Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Bachelor Finalé - A Review

They spend the first five minutes of the show touting that this is a “three-hour special event” like it’s a good thing.

You don’t really care about all the in-between shit. You just want to know what happened, right? Well, I stood in front of the fridge and ate cheese for three hours.

Chris Harrison is with a live studio audience and calls this the “Nationwide Bachelor Viewing Party.” Is Nationwide a sponsor now or… No. He’s just saying the dumbest things possible.

Sean is joined in Thailand by his family. His mom (Sherry), dad (Jay), sister (Shay — which I just realized is a combination of Sherry and Jay. I now fully hate Sean’s parents.) and her two kids. The little boy says, “Emily didn’t choose you.” I like this kid.

Sean’s mom is worried. Probably because she’s one of those awful people from Texas.

Catherine
Suddenly there’s another dude at the dinner table. Did Catherine bring a date? Major faux pas.
Catherine reveals that she played football with the boys in sixth grade. She also played doctor, ifyouknowwhatimean.

Sherry asks Catherine, “How long did it take you to think ‘I could fall for this guy?” Catherine basically says, “When he passed me a note in Social Studies class.”

Jay asks Catherine, “How do you know for sure that you really are in love before you get married?” The correct answer is, “How do we know this is all real? Are we in the matrix?” Instead she gives some lame answer about “best friends” and “giving herself.”

Lindsay
I always forget Lindsay’s name until someone on the show says it. I’m pretty sure she does too. Seriously, she’s too dumb to win, right?

Again, Jay asks the same question, “How do you know that you’re truly in love for life before you get married?” Jay, how do you know that I can’t fly? Lindsay says, “I just know. I want to hang out with him.” I hope someone in the ABC Labs is recalibrating the Dumb Response Machine 2000. That machine couldn’t have come up with a dumber response to that question.

Jay reveals that he and Sherry “began praying for his wife” when he was born. I guess it’s a good thing he didn’t turn out to be gay.

Sherry asks, “Have you gotten him to be serious with you?” Lindsay says, “Yes, we talked about stuff.” Or something like that.

Sean talks with his Family
Mom cries all over the place because she doesn’t think he should propose to either girl. What’s the big deal? Hasn’t she heard of divorce? Sheesh.

Last Date with Lindsay
DON’T CARE.

Chris Harrison tells us that only live TV can capture this kind of emotion. Then he throws it to the tape.

Last Date with Catherine
ALSO DON’T CARE.

Chris talks to the crowd and they say dumb things.

The Ring
Sean picks out a ring.

The Rose Ceremony
They’re setting us up to think there’s no way it isn’t what’s-her-name. Lindsay? Lindsay.

Some of the girls from the show are there: Leslie, Sarah, AshLee and Jackie. Chris asks them who Sean will pick. They might as well go ahead and plug Bachelor Pad while they’re at it.

Lindsay arrives first. He tells her how great she is. Then he says, “Lindsay, this is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. I want to give you my heart so bad, but my heart’s something something somewhere else.” He keeps talking and she just keeps nodding her head like, “Yeah, yeah. Just let me go.” But he just KEEPS TALKING. 

She says, “Okay, gosh. Well, I’m gonna go. ‘Cause this is just really, really painful and this is just my nightmare. I really didn’t see this coming. So, I’m happy for you. I’m happy that you found love but I honestly can’t imagine my life without you and that’s something I’m going to have to figure out.” PERFECT.

In the car she says, “I just want to grow old with someone and have a family. I don’t want to be alone.” YOU’RE 24. CHILL OUT.

Chris gives Sean a letter from Catherine. Wait, how is Chris in the studio and also in Thailand? Is he magic? Sean opens the letter. Commercial. SO MUCH DRAMA.

The letter is about how she’s looking forward to their future together. In other words, boring.
He proposes. Catherine says yes. Then she says, “Oh my gosh. Is this for real?” Golly gee, it sure is. Unless we’re in the matrix.

After The Rose
Is stupid.

THE END. FINALLY.
****

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