Thursday, November 21, 2013

New Socks, New Man

Guys, I bought me some socks. Top notch socks with all sorts of features to increase comfort and stay-up-ability. You see, my old socks had all sorts of stay-up-ability issues. Any time I started walking it was like someone dropped a Slinky® around my ankles. Anyway, these new socks came in many different colors and patterns. For example, the socks I'm wearing today are gray with purple polka dots. They stay up very nicely. They are also very comfortable. They even have some sort of extra elastic or something around the mid-section of the foot that increase stability or comfort or something. I don't know. I'm not some sort of sock technician. I'm pretty sure those bands are infused with some sort of artificial business performance feature that allows me to navigate the hallways and conference rooms at peak efficiency. I definitely feel efficient in these socks. You should see the way I run meetings now that I feel confident in my sock game. I'm undefeated in meetings since I've been wearing these socks. Who knows what might happen with tomorrow's socks? What color will I choose? Green and navy stripes? Pink and gray stripes? Maybe even aqua socks with thin gray stripes? I could choose any one of those and then DOMINATE my meetings. I've a veritable buffet of socks to choose from. These socks are versatile, too. I can't wait to wear them to more casual events so I can start dominating those, too. I'm about to win all of the cocktail hours and brunches and group dinners. It's a brand new me with some brand new socks and you're about to get OWNED.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

What is Wrong with These Gym Bros?

To the dude in my gym's locker room who decided to leave his underwear hanging on the shower curtain rod for the rest of us to deal with:

Why are you wearing your underwear to the shower? You're in a fucking locker room. You're allowed to be naked in the locker room. It's okay. If you're so worried about being naked in the locker room, wrap a towel around your waist. If for some reason a towel cannot be wrapped around your waist or you don't know how to wrap a towel around your waist, just hold it in front of your junk. There are zero reasons for you to be bringing your nasty underwear into the shower area.

Why are you hanging your underwear on the shower curtain rod? There are hooks outside the shower on which you can hang things — on second thought, don't hang them there, either. That's where people hang their towels. How about you just don't fucking WEAR YOUR UNDERWEAR INTO THE FUCKING SHOWER LIKE THE ONLY TEENAGER WHO HASN'T GONE THROUGH PUBERTY.

Seriously. What is the deal with guys like you who are afraid to be naked in a locker room? You don't want everyone to see your precious penis? WHO CARES? No one, that's who. No one in that locker room is interested in your dick (No, not even the gay guys.) In fact, most people will make the minimal effort it takes to not look at your dick. Are you trying to be considerate? Don't want to expose people to looking at your dick because you don't like to look at dicks? Grow up. People get naked in a locker room. In fact, it's necessary to get naked in a locker room so that you can shower and change your clothes. Don't be all, "Why does that old man want everyone to see his wrinkly dick?" Don't project. He probably doesn't want EVERYONE to see his wrinkly dick, but he certainly doesn't give a shit if some uptight young punk sees his wrinkly dick. His wrinkly dick has nothing to do with you but he seems to be the only one who knows that. We need to get over our bodies. When and who decided that we should always be ashamed of being naked? What's the big deal? We're all encased in these meat sacks that look generally the same. Who cares if some dude/lady at the gym sees more of your meat sack than you like or vice versa? (Heh, meat sack.)

My point is that if you could get over yourself, I wouldn't have to deal with a sweaty, nasty pair of used underwear hanging from the shower curtain rod in the gym. I'd much rather glimpse your dick for a few seconds than try to keep your sweaty underwear from falling on my head while I shower.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Scared of a Bag of Chips

Sometimes I'll come home to find a brand new bag of chips in the cabinet. I'll see that bag of chips and be all, "Hell yeah. Those are my favorite chips. My wife loves me and wants me to be happy." I'll grab the bag of chips and start to open them and then stop…

Oh wait. Are these for some party that we're having that Dee told me about but I totally didn't pay attention to because I was immediately annoyed by the fact that we're having some sort of party I'll have to clean up after? Maybe? I don't remember. I should text her. No, texting her about chips is dumb. I don't need chips, anyway. No, I do need these chips. I'm definitely going to text her. No, I'm going to check the calendar first. Hmmm, there's nothing on the calendar. I think I'm good. Oh wait, is she taking them somewhere for some ladies' thing she's going to? I don't know, I never pay attention. Damn. 

