Tuesday, July 09, 2013

The Bachelorette Episode #[Something+1] (Desiree) - A Review

Desiree and her band of bros are in Madeira this week.

Guys, this is the most important week. You know, because hometown dates are next week. Which will also be the most important week. 

Also, it looks like Brooks is wearing jorts.

Desiree's confidence is shaken so she's invited three girls from last season to talk. Catherine, Jackie and Lesley. Does Desiree not have friends who aren't associated with the show? The girls don't really talk about anything. However, they do have a thinly veiled conversation about the guys' packages. Because that's the most important part of finding your true love.

The guys show up at the pool while the girls are talking. The girls break out the binoculars to check out the guys from across the pool. Not creepy at all. One girl says, "Drew likes to do basketball." Then Tarzan swoops in and whisks her away.


First Date -- Brooks
They hop in a tiny car and drive around the island. Eventually they reach the highest point of the island and they are above the clouds.

They almost talk about important things while sitting atop a rock above the clouds but they don't actually talk about anything.

They kiss. Des makes a lame Cloud 9 joke and then says this to the cameras, "Picture, like, the best dream you've ever had and times that by ten and then live in it. That's where I am," Desiree. That's not the dumbest thing I've ever heard but it's pretty close.

In the evening, Desiree picks out another terrible outfit of a tight, sequined skirt and billowy, silky blouse both in the color of boring.

Brooks looks like he's wearing his best used clothes from the thrift shop. Also, he has weird teeth. They're totally made for each other.

At dinner she tells him that she's close to being in love with him. He's not quite there. He tells her that he wants her to meet his family. Then they are assaulted by fireworks. They just keep saying, "Awesome."


Second Date -- Chris
The date card reads, "Let's sea if we can find love here." Are they even trying with the date cards anymore?

It's the get on a yacht and go to a private island date. 

They put on their bathing suits and lube each other up with sunscreen and then make out.

Chris brings a bottle. He wants them to write a poem together and put that poem in the bottle and then chuck it into the sea. Yes, please trash the English language and then trash the Atlantic Ocean.

At dinner Chris plans to tell her he loves her. Again, Des breaks out a tight sequined skirt and billowy blouse. This time she looks like a roll of LifeSavers.

Eventually, after being awkward for the whole dinner he reads her a poem that he wrote. 

Enough with the poetry; 
You're starting to annoy me.
I'm not quite sure if you're a phony,
But your definitely a one-trick pony.

HIs poem ends with him saying "I love you." She loves it. Just wait until she sees his rhyming grocery lists.


Third Date -- Michael
They do the standard walk the island date. The lamest of the dates.

The highlights are when they take a rickety wicker cart down the hill guided by two locals and Michael's ill-fitting shorts.

In the evening, they have dinner in an alley. They talk about his family. He talks about his last relationship. She cheated on him. Or she just took a photo with a dude on a ski trip. He tells her that he's having those kinds of feelings again. The good ones, not the bad ones. I think. He's not being very clear for a trial lawyer.

After dinner they encounter a singer and a couple of guitar players in the town square and make out during the least appropriate point in the song. Kinda sums up Michael's whole appearance on this show.


Final Date -- Zak, Drew
"I'm looking for a man who can make my heart race." There is a rose at stake. The loser does not go home.

Zak says he's "100% in love with this woman."

They go to a go-kart track. They do a lap with Desiree then she tells them to race each other. The winner gets "a little surprise." Zak blows Drew away. It wasn't even close.

They have a little picnic set up in the middle of the track. Drew is also planning on telling her how much he loves her. Zak gets time with Desiree first -- that's his prize. I'm not sure that's a prize. He tells her that this has been "kinda like the best time of his life." Way to go out on a limb, buddy. He brought his sketch book and shows her a series of drawings that depict "their journey." The first drawing is of his abs. The second of the town they are in now and the third is Munich. He decides not to tell her that he loves her because it's not fair to Drew or for Des to have to pretend that it wasn't said. Huh? Even though all the other guys are saying it?

Drew tells her that his family already loves her. He says he wants to introduce her to his sister who is mentally handicapped. C'mon, dude. Your sister is a person, not a bargaining chip you can use to seduce women. He tells her that he's fallen for her and then turns around and tells the cameras that he didn't tell her that he is in love with her. Hmm. This guy is totally playing the game he accuse James of playing.

Drew gets the rose because, you know, reasons.


The Rose Ceremony
Prior to the ceremony, Des sits down with Chris Harrison. I was wondering if we were going to get to see him this week.

They run through each of the guys and she says great things about each of them. You know, just like every conversation anyone ever has with Chris Harrison. She says that she's "hit the finish line" with Brooks. Chris Harrison asks if it's over. She mentions that she's falling in love with Chris, too. She's got plenty of love to go around. Might we get two proposals this year? More?

Brooks, Chris and Zak get the roses.

Michael goes home. Desiree walk him out. He says, "You have to do what's best for you." She asks him to sit and talk. Always a terrible idea. Especially when you have no idea what you are going to say. He cries in the car ride home and then calls his mom. Maybe you're still single because your first instinct is to call your mom when something bad happens to you.

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