Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Tips on Health/Fitness

If there’s one thing I’m comfortable saying about myself, it’s that I’m fit and healthy. I’ve got all sorts of medical documentation to prove it. In the many years I’ve spent maintaining my health, here are a few things I’ve learned:

DON’T go on a diet.
DO change the way you eat.

DON’T do a cleanse.
DO avoid cleanses at all costs.
Seriously, don’t ever do a cleanse.

DON’T worry about missing a day at the gym.
DO make sure that one day doesn’t turn into one month.

DON’T think of health or fitness as something you can achieve.
DO think of health or fitness as something you have to maintain.

DON’T keep doing a workout you hate.
DO try everything so you can find those workouts you love.

DON’T do the same thing every day.
DO change your routine frequently.

DON’T believe anyone who tells you it’s possible to lose X pounds in X days by doing/eating “this one thing.”
DO understand that fitness is a combination of many things to be done consistently.

DON’T try to get in shape in one day or month.
DO understand that fitness takes time and dedication.

DON’T forget that pain is an important way your body communicates with you.
DO learn the difference between soreness and injury.

DON’T completely deprive yourself of the unhealthy foods you love.
DO make your favorite unhealthy foods a rare treat or reward.

DON’T set one goal and myopically focus on it to the exclusion of all else.
DO constantly review and revise your goals based on your current level of fitness.

DON’T weigh yourself every day.
DO weigh yourself weekly if it’s a necessary part of tracking your progress.

DON’T punish yourself for not reaching your goals.
DO recognize the gains you’ve made.

DON’T be fooled into thinking that fitness is a way to extend your life.
DO understand that fitness is a key to a better quality of life.

If there’s one thing you take away from this, remember that fitness is not an activity. It is a lifestyle.

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

A Revision Revision: My ND Football Preview

Last week, I revised my "Best Case Scenario" published in my original ND Football Preview. After the 31-0 blowout of the Skunkbears, I feel like I need to do another revision since I completely forgot to mention the defense. Here we go.

My original “Best Case Scenario”
Best Case Scenario
The Irish beat Rice, Michigan, Purdue and Syracuse to start the season and everyone stays healthy. We lose to Stanford, beat North Carolina and lose to Florida State. We finish with wins against Navy, Northwestern, Louisville and a banged-up USC squad to finish 10-2. No playoff.

My revised “Best Case Scenario”
Best Case Scenario
Golson scores five touchdowns every game, never commits a turnover, blows up highlight reels and keeps his regular season undefeated streak alive through 2014. He wins the Heisman, National Championship, Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, Tony, World Cup, Nobel and Hunger Games. We crown him Forever President and his first move is to relegate Michigan to FCS status. The nation rejoices, crime disappears, and the world suddenly finds itself in an unprecedented state of complete peace and harmony. Sure, overpopulation will still be an issue, but no one’s perfect. 

My revised, revised "Best Case Scenario"

Best Case Scenario Addendum to "Revised Best Case Scenario."
In addition to Golson ascending to never-seen-before-heights, the defense -- even in its depleted state -- will set up camp in the opposing team's backfield, making fires and cooking beans right in the can. They will sack the quarterback approximately twenty-four times per game. When they are not sacking the quarterback, they will pressure him into making bad decisions so that our secondary (and linebackers, never forget the linebackers) will intercept nearly 90% of passes thrown. When a team is lucky enough to complete a pass, the defenders hit the receiver so hard the equipment managers will not be able to piece him back together. The defense will win every possible defensive award, both team and individual and Notre Dame will create its own version of the ACC commercial with all the awards. They will surrender only three points for the remainder of the season. Those three points will be scored only because Navy are good sportsmen and will ask us politely to let them kick a simple field goal so as not to completely embarass our country.

There. NOW, I've properly revised my "Best Case Scenario."

Tuesday, September 02, 2014

Revision: My ND Football Season Preview

In case you missed my barrage of tweets on Saturday, the Irish destroyed Rice by hitching their wagon to Everett Golson and his seventeen touchdowns. Golson absolutely played out of his mind. He completely blew away all my expectations. I know it’s just one game, but I feel like I need to revise my "Best Case Scenario" for the Notre Dame football season:

My previous “Best Case Scenario”
Best Case Scenario
The Irish beat Rice, Michigan, Purdue and Syracuse to start the season and everyone stays healthy. We lose to Stanford, beat North Carolina and lose to Florida State. We finish with wins against Navy, Northwestern, Louisville and a banged-up USC squad to finish 10-2. No playoff.

My revised “Best Case Scenario”
Golson scores five touchdowns every game, never commits a turnover, blows up highlight reels and keeps his regular season undefeated streak alive through 2014. He wins the Heisman, National Championship, Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, Tony, World Cup, Nobel and Hunger Games. We crown him Forever President and his first move is to relegate Michigan to FCS status. The nation rejoices, crime disappears, and the world suddenly finds itself in an unprecedented state of complete peace and harmony. Sure, overpopulation will still be an issue, but no one’s perfect. 

There. That’s my revised “Best Case Scenario.”

(h/t to @IrishMoonJ for the suggestion. Follow that guy if you've got the Twitters.)


Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Notre Dame Football Season Preview

Author’s Note: This post contains nearly 100% football content. If you are Football Intolerant, you may want to skip this one.

On Saturday, Notre Dame plays its first football game of the season. It’s probably the one thing I am most excited for every year. It’s more exciting than Thanksgiving or Christmas for me. Thanksgiving tends to get in the way of watching football and it’s hard to get too excited about Christmas when you don’t even buy the premise. So the beginning of Notre Dame’s football season is my favorite time of the year.

It also often brings me much pain.

I suspect this season will bring much pain. Why? Well…

…look at this schedule:
8/30 — Rice
9/6 — Michigan
9/13 — Purdue
9/27 — @ Syracuse
10/4 — #11 Stanford
10/11 — #23 North Carolina
10/18 — @ #1 Florida State
11/1 — @ Navy
11/8 — @ #19 Arizona State
11/15 — Northwestern
11/22 — Louisville
11/29 — @ #15 USC

(Notre Dame is ranked #17)

October is going to be rough. There are only five teams on this schedule we should definitely beat (Rice, Purdue, Syracuse, Navy, Northwestern). There are a few more we should beat (Michigan, North Carolina, Louisville). The rest are either toss ups or losses. That’s before I even consider…

…we may be without our best wide receiver (DaVaris Daniels) and our second-best defensive player (KeiVarae Russell) and another starting defensive lineman (Ishaq Williams) due to academic misconduct. These guys were going to be key cogs to a successful 2014. They’re not practicing right now and it doesn’t look like they’ll be available for Rice. Who knows how long they’ll be out — if they even return at all.

