Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Bachelorette Finalé, Part 1 (Desiree) - A Review

This is not the end. The end is next week. I will not be able to review next week's episode as I will be out of the country. You'll just have to make all the snarky jokes yourself. You can do it, I believe in you.

Desiree and her remaining guys are in Antigua this week.

We have to listen to Desiree talk about her wonderful guys for about ten minutes. You can tell that she only wants to talk about Brooks. The other two are distant seconds. Also sloppy seconds?

First Date -- Drew
They hop in a Jeep and explore the island. They happen upon a party. An old man weaves a heart with a rose on it and says that Drew can give it to Des but they have to kiss. As they kiss he says, "Kiss. Kiss. Intense." Is he some kind of basket-weaving-kiss-coach? If so, he needs to work on the kiss coach part.

Drew is one sweaty motherfucker. I get it. I feel his pain.

At night, they make out on a rainy beach and we're forced to watch. The rain ruins Desiree's plan for dinner on the beach. So they go to the Fantasy Suite early.

Drew says, "I don't care what the conditions are like but I'm going to make my feelings known and make the best of it." Your'e a real trooper, Drew. Way to tough it out and go straight to the Fantasy Suite. She gives him the Fantasy Suite card while they are in the Fantasy Suite. You know, because we're so big on written invites these days.

Brooks with Mom and Sister
Brooks goes to Idaho to talk to his family about Desiree. He admits that he's not in love and that proposing would make him uncomfortable. Frankly, I don't see a problem here. Why can't he just be all, "Hey, I'm glad you picked me, let's date for a while before I propose." You know, like an adult.

Second Date -- Chris
They're also just going to explore the island. They hop into Helicopter and go for a ride. Good to see you again, Helicopter. How have things been? Have you been seeing other people? Yeah? Good for you. You look happy. I'm truly happy for you.

Meanwhile, Chris and Des make out on the beach. A lot. It's gross.

At dinner Chris tells Des he wants to live in Seattle and he would like Des to move there with him. She says she'd be open to moving to Seattle because she knows she'll never have to because she's not going to pick Chris.

She gives him the key to the Fantasy Suite. He accepts; they go to the Fantasy Suite and he reads her another poem. This is the first time in Bachlelor/Bachelorette history poetry hasn't gotten you laughed off the show.

Final Date -- Brooks
Chris Harrison shows up at Brooks' place. Brooks says tells Chris he's not sure Des is the love of his life and he doesn't think he's ready to propose. They say a bunch of other stuff but it's pointless and non-sensical because Brooks never completes a thought or gives a straight answer. In the end, Chris says, "What I'm hearing from you is that you wish it was Des but it's not." Brooks says, "Yes."

As Brooks walks up to break up with Des, we hear Des tell us how excited she is for the date and how she is in love with him. She immediately notices that something is wrong. They walk to the end of the pier to talk.

Because it's Brooks, he fucking beats around the bush for about twenty minutes and talks in circles and doesn't complete his thoughts and just generally tortures Des. Eventually she asks, "How do you really feel?" 

He says, "I really want to be madly in love with you." 

When Des tells him that she loves him. He says, with a panicked look in his eyes, "Why didn't you tell me?" It's pretty clear that Brooks just didn't want to get dumped so he dumped her first. If he'd known she loved him, he would have stuck it out. 

If Bachelorette fans had brains, Brooks would now be the biggest villain ever on this show. Instead, he'll probably be the next Bachelor.

For some reason they walk off together. Des says, "Do you want to know why I was conflicted through this whole thing? Because I didn't want to share my heart. I wanted to give it to you." After that he lingers way too long and she starts to get a little pissy with him (understandably). Time to walk away, dude. You have to let her be pissed at you.

After Des walks away, Brooks breaks down. He says, "Way worse than I thought it was going to be." Yeah, because you're an idiot.

As the credits roll, Des says that she doesn't think it's fair to the other guys and that "she's done." But we know she's not completely done because there's another two hours that you all have to sit through next week. Have fun with that.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

The Bachelorette, The Men Tell All (Desiree) - A Review

It's the "very special" Men Get Bitchy episode. But first we're stuck watching Chris and Desiree crash Bachelorette watching parties. Why is it interesting to watch people watch this show? Also, these women are way too dressed up to not know that their party is being crashed.

