Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The Bachelorette Episode #[Something+2] (Desiree) - A Review

This week Desiree visits the remaining guys' hometowns. We get to meet all the concerned families who ask all their "tough questions" under the guise of not wanting their son to get hurt. Guess what, Ma and Pa Douche? It's too late for your son. Unless she picks him, he's going to get hurt.

On to the dumbness.


Zak -- Dallas, TX
They meet at a park because that's how every single hometown date ever has started. Zak tells her he had a dream. I won't explain it to you because NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR DREAMS. Then he runs away and gets the family snow cone truck and they go to an elementary school and make kids snow cones. Then Zak puts on a penguin suit.

She just keeps saying over and over, "He's just so positive and has a great outlook on life." That is the new "…but he's got a great personality."

His family is not surprised by the tales of Zak's shirtless escapades. They're slightly horrified, but not surprised.

Zak's mom tells Desiree to "look for that spark." She doesn't know that she just sealed her son's fate.

Dee thinks that Zak's sister looks familiar. Yes, she looks just like every other girl from Texas. 

At some point in this show Zak wrote a song for Des. Zak plays guitar while is brother and sister sing. It's a song about Des. She gets a look on her face like she's touched but I think it's more like, "Oh shit. I have to dump this guy."

Zak gives her a ring that he bought in Atlantic City. He tells her he loves her. Too little, too late.

Dee is calling it. Zak is the next Bachelor.


Drew -- Scottsdale, AZ
I keep forgetting that Drew is short. Don't underestimate the aversion women have to short men.

Drew takes Des to pick up his mentally handicapped sister, Melissa. The meeting is completely unremarkable.

Drew's dad asks Des, "Do you believe in angels?" UGH. We live in a country where it's safe to assume that the answer to this question is almost always going to be "yes." What if she says no? How do you play your clever little ruse then, Dad? When she says yes -- because of course she says yes -- he asks, "Have you ever met one?" Des answers seriously, "No." Dad then says, "Melissa. Melissa is our little angel." I'll spare you the 5000 word rant I could go on about this conversation.

Dad tells Drew, "If you want to marry this girl, I'll throw a party." Yeah, lots of people have engagement parties. How do you feel about Des?

Drew tells Des he loves her. He just kinda blurts it out like an unexpected belch.


Chris -- McMinnville, OR
What's this? A park? They go play baseball. Chris is totally condescending about her abilities to throw and catch and hit. Yes, because American women are never good at sports with that one exception of that time they always dominate every Olympic event every four years.

At dinner Chris and Des tell a story about how she fell and tweaked her back on one of their dates. Dad, the chiropractor, takes her downstairs for an adjustment. Which only serves to creep out all of America. 

Dad asks Chris if Des takes care of herself like Chris does. Then he gives Chris a "nose adjustment" by jamming a balloon up Chris' nose and inflating it. This guy's name tag reads "Dr."

Mom is creepy as shit with Des. She's clearly trying to make Des uncomfortable. Instead, she's just making me think about her terrible haircut.

Chris' sisters finally reveal to him that they did not like his last girlfriend. They phrase it, "we did not like the last one." Like she was a iPhone that had been dropped too many times.

In the end, this weird ass family gives Chris their blessing. I'm just glad it's over.



Brooks -- Salt Lake, UT
He's from Salt Lake? Is he Mormon? Does she get to meet his other wives?

Prior to the date she says, "I love Brooks." The producers are clearly setting us up. Des is going to pick Brooks and he's going to reject her. 

They have a picnic in a park. A PARK! Can you believe it? They take a canoe out on a lake. Not THE lake, but A lake. Brooks almost tips the canoe. That's easily the most interesting thing that's happened on this date.

When they get to Brook's house, there are a ton of people and they are all wearing name tags. They give her a big group hug. I get the feeling they do the name tag and bear hug thing a lot.

Brooks' brothers grill him about Des. One asks, "Can she hang with you?" Way to dig deep, bro. Another brother asks, "Can you be with her for the rest of your life?" Brooks replies, "Good question." Bro responds, "That's a real one." HUH? What language are they speaking? 

Brooks never answers anyone's questions.

At the end one brother says, "Thanks for not being a huge waste of time." Don't get ahead of yourself, buddy.


Back in L.A.
Des "decides" that she needs to meet with her brother Nate. He was the guy who was a dick to Sean last season. She says that she doesn't want him to be around if he's going to be a dick again. 

She says, "I haven't seen you since last time when you screwed it up for me."
He says, "It was just supposed to work out that way." The part where you were a dick or the part where you screwed up?

After Des describes all the guys to him, he says, "I would like to meet them and get in their heads."

Eventually he says, "I'm glad you're in charge of this moment and I don't have any concerns," but he only says that because the producers need a clear conclusion to this segment.


Sit Down with Chris Harrison
Des sits down in an overly decorated room of some type to chat with Chris Harrison. She reiterates that she is in love with Brooks. Brooks hasn't yet told her he loves her. Des says that she can feel that he loves her. Des also implies that she loves Chris but she seems pretty set on Brooks. In fact, she basically says that she sees the show ending in a proposal from Brooks. No way this goes wrong.


The Rose Ceremony
Another bad dress from Des. It's like she bedazzled it with melted nickels. Before she passes out the roses, she says, "This is hard. Math is hard."

Brooks, Chris and Drew get the roses.

Zak goes home to prepare to become the next Bachelor.

Des tries to talk but he cuts her off and says, "I'm just completely shocked." She gives him the ring back. He takes it pretty well. Also, Des is terrible at breakups. She suddenly forgets how to complete sentences.

In the car Zak says, "I'm completely numb right now. Tomorrow I'll probably be heartbroken. Right now I'm trying to figure out what just happened. I don't want to go back to my old life because it's a lonely life." He tosses the ring out the window. He's giving a great limo performance. It will work perfectly during the intro to the next season of The Bachelor.


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