Add that to the fact that we already had an inexperienced defense learning a new system under our new defensive coordinator (Brian VanGorder) and we should expect some major mistakes and big plays to happen against this squad. Which means…

…there is going to be a TON of pressure on our offense to score lots of points — which is entirely possible, IF a few things happen:

1) The offensive line — which lost its best player in a decade and a second player to the NFL — is as good or better than last year. I mean, if you think unproven but athletic dudes can step up and fill the shoes of two of the team’s best players from a season ago, this can definitely happen. I’m not holding my breath.

2) Everett Golson is significantly better than he was in 2012. Sure, he sat out last season but no one ever comes back rusty after something like that. I’m sure he’ll be refreshed and perfectly accurate and make all the right decisions.

3) Our special teams improves. Aside from the kickers, special teams have been pretty sad under Brian Kelly. This is the area where I have the most hope. We have a roster full of good players and we should be able to put some athletes on our coverage and return teams who can make a difference.

I’m painting a bleak picture. I hope I’m wrong, but I see too many things stacked against this team right now. This will not be a great season for the Fighting Irish. It could end up being a very good season or it could be an awful season.


Best Case Scenario
The Irish beat Rice, Michigan, Purdue and Syracuse to start the season and everyone stays healthy. We lose to Stanford, beat North Carolina and lose to Florida State. We finish with wins against Navy, Northwestern, Louisville and a banged-up USC squad to finish 10-2. No playoff.

Worst Case Scenario
We beat Rice but lose to Michigan. We bounce back to beat Purdue and Syracuse only to lose three straight to Stanford, North Carolina and Florida State. Injuries start to pile up. The defense is depleted. We squeak by Navy, lose to Arizona State, beat Northwestern and lose the last two to Louisville and USC to finish 5-7. Everyone freaks out and people start calling for Brian Kelly’s job.

Realistically, the Irish will win 7 or 8 games but I can easily talk myself into either of the two scenarios above. Or I could talk myself into an even worse scenario where we lose to Navy and everyone in our defensive front seven walks away from that game with a major knee or ankle injury because, you know, Navy, and we don’t win another game. Brian Kelly is fired, the stadium is razed, they paint the dome purple, denounce Catholicism as a sham and revoke all alumni degrees. 

So, yeah, that’s where my head’s at. BUT I CAN’T WAIT FOR THIS SATURDAY.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Keeping Up the Good Work

It’s been nearly three months since I’ve posted anything on this blog. For two and a half of those months, I thought no one cared. Actually, I thought no one noticed. That two-and-a-half months of no posts almost turned into forever of no posts. Then I went to a party. Well, not a party so much as a wedding but it was also a party. A party where someone got married. At that party were many of the people who read this very blog. It also happens that many of those people are not people I get to see regularly in real life. I was happy to get to see those people. (You know who you are.) And then something weird happened.

People started talking to me about this blog. I did not prompt them. In fact, it didn’t even occur to me that they even read this blog. They brought it up themselves. They talked about my Dad’s Art Review videos. They talked about some of their favorite posts. They talked about the blog in general and how I should “keep up the good work.” 

It’s that last comment that really got me. “Keep up the good work.” He said it like I was about to post something new any second. Which I wasn’t, of course. I hadn’t tried to write something for the blog in over two months. I had basically given up. I was definitely not keeping up the good work. He reminded me that I missed writing for this blog. That the extra effort it takes to come up with something for this site is worth it. Not because people say nice things to me about it but because it’s good for me to get this ridiculous stuff out of my head for others to read.

I won’t tell you that I’m going back to a regular posting schedule because I’ve proven that I can only sustain that for so long before I disappear for three months. I will try to get something posted to this blog at least once a week. Hell, maybe I’ll even jump back in to reviewing terrible reality shows. Who knows?

Anyway, thanks for reading and thanks for saying kind things about this blog without being prompted.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The New Job

As I mentioned before, I recently started a new job. I’ve been at the new job for almost a month and I have a few observations: 

The quickest way for a corporation to gain employee support/loyalty is to tell them they can wear jeans every day. Americans go nuts for wearing jeans to work. 
Side note: Jeans are NOT comfortable. If you want to wear jeans, fine. Don’t tell me it’s for comfort reasons. Men’s dress pants/khakis are much more comfortable than jeans. 

The one thing I miss most about my old job is the cafeteria. I was spoiled by how great that cafeteria was. The cafeteria at my new job is like a poorly wiped butt in comparison.

When I run into people I worked with during my previous stint at this company, they are usually all, “What are you doing here?” My response is typically, “I snuck past security just to surprise you! Surprise! Okay, see you in eight more years.”

For those of you who don’t know, I returned to work at a place I once worked at before I worked at the place where I previously worked. 

Slovenia is nice. You should go there sometime. I felt like I knew the people there. I didn’t know any people there before I went but now I know some people there. I still feel like I know the people there. Probably because I know people there but also because all people are familiar.

I drive more with this job but I walk more, too. To be clear, I drive to work and walk at work. Walking to work would make me late every day. So late that I would miss the entire day of work. Driving at work would be quite dangerous and destructive. Plus, my car would not fit in my cube. Anyway, the drive is long and the corporate campus is large. 

I get to see my wife every day at my new job. We make eyes at each other — but only in the most professional way.

My favorite thing about my new job is that my office is often my home. On these days, I drive hardly at all and walk much less. The cafeteria always serves exactly what I want and nobody wonders what I am doing there. There is no dress code and there are no familiar Slovenians, but eventually my wife shows up and we make less professional eyes at each other. 

Friday, May 16, 2014

Dad's Art Reviews is Dead

I've decided that Dad's Art Reviews has run its course. There will be no more.

There are many reasons, but the main one is that you get it. As soon as you saw the first one, you got it. The rest didn't really add anything. They'll remain out there for your viewing pleasure. So enjoy.

And thanks for watching.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Dad's Art Reviews -- Episode #6

Scarlett takes on Planet Earth, the idea of her self and negative space in this week's episode of Dad's Art Reviews.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Dad's Art Reviews -- Episode #5

Scarlett opens up about her relationship with her mom in "The Green Collection." This week, I review: Green Paint, Oscar's Demon and Big Dee, Little Dee.

Tuesday, April 08, 2014

Dad's Art Reviews -- Episode #4

Scarlett tackles the intersection of chaos and humanity with her three pieces: Ernie's Conflict, Marbles of Emotion and Chaos' Rainbow.

Sunday, April 06, 2014

Thoughts On Leaving My Job

I’m a project manager. I manage mostly IT projects. It’s my job to make sure those projects go as smoothly as possible. There are a thousand different ways to manage an IT project and most of them involve acronyms and the word “methodology.” I could list off the methods I use but it would mean nothing to you. It would only earn me the title of “Creator of the Most Boring List Ever.” The reality of what I do can be boiled down to three words.