Desiree sits down with three former Bachelorettes (Emily, Ali and Ashley) and talks to them about "bad boys." Because it makes sense that the most manipulative Bachelorette ever (Emily) would have plenty of insight into people being assholes.

All the guys are there except the dude who had the boyfriend. I'm not going to list them because if you really want to know who they are, well, you have the Internet.

The Highlights
Kasey talks too much because, you know, that's what he does.

All the guys do their best to say things they think women want to hear so they can, you know, get some after the show.

Ben in the hot seat:
I still haven't figured out why all the guys hate Ben so much. In fact, it's pretty clear that the guys don't even know why they hate him so much. Dan says that he encountered Ben's ex-wife and she told him some bad things about Ben. It's well known that exes never lie about their former partners. How do the Tell-Alls continue to be popular episodes on this show?

James in the hot seat:
Mikey backs up James on the whole conversation controversy. Then Kasey says, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." Does this guy ever shut up? Can we please have a new season of Bachelor Pad so we can see some muscled-out freak punch him in the face?

Juan-Pablo in the hot seat:
He gets the hot seat simply because he's foreign and hot. He spends the whole time talking about his daughter and how hard it is for him to date. They take an extra long commercial break after this so the ladies can go rub one out.

Zak in the hot seat:
They do their best to make sure that we know Zak is a good guy and that he's hurt. Chris pulls out the journal Zak gave Des and reads the poem Zak wrote in invisible ink. More good stuff we'll see at the beginning of the next Bachelor.

Desiree in the hot seat: 
She tells Ben that she thought from the beginning that he was insincere. It's good being the Bachelorette. You get to re-write the history of this show however you like and no one questions it.

She tells James that she was being manipulated by him. When he tries to defend himself by pointing out the absurdness of dating 25 guys at once, she gets all indignant. You know, because he's being completely unreasonable about his 1-in-25 chances.

Juan Pablo asks why he didn't get a one-on-one and she avoids the question by talking about how hot he is. The correct answer is, "Because I would have slept with you immediately."

Zak and Desiree have an awkward conversation and then he pulls out his guitar and sings her a song about moving on. What in the FUCK is going on? If they put an iTunes link on the screen, I'm done.

Chris introduces the bloopers by calling them, "Everyone's favorite part of the show." Yes, that's why we all slog through 10 badly acted episodes of this shit. To get to the bloopers. 

At the end Chris says to Desiree, "You were a great Bachelorette." Were. It's over for him. If only it was over for us, too.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Pulse The Nuts

Sometimes I like to have fun on the Internet. Here's an example of how it happens (and another reason why I love Twitter).

It started when I received an all-company email at work that contained the following text:

"In a food processor pulse only the nuts…"

Now, I could probably stop right there but I'll include the full text because, you know, I like to be fair.

"…and the sea salt until finely chopped but still chunky. Pour into a mixing bowl. Add the dried dates & other dried fruit to the processor and process until it makes a paste. Add the date mixture to the nuts and use your hands to kneed [sic] the nuts and dates together until well mixed. (It will be messy) Grease a baking sheet with coconut oil or grass fed butter. Make a big ball our [sic] of your bar mixture and push it down onto the greased baking sheet, about 1/2 inch thickness. Cut bars into desired shape. Serve and Enjoy! [sic]"

There's the whole text. I didn't need the whole text because I immediately latched onto "pulse only the nuts" and fired off an email to my co-worker. He responded with "#PulseTheNuts" and the game was on. We set off to Twitter to bring our new hashtag to the world.

I tweeted:

My co-worker tweeted:


I responded with:

He added:

It went on from there. I'd love to say that it became a trending worldwide but it did not. It didn't even become a trending toping in Chicago. Hell, it was barely a trending topic in the office. Who cares? It was fun and Pile_of_Derp and I sure did have a good time with it and will continue to have a good time with it. It's random, stupid things like this that make me giggle like an idiot and add a few minutes of fun to an otherwise boring workday. Just a little bit of fun collaboration with a friend to make each other laugh. 

