Tuesday, December 10, 2013

What I Did on My Two-Week Vacation

I just took two weeks off work. You know what's great about taking two weeks off of work? That you don't have to work for two weeks. And that they keep paying you. Because they trust you to come back. You know, because they know you need the money. And that they'll let you come back. And that they'll let you take two weeks off again sometime in the future. At least that's how my job works. They let me use these "PTO Day" thingies. I get a bunch and can use them how I want for the most part. I mean, I can't use them all in a row. I've never really tried but I would bet they would be like, "Yeah, how about no." And I'd be all, "Yep. That seems right." Plus, it would be dumb. I wouldn't have any days left to use for the rest of the year. Or something. That's not really how it works because there's this system where we earn our days piece by piece by showing up for work or something. I'm not really clear on how it works. That's not true. I know exactly how it work I just don't feel like getting into it. 

ANYWAY, I was off the last two weeks. It was pretty great.

What did I do with my time? Here's a sample:

I went to the gym and got in the best shape of my life. I can now deadlift three horse-drawn carriages (my gym has some unconventional equipment.)

I ate an entire rotisserie chicken with my bare hands. By the way, this is the proper way to eat a rotisserie chicken. Standing, bare handed, towering over it like it might be your last meal and tearing the meat off the bones. You can even cackle loudly if you like. Or maybe grunt if the spirit strikes you. Feel free to suck on the bones. Lick your fingers. Tip the tray and drink the drippings. Make sure to spill them down your chin and the front of your bare chest. Did I mention that you should also be shirtless? Because you should also be shirtless. 

I captained a pirate ship in the Caribbean. I captured and plundered several Spanish and English ships. I also murdered several unsuspecting men. I did this all while playing the Edward Kenway character from Assassin's Creed IV.

I typed words into my computer that I hope to bring to you one day in some form or another. These are not those words. I am typing these words right now as you are reading them. It just seems like they are already there but they are not. They are only appearing as you read them. Even if you skip ahead, I'm typing those words, too. You can't prove this isn't the case. You can't prove they aren't there until you've read them because once you've read them they are there. Here. I mean here.

I hung lights on the outside of my house despite my better judgement. They are blue. 

I rediscovered my hatred of glitter. Is it possible to make a Christmas ornament that doesn't involve glitter? I'll tell you: NO. APPARENTLY IT IS NOT POSSIBLE. All ornaments have glitter. In fact, they have so much glitter that they seem to spontaneously create more glitter to cover all of the surfaces of my house and child. Glitter is a disease that needs to be purged from the Earth.

I reminisced with my wife about her competitive badminton days. Okay, part of that is not true. We did not reminisce about her competitive badminton days. She did, however, play competitive badminton.

I made Peppermint Loaf. No, that's not the name of the hottest new dance. The Peppermint Loaf. It should totally be the hottest new dance, though. Peppermint Loaf is this chocolate-peppermint bread... loaf. It's delicious and I'll make it again. Maybe I'll invite you over to try some but I probably won't. I like to keep it all for myself. IT'S MINE.

I taught my daughter to scream, "GO PACERS!" in the general direction of my wife (a Bulls fan.) It's my family's favorite new game. Well, it's my and Scarlett's favorite new game. 

I took naps. I took luscious, wonderful naps.

Also, I can squat twelve giant pandas. I can also catch and wrangle them onto a squat rack.

1 comment:

  1. Agreed. Glitter is an invention from the Devil.
    Sounds like you had a great vacation!