I manage change.

Every new project is a change to the organization. Some projects affect everyone. Some affect only a few. Still, they all bring change. Add those changes up over eight years (including the projects other project managers complete) and you’re suddenly looking at a completely different organization. I spent all my time managing all of this change in the organization and yet I did it with the same core group of people for nearly all of my eight years at this organization. That was lucky and rare and I should have known — since I manage so much change — that it couldn’t last forever.

It didn’t.

Things changed. The CIO left. A new CIO came in. With the new CIO came change. My team was reorganized. I was reassigned. Now it was my turn to be affected by the change. I find that people have one of three reactions when change like this comes to an organization: 1) They hang on and hope for the best. 2) They rage against the change. 3) They make a change themselves. The first option is too passive for me. I don’t like to be at the mercy of others. I prefer to have some control over the situation. Option two is not in my nature. It’s pointless to try to fight against what is inevitable. I chose option three. I decided to make a change. I looked for (and found) a new job.

I enjoyed the years I spent working for my old company. I gained great experience and I am much better at my job because of the years I spent there. I’m not angry about the change. Change happens. We should expect it. Sometimes change is good and sometimes change is not. In this case, I didn’t feel like the change was good for me. I’m sure there are others at the company who feel the opposite and they have very good reasons for doing so. I made a choice that was best for me and I won’t pretend that is also best for everyone else.

I’m sad to be leaving. I will miss many of my co-workers — many who became friends. However, I am excited about my new opportunity where I’m sure I will find many new wonderful co-workers who may even become friends.

Change managed.

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

Dad's Art Reviews -- Episode #3

I review three pieces from Scarlett's "Yellow Collection" is this week's episode of Dad's Art Reviews.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Dad's Art Reviews -- Episode #2

It's episode #2 of Dad's Art Reviews where I review "The Potato Bug Ouroboros," "Green E's," and "Train Stain."

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

My New Project: Dad's Art Reviews

Guys, I've got a new project. I'm pretty excited about it. I'm doing a new video series called Dad's Art Reviews. It's me reviewing my daughter's artwork. I won't tell you any more about it because you can watch it below. I'll be posting a new video every Tuesday to my YouTube site, and I'll be posting them here as well.


Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Bachelor Finalé (Juan) -- A Review

It’s the end. It’s finally the end. Boy, I sure do hope Juan Pablo ends up with… DON’T CARE.

In one of the least surprising moves ever, Chris Harrison calls this, “One of the most dramatic and surprising finalés ever.”

Juan Pablo and his family are in Saint Lucia to meet the girls.

Clare and Family
This is the first time Clare meets Camilla, she says, “How adorable is Juan Pablo with his daughter? So hot, though. It makes him even hotter.” You heard it here first, ladies. Dads are SEXY.

Juan Pablo’s family asks if she speaks Spanish. She says her whole family speaks Spanish but that she does not. Clare is so self-absorbed that she doesn’t even learn the language of her own family.

The family asks if Clare wants a family. She says she wants three. Three families? That seems like a bit much.

Juan Pablo’s mom tells Clare, “He sometimes is very rude,” and goes on to explain that he’s basically an asshole. Clare is all, “No, it’s cool. I’m totally in love with myself, so we’re good.” Or something like that.

Juan Pablo’s cousin tells Clare, “When things get hard, he walks away. Are you ready for that?” Clare is all, “Is the camera getting my good side? Have I wobbled my head yet during this conversation? I should wobble my head just to be sure. Maybe I should slightly stick my tongue out between my teeth for good measure."

Juan Pablo’s family is doing nearly everything they can to tell her to run away. She’s not hearing it because she thinks she going to get a wedding paid for by ABC.

Juan Pablo's dad says to Clare, “My doors are open to be part of this family. If something different happens you’ll always be in my mind.” You just got spank banked by Juan Pablo’s dad, Clare.

Nikki and Family
Dad asks Nikki, “How do you feel when you think about Juan Pablo being a single father?” 
Nikki says, “I think she made him the person he is today. I’d like to have a relationship with him and Camilla.” Is she at a job interview or is she having a conversation with a potential family member? 
Then Dad says, “I’m telling you. He’s not an easy guy. He’s focalized on what he wants. He thinks he knows the truth of everything.” 
I love that even Juan Pablo’s family doesn’t like him.

Mom tells Nikki that they’ll just hang out and watch TV the whole time. I think this is the nicest thing any family member has said about Juan Pablo.

Juan Pablo’s cousin also warns Nikki that, “When things are getting rough he will walk away from the relationship.” 
She says, “I think we will fight well.” I mean, so long as you’re good at it...

After the family segments Chris Harrison talks to an audience member who says, “This is going badly. It’s going south fast. His family warned them both and they both said, ‘It’s okay.” This is basically how everyone feels.

Clare’s Final Date
Oh. Hi there, Helicopter. Good to see you again. You’re looking good. I hope things are going well for you. I don’t know. I kinda feel like you’ve been avoiding me. You never return my texts or emails and that’s cool, I know you’re busy, but I just want to know you’re okay. Now I see you are. So, yeah. Hi.

Juan Pablo and Clare get in Helicopter and fly around the island. Clare tells us that when they were landing and there were no cameras or microphones, Juan Pablo said, “That he doesn’t really know me and some sexual thing. I thought this was going to be one of the most romantic moments of my life and it’s not.”

Juan Pablo joins Clare in her hotel room. She refuses to kiss him when he comes in and he’s not happy about it. She brings up what he said to her in Helicopter and then he talks in circles until he wears her down and she somehow thinks that he made it right. He relies heavily on his famous, “I’m just being honest,” line. Then he brings up how she made the no kissing rule in South Korea and didn’t stick to it. Then he says, “So don’t blame me.” This is totally going to end well for Clare, guys.

If you saw this conversation, you witnessed the most ridiculous conversation ever in human history.

Then he plays the song they danced to on their first one-on-one date on his phone. They make out.

Chris Harrison asks Sharleen about the situation. “I found it pretty painful to watch. A girl’s intuition is ringing and she just ignored it while he was quite patronizing to her. And the things he said he liked about her weren’t so specific and his way of complimenting her is telling her that she got to meet his family. I wish she’d stuck to her guns.”

Sean (the previous Bachelor) says, “Honestly, I felt like Juan Pablo was talking in circles. You just want to grab him and say ‘Shoot her straight, just tell her how you feel.”

Nikki’s Final Date
Nikki tells us, “The one thing missing from my fairy tale is how he feels about me.”

Juan Pablo says, “Do you have any concerns?”
Nikki says, “Sometimes I feel like you might be a little guarded.”
Juan Pablo, “Nope. When I feel it, I will open up.” That’s the definition of being guarded but you’re not so good at using your brain, so I’ll give you a pass, Juan Pablo.