Thanks, Internet.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The Bachelorette Episode #[Something+2] (Desiree) - A Review

This week Desiree visits the remaining guys' hometowns. We get to meet all the concerned families who ask all their "tough questions" under the guise of not wanting their son to get hurt. Guess what, Ma and Pa Douche? It's too late for your son. Unless she picks him, he's going to get hurt.

On to the dumbness.

Zak -- Dallas, TX
They meet at a park because that's how every single hometown date ever has started. Zak tells her he had a dream. I won't explain it to you because NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR DREAMS. Then he runs away and gets the family snow cone truck and they go to an elementary school and make kids snow cones. Then Zak puts on a penguin suit.

She just keeps saying over and over, "He's just so positive and has a great outlook on life." That is the new "…but he's got a great personality."

His family is not surprised by the tales of Zak's shirtless escapades. They're slightly horrified, but not surprised.

Zak's mom tells Desiree to "look for that spark." She doesn't know that she just sealed her son's fate.

Dee thinks that Zak's sister looks familiar. Yes, she looks just like every other girl from Texas. 

At some point in this show Zak wrote a song for Des. Zak plays guitar while is brother and sister sing. It's a song about Des. She gets a look on her face like she's touched but I think it's more like, "Oh shit. I have to dump this guy."

Zak gives her a ring that he bought in Atlantic City. He tells her he loves her. Too little, too late.

Dee is calling it. Zak is the next Bachelor.

Drew -- Scottsdale, AZ
I keep forgetting that Drew is short. Don't underestimate the aversion women have to short men.

Drew takes Des to pick up his mentally handicapped sister, Melissa. The meeting is completely unremarkable.

Drew's dad asks Des, "Do you believe in angels?" UGH. We live in a country where it's safe to assume that the answer to this question is almost always going to be "yes." What if she says no? How do you play your clever little ruse then, Dad? When she says yes -- because of course she says yes -- he asks, "Have you ever met one?" Des answers seriously, "No." Dad then says, "Melissa. Melissa is our little angel." I'll spare you the 5000 word rant I could go on about this conversation.

Dad tells Drew, "If you want to marry this girl, I'll throw a party." Yeah, lots of people have engagement parties. How do you feel about Des?

Drew tells Des he loves her. He just kinda blurts it out like an unexpected belch.

Chris -- McMinnville, OR
What's this? A park? They go play baseball. Chris is totally condescending about her abilities to throw and catch and hit. Yes, because American women are never good at sports with that one exception of that time they always dominate every Olympic event every four years.

At dinner Chris and Des tell a story about how she fell and tweaked her back on one of their dates. Dad, the chiropractor, takes her downstairs for an adjustment. Which only serves to creep out all of America. 

Dad asks Chris if Des takes care of herself like Chris does. Then he gives Chris a "nose adjustment" by jamming a balloon up Chris' nose and inflating it. This guy's name tag reads "Dr."

Mom is creepy as shit with Des. She's clearly trying to make Des uncomfortable. Instead, she's just making me think about her terrible haircut.

Chris' sisters finally reveal to him that they did not like his last girlfriend. They phrase it, "we did not like the last one." Like she was a iPhone that had been dropped too many times.

In the end, this weird ass family gives Chris their blessing. I'm just glad it's over.

Brooks -- Salt Lake, UT
He's from Salt Lake? Is he Mormon? Does she get to meet his other wives?

Prior to the date she says, "I love Brooks." The producers are clearly setting us up. Des is going to pick Brooks and he's going to reject her. 

They have a picnic in a park. A PARK! Can you believe it? They take a canoe out on a lake. Not THE lake, but A lake. Brooks almost tips the canoe. That's easily the most interesting thing that's happened on this date.

When they get to Brook's house, there are a ton of people and they are all wearing name tags. They give her a big group hug. I get the feeling they do the name tag and bear hug thing a lot.

Brooks' brothers grill him about Des. One asks, "Can she hang with you?" Way to dig deep, bro. Another brother asks, "Can you be with her for the rest of your life?" Brooks replies, "Good question." Bro responds, "That's a real one." HUH? What language are they speaking? 