…then I just open the chips and eat half the bag. You know, because I'm a shoot first ask questions later kind of guy.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Straight Lines: A Rant

Look, human beings, I know life is confusing and challenging but is it too much to ask you to WALK IN A STRAIGHT FUCKING LINE instead of weaving all over the damn sidewalk? Those of us who have places to go would rather not dance around you while you figure out where the hell you are. Don't make me go all Dwight Freeney on you. You don't want to get blindsided and strip-sacked on a Chicago sidewalk. You need to focus up and notice what the hell is going on around you. PEOPLE NOT IN YOUR DIRECT LINE OF VISION STILL EXIST AND THOSE PEOPLE OFTEN LIKE TO MOVE WITH PURPOSE. At least do us the courtesy of staying in YOUR OWN DAMN LANE.

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

The Little Mermaid

My wife and I recently let our daughter watch The Little Mermaid for the first time. She had already been familiar with Ariel from various books and from general exposure to the Disney Channel. When we proposed it to her she was excited to see the "Ariel Movie." This also served as a re-introduction to the movie for me. I hadn't watched The Little Mermaid since just after it came out — which is over 20 years ago. The movie has not changed but I have and it is a very different viewing experience for me. 

For example:

I used to think, "Man, King Triton is a dick." Now I think, "Dammit, King Triton just loves his little girl so much. Sure, he's being a little unreasonable but I can see why he made those choices." The ending? Forget about it. He's letting his little girl go forever. His broken heart is nothing compared to her happiness. I feel ya, King Triton. I feel ya.

On the other hand, Ariel is only 16. What the holy hell? They make a point about telling us she's 16 several times. No 16 year-old should ever get married. This movie didn't come out in 1949, it came out in 1989. Sixteen was way too young to get married even then (and I'm from Indiana). Are there laws of consent in Atlantica or whatever Prince Eric's kingdom is called?

Where the hell are Prince Eric's parents? All we see is the butler. If his parents are dead he should be King Eric. Just sayin'.

Also, there are lots of dead parents in Disney movies.

My 2 year-old is a pretty cool customer. At the end when Ursula gets real big and tries to kill Ariel, Scarlett just looks at me and says, "Ursula is not very nice." Indeed, kiddo, indeed.

It seems like there should have been a much better way for Ariel to become a human than making a deal with Ursula but this was really the only way it could have happened. No amount of pleading and crying would have convinced King Triton to turn Ariel into a human so she could be with Prince Eric. Ariel had to make this deal for her father to understand just how much she wanted this. This feels like a life lesson for fathers everywhere: LET YOUR DAUGHTERS BECOME HUMAN.

Also, a lot of this silliness could have been avoided if Ariel had bothered to negotiate even a little bit. How does the daughter of a king not have any training in negotiation and/or politics? Related point: Someone that naive is NOT ready for marriage, regardless of age.

Maybe I've been doing it wrong, but it took me way more than three days to fall in love with Dee and decide to marry her. I know the movie gets really long if Ursula gives Ariel the standard amount of time for people to fall in love but c'mon. That's what montages are for. Three days? That's a terrible deal that Ariel should never have taken. Also, let's talk about Prince Eric for a second. He fell in love with a vague notion of a woman and a voice while recovering from a near-death experience. He didn't think once that it might have been the sights and sounds of the afterlife? I'm not saying there is an afterlife, but Prince Eric seems like the kind of guy who would believe in that kind of stuff. However, if Prince Eric is an atheist then good on you Disney.

People give Disney shit for portraying their princesses as women who can only find worth by marrying a man — rightfully so — but who the hell are these princes who are ready to propose to a woman after a brief encounter? I mean, the Prince from Cinderella (another movie Scarlett is obsessed with right now) is willing to marry the first woman whose foot fits in a discarded shoe? Prince Eric is willing to marry a voice? Guys, you're princes. Let's be a little more picky. Especially you, nameless prince from Cinderella. I know those shoes were custom made for Cinderella but there's got to be at least one other girl in the kingdom who has feet her size. If this guy is going to eventually run a kingdom, he's going to get destroyed on the battlefield by anyone with half a brain.

Also, check out Cinderella's feet throughout that movie. They're tiny. There's no way she's not toppling over all the time if she was not just a drawing.