Juan Pablo meets her in her hotel room in the evening. Nikki gives him a framed picture of the two of them on a date with a handwritten card which ends it with, “I love you."
He says, “Thank you,” and tries to kiss her. She’s not having it.
Then he leaves.

She goes back to her couch and cries. I feel no sympathy for either of these girls. They’ve been warned.

The Final Rose
Both girls tell us they will accept if Juan Pablo asks to marry them. Yep, that makes complete sense.

We don’t get to see Juan Pablo pick out the ring, nor do we get to see him talk about how in love he is. You know, because he’s not.

Clare arrives first and immediately launches into a big speech, “Getting out of the limo at the beginning I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know what kind of man you were. But I’ve wanted to be here. There were times I wanted to bolt but I’m standing here with you because we have something special and I believe in you.”
Juan Pablo responds, “Clare, we had our ups and downs, we communicated, we talked and fixed them. You’re here because I wanted you to be here. I wish the Earth sucked me today because this is the hardest decision ever. I appreciate you being here and trusting me. I’ve been honest since the beginning with everybody here that at some people has gotta go home. I gotta follow what I think is best for me and I have to say goodbye to you.” He tries to hug her and she stops him. The crowd cheers. 

(By the way, there are no typos in Juan Pablo’s speech. He actually said, “I wish the Earth sucked me.”)

Clare goes into lecture mode, “This entire time I stuck around because I believed in you. I needed that reassurance last night. For you to sit there and tell me that you could see us together. I saved this moment for the man of my dreams and I thought that was you and I thought I knew what kind of man you were.” He tries to jump in and she says, “I’m not done. Sharleen didn’t have the feelings for you. Andi did the same thing, you had every opportunity to do the same to me.” He tries to talk. She shuts him down. As she walks away, she says, “What you just made me go through? I would never want my children to have a father like you.” THE CROWD GOES WILD.

He then says, “Woo. Glad I didn’t pick her.” He’s lost the crowd for good with that. He is officially the villain. I’ll say it again: Juan Pablo is officially a villain because he dumped one of the least popular girls on this show. He’s setting records here, folks.

In her one-on-one Clare scream-cries, “Where’s that man that would fight for me?” Dee says, “Oh great. Are they really leading up to her being the Bachelorette? I will blow my brains out.” Agreed.

Nikki is cocky. She says, “This day will be one of the best days of my life.”

Nikki gives a little speech. Juan Pablo responds, “Nikki. Woo. Just know that I love so many things about you and it’s the reason I want you to be here. I love your honesty. I can see you as a good stepmom for Camilla.” He mentions his conversation with her father in which her father said that he should be 100% sure she’s the one if he proposes to her. He says, “I’m not 100% sure that I want to propose to you but I’m 100% sure that I don’t want to let you go.” He offers her the final rose. She assepts. This is not the way to win the hearts of The Bachelor fans, Juan Pablo. They want a doomed engagement or nothing.

After the Final Rose
Chris Harrison brings Clare out first. They talk briefly about the breakup and Chris asks if she wants to speak to Juan Pablo. Clare says, “I thought about this. I had never been able to stand up to a man before. It was so liberating to say every single word how I felt. That was my closure, that’s all I needed. I don’t want to sit here on this couch and get fed any more BS.” Suddenly, she’s a crowd favorite.

Chris brings out Juan Pablo who is immediately defensive. I’d transcribe the conversation but when you write down the words he says, it makes even less sense than when he says them out loud. If that makes any sense. 

Nikki comes out and Chris talks to her alone. Here is their conversation:
Chris, “Is there a relationship?”
Nikki, “Yeah, it’s been great.”
Chris, “You’re still in love. Is he in love with you?”
Nikki, “I don’t know.”
Chris, “Has he told you?”
Nikki, “It’s not that he doesn’t tell me, it’s his actions.”
Chris, “He’s never said those words?”
Nikki, “No.”
Chris, “Is that a struggle?”
Nikki, “I’m not going to force it.” (Because it’s good for my modeling career.)

Chris brings out Juan Pablo to join Nikki. The audience is not thrilled. Usually they go NUTS for the final couple.
Chris says to Juan Pablo, “When you were in Saint Lucia you said that you had a big surprise for tonight.”
Juan Pablo denies that he said that.
Chris asks how he feels about her.
Juan Pablo talks in circles.
Chris asks how he feels about her.
Juan Pablo talks in circles.
Chris asks how he feels about her.
Juan Pablo talks in circles.

Eventually Juan Pablo sums it all up by saying, “At the end of the day, I’m glad that I singed up and I’m glad I got what I wanted to.”

Indeed, Juan Pablo, indeed.

The new Bachelorette will be Andi. Dee doesn't have to blow her brains out.

Tuesday, March 04, 2014

The Bachelor, The Women Tell All (Juan Pablo) -- A Review

It’s time to get sassy, folks. It’s the Women Tell All episode.

They’re billing this as the “most controversial” season of The Bachelor. What is the controversy? That the show is still on TV? I don’t understand.

The great thing about watching this on delay is that I don’t have to sit through hearing about Sean and Catherine’s wedding and honeymoon. That is followed up by some stupid Muppet Movie promo. Also skipped.

The Ladies Unleashed
Before we hear from the ladies, we see clips of the ladies talking about how wonderful Juan Pablo is. This is probably the last good thing we’ll hear about him all night.

Chris Harrison then asks, “Clearly Juan Pablo is an attractive man. Why wasn’t that enough?” We’ve done it! We’ve found the dumbest question ever asked!

Chris asks Renee, “What did you see that we didn’t?” Renee says, “We had our kids to talk about.” Everyone politely ignores her and jumps back on the whole, “he didn’t want to know about me" thing.

Kelly (the one with the dog) decides she’s going to be the one who calls people out even though she interested exactly no one who watched this show and has no legs to stand on.

Chris asks how it felt to have Juan Pablo kissing so many girls. The girls aren’t as upset about the kissing as they are about his arbitrary rules and his willingness to break them as soon as he made them. They just want a little consistency from a guy dating 27 girls at once.

Chris asks about Clare and Juan Pablo sneaking out to the hot tub and ocean, “Did he handle that situation with Clare in Vietnam correctly?”
Sharleen says, “I think he had a case of buyer’s remorse. I’d definitely respect him more if he stuck with that decision than flip flopped.” NEVER FLIP FLOP. NO ONE RESPECTS A FLIP FLOPPER. For example, if you think gays are “more pervert” then you should stick to that and never, never, NEVER change your mind. Even if you are presented with convincing evidence.

Sharleen in the Hot Seat
Chris Harrison says, “You’re the most intriguing person we’ve had.” Probably true. Which is exactly why she’s a terrible match for Juan Pablo.