Brooks never answers anyone's questions.

At the end one brother says, "Thanks for not being a huge waste of time." Don't get ahead of yourself, buddy.

Back in L.A.
Des "decides" that she needs to meet with her brother Nate. He was the guy who was a dick to Sean last season. She says that she doesn't want him to be around if he's going to be a dick again. 

She says, "I haven't seen you since last time when you screwed it up for me."
He says, "It was just supposed to work out that way." The part where you were a dick or the part where you screwed up?

After Des describes all the guys to him, he says, "I would like to meet them and get in their heads."

Eventually he says, "I'm glad you're in charge of this moment and I don't have any concerns," but he only says that because the producers need a clear conclusion to this segment.

Sit Down with Chris Harrison
Des sits down in an overly decorated room of some type to chat with Chris Harrison. She reiterates that she is in love with Brooks. Brooks hasn't yet told her he loves her. Des says that she can feel that he loves her. Des also implies that she loves Chris but she seems pretty set on Brooks. In fact, she basically says that she sees the show ending in a proposal from Brooks. No way this goes wrong.

The Rose Ceremony
Another bad dress from Des. It's like she bedazzled it with melted nickels. Before she passes out the roses, she says, "This is hard. Math is hard."

Brooks, Chris and Drew get the roses.

Zak goes home to prepare to become the next Bachelor.

Des tries to talk but he cuts her off and says, "I'm just completely shocked." She gives him the ring back. He takes it pretty well. Also, Des is terrible at breakups. She suddenly forgets how to complete sentences.

In the car Zak says, "I'm completely numb right now. Tomorrow I'll probably be heartbroken. Right now I'm trying to figure out what just happened. I don't want to go back to my old life because it's a lonely life." He tosses the ring out the window. He's giving a great limo performance. It will work perfectly during the intro to the next season of The Bachelor.

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

The Bachelorette Episode #[Something+1] (Desiree) - A Review

Desiree and her band of bros are in Madeira this week.

Guys, this is the most important week. You know, because hometown dates are next week. Which will also be the most important week. 

Also, it looks like Brooks is wearing jorts.

Desiree's confidence is shaken so she's invited three girls from last season to talk. Catherine, Jackie and Lesley. Does Desiree not have friends who aren't associated with the show? The girls don't really talk about anything. However, they do have a thinly veiled conversation about the guys' packages. Because that's the most important part of finding your true love.

The guys show up at the pool while the girls are talking. The girls break out the binoculars to check out the guys from across the pool. Not creepy at all. One girl says, "Drew likes to do basketball." Then Tarzan swoops in and whisks her away.

First Date -- Brooks
They hop in a tiny car and drive around the island. Eventually they reach the highest point of the island and they are above the clouds.

They almost talk about important things while sitting atop a rock above the clouds but they don't actually talk about anything.

They kiss. Des makes a lame Cloud 9 joke and then says this to the cameras, "Picture, like, the best dream you've ever had and times that by ten and then live in it. That's where I am," Desiree. That's not the dumbest thing I've ever heard but it's pretty close.

In the evening, Desiree picks out another terrible outfit of a tight, sequined skirt and billowy, silky blouse both in the color of boring.

Brooks looks like he's wearing his best used clothes from the thrift shop. Also, he has weird teeth. They're totally made for each other.

At dinner she tells him that she's close to being in love with him. He's not quite there. He tells her that he wants her to meet his family. Then they are assaulted by fireworks. They just keep saying, "Awesome."

Second Date -- Chris
The date card reads, "Let's sea if we can find love here." Are they even trying with the date cards anymore?

It's the get on a yacht and go to a private island date. 

They put on their bathing suits and lube each other up with sunscreen and then make out.

Chris brings a bottle. He wants them to write a poem together and put that poem in the bottle and then chuck it into the sea. Yes, please trash the English language and then trash the Atlantic Ocean.

At dinner Chris plans to tell her he loves her. Again, Des breaks out a tight sequined skirt and billowy blouse. This time she looks like a roll of LifeSavers.

