Holy shit, guys. You would love what is going on in my train right now. This androgynous person sitting in front of me on the train is eating greek yogurt. Blood Orange Chobani. With a black spoon. I think it's a woman but not because he or she is eating yogurt. I eat greek yogurt every day when I get home. I think it's a woman because she's wearing what seem to be mom jeans. HOWEVER, the footwear is very guy-going-trail-running. Not saying that ladies can't go trail running, just that they would probably wear less manly footwear. The haircut is very preppy-80s-movie-asshole. Plus, he or she has some gray hair. That's fairly rare on a woman. HOWEVER, I did see an attractive lady in my office sporting a fairly trendy cut and the front of her hair was gray. It was pretty sexy. Ladies should do more to make their gray hair sexy instead of hiding it behind false color. No reason a woman can't be a silver fox (silver minx?). Anyway, person of indiscriminate sex is sitting in front of me eating greek yogurt. WHAT A MYSTERY. Maybe I'll take a chance and offer my hand to help him or her step down off the train and say, "My lady," and see if I get punched in the face. FOOLPROOF PLAN.
Speaking of mysteries, my train is always getting stopped for something which often makes us late. The conductor will announce over the PA, "Ladies and gentlemen we are stopped waiting for signal clearance. We're not sure why we're stopped but we hope to be moving shortly." Why tell us that you don't know why we're stopped? I need confidence from my train operators. Look, when the zombie apocalypse goes down, the train is going to be our most reliable source of transportation (just trust me). It's one of our oldest forms of transportation. The people running this shit should always know what is going on. Don't shake my faith in you, train system.
Speaking of faith, I have none. Not the spiritual kind, anyway. I mean, I have faith in Tristan Tanner and her ability to always be funny. I have faith in my wife's ability to mother. I have faith in my ability to project manage the shit out of IT projects. I have those kinds of faith. The other kind of faith I don't find very useful and I've never gotten anything out of it.
Speaking of getting out of it, it seems I've gotten out of the comedy business. I haven't performed in probably a year. I'm not really keeping track but it's been a long time. I haven't shut off the funny faucet or anything. I can still be funny. Ask Dee, she'll tell you I'm hilarious. She'll probably tell you I'm mostly annoying and sometimes funny. Still, I HAVE THE FUNNY IN ME. I'm glad Tristan Tanner is still in the comedy business and I hope she stays in the comedy business forever. The world deserves to have her funny spewed at them until the second she dies.
Speaking of death, I often imagine that instead of something profound, I'll say something hilarious and dark in my final moments. That's the way I want to go out. When I'm lying in my deathbed because the cancer has eaten my insides, I want to make a hilarious and sick joke like turning to Dee and saying, "YOU DID THIS FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY!" Then dropping dead. Or maybe I can get the cast of The Death Show with Death back together and we can all sing the closing song, "Die One Day," around my deathbed. I'll even let Brad Norman record it for his YouTube page. Can I write that into my will?
Speaking of will, I've got a strong one.
Speaking of strong one, I just farted.
Speaking of farting, it's only funny in real life. Never in movies, on TV or in improv shows.
Speaking of entertainment, I hope this was.
Speaking of was, this is.