Chris asks, “Why did you say goodbye?”
Sharleen says, "I said goodbye because I knew he wasn’t the one for me."

Chris then asks, "Are you surprised to find out that you were one of the top girls during the show?"
Sharleen, "Yes, I’m surprised. It was shocking. I knew I was near the top but not one of the favorites."
The other girls are all, “Oh yeah. We knew she was the favorite."

Chris asks, "Do you have any regrets?"
Sharleen, "I regret some things I said but not that I left.”
You mean things like, “cerebral connection”?

Too bad the “most intriguing person” The Bachelor has ever had is the most boring in the Hot Seat.

Renee in the Hot Seat
Chris says, “You had that special connection. What was that connection?”
Renee says, "It came a lot from us both having kids.”
You can see it dawning on her that the only thing they ever talked about was their kids and that she was completely duped.

Chris asks, "You were in love with Juan Pablo?"
Renee says, "I had those feelings. Yeah."
Chris asks, "Would saying 'I love you' have made a difference?”
Renee says, "No, I don’t think so.”
Guys, this is a first. A girl admits that confessing her love probably wouldn’t have made a difference. She’s definitely taken over the “most intriguing” title from Sharleen.

At the end, she admits that she is, “in a situation where I’m very happy.” Dee tells me she’s engaged. Not to Juan Pablo, though, so there will be no TV wedding.

Andi in the Hot Seat
Chris asks, "Heading into the Fantasy Suite were you in love or falling in love with Juan Pablo?"
Andi says, "In that moment I felt like I could fall in love with him."
Chris asks, "When the doors close and we leave, what happened?"
Andi, "It was fine for a little while. It was nice to be away from the cameras for a little bit. Then everything was about his soccer and his traveling and who he knew. It was all about him. There was a lot of negativity."
Chris, "What was he being negative about?"
Andi, "The whole process. I don’t think he appreciated what he had. I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor.” The audience laughs. Oh man, I feel you, audience. Juan Pablo is THE WORST, right?

Andi mentions that Juan Pablo made a comment about his overnight with Clare. Andi says, “In that moment, I thought, 'This will never work.”
Chris says, "Did you tell him you found it offensive?"
Andi, "No. I regret that."
Andi then says, "I just closed my eyes and hoped it would be over."
Chris asks, "You faked sleep?"
Andi, “YUP.” (Or something like that)
She finishes up by saying, "He was never mean to me. The things he said made me feel cheap. He just didn’t think."

Chris Harrison then smoothly segues into, "Do you believe that 'great love' as you say, exists?"
Andi, “YUP."
Chris asks, "And you’re going to keep searching for it?"
Andi, “YUP."
Folks, that was code for “Andi is our next Bachelorette.”

Juan Pablo in the Hot Seat
Chris jumps right in, "There were moments that people were talking about, now that you’ve seen it, would you change them?"
Juan Pablo says, "At the end of the day you have to be very mature, realistic, honest in this situation and I’ve been honest since day one. Sometimes that happens to be rude but yeah. It’s gonna hurt. I have no regrets."

The girls try to call him out on his shit but he manages to Bad English his way out of most of it. It’s fun to watch because the girls think they have these unassailable stances and he just responds with a blank look and, “It’s okay. I understand,” and they get more and more frustrated. It’s like arguing with a psychologist.

Chris asks Andi, "Are there some things you’d like him to understand?"
Andi takes the bait again. Why does she even bother?
Andi says, "A lot of us came here looking for a husband and very seldom did you use the word ‘wife' and the conversations didn’t show that you were trying to find a wife."
Juan Pablo says, "It’s your opinion, I understand it.” BRILLIANT.

Chris asks Sharleen, “Do you feel like he took it seriously?"
Sharleen, "Yeah, but i’m getting the feeling the other girls felt differently.”
She looks so confused. This experience will scar her for life.

Lucy says, "I think everyone wanted to feel like they were in a unique and individual relationship with you. This is not a game.” IT IS A GAME. Part of that game is that most of you walk away feeling shitty. You signed up for this. Don’t be surprised when you’re part of the majority that got hurt.

Kelly says to Juan Pablo, "I heard and interview where you made a comment about gays being 'more pervert.' Coming from a parent who is gay I was hurt by that."
Juan Pablo says, "That situation was taken out of context. I’ll explain to you. We will talk."
Victoria (the drunk one) jumps in and says, "As somebody who has only lived in the country for ten years and up until the age of 15 didn’t speak any English, please stop using English as my second language as a cop out.” The problem with this statement is that I think his communication issues are legit. He’s only learned enough English to get himself laid.
Juan Pablo says, "I will not waste four minutes, I’d rather spend an hour to explain to you. I love gay people.” GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

Chris throws it to the blooper reel like this show isn’t just one long blooper.

Then we get to see previews of Nikki and Clare crying. Can’t wait.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Bachelor Episode #10 (Juan) -- A Review

Juan Pablo and the ladies are in Saint Lucia and the drama is turned up to eleven. Juan Pablo gets his overnight dates with the girls.

Let’s do this, people.

First Date — Clare
Clare and Juan Pablo get on a yacht. BUT WILL THEY JUMP OFF TOGETHER? 

Clare claims she’s unsure whether she will accept the invite to the overnight. She says her experience in Vietnam makes her hesitant to spend the night because Juan Pablo wants to set an example for his daughter. Good excuse, lady, but we know you’re staying in the Fantasy Suite.

They jump off the yacht together. Surprise!

In the evening, they are in some sort of tropical treehouse. He impatiently puts up with Clare asking about Camilla and then presents her with the Fantasy Suite key. Juan Pablo says, “What do you want to do? How do you feel about it?” She brings up Vietnam and says, “I really respect how you take her (Camilla) into consideration.” He responds, “This is here. This is now. This is the overnight.” It feels less like an explanation than a demand. She agrees to the Fantasy Suite.

In the Fantasy Suite Clare says, “I’m loving falling in love with you,” which is like saying, “I’m thinking of thinking about it." They get in the hot tub. Sexy times are implied.

Second Date — Andi
Juan Pablo and Andi walk around Saint Lucia. They play steel drums. They get some food and ambush some little boys sitting at a picnic table. It’s clear these kids were put up to it and they’re not thrilled about it. Juan Pablo finds out the boys play soccer and a pick up game breaks out on the beach. 

They drive off in a dune buggy into a jungle to have a little picnic at a secluded waterfall. It adds nothing. Our time, wasted.

In the evening they find their own tropical treehouse. Juan Pablo gives her a long speech about how he listens very closely to every word she says. Foreshadowing, people.

