Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Q&A on The Bachelor #2

Twice this season, contestants have interrupted other contestants' quality time with Juan Pablo. Should Juan Pablo and/or Chris Harrison be equipped with NFL-style penalty markers for such infractions?

I can tell by your question that you’re relatively new to The Bachelor viewerdom. This happens every season. The Bachelor or Bachelorette is talking with one person and another comes to break it up. It’s something that has bugged me from the very beginning. 

Do I think The Bachelor/ette should be given NFL-style penalty markers for such occasions? Absolutely. Unfortunately, that would make it way too obvious to the viewers that they are watching a game show and the producers don’t want that. You have fantastic ideas and questions, Mark.

My bigger beef with this is that the Bachelor/ette always acts like they have no choice in the matter. If someone comes to interrupt, they’re always all, “Oh. Well, sorry Person-I’m-Talking-To-Right-Now, but Person-Who-Interrupted-Us wants to talk, so I have to talk to them now.” No one has EVER put their foot down. I have a feeling the producers don’t want them to because these interruptions are often major tools to stir up drama between the women/men. What really needs to happen is for the Bachelor/ette to say, “I’m sorry, but I’m in the middle of a conversation right now. Once we finish up, I’ll come find you and we can talk. Thank you.” Then we wouldn’t need penalty flags at all.


Basically, my suggestion is that the contestants handle themselves like adults, but we know that’s not going to happen.

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If you have a question, leave it in the comments, message me on Facebook or @ reply me or DM me on Twitter (@jdford). Thanks for reading. 


Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Bachelor Episode #5 (Juan) -- A Review

The gang is off to South Korea. The promo says it’s “South Korea, Juan-nam style.” Yeah, this show is the worst.

Open with Juan and his daughter. Again. We get it. He has a daughter. We’re either convinced he’s a good father by now or we’re not. A few more shots of them together are not going to make a difference.

Chris Harrison appears to say, “Just 13 of you left.” Yes, JUST 13. Such and intimate group. There will be two group dates and one individual date. Chris tells them they will receive the date cards in South Korea. 

Clare says, “Korea? I don’t even have a kimono.” This is what happens when you let the contestants write their own dialogue. By the way, Dee is pissed about Clare being an obvious plant by the producers to create drama. Dee says, “If I can tell she’s an actor, someone should get fired.” I’ll be talking to Dee about her self-esteem later.

When they arrive in Seoul and walk the streets, one girl shouts, “THERE ARE SO MANY GOOD SHOE STORES!” South Korea: come for the rich, ancient history. Stay for the shoe stores.


First Date — Chelsea, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, Nikki
The date card reads, “POP.” 

Nikki is pissed she’s on another group date and the producers make sure we hear about it non-stop.

Juan is taking the girls to dance with the top K-pop group in South Korea, 2NE1 (pronounced "twen-nee one"). Kat immediately lets us know in the most annoying way possible that she has been dancing since she was four. Nikki can’t dance so she’s even more pissed. Then she gets extra pissed when she finds out their dancing at a 2NE1 concert. Why have none of the girls ever figured out that when they are the worst at whatever it is they are doing, they have the best opportunity to make a good impression? 

They perform in a mall packed full of thousands of fans. Kat tries way too hard. If she tried any harder there would be an international incident. Nikki tries to hide. Chelsea says, “Just to be able to say the sentence, ‘I danced on stage with Koreans most popular K-pop group’ is amazing.” You figure out what that’s supposed to mean.

In the evening they are having a dinner/cocktail party at the South Korean Furniture Museum. Yep, that’s a real thing.

Kat wants to let Juan know that she’s more than just fun and games. While Kat is with Juan, Nikki wastes no time talking trash about Kat to the other girls. Meanwhile, Kat talks about her alcoholic father and her parents' separation. Juan looks drunk and bored.

As Juan pulls Cassandra away, she says, “Get me out of this circle,” because none of the girls want to hear Nikki bitch any more.

Elise decides to talk to Juan about the other girls. Warm up the bus, this teacher is going back to school. 

Nikki tells Juan how hard things are for her. She says she wants to open her up but she just complains about about people with bigger personalities. You know, because she’s miserable.

Juan gives Nikki the rose, she assepts. Elise says, “Ugh. Yuck.” Famous last words.


Second Date — Sharleen
The date card reads, “Are you my Seoul mate?” You know they couldn’t pass up that obvious, high-quality pun.

