Thursday, August 29, 2013

"Man Things"

"Man things" that I hate:

1) Anything to do with the fucking lawn.
Why do I want to pour my time and money into my lawn? What a fucking waste. I could be taking my daughter to a museum or just taking a nice, long shit. Just about anything is better than baking out in the hot sun pulling weeds out of the fucking mulch at the expense of my back and knees. Don't even mention the fucking water bill to keep my grass green during eight weeks of no rain. Sure, I could pay someone to take care of it for me (I totally pay the kid down the street to mow the grass) but then I'd be paying for someone to take care of my lawn so that the goddamn neighbors don't fucking complain. I won't give in to the peer pressure. You want to see beautiful flora and fauna? Go on a vacation. And keep off my lawn.

2) Pretending to enjoy whiskey.
I love making that sour grimace every time I take a drink. Just like I love working twice as hard to repress that sour grimace when I'm only half way through the glass. Why pretend to enjoy something that looks and tastes like rust? I won't. It's stupid.

3) Pretending to enjoy cigars.
Oh, yes. Let's envelop ourselves in a cloud of acrid smoke emanating from the soggy brown phallus hanging out of our mouths. Oh, could you make it so little bits of it get stuck in my teeth and mouth for DAYS? You can? Fantastic. Can I also get a side of zero buzz to go with my nauseous feeling? Perfect. Let's also throw in a nice carpet-flavored aftertaste that lingers for several days.

4) Pretending to enjoy strip clubs.
I haven't had a ton of experience with this one as I've only been to one or two, but these places are mostly sad. I'm not even talking about the strippers. Dudes get weird and desperate. Also, the strippers often make me sad.

5) Pretending to enjoy gambling.
Gambling is for boring people who don't know how to have fun. Anytime someone proposes something that might be even slightly construed as a competition, some dude is always, "Why don't we make this a little more interesting," and he plops down a twenty. Really? You need the threat of losing money to make it more interesting? How about you have an interesting conversation with any one of the people you are with? Or maybe fucking make a joke or two at your buddies' expense? Why does money have to be involved? If you can't have a good time without some kind of stakes you are broken.

6) Bug duty.
Look, I don't mind killing or removing bugs from the house. Someone else needs to step up and handle it every now and again. I don't need to be informed every time there is a bug in the house. Anyone else can work the flyswatter (or "splat" as Scarlett calls it) as well as I can.

7) Driving.
Traffic. Other drivers. Fuck that. Get me out of here. I'd rather be playing Angry Birds in the passenger seat any day.

8) Fighting.
Why would I want to hit or be hit by anyone? I wouldn't. You always just end up with two angry dudes with more bruises and zero problems solved. Fighting is dumb.

9) Lifting shit.
Yes, I may be the strongest person available. Yes, I will use good form and lift with my legs. Yes, my back will still hurt tomorrow. No, I won't complain about it because everyone else already used the bad back excuse to stick me with the chore, anyway. I won't stoop to your level.

10) Golf.
Why is this the chosen sport for guys to do business? Can't we just have dinner at a restaurant with a nice outdoor area? Let's save us all the frustration of playing a game at which everyone is terrible.

11) Anything involving a ladder.
I'm afraid of heights. The last thing I need is to be climbing up on a ladder and putting my entire life in danger. I'll do it but you're going to have to clean the poop out of my pants when I'm done. 

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