He offers her the Fantasy Suite key. She says, “I’ve had a great day and a great night and if this is something that is serious for you then I would like to do this.” They toast and immediately begin making out.

In the morning, Juan Pablo says the night was wonderful and they talked and laughed, “For hours. HOURS.”

Andi says, “Waking up this morning, I could not wait to get out of the Fantasy Suite. I saw a side to him I didn’t really like. I really hope he did not think that went well. I hope he doesn’t think that was a good date.” She says he told her about his overnight with Clare — which she did not ask about. She ends with, “It’s extremely important for me to be with a guy who loves me more than he loves himself.” This is not an issue for Clare.

Third Date — Nikki
In the preview to the date, Juan Pablo says, “Tonight is my overnight with Nikki.” Not, “my day with Nikki,” but “my overnight with Nikki.” He says he saved Nikki for last though, "I had no complaints with the other two girls. I got to see Clare in a bikini all day [makes cat sound]. Every time I get to hang out with Andi, it gets better and better."

Nikki and Juan Pablo ride horses. Nikki says, “I think Juan Pablo and I have a relationship based on honesty.” As much as a relationship on a mostly scripted TV show can be. Juan Pablo knows she’s happy because he saw her smile. Yes, the rare Nikki-smile. She’s a real delight.

Nikki plans to tell Juan Pablo she loves him at dinner.

In the evening they sit down for dinner on the beach. She asks him if he is worried that she has doubts. He says no in about 400 words and immediately offers her the Fantasy Suite key. 

In the Fantasy Suite they make out. When Juan Pablo asks her what she’s thinking she says, “This means a lot to me. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t feel the way I do. Aaaaand, I love you.” Probably the least romantic “I love you” I’ve ever heard. She should have just handed him a business card with the words on it.

Meeting with Chris Harrison
Chris and Juan Pablo sit down to chat. Chris says, “How are you feeling?” 
Juan Pablo says, “I’m good.” 
Chris asks, “What does that mean? Are we losing something in translation?” Yes, Chris. Also, he’s dumb. 
Chris asks, “Are you sure about what you’re going to do?” 
Juan Pablo says, “No. I don’t know. I can see myself with Andi, Nikki and Clare. I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Great. Glad we got that settled. Thanks for nothing, Chris Harrison.

The girls have recorded videos for him. Here are the recaps: 
Nikki: “Our date here was the most romantic day of my life. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us.” 
Clare: “I’ve absolutely just fallen in love with you.” 
Andi: “After waking up in the Fantasy Suite with you a lot of thoughts were going through my mind. I don’t want to share those thoughts in a video message, I want to share them with you in person.” Insert dramatic music here.

As she’s walking to meet Juan Pablo, we hear her say, “I want to pack up and call it a day and try to move on.”

This is the part of the show where Andi breaks up with a Juan Pablo because he won’t listen to her and for some reason expects him to listen to her about it. JUST WALK AWAY, LADY.

Andi explains to Juan Pablo that he’s never bothered to find out anything about her. He says, “It’s okay.” She loses her shit. She says, “Don’t ever say ‘okay’ again. It’s bad. It’s annoying.” Then they argue about whether Juan Pablo said “default” for about five minutes. Juan Pablo hides behind, “I’m just being honest.” Andi replies, “There’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole."

Why does Juan Pablo only cry when HE breaks up with girls but not when they break up with him? Oh, narcissism, right.

After she leaves, Juan Pablo tells the cameras, “If she would have come up to me and said that it wasn’t going to work, I would have been crushed. The arguments? Just disappoint me right away. She’s a lawyer. I’m not going to argue with a lawyer. Honestly, putting words in my mouth just killed it.” Yes. It’s completely her fault you didn’t bother to give a shit about her.

Juan Pablo says, “I was shocked that she wanted to go home. If that’s how you feel, it’s okay.” Cut to Andi in the car saying, “Right now I think Juan Pablo is saying ‘It’s okay.” What time is it? ZING O’CLOCK.

The Rose Ceremony
Chris Harrison tells Clare and Nikki that Andi has gone home. He brings Juan Pablo out to explain. Juan Pablo says, “I just talked to Andi. She decided that she wasn’t feeling right. That she didn’t have strong feelings for me and she wanted to go home. Obviously, it hurt. It did. There’s nothing I can do about it. I cannot force anyone to like me or marry me.” No, you can’t force someone to like you, Juan Pablo, but you can make an effort to show you like them.

Clare thinks that she and Nikki are completely different people and that Juan Pablo’s choice will reveal a lot about him. This is funnier than anything I could ever come up with.

Next week is the Women Tell All episode. There will be hugs and laughter and general merriment at the reunion, I’m sure. Only tears of joy. Joyful, joyful tears.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Bachelor Episode #9 (Juan) -- A Review

I missed last week’s review. I did eventually watch the show and I can’t even remember who Juan Pablo sent home. I’m sure he cried about it, though.

It’s hometown week. The ladies take Juan Pablo home to meet their families.

Kansas City, MO — Nikki
Nikki takes Juan Pablo to Oklahoma Joe’s — a BBQ joint. He doesn’t know what BBQ is. He loves it and attacks it with reckless abandon.

Nikki then takes him to ride a mechanical bull as retaliation for making her dance in South Korea. However, Juan Pablo jumps right in and enjoys it instead of pouting the whole time. Huh. Who knew trying new things could be awesome? She wants to tell him that she loves him but “It’s not the right time.” No? The bar with a mechanical bull isn’t the right time?

Juan Pablo meets Nikki’s mom, dad and two younger brothers. There may be a wife or something in there, too.

Nikki says of her mom, “My mom is my best friend.” RED FLAG. She tells her mom she’s in love with Juan Pablo. She says, "Hopefully, the next time you see me I’ll be engaged.” Mom approves because that’s what a best friend would do.

Dad tells Juan Pablo, "If your heart isn’t 100% there, don’t propose.” You know, standard dad stuff.

Nikki's dad asks her, “What makes you so compatible with him?” 
Nikki says, “He makes me feel really comfortable around him. I can’t put my finger on it.” He’s cool with that answer. TOP NOTCH PARENTING RIGHT THERE.

Juan Pablo and Nikki stand out on the front porch and make out. She doesn’t tell him she loves him because, “It didn’t feel right.” It’s not going to, lady.

Atlanta, GA — Andi
Andi is smartly dressed. Juan Pablo is wearing jeans and a crappy long sleeve t-shirt. He’s really working hard to impress these ladies.

Andi takes him to a gun range. She drills the target with a 9mm and then moves on to a larger weapon. Juan Pablo takes several shots and entirely misses the target on every shot. Andi tells him she won’t take him home until he hits a bullseye. It looks like he’ll never hit one. Eventually, he hits a bullseye. I DON’T BELIEVE YOU. EDITING TRICKS.

