You might have noticed that there was no review last week. Two reasons: I was in New York and it was game seven of the Heat-Pacers series. Those things are way more interesting than this show -- especially since I'm doing this for free.
Chris Harrison makes his appearance to tell the guys there will be two group dates and one one-on-one. He says he doesn't need to but he explains anyway that one-on-one time with Desiree is critical. Why do we even have a Chris Harrison?
By the way, shouldn't Desiree's name have an accent over one of the e's? Was her family too poor to afford one?
First Date -- Chris, Brian, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Brandon, Zack K., Ben
The date card reads, "Love is a battlefield." This will turn out well.
Apparently the guys hate Ben. He must have done something like go on a date with her or get a rose or something. It feels way too early to have such a clear-cut villain. Did they fire their old writing staff? This season feels very poorly written.
The guys will be playing dodgeball. Yes, let's let these meatheads whip balls at each other and pretend it's not a metaphor.
During their "training session" with "professional" dodgeball players, Chris Harrison shows up to tell them they'll be playing against each other. Surprise. We've never seen this before on the show.
Red team: Mikey, Michael, Brooks, Chris, Brandon
Blue team: Ben, Drew, Zach, Brad, Brian
The game takes place at some mall in L.A. The Grove? They're dressed in short shorts and tanks. The winning team gets extra time with Des. Best of three.
The Blue Team wins the first game; the Red Team wins game two. Who could have predicted? At the beginning of game three, Brooks breaks his finger and is sent to the hospital. What's this? A spontaneous moment?
The Blue Team wins the final game. Des decides that both teams get to go to the after party. YOU ALL GET A TROPHY. GOOD JOB, GOOD EFFORT.
At the hospital they reset Brooks' finger and he passes out. They've even got him hooked up to tubes and shit. Did his finger suddenly get kidney failure?
At the after party Brad reveals he has a three year old son who lives with him full time. Then he tells some convoluted story about his drunk ex-wife and domestic abuse charges. It kinds seems right up Desiree's alley.
So many of these guys have gay voice.
Chris takes Desiree to the roof of the building. They talk about how they were both there today.
Brooks shows up with his broken finger, still in his dodgeball gear. He plays the sympathy card into a kiss. It doesn't mean much, Desiree is definitely not being stingy with the kisses this season.
Chris gets the rose. You know, because he existed in the same area as Desiree earlier that day. He and Desiree get some extra alone time while some singer no one knows serenades them. They slow dance and kiss. He looks like he's a terrible kisser.
The Girlfriend, The Crazy, Crazy Girlfriend
Look, Bachelorette Writers, if you don't want people to think this is all fake, you need to not have all the guys sitting around the announcement table when Chris Harrison shows up for a surprise visit.
Chris brings another woman into the house and she introduces herself to Desiree as "Brian's girlfriend." Cue the indignant outrage from the rest of the guys. How dare he date someone else while he chases a girl who is dating 20 guys at once? The nerve!
This girl, Stephanie, claims that she is still with Brian and that she tried to break up with him the day before he came to the show. Then she starts crying and freaking out. Wait, why is she so upset if she tried to break up with him? Shouldn't she be welcoming this development? Again, Bachelorette Writers. Check your logic. Also, hire better actors to play these parts.
Brian says, "She threw rocks at my face." Stephanie says, "Yes, I threw rocks at you because you're a jerk." Yes, let's blindly trust the word of a woman who admits to throwing rocks at someone's face because that's completely reasonable. Chris asks Des if there is any way he's staying. She says no. For some reason he doesn't immediately go pack his shit and sits there to take more abuse.
Brandon takes this whole thing really hard because his dad left and "father figures" in his life left him and, I don't know. It's just so fucking obvious this season that these are all hired actors.
Second Date -- Kasey
This guy has top-notch douchey hair. I mean, he's really setting the bar.
Desiree takes Kasey to Sunset Boulevard. She reveals to him that they will be dancing suspended in the air on the side of the building. They don't actually do any real dancing. They just flip around a little bit and then bail. Lame.
In the evening, they have dinner on the roof of the building they danced on. They sit down to talk and suddenly the winds whip up and everything starts blowing around. So they get into the pool. The pool is freezing. Cue the tuba music. They kiss in the water, awkwardly. They sit on the stairs to end the night. She gives him the rose even though everything has been awful.
Final Date -- Dan, James, Juan Pablo, Bryden, Zak W.
The date card reads, "Who will be the LONE man standing?" Do I smell a movie promotion tie-in?
A stagecoach waits in the driveway to take the guys to the date. They arrive at an Old West town to see Desiree dressed in her best Old West gear. She tells them they'll be going through a "cowboy boot camp."
They are taught to lasso, draw pistols and fake movie fight.
They have to ride a horse. Fake fight, quick draw and rescue Desiree. For something that should be cool, they make it surprisingly lame. Juan Pablo speaks Spanish the whole time and steals the show. He gets the extra time with Desiree.
They get a private screening of The Lone Ranger. They kiss. Or maybe they were just sucking the popcorn husks out of each other's teeth.
In the evening, the whole gang has a campfire by the barn.
Then everyone kisses Desiree.
James gets the rose after basically asking Desiree to send him home to be with his sick dad. Hang on for one more week, dad.
The Cocktail Party That Wasn't
Chris Harrison shows up again. The cocktail party has been cancelled. Instead there will be a "relaxed, chilled pool party." Chris, you don't get to determine the tone of the party. Not with these meatheads.
When Desiree pulls up Ben meets her outside and asks her to go for a drive. When they return, the other guys see them kiss. They guys are pissed and attribute his cleverness to "character flaws." Ben doesn't admit that he talked to her when they ask him. THIS MAN IS PURE EVIL.
Brandon gets all weepy on her and tells her about all the men that bailed on him. He tells her, "I'm never going to hurt you. I'm never going to take you for granted. To be honest, I am falling in love with you." Then he kisses her. When does he go get a creepy tattoo on his wrist?
The Rose Ceremony
Desiree is wearing the worst dress ever. It's like a regular dress puked blue plastic chunks out of the top.
Chris, Kasey and James all have roses. Bryden, Juan Pablo, Zak W., Brooks, Drew, Zack K., Brad, Michael G., Mikey, Ben all get roses.
Dan and Brandon go home.
Dan says, "I'm really bummed. She's been duped by Ben." Also, this is the first time I've heard you speak.
Brandon says, "I'm blown away. I'm fucking blown away." Des tells him she wanted end it now instead of later because she didn't feel the chemistry. Brandon says, "Once again, someone left me. Yeah, way to go, Brandon." WHO IS THIS GUY?
Look, this season is terrible. It's just really awful and it's blatantly obvious how scripted this is. I'm not sure I can keep doing this. In the past they were at least somewhat decent at hiding the ruse of the show. They're failing miserably this season.