Tonight it’s the Women Tell All episode. If Tierra doesn’t show up this is going to be awfully boring. Even if she does show up it will probably be boring.
Chris asks the audience what they think of Sean with his shirt off. Cut to women in the audience high-fiving. That’s exactly what men think of women with their shirts off.
Then we’re treated to boring and pointless clips of Sean and Chris crashing Bachelor watching parties.
The ladies in attendance: Ashley P., Dianna, Brooke, Daniella, Jackie, Kacie, Leslie H., Kristy, Taryn, Katie, Amanda, Selma, Robyn, Sarah, Desiree, Lesley M., AshLee
No Tierra. For now.
Chris baits them a bit with clips and questions about Tierra. Then he brings out Tierra “to tell her side of the story.”
Once Chris lets Tierra speak, you begin to realize something. Because Tierra was too busy being Mean Mean Drama Queen, you completely overlooked the fact that she’s a Great Big Dumb Dummy. Apparently she was too busy being prettier than everyone else to fully grasp the idea that words have meaning. Complete sentences are a real struggle.
After expressing no regrets she pulls the biggest passive-aggressive move of all time and says, “I apologize to you guys if you thought I wasn’t trying to be friendly.” Hey Tierra, I’d like to apologize to you for you being a bitch.
If she really wanted to hit the grand slam of passive-aggression she would have just said, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Eventually, she reveals that she was once Little Miss Nevada. Everyone in the room laughs and nods and is all, “I totally get it. We’ve seen Toddlers In Tiaras. You’re what happens when they grow up.”
Sarah in the Hot Seat
We see clips of her and are reminded how dumb she is. She says her relationships always end the same way. Maybe you should try saying something interesting.
As far as Bachelor breakups go, her’s is pretty unremarkable. Women get sent home early all the time. She’s only in the Hot Seat because she’s got one arm and that makes everyone feel sorry for her — which is exactly what she claims she doesn’t want. We’re all assholes.
Desiree in the Hot Seat
When the girl in the Hot Seat is trying to say all the right things so that she’ll be the next Bachelorette, I go eat brownies in the other room.
AshLee in the Hot Seat
AshLee claims she didn’t talk to Sean after the rose ceremony because she “didn’t know what to say to him.” I don’t know, maybe, “Goodbye.”
Then she puts on her AshLee colored glasses and says that he was a southern gentleman with her but a frat boy with the other girls. Wait, what did she think he was doing on all those other dates? If you’re not cool with your man dating other women don’t go on this show.
Her reality changes to fit the story she wants to tell. Which is exactly why you can’t trust anything she says.
Sean in the Hot Seat
Chris wastes no time digging into the AshLee breakup. She comes to the couch and asks for an explanation. Sean says, “I felt like I couldn’t find that laughter with you.” Because NO ONE can find laughter with her. She’s the worst.
She then calls him out for not checking on her at the hotel after he broke up with her. WHAT? Every time she opens her mouth we wonder a little less why she’s single.
She drops a last bomb, “Why did you say you had absolutely no feelings for the other two girls?” Sean, “I didn’t say that.” She insists that he did. Then she changes it a bit and insists that he said that instead. She continues to insist throughout the break — which they show us.
I assume we’ll never see the clip of Sean filing a restraining order against her after this show.
All we have time for after that is Sean saying nice things about the next Bachelorette, Desiree.
Next week’s show is three fucking hours. What are we doing with our lives?