Tuesday, July 02, 2013

The Bachelorette Episode #[Something] (Desiree) - A Review

Look, life happens. Sometimes I don't get a chance to write these reviews. I don't even get a chance to catch up on the episodes I missed (like I care). Anyway, I have no idea what's going on. I assume Desiree is still the Bachelorette. Wouldn't it be awesome if she wasn't? Maybe she at least got her teeth fixed.

No, she did not get her teeth fixed. They still look like they are afraid of light.

They're in Barcelona this week. Desiree says, "I love everything about this place. The buildings, the churches." Um, Desiree? Churches ARE buildings.

Guys, in case you didn't know, Barcelona is the perfect place to fall in love. Just like every other place they've ever gone on this show.

Everyone is targeting James for saying something about being the next Bachelor. Based on the previews, shit is going down this week. Brace yourself for screaming meatheads.

Chris Harrison shows up to deliver the first date card to Drew. It reads, "Let's build a foundation for love."

First Date -- Drew
He says, "If there's time to address the situation with James, we'll get to it." So he's definitely going to address it. 

Desiree says, "He's so romantic and passionate about romance." So he's falling in love with falling in love with you? 

He kisses her before the date starts but somehow manages to look gay doing it. I'm not saying he's gay. I am saying that he has a whole lot of stereotypically gay mannerisms.

They do the standard walking-the-city date.

Drew reveals that his dad is a recovering alcoholic. He also reveals that his dad has cancer. He also reveals that he is Emily Maynard's dead husband who has come back from the dead.

Desiree keeps saying that she "trusts" him. I'm giving him two episodes before he betrays her?

In the evening, they have dinner in a private courtyard. He snatches her up from the table mid-meal and they run off into an alley and make out. It's kinda gross.

He gets the rose. He then decides to drop the bomb about James. Smart play. He tells her that James wants to make it to the top four so he can be The Bachelor. She thanks him but she's pissed at James.

Second Date -- Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James, Juan Pablo
The card reads, "Loooooooove!" Each 'o' is a little soccer ball. This sets up nicely for Juan Pablo.

They pull up to a soccer stadium. She says she's going to give James the benefit of the doubt.

Desiree tells them they will be playing against her and her team. She walks out with six other girls. A professional team from Spain. Juan Pablo scores the first two goals then the girls rattle off ten goals in a row. James is the goalie but he's clearly scared of the ball. 

In the evening they have cocktails. Kasey is more excited about confronting James than he is about having time with Desiree.

Desiree wrote Chris something for their alone time. It rhymes. It would totally get a B+ in eighth grade English class. 

Kasey confronts James. He breaks down the conversation he heard. When Kasey says, "Did you say 'If I make the final four I'll be in a great situation to become the next Bachelor'?" James says, "No." Then he and Michael get into it. James says that Mikey brought it all up. He screams a lot. This may be one of the dumber arguments I've seen on this show.

Brooks uses his alone time with Desiree to avoid the confrontation with James. He's keeping his hands clean so he can be the shoulder to cry on.

Kasey wastes no time with Desiree bringing up the James thing. He wants to make sure she only knows him as a rat.

Desiree asks to speak with James and then tells the guys she will not be giving out the rose on this date.

When Des confronts James, he says, "It's not why I'm here and if you think that it is then maybe I should go." That's not manipulative at all. He then proceeds to talk her into letting him stay. 

Back at the House
The guys are recounting to Drew and Zak how everything went down and sounding so completely sure that James will be sent home. James walks in and says, "Gentlemen, goodnight." Perfect.

Last Date -- Zak
Des is sketching outside of a church when Zak walks up. He stops and poses. This guy is cheesy but he owns it. Plus, he's the only guy besides Brooks who has a sense of humor.

Desiree takes Zak to an art studio. They sketch a fully-clothed model. Zak is actually pretty good at drawing the model. They decide to draw each other. Zak's portrait of Des looks like something out of The Ring. Then a nude model walks in. They sketch. Then Zak leaves the room and comes back in a robe of his own. Steps up onto the podium and whips off his robe. He kept his underwear on. Lame.

In the evening they have dinner in a cave/wine cellar. They talk about his family. He says he's looking for someone with an adventurous spirit. I'm looking for something interesting. They make out. He gets the rose. 

Back at the House
James asks to talk to Drew. Drew is so immediately angry that I'm beginning to think he's pissed that James has stolen his idea. 

The guys are all sitting around together awkwardly listening to Zak talk about his date when Desiree shows up and asks to talk to James. She's certain that she's going to send him home this time. James says so many ridiculous things I broke my DVR by pausing it too much. He says, "Whatever your decision is, I respect you." This guy knows all the tricks. She doesn't send him home.

When he goes back to the apartment, the guys yell at him some more. It's some really high quality male-pattern brawling.

The guys are baffled he's still there. If she gives James a rose tonight, I want the rest of the guys to walk out.

The Rose Ceremony
Zak and Drew have roses. Three guys will go home. They receive roses in the following order: Chris, Brooks, Michael. 

Kasey, James and Juan Pablo go home. 

Juan Pablo seems genuinely upset. I have a feeling he's not going to have any problems with the ladies when he gets home.

James is pissed and he uses the "they were jealous" excuse.

Michael is super smug about James going home. Michael needs to go home.

So glad I tuned back in for this one.

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