Juan Pablo meets Mom, Dad (whose name is Hy), a sister and her husband. As Andi and Juan Pablo tell the family about their dates, Dad gives him a hard time for not giving her a one-on-one until there were only eight girls left. Dad is not thrilled. He says, “I’m looking at two people who are infatuated with each other. He may be infatuated with other girls, too.”

During dinner Andi says, “And you guys were worried.” 
Dad says, “Oh, I’m still worried.” 
Juan Pablo asks, “You’re worried?” 
Dad says, “Oh yeah. Definitely.”
Juan Pablo acts like this is some kind of surprise. Like he’s shocked someone might not approve of this method for finding a spouse.

Mom asks Juan Pablo, “What is it you find special about her?” 
Juan Pablo says, “She’s beautiful first.” Yep, that’s pretty much as deep as it goes for Juan Pablo. Mom then tries to get him to dance with her. He gets Andi instead and they dance terribly. 

Dad asks Juan Pablo, “What in the world made you go on this show?”
Juan Pablo says, “If I go on the show, the people that come on know who I am — I’m a father, I want a family — hopefully they want the same.” Juan Pablo asks if Dad will accept him and his daughter into his family. Dad rambles a lot and then says, “My answer to you is I won’t answer you because the person who is good enough for my daughter is going to come to me and say there is no one else in the world for him.” Juan Pablo claims to like this “honest” answer.

Andi’s sister tells her that she doesn’t see the connection between the two of them. Andi looks disappointed yet undeterred.

Andi's Dad tells her that he doesn’t want her to get hurt. Look, this is terrible dad advice. Your daughter is a grown woman. You should have raised her to be able to handle herself. If she’s willing to take the chance, trust her to be able to handle it if things don’t go well. 

At the end of the night, they sit outside on a bench and talk about the gun range. You know, because that’s the most pressing issue at hand this evening.

Sarasota, FL — Renee
Juan Pablo gets to meet Renee's son, Ben. When he meets her on the beach, he says to her, “Welcome to Sarasota.” Hmm, he doesn’t know how welcome works.

She takes him to Ben’s Little League game. Ben shows up in his baseball uniform and Juan Pablo is strangely awkward and too familiar with him. You’d think he has never dealt with children before.

Is it bad that I just want to completely skip over Renee’s date? Nothing interesting is going to happen here.

Juan Pablo talks with Mom, Dad and brother while Renee puts Ben to bed. We don’t see any of the conversations.

Renee tells her mom, “I’m totally madly, crazy in love with him.” 
Mom, “Have you told him?” 
Renee, “No.”

Renee wants to say “I love you.” When Juan Pablo asks her what she’s thinking, she says, “I’m thinking about a lot of things.” None of these girls can say it. DON’T GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION.

My favorite part is that she’ll tell herself the reason she went home was because she couldn’t say it — not because Juan Pablo is a douchebag.

Sacramento, CA — Clare
Clare tells Juan Pablo that when her father was dying he told his daughters to ask him anything. She asked him who would dance with her at her wedding. He said, “Why wait?” She picked the song and they danced. Juan Pablo reacted by saying, “Whoo!” Then he and Clare go throw rocks.

Juan Pablo meets Mom, four sisters and a brother-in-law.

Clare and Madeline (the sister she trusts) sit and talk. When Madeline asks what Clare would do if Juan Pablo proposed, Clare says, “I would say yes in a heartbeat.” Can we just get these two married and let them live their miserable life together?

Clare sits down with Mom and Laura (the angry sister). Laura won’t let Mom speak for herself and tells Clare, “When it comes down to giving a blessing, I don’t think we’re there yet.” Clare is rightfully confused. Laura then walks away but still hovers nearby. This family is a big bowl of crazy.

Laura then butts in to Juan Pablo's conversation with mom. Clare tries to break it up but Juan Pablo diffuses the situation and eventually gets to talk to Mom alone. He knows how to play the ladies. I told you he and Clare are the perfect fit.

Rose Ceremony
One girl goes home tonight.

The roses go to Nikki, Clare, and Andi.

Renee goes home. Juan Pablo cries. Renee kinda cries.

After the Rose Ceremony, they sit down to discuss the breakup. Juan Pablo says, “This is horrible.” 
Renee says, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I wanted to tell you how I felt, but it was just a lot. I did fall in love with you and it’s okay. You opened up my eyes to a whole new world.” This is why Renee is our favorite and we’re glad she didn’t end up with this douche.

Tonight there is another episode. Because I missed last week, I’m going to gut it out and write another one of these. See you tomorrow. 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Today's Bachelor Review... not happening.

It turned out to be an unexpectedly busy evening and watching TV wasn't something that was possible. I have every intention of returning next week.

Monday, February 17, 2014

My Wedding Anniversary, My Dad's Wedding Speech

Yesterday was my and Dee's 6th wedding anniversary. What's the 6th anniversary? Paper? Cardboard? eCards? I don't know. Anyway, we watched some of our wedding video yesterday and it reminded me of my Dad's wonderful speech at our wedding reception. I thought I'd re-post it here for everyone to enjoy.


Jeffrey & Deanna,
For your families and I, you must know that this day is, in our lives, as special to us as it is to you. It is a day we have thought about since we held you in our arms for the very first time.

I want to share a couple of thoughts with you.

First, the poets and lyricists often embrace the strange idea that this bride and groom are destined by the stars to be together and that each is the only person in the world for the other - that somehow fate had predestined this day and this union.

But looking at the two of you: Deanna - a raving beauty, bright, wonderful, kind, caring - a woman that would make a wonderful wife for any man she chose and I would guess that there are a hundred thousand young men in this city alone who would gladly change places with Jeffrey this day to win her hand.

And Jeffrey - please excuse your doting old dad, but God, I'm proud of this young man. He is everything a man could ask for in a son. Handsome, intelligent, strong, funny - as best I could ever tell the delight of everyone he ever met. Likewise, there is no doubt in my mind that thousands of ladies would have eagerly welcomed a life with him.

But the magic of today is not that some cosmic gravity brought them together, the magic is that of all the other choices they might have made, of all the relationships that might have been, these two people - today - called together their families and their friends and the people that are important in their lives to a place they both held sacred, and in front of the world and their holy God, swore their eternal love to one another, to exclusion of all the other possibilities that might have been. Jeff and Dee join their lives today not because of any occasion of fate, but because they have resolved to devote their lives to one another. 

The love you see in them tonight is not a love of chance - it is a love of choice.

And then, there is the famous phrase: "Happily ever after".