Eventually, after being awkward for the whole dinner he reads her a poem that he wrote. 

Enough with the poetry; 
You're starting to annoy me.
I'm not quite sure if you're a phony,
But your definitely a one-trick pony.

HIs poem ends with him saying "I love you." She loves it. Just wait until she sees his rhyming grocery lists.

Third Date -- Michael
They do the standard walk the island date. The lamest of the dates.

The highlights are when they take a rickety wicker cart down the hill guided by two locals and Michael's ill-fitting shorts.

In the evening, they have dinner in an alley. They talk about his family. He talks about his last relationship. She cheated on him. Or she just took a photo with a dude on a ski trip. He tells her that he's having those kinds of feelings again. The good ones, not the bad ones. I think. He's not being very clear for a trial lawyer.

After dinner they encounter a singer and a couple of guitar players in the town square and make out during the least appropriate point in the song. Kinda sums up Michael's whole appearance on this show.

Final Date -- Zak, Drew
"I'm looking for a man who can make my heart race." There is a rose at stake. The loser does not go home.

Zak says he's "100% in love with this woman."

They go to a go-kart track. They do a lap with Desiree then she tells them to race each other. The winner gets "a little surprise." Zak blows Drew away. It wasn't even close.

They have a little picnic set up in the middle of the track. Drew is also planning on telling her how much he loves her. Zak gets time with Desiree first -- that's his prize. I'm not sure that's a prize. He tells her that this has been "kinda like the best time of his life." Way to go out on a limb, buddy. He brought his sketch book and shows her a series of drawings that depict "their journey." The first drawing is of his abs. The second of the town they are in now and the third is Munich. He decides not to tell her that he loves her because it's not fair to Drew or for Des to have to pretend that it wasn't said. Huh? Even though all the other guys are saying it?

Drew tells her that his family already loves her. He says he wants to introduce her to his sister who is mentally handicapped. C'mon, dude. Your sister is a person, not a bargaining chip you can use to seduce women. He tells her that he's fallen for her and then turns around and tells the cameras that he didn't tell her that he is in love with her. Hmm. This guy is totally playing the game he accuse James of playing.

Drew gets the rose because, you know, reasons.

The Rose Ceremony
Prior to the ceremony, Des sits down with Chris Harrison. I was wondering if we were going to get to see him this week.

They run through each of the guys and she says great things about each of them. You know, just like every conversation anyone ever has with Chris Harrison. She says that she's "hit the finish line" with Brooks. Chris Harrison asks if it's over. She mentions that she's falling in love with Chris, too. She's got plenty of love to go around. Might we get two proposals this year? More?

Brooks, Chris and Zak get the roses.

Michael goes home. Desiree walk him out. He says, "You have to do what's best for you." She asks him to sit and talk. Always a terrible idea. Especially when you have no idea what you are going to say. He cries in the car ride home and then calls his mom. Maybe you're still single because your first instinct is to call your mom when something bad happens to you.

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

The Bachelorette Episode #[Something] (Desiree) - A Review

Look, life happens. Sometimes I don't get a chance to write these reviews. I don't even get a chance to catch up on the episodes I missed (like I care). Anyway, I have no idea what's going on. I assume Desiree is still the Bachelorette. Wouldn't it be awesome if she wasn't? Maybe she at least got her teeth fixed.

No, she did not get her teeth fixed. They still look like they are afraid of light.

They're in Barcelona this week. Desiree says, "I love everything about this place. The buildings, the churches." Um, Desiree? Churches ARE buildings.

Guys, in case you didn't know, Barcelona is the perfect place to fall in love. Just like every other place they've ever gone on this show.

Everyone is targeting James for saying something about being the next Bachelor. Based on the previews, shit is going down this week. Brace yourself for screaming meatheads.

Chris Harrison shows up to deliver the first date card to Drew. It reads, "Let's build a foundation for love."

First Date -- Drew
He says, "If there's time to address the situation with James, we'll get to it." So he's definitely going to address it. 

Desiree says, "He's so romantic and passionate about romance." So he's falling in love with falling in love with you? 

