Tuesday, July 23, 2013

The Bachelorette, The Men Tell All (Desiree) - A Review

It's the "very special" Men Get Bitchy episode. But first we're stuck watching Chris and Desiree crash Bachelorette watching parties. Why is it interesting to watch people watch this show? Also, these women are way too dressed up to not know that their party is being crashed.

Desiree sits down with three former Bachelorettes (Emily, Ali and Ashley) and talks to them about "bad boys." Because it makes sense that the most manipulative Bachelorette ever (Emily) would have plenty of insight into people being assholes.

All the guys are there except the dude who had the boyfriend. I'm not going to list them because if you really want to know who they are, well, you have the Internet.

The Highlights
Kasey talks too much because, you know, that's what he does.

All the guys do their best to say things they think women want to hear so they can, you know, get some after the show.

Ben in the hot seat:
I still haven't figured out why all the guys hate Ben so much. In fact, it's pretty clear that the guys don't even know why they hate him so much. Dan says that he encountered Ben's ex-wife and she told him some bad things about Ben. It's well known that exes never lie about their former partners. How do the Tell-Alls continue to be popular episodes on this show?

James in the hot seat:
Mikey backs up James on the whole conversation controversy. Then Kasey says, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." Does this guy ever shut up? Can we please have a new season of Bachelor Pad so we can see some muscled-out freak punch him in the face?

Juan-Pablo in the hot seat:
He gets the hot seat simply because he's foreign and hot. He spends the whole time talking about his daughter and how hard it is for him to date. They take an extra long commercial break after this so the ladies can go rub one out.

Zak in the hot seat:
They do their best to make sure that we know Zak is a good guy and that he's hurt. Chris pulls out the journal Zak gave Des and reads the poem Zak wrote in invisible ink. More good stuff we'll see at the beginning of the next Bachelor.

Desiree in the hot seat: 
She tells Ben that she thought from the beginning that he was insincere. It's good being the Bachelorette. You get to re-write the history of this show however you like and no one questions it.

She tells James that she was being manipulated by him. When he tries to defend himself by pointing out the absurdness of dating 25 guys at once, she gets all indignant. You know, because he's being completely unreasonable about his 1-in-25 chances.

Juan Pablo asks why he didn't get a one-on-one and she avoids the question by talking about how hot he is. The correct answer is, "Because I would have slept with you immediately."

Zak and Desiree have an awkward conversation and then he pulls out his guitar and sings her a song about moving on. What in the FUCK is going on? If they put an iTunes link on the screen, I'm done.

Chris introduces the bloopers by calling them, "Everyone's favorite part of the show." Yes, that's why we all slog through 10 badly acted episodes of this shit. To get to the bloopers. 

At the end Chris says to Desiree, "You were a great Bachelorette." Were. It's over for him. If only it was over for us, too.

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