Dee and Jeff, everyone at this event tonight wishes you a "happily ever after" and there will be great times ahead for you. As time goes on, I know that you will discover delights and pleasures even more profound than this night. Maybe one day, if you are as fortunate as Greg and Barb were, some beautiful little girl will climb up on your lap and ask you to read her a story and you're hearts will burst at your pride for her. Or, maybe, if you are as lucky as Joyce and I were, some little boy will meet you at the front door at the end of the day with his ball and bat and beg, "Hey, Dad, will you pitch me a few?" And my God the world just doesn't get better than that.

But your vows today weren't just for better and richer and health. If the rest of your life was only about the good times, those vows would be empty and pointless. There will also be hard times - times of doubt, times of stress, and times of illness. It is in the hard times that you will discover how much you need one another. It is in the hard times that you will begin to understand what it is to have one person in the world that is there for you and that no matter how uncomfortable it might sometimes seem, that you are the one person on whom your partner can count.

To live "happily ever after" would be a very shallow life. I tell you tonight that in the good times you will find happiness, but it is in the hard times that you will find the depths of your love.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The Bachelor Episode #7 (Juan) -- A Review

This week the crew will be leaving their stain on Taupo, New Zeland.

In the opening, Kat says she wants to "kick it up a notch.” I assume she means go home.

First Date — Andi
The date card reads, “Let’s HEAT things up…” It’s totally going to be the standard chemistry lab date.

Juan and Andi get in a jet boat (boat jet?) and they take off down the river. The boat takes them to a place called “The Squeeze.” I feel like Juan is making up the names of these places. They wade into an increasingly tight crevasse between large rock formations. The water does not look warm. Eventually, they come to a little hot springs cove with waterfalls. In a surprise twist, they make out.

Juan Pablo says, “I like Andi. She is so cool.” He’s like a first grader talking about his action figures.

They have dinner next to a geyser. As they begin to eat, the geyser erupts. Prematurely. It soaks them both and ruins their dinner.

They move to the other side of the geyser. They stand by a railing and almost have a conversation. He pulls the rose out of his coat and offers it to her. She assepts. They make out.

Juan isn’t even trying anymore. These dates leave no room for conversation. They’re just little adventures with make out breaks.

Second Date — Sharleen, Chelsea, Renee, Nikki, Kat, Cassandra
The date card reads, “Let love ROLL.” Yes, because that’s a saying.

Today is Cassandra’s birthday. It’s the perfect setup for Heartbreak City.

Eventually, they discover they will be rolling down a hill in an OGO — a large plastic ball. Everyone loves it. It’s the first group date in Bachelor history where someone isn’t complaining the whole time. Nikki makes out with him in the ball, because that’s what Juan does.

In the evening, they have a cocktail party at Hobbiton — where they filmed Shire scenes from Lord of the Rings.

Juan tells Renee, “You’re one of my special ladies.” Yes, they’re all so very special. Renee says that she’s glad he sees her as a “package” not “baggage.” Both of those things are easily shipped off to America.

Nikki tells Juan, “I feel like I’m totally falling for you.” Juan’s response? “K. I like it.” Guys, we’re witnessing a true romantic.

The girls talk about the possible meaning of the roses on a group date. Their mistake is that they assume Juan actually thinks about who he gives a group date rose to.

As soon as Sharleen sits down with Juan, she says, “Hi." He immediately kisses her. Juan is drunk and all he wants to do is make out. Sharleen tries to talk about how she feels uncertain but he just doesn’t want to hear it. He just keeps pushing himself on her. I can’t really describe how awkward and dismissive it is. I think he lost his audience here. Not even Juan is hot enough to pull off being that dismissive and pushy and creepy.

Cassandra tries to tell Juan how much she appreciates him as a dad. He drunkenly leers at her and tries not to fall asleep. Thankfully, he doesn’t try to kiss her.

Juan gives the rose to Sharleen. He then takes Cassandra away for more one-on-one time. He says, “You’re gorgeous, you’re funny, you’re nice. I wish we were on the same chapter.” He sends her home. I’m not sure he ever found out it was her birthday.

In the car, Cassandra cries and says, “I want love so bad. I’ve been waiting so long.” YOU’RE 21. You’ve got time.

Final Date — Clare
Clare is still worked up about the whole situation in Vietnam. I’m still worked up that her name is missing an ‘i’.

Clare says, “There’s a difference between being honest and hurting someone’s feelings.” Nope. Incorrect. Those two things can exist together and often do. Anyway, she expects Juan to apologize.

Juan doesn’t apologize but he says, “There are some things you will learn from me and some things I will learn from you.” When she presses him, he says, “You were so happy [about swimming in the ocean] and if I said no you would be devastated and I didn’t want that.” Instead, he’d rather piss her off after they bone in the ocean. Somehow she thinks he apologized even though he totally made it her fault. 

These two are perfect for each other. They completely deserve each other. This may be the best match The Bachelor has ever made.

Juan and Chris Sit Down...
…and add absolutely nothing to the show.

The Cocktail Party
Kat, Chelsea, Nikki and Renee are nervous because they don’t have roses. The room is really quiet and Juan tries to break the ice. He fails spectacularly because he can’t make out with all of them at once.

Nikki tells Juan he looks nice and makes him do a spin. He tells her he has on pink underwear. They make out. Then she over explains something and they make out some more.

Juan gets Renee to talk about her son. She absolutely lights up. It’s cute. And it’s going to be heartbreaking for her when he chooses Clare.

Chelsea is worried. She tells Juan about her last relationship. She tells him she wants to stay. He says, “I want you to be okay. Do you feel better now?” She says yes. WHAT IS THIS STRANGE VOODOO?

Kat tells Juan a story about how her dad was passed out drunk and she had to climb into her sister’s crib to console her. Hasn’t she figured out that Juan doesn’t want to hear heartbreaking stories? He just wants to make out.

Chelsea and Kat are both convinced the other is going home.

The Rose Ceremony
Sharleen, Clare, Andi have roses.

Nikki, Renee, Chelsea get roses. Kat goes home.

When Kat hugs Sharleen, Sharleen says, “I’m really sad.” FORESHADOWING.

Kat tells Juan, “Good luck," and gets in the car. She cries and says, “It’a a marathon, not a sprint. I just didn’t get up to speed.” She just couldn’t shift that gear from Meaningful Conversation to Make Out Session.

Sharleen is really upset and confused. She “feels like it’s wrong somehow.” Go with your gut, sister. She says she’s going to give it another week and see if there “is something I’m missing.” Yeah, self-esteem, a decent guy, a thousand other things.

He tells the girls they are going to Miami.

During the end credits, they show Juan throwing sheep poop at the girls. Seriously, he throws sheep poop at the women like he’s some kind of first grader. They play it off like it’s some kind of blooper reel, but you can’t escape the fact that a large, muscular man is throwing feces at a group of women. I’m ashamed to be a man and therefore be associated with this doofus.

Next week, more make outs.