He kisses her before the date starts but somehow manages to look gay doing it. I'm not saying he's gay. I am saying that he has a whole lot of stereotypically gay mannerisms.

They do the standard walking-the-city date.

Drew reveals that his dad is a recovering alcoholic. He also reveals that his dad has cancer. He also reveals that he is Emily Maynard's dead husband who has come back from the dead.

Desiree keeps saying that she "trusts" him. I'm giving him two episodes before he betrays her?

In the evening, they have dinner in a private courtyard. He snatches her up from the table mid-meal and they run off into an alley and make out. It's kinda gross.

He gets the rose. He then decides to drop the bomb about James. Smart play. He tells her that James wants to make it to the top four so he can be The Bachelor. She thanks him but she's pissed at James.

Second Date -- Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James, Juan Pablo
The card reads, "Loooooooove!" Each 'o' is a little soccer ball. This sets up nicely for Juan Pablo.

They pull up to a soccer stadium. She says she's going to give James the benefit of the doubt.

Desiree tells them they will be playing against her and her team. She walks out with six other girls. A professional team from Spain. Juan Pablo scores the first two goals then the girls rattle off ten goals in a row. James is the goalie but he's clearly scared of the ball. 

In the evening they have cocktails. Kasey is more excited about confronting James than he is about having time with Desiree.

Desiree wrote Chris something for their alone time. It rhymes. It would totally get a B+ in eighth grade English class. 

Kasey confronts James. He breaks down the conversation he heard. When Kasey says, "Did you say 'If I make the final four I'll be in a great situation to become the next Bachelor'?" James says, "No." Then he and Michael get into it. James says that Mikey brought it all up. He screams a lot. This may be one of the dumber arguments I've seen on this show.

Brooks uses his alone time with Desiree to avoid the confrontation with James. He's keeping his hands clean so he can be the shoulder to cry on.

Kasey wastes no time with Desiree bringing up the James thing. He wants to make sure she only knows him as a rat.

Desiree asks to speak with James and then tells the guys she will not be giving out the rose on this date.

When Des confronts James, he says, "It's not why I'm here and if you think that it is then maybe I should go." That's not manipulative at all. He then proceeds to talk her into letting him stay. 

Back at the House
The guys are recounting to Drew and Zak how everything went down and sounding so completely sure that James will be sent home. James walks in and says, "Gentlemen, goodnight." Perfect.

Last Date -- Zak
Des is sketching outside of a church when Zak walks up. He stops and poses. This guy is cheesy but he owns it. Plus, he's the only guy besides Brooks who has a sense of humor.

Desiree takes Zak to an art studio. They sketch a fully-clothed model. Zak is actually pretty good at drawing the model. They decide to draw each other. Zak's portrait of Des looks like something out of The Ring. Then a nude model walks in. They sketch. Then Zak leaves the room and comes back in a robe of his own. Steps up onto the podium and whips off his robe. He kept his underwear on. Lame.

In the evening they have dinner in a cave/wine cellar. They talk about his family. He says he's looking for someone with an adventurous spirit. I'm looking for something interesting. They make out. He gets the rose. 

Back at the House
James asks to talk to Drew. Drew is so immediately angry that I'm beginning to think he's pissed that James has stolen his idea. 

The guys are all sitting around together awkwardly listening to Zak talk about his date when Desiree shows up and asks to talk to James. She's certain that she's going to send him home this time. James says so many ridiculous things I broke my DVR by pausing it too much. He says, "Whatever your decision is, I respect you." This guy knows all the tricks. She doesn't send him home.

When he goes back to the apartment, the guys yell at him some more. It's some really high quality male-pattern brawling.

The guys are baffled he's still there. If she gives James a rose tonight, I want the rest of the guys to walk out.

The Rose Ceremony
Zak and Drew have roses. Three guys will go home. They receive roses in the following order: Chris, Brooks, Michael. 

Kasey, James and Juan Pablo go home. 

Juan Pablo seems genuinely upset. I have a feeling he's not going to have any problems with the ladies when he gets home.

James is pissed and he uses the "they were jealous" excuse.

Michael is super smug about James going home. Michael needs to go home.

So glad I tuned back in for this one.