No Bachelor Pad this year? What the hell? Instead we have to put up with a bunch of douchey dudes without the proper balance of crazy girls. Pretty sure that counts as psychological abuse.
Wait, Desiree's last name is Hartsock? From the ancient peoples who put the hearts of their slain enemies in a sock and hung them above their doors? Wow. I didn't know we were dealing with a descendant of such proud warriors.
They open with a bold display of Desiree's dumb. She says, "Picture, like, the best dream you've ever had and times that by ten and then live in it. That's where I am." When I "times" that statement by dumb my calculator explodes.
If you think it's funny or cute when Desiree puts her hand up and says, "I'm ready to put a ring on it," prepare yourself for a long life alone with your cats.
Finally, we get to meet the guys.
Drew -- Gets a feature package. Alcoholic dad, mentally handicapped sister, divorced parents. Perfect for AshLee.
Brooks -- Forgets to tell her his name. Kinda looks like Chris Kluwe.
Brad -- Brings a wishbone so they can make a wish. It's some kind of callback to her intro last season. We're all less than impressed.
Bryden -- Iraq War vet. If he doesn't get a rose today, America will turn on Desiree forever.
Michael G. -- Wades into the fountain to get her penny back from last season. Admits he can't find it instead of pretending the ones he brought were hers.
Kasey -- A Social Media Ad Exec. Instead of being interesting, he reels off a bunch of hastags: #theperfectbachelorette #marriagematerial #letthejourneybegin. What's up with guys named Kasey? Can we agree we're going to call him "Hashtag?"
Will -- Gets the most awkward feature package ever. Gives her the nickname "Athena." Tells her she has to come up with one for him. How about, "The One Black Guy."
Mikey T. -- Comes out swinging by playing the family card right up front. Sincerity is boring.
Jonathan -- Creepy voice. Gives her a card. It reads, "Should you choose to forgo the remaining men you may elect to proceed with Jonathan directly to the Fantasy Suite. A room key is enclosed." She says, "I'm not that kind of girl. No way." This would have been clever if he wasn't actually serious.
Zak W. -- Stands naked on his balcony in the clip package. Shows up shirtless. Early leader for douchiest hair award. That Guy.
James -- Says something boring about loyalty. I don't know, I was checking the Spurs-Grizzlies score.
Larry -- Teaches her a dance move. Her heel catches on her dress when he tries to dip her. TRAGEDY.
Nick R. -- A magician. Burns a piece of paper and it turns into a rose. Only lame dads do magic.
Zack K. -- Awkward.
Diogo -- Wears a full suit of armor. Takes off his helmet and says, "You look beautiful like a princess." With his accent, he's basically a cartoon character. Even the shirtless guy is all, "Whoa."
Chris -- Gets down on a knee. She says, "Oh no." He says, "Will you mind if I tie my shoe?" As he walks away she says, "Funny."
Mike R. -- Dentist. Wears his lab coat. You know, because dentists like to try too hard to prove they're real doctors.
Robert -- Claims to have invented that thing where a guy stands on a corner and spins a sign around. Professional liar.
Juan Pablo -- Former pro soccer player. From Venezulea. Brings her chocolate. Moistens her panties.
Brandon -- Rides up on motorcycle. She asks if he can give her a ride. I bet she'd go to the Fantasy Suite with this guy.
Brian -- While taking notes, I typed, "wears beans." Way funnier than "wears jeans."
Micah -- Designed his own clown suit.
Nick M. -- Says, "I wanted to do something a little different," then reads her a poem like a thousand other guys have done before him.
Dan -- Absolutely nothing remarkable to report.
Ben -- Brings his son Brodie. Has locked down a rose for sure.
The Cocktail Party
Chris Harrison offers her 19 roses to hand out as she chooses at the cocktail party.
Immediately, Nick R. steps up and says that he's going to make Desiree disappear. He takes her out of the room. Clever move, magician. Too bad no one likes magicians. Cue the cavalcade of dudes cutting in on other dudes' time.
Ben gets the first rose. When the guys ask him how he did it, he says, "I just told her who I was." Shirtless guy says, "You must be someone good." Yes, someone who can dress himself.
Zak (the shirtless guy) drops his pants and jumps in the pool. While he's in the pool, Hashtag steals Desiree away. Because she can't resist his abs, she gives Zak a rose anyway.
Bryden tells her he's still in the military. Talks about an Iraqi kid he met in Iraq. She gives him a rose so America won't hate her on Memorial Day.
Juan Pablo takes Desiree outside and starts showing off his soccer skills. All the guys come outside and a soccer game breaks out. I THOUGHT WE WERE IN AMERICA.
Prediction: Drew will be the first gay Bachelor.
Larry apologizes for screwing up the dance. Then he keeps talking about it. Then he gets all intense and creepy. I can't tell if he's wasted or just Jeffrey Dahmer-level creepy.
Jonathan continues with the Fantasy Suite bit. He tries to take her up to a room he's prepared. She refuses. Then he immediately tells her that he's nothing like her last boyfriend, Sean. She cuts him off and tells him that his time is up. Then he says to the camera, "My love tank hasn't been depleted for many years so we're looking at a very large love tank." I think this guy needs to go to the Fantasy Suite and empty his own love tank. When he tries to take her again to the "Fantasy Suite," she asks him to leave. Ladies, he's still single.
The Rose Ceremony
The following guys receive roses:
Kasey #gotarose #callinghimhashtag
A bunch of other dudes already had roses but I didn't keep track. What I do know is that Larry, the magician and the armor guy all went home. I'm pretty sure armor guy didn't know what was going on at any point of the evening.
Also, I want to start a band called Larry, The Magician and The Armor Guy. We'll open for Florence and the Machine.