worth it. Now that I live in the 'burbs I get to make the exciting decisions that really affect my life. Like deciding what kind of salt to put in the water softener. Or figuring out when to replace the filter on the furnace. Or when to buy a fucking snowblower because it's now a matter of when not if. Some decisions get made for you. But today I decided to take some fucking chances. No boots. That's huge. The bottoms of my pants could get messy and I'd have to take them to the dry cleaners. The ticket thing. Wow. This is really something. I mean, I'm going to try to talk my way into her letting me ride by basically showing her the receipt for the ticket that I've already paid for. I mean, I don't even know if this is a conversation she'll have. Plus, I'm on the quiet car. I'm definitely going to disturb the peace by having a conversation with the fucking conductor in the goddamn quiet car. I know. I'm living life on the edge here. Imagine the annoyed stares I could get from the people around me. I mean, the dude in front of me is TRYING TO READ and the girl behind me is LISTENING TO MUSIC. This could be a disaster. Uh oh. The plot thickens. The voice over the PA isn't the typical conductor. Plus, she usually makes an appearance by now. I may be dealing with a complete stranger who hasn't seen me on the train every day. Boy this will really be a high-wire act. I haven't even told you the stakes. If the conductor (whoever it might be) doesn't take my ticket, I'll have to pay $6.25 for a one-way ticket. Yikes. Thankfully, I've got exact change. You know how things can be when you ask a conductor to make change for a ten or even a twenty. TENSE. They look at you like, "Get your shit together, buddy. What are you? Some kind of rookie at this riding the train thing? Pshhhhht." INTIMIDATING. I can't tell you how badly I want the conductor to come through the car. The suspense is killing me. I just want this impending public humiliation to be over with so I can finally go back to being another working zombie on the train waiting for his life to end.

Okay, we're at the last stop before Union Station. After this, things should get heated. That's when the conductor usually makes her (if it is her today) rounds. Buckle up. It's about to get real rocky. Oh man, we're pulling out of the station. She's probably in the first car taking tickets right now. It's just a matter of minutes now. Maybe less if those people have their shit together. You know, not like me. Uh Oh. The stakes have been raised. The guy in front of me is no longer TRYING TO READ, he's now TRYING TO NAP. Whoa. I'm totally going to disturb his cone of tranquility with my unnecessary drama. Trust me, dude. No one feels worse than I do about what's going to happen to your attempt to nap.

BAM! I called it. Different conductor. Of course, I forgot that his need to check tickets would disturb this guy's nap session, so I'm off the hook for that. When I explained the situation, he looked at me all stern-like and said, "I'll give you a day to find it." Oh, you will? YOU will? It's your call, guy who I've never seen on my goddamn train before? If it was the regular lady, I might have accepted that answer. However, you come in here strutting around like you own the goddamn place. Listen, I've ridden this train more than you have, buddy. Don't come stomping around here like you own the fucking joint on your first day. You've got to earn it a little bit. Damn, I told you there was going to be some major drama. Shit, that was TENSE. Deep breath. Deep breath. Happy thoughts.

Who said living in the 'burbs couldn't be exciting?

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

The Bachelor "Women Tell All" - A Review

Tonight it’s the Women Tell All episode. If Tierra doesn’t show up this is going to be awfully boring. Even if she does show up it will probably be boring.

Chris asks the audience what they think of Sean with his shirt off. Cut to women in the audience high-fiving. That’s exactly what men think of women with their shirts off.

Then we’re treated to boring and pointless clips of Sean and Chris crashing Bachelor watching parties. 
The ladies in attendance: Ashley P., Dianna, Brooke, Daniella, Jackie, Kacie, Leslie H., Kristy, Taryn, Katie, Amanda, Selma, Robyn, Sarah, Desiree, Lesley M., AshLee

No Tierra. For now.

Chris baits them a bit with clips and questions about Tierra. Then he brings out Tierra “to tell her side of the story.”

Once Chris lets Tierra speak, you begin to realize something. Because Tierra was too busy being Mean Mean Drama Queen, you completely overlooked the fact that she’s a Great Big Dumb Dummy. Apparently she was too busy being prettier than everyone else to fully grasp the idea that words have meaning. Complete sentences are a real struggle.

After expressing no regrets she pulls the biggest passive-aggressive move of all time and says, “I apologize to you guys if you thought I wasn’t trying to be friendly.” Hey Tierra, I’d like to apologize to you for you being a bitch.

If she really wanted to hit the grand slam of passive-aggression she would have just said, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Eventually, she reveals that she was once Little Miss Nevada. Everyone in the room laughs and nods and is all, “I totally get it. We’ve seen Toddlers In Tiaras. You’re what happens when they grow up.”

Sarah in the Hot Seat
We see clips of her and are reminded how dumb she is. She says her relationships always end the same way. Maybe you should try saying something interesting.

As far as Bachelor breakups go, her’s is pretty unremarkable. Women get sent home early all the time. She’s only in the Hot Seat because she’s got one arm and that makes everyone feel sorry for her — which is exactly what she claims she doesn’t want. We’re all assholes.

Desiree in the Hot Seat
When the girl in the Hot Seat is trying to say all the right things so that she’ll be the next Bachelorette, I go eat brownies in the other room.

AshLee in the Hot Seat
AshLee claims she didn’t talk to Sean after the rose ceremony because she “didn’t know what to say to him.” I don’t know, maybe, “Goodbye.”

Then she puts on her AshLee colored glasses and says that he was a southern gentleman with her but a frat boy with the other girls. Wait, what did she think he was doing on all those other dates? If you’re not cool with your man dating other women don’t go on this show.

Her reality changes to fit the story she wants to tell. Which is exactly why you can’t trust anything she says.

Sean in the Hot Seat
Chris wastes no time digging into the AshLee breakup. She comes to the couch and asks for an explanation. Sean says, “I felt like I couldn’t find that laughter with you.” Because NO ONE can find laughter with her. She’s the worst.

She then calls him out for not checking on her at the hotel after he broke up with her. WHAT? Every time she opens her mouth we wonder a little less why she’s single.

She drops a last bomb, “Why did you say you had absolutely no feelings for the other two girls?” Sean, “I didn’t say that.” She insists that he did. Then she changes it a bit and insists that he said that instead. She continues to insist throughout the break — which they show us.

I assume we’ll never see the clip of Sean filing a restraining order against her after this show.
All we have time for after that is Sean saying nice things about the next Bachelorette, Desiree.

Next week’s show is three fucking hours. What are we doing with our lives?