Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Bachelorette Finalé, Part 1 (Desiree) - A Review

This is not the end. The end is next week. I will not be able to review next week's episode as I will be out of the country. You'll just have to make all the snarky jokes yourself. You can do it, I believe in you.

Desiree and her remaining guys are in Antigua this week.

We have to listen to Desiree talk about her wonderful guys for about ten minutes. You can tell that she only wants to talk about Brooks. The other two are distant seconds. Also sloppy seconds?

First Date -- Drew
They hop in a Jeep and explore the island. They happen upon a party. An old man weaves a heart with a rose on it and says that Drew can give it to Des but they have to kiss. As they kiss he says, "Kiss. Kiss. Intense." Is he some kind of basket-weaving-kiss-coach? If so, he needs to work on the kiss coach part.

Drew is one sweaty motherfucker. I get it. I feel his pain.

At night, they make out on a rainy beach and we're forced to watch. The rain ruins Desiree's plan for dinner on the beach. So they go to the Fantasy Suite early.

Drew says, "I don't care what the conditions are like but I'm going to make my feelings known and make the best of it." Your'e a real trooper, Drew. Way to tough it out and go straight to the Fantasy Suite. She gives him the Fantasy Suite card while they are in the Fantasy Suite. You know, because we're so big on written invites these days.

Brooks with Mom and Sister
Brooks goes to Idaho to talk to his family about Desiree. He admits that he's not in love and that proposing would make him uncomfortable. Frankly, I don't see a problem here. Why can't he just be all, "Hey, I'm glad you picked me, let's date for a while before I propose." You know, like an adult.

Second Date -- Chris
They're also just going to explore the island. They hop into Helicopter and go for a ride. Good to see you again, Helicopter. How have things been? Have you been seeing other people? Yeah? Good for you. You look happy. I'm truly happy for you.

Meanwhile, Chris and Des make out on the beach. A lot. It's gross.

At dinner Chris tells Des he wants to live in Seattle and he would like Des to move there with him. She says she'd be open to moving to Seattle because she knows she'll never have to because she's not going to pick Chris.

She gives him the key to the Fantasy Suite. He accepts; they go to the Fantasy Suite and he reads her another poem. This is the first time in Bachlelor/Bachelorette history poetry hasn't gotten you laughed off the show.

Final Date -- Brooks
Chris Harrison shows up at Brooks' place. Brooks says tells Chris he's not sure Des is the love of his life and he doesn't think he's ready to propose. They say a bunch of other stuff but it's pointless and non-sensical because Brooks never completes a thought or gives a straight answer. In the end, Chris says, "What I'm hearing from you is that you wish it was Des but it's not." Brooks says, "Yes."

As Brooks walks up to break up with Des, we hear Des tell us how excited she is for the date and how she is in love with him. She immediately notices that something is wrong. They walk to the end of the pier to talk.

Because it's Brooks, he fucking beats around the bush for about twenty minutes and talks in circles and doesn't complete his thoughts and just generally tortures Des. Eventually she asks, "How do you really feel?" 

He says, "I really want to be madly in love with you." 

When Des tells him that she loves him. He says, with a panicked look in his eyes, "Why didn't you tell me?" It's pretty clear that Brooks just didn't want to get dumped so he dumped her first. If he'd known she loved him, he would have stuck it out. 

If Bachelorette fans had brains, Brooks would now be the biggest villain ever on this show. Instead, he'll probably be the next Bachelor.

For some reason they walk off together. Des says, "Do you want to know why I was conflicted through this whole thing? Because I didn't want to share my heart. I wanted to give it to you." After that he lingers way too long and she starts to get a little pissy with him (understandably). Time to walk away, dude. You have to let her be pissed at you.

After Des walks away, Brooks breaks down. He says, "Way worse than I thought it was going to be." Yeah, because you're an idiot.

As the credits roll, Des says that she doesn't think it's fair to the other guys and that "she's done." But we know she's not completely done because there's another two hours that you all have to sit through next week. Have fun with that.

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