Sharleen is not super excited. She’s worried that she could still go home because she’s at the point where she’s not sure how she feels about Juan. Clare sees this as “being there for the wrong reasons.” You know, because falling in love after one date is perfectly reasonable.

They explore Seoul. Sharleen says, “I feel like we’re on vacation together and we’re walking through a market.” Yeah, because you are.

Sharleen calls Juan “not bland.” HIGH PRAISE. Before dinner, Juan puts her on the spot and asks her to sing. She doesn’t want to. She says, “I would never sing for a guy this early in a relationship. I don’t want the early stages of my relationship to be about me being an opera singer.” Of course. It would be terrible if someone admired and respected your talent. She sings anyway. As they make out awkwardly Dee says, “They’re making noises.” Dee prefers silent make outs.

Juan asks her, “How many kids do you want?” She avoids the question. He says he wants two more. Maybe three. She says, “Kids for me is something I’ve never even thought about. I’ve been so career focused up to now.” She says she wasn’t ready when she dated a guy with a daughter because she wasn’t ready to be the second to the daughter. We never hear her say she wants kids.

Juan appreciates the honesty and offers her the rose, she assepts.


Final Date — Alli, Andi, Clare, Kelly, Lauren, Renee
The date card reads, “Let’s get krazy in Korea.”

They explore Seoul. He takes them to a karaoke bar, then a photo booth, then paddle boats, then to a place called Dr. Fish Zone. They put their feet in a tank and tiny little fish eat the dead skin off their feet. Clare tries to dominate Juan’s time. When she tells him she doesn’t want to eat octopus, Juan goes immediately to get octopus. They have to pressure her into eating it. This is how he can expect her to react to trying Venezuelan food. Sounds like a wonderful marriage to me.

At the cocktail party, all of the girls want to kiss Juan. Juan has decided that he’s not going to kiss anyone tonight because of his daughter (who he doesn’t let watch the show, by the way). Dee is spared from kissing noises.

Renee and Andi still manage to have a good time with Juan without kissing because they’re adults. Lauren freaks out because Juan won’t kiss her. Just wait until she finds out that he kissed Clare despite his silly rule. He claims that Clare is “too sexy” to resist. Sure, in a clinical way.

Juan offers the rose to Andi, she assepts. 


Cocktail Party
Juan immediately feels the tension between the girls. 

The girls agree that the ones with the roses should take a backseat to the other girls tonight. Nikki immediately breaks that rule by interrupting Juan and Clare’s one-on-one time. When Juan hints that things are weird with the girls, Nikki assumes that Clare said something to him. Because there’s no possible way he’s perceptive enough to notice the obvious tension.

Nikki and Clare don’t like each other but you already knew that. You’d think they’d be able to bond over the dumb spelling of both of their names. 


The Rose Ceremony
Nikki, Sharleen, Andi have roses.

The roses go to: Renee, Chelsea, Kelly, Danielle, Cassandra, Alli, Claire, Kat

Elise and Lauren go home. Elise says, “I’m super disappointed. It sucks. My mom didn’t want me to be around such negative, ugly people — not outside, but in.” Well, your mom got her wish. Lauren just cries about crying when Juan wouldn’t kiss her. Then she cries about crying right then. It’s a downward cry spiral.

Juan tells the remaining girls they are going to Vietnam. Saigon… shit.






Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Thoughts on Richard Sherman's Post-Game Rant

In case you didn’t watch the NFC Championship Game, THIS HAPPENED at the end.

My thoughts:

1) Here are my literal thoughts as the whole thing was going down:
“Oh goody, here comes another boring post-game interview.”
“What in the hell is he saying? Oh, he’s pissed at somebody. Crabtree. Yeah, it’s definitely Crabtree.”
“Did I miss something? Did Crabtree talk trash before the game?”
“This dude went to Stanford. I wonder what his major was?”
*Googles Richard Sherman*
“Oh shit. He was a Communications major. I’m going to tweet this:"


“That was WAY better than any interview Peyton Manning has ever given.”
“Oooh. My tweet is getting lots of retweets.”
“I’m hungry. Where’s that pizza?”

2) I watch football to be entertained. Once the game ends, my entertainment levels drop pretty drastically while I watch boring post-game interviews and replays of the thing I just watched. Richard Sherman woke me from that post-entertainment coma by ENTERTAINING ME SOME MORE. Football is entertainment. Nothing more. These guys have no other duty to us fans than to entertain us by playing the best football they possibly can. Both the Seahawks and 49ers players did just that. Then Sherman took it to the next level. Did he need to call Crabtree “sorry”? No, but he just made a career defining play to send his team to the Super Bowl. I’m willing to let that slide. I was just happy to see a dude fired up about his job.

3) If you don’t know Richard Sherman’s story, look him up. This is a good place to start. He’s a smart dude who has spent his life defying the odds. It definitely lends a little insight into why he reacted the way he did.

4) If you use the word “thug” you are a racist.

5) Richard Sherman is smarter than you and he doesn’t care what you think. Which is exactly why he is way more interesting than about 99% of NFL players.

6) I have a hard time criticizing a dude we should all be celebrating. He is the American Dream story we’ve all been sold since we could understand words. So, yes, let’s make an example of him. Let’s make him the example that we teach everyone to strive for.


Q&A on The Bachelor #1

Mark asks:

If a female Bachelor contestant can do the show for an indefinite period of time and also be considered “a good mother”, what would it take for someone to be considered “not a good mother”? And can time on the show somehow be considered “work /life balance”?

Mark-
You ask a complicated question. I’m going to assume this is a hypothetical for several reasons. First, I don’t think anyone NOT on the show thinks that any of these women are, or ever will be, good mothers. “Appearing on The Bachelor” fits my #1 criteria for being considered not a good mother. Of course, that assumes that these women are NOT actors. If, in fact, they are actors then they may still be considered good mothers as it is assumed that their “children” are also actors. I do believe that actors can be good mothers. 

If they are actors, time on the show would not be considered work/life balance. It would just be work. If they are NOT actors, it cannot be considered work/life balance because there is no balance. They have basically decided to neglect their duties as a mother in order to go to dating boot camp for about twelve weeks. That’s not balance, that’s just being selfish. A good mother finds a way to date without putting her motherly duties on hold. Granted, this is not easy but no one ever said being a parent is easy. I’m a parent and I cannot — nor would I want to — check out of being a parent for twelve weeks.

However, if you are a male contestant on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette you can be considered a good father simply because you have a child and mention it on the show. That’s because the bar for fathers is set extremely low. (I’ve written about this before) Or because everyone assumes the kid is with the mother. 

Basically, my suggestion is to be a straight, white, middle- to upper-class male. It solves a lot of problems.  

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Bachelor Episode #4 (Juan) -- A Review

This week, our Bachelor was embroiled in a bit of a scandal. When he was asked if there should be a gay Bachelor, he responded, “No… I respect [gay people] but, honestly, I don’t think it’s a good example for the kids…” He then went on to say, “It seems to me, and I don’t know if I’m mistaken or not… but they’re more ‘pervert’ in a sense. And to me the show would be too strong… too hard to watch.”

Now, if I were also into negatively stereotyping people, I would write something like, “Is it really a surprise that a Latino man is homophobic?” But I won’t do that. Instead, I’ll ask exactly how the current show is a good example for the kids. He says that he doesn’t let his daughter watch — and he shouldn’t if I wants her to grow up with a positive image of women — and yet having gay contestants on the show is somehow setting a bad example for the kids. Guess what, Juan. You’re homophobia is setting a bad example for the kids.

The show opens with a jealousy montage. Ladies be gettin’ catty. The word “whore” is said. NOW WE’RE TALKIN’.

Chris Harrison appears to remind us he’s still part of the show and that he has bad taste in shirts. He explains there will be a group date and two individual dates.

First Date — Cassandra
The date card reads, “Love is a wild ride.” That can only mean they’re going to be riding giraffes.

Before the date we see Juan with his daughter. They’re speaking a lot of uncaptioned Spanish. I can only assume he’s teaching her to hate gay people.

They hop in a convertible Jeep and drive to a body of water. Seriously, Juan drives the car directly into the water. It’s some sort of boat-car (car-boat?). Cassandra mentions that her last first date was 3 years ago — when she was 18.

They drive the car-boat (boat-car?) to a yacht so we can get the obligatory jumping off a yacht shot that we all know means true love.

In the evening, they go back to Juan’s place for dinner. Cassandra says, “The last time a guy cooked for me was never.” You know, because she’s 21. They dance in the kitchen. Juan has two moves. The first is “teaching” a girl how to dance, the other is getting close, tilting his chin up and putting on his listening face. That’s it. Unless you count a tenuous grasp of the English language as a move.

They show each other pictures of their kids and that’s about as interesting as this date gets. These two are perfect for each other because neither has anything to say.

He offers her the rose. She assepts. They make out. She kisses like she's eating a large sandwich. That’s probably not a great simile because I’m pretty sure she’s never eaten a large sandwich — or anything larger than her thumbnail.

This date has rocketed to #1 on my Most Boring Date list.


Back at the House
All the girls are sporting band-aids on their arms. Realistic guess, flu shot. Funny guess, hepatitis vaccination.


Group Date — Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Ally, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy, Nikki
The date card reads, “Let’s kick it.” Again, you’re not even trying, Date Card. How about something like, “The goal is to win my heart,” or maybe have Chris Harrison walk in and immediately fall down and writhe on the floor clutching his knee when one of the girls approaches him. Anyway, they’ll be playing soccer.

You know how this goes. The girls are split into a red team and a blue team. Typically, the winner gets extra time with Juan and the losers go home but there is no mention of this today. You know, because Juan needs to set a good example for “the kids” by making out with as many girls as possible.

Does anyone care who wins? Not when there won’t be crying after.

In the evening, they get dressed up and return to the stadium for a cocktail party.

Nikki and Juan discuss their fears. Juan’s is hurting people, Nikki’s is getting hurt. I think they picked the wrong show.

Juan takes Andi to the stadium kitchen to make out. Professional sports stadium kitchens, the epitome of romance. 

Sharleen and Juan sit on a blanket at midfield in plain view of the other women. They make out awkwardly. Sharleen kisses like a CPR doll — her mouth hangs open and she just sits there unmoving.

He gives the rose to Nikki. Andi and Sharleen are stunned. Of course, they assume that the make out sessions now mean nothing. Which is probably true.


Third Date — Chelsea
The date card reads, “Do you trust me?” Not where a sense of humanity is concerned, Juan.

They dance to music in the car, then they go to a Venezuelan restaurant and she tries and LOVES everything. You know, because she’s the kind of person who knows how to say exactly what he wants to hear and he’s too dumb to recognize it.

They go tandem bungee jumping on a bridge. Chelsea freaks out, but we know they are going to jump because we’ve seen it in the previews EVERY SINGLE WEEK. Stop trying to build suspense. UGH. They go out and back off three times before they actually jump. They make out while hanging upside down.

She says, “I think that if we can survive jumping off a bridge together, we can survive anything.” Try moving to the ‘burbs then get back to me.

They have dinner at City Hall in Pasadena. Juan says his biggest fear is “not being an example for his daughter.” Oh, you’re an example for your daughter. A terrible one. Chelsea’s biggest fear is “not being happy.” Or jumping off bridges. Whatever.

He gives her the rose. She assepts.

Wait. NO. Is this a surprise private concert from some no-name pop musician? Incredible. This is so special. Just the specialist. I mean, except for that time they did this JUST LAST WEEK. 


Juan’s Surprise
Juan sneaks in to the girls' house the morning of the cocktail party and prepares breakfast for the ladies while they are sleeping. A Venezuelan breakfast.

Kelly comes down to walk her dog and is embarrassed because she isn’t ready and completely blows him off. Because that’s what someone who is ready to be a mom does.

After the girls finish freaking out about not being done up (with the exception of Renee), they sit down to eat the breakfast Juan prepared. Unfortunately, we never hear anyone say, “Does this have carbs?” 

Juan then cancels the cocktail party and decides to have a pool party instead. 

Kat monopolizes Juan’s time. The rest of the girls are pissed. You know, because they wanted to monopolize Juan’s time.

Sharleen gets all weird with Juan and cries. Then they kiss. She’s that girl this season.

Claire goes to the bathroom to cry. Renee (SURPRISE) goes to console her. Can we just make Renee the host of the show? Claire tells Renee, “I feel like I just faded into the background.” Yeah, because you ran off to the fucking bathroom. Eventually, she talks to Juan. Miraculously, she feels better after.


The Rose Ceremony
Cassandra, Nikki, Chelsea have roses. Which means they are safe, in case you are new to the show.

The roses go to: Andi, Renee, Kelly, Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alli, Claire, Lauren, Danielle

Lucy and Christy go home.

Christy — Welcome to your first appearance of the season. Goodbye.
Lucy — “I hope everyone here finds exactly what they are looking for.” It’s not quite, “I hope everyone here gets exactly what they deserve,” but it’ll do. She cries but manages to keep her shirt on.


New Feature
I’ve recently received some questions from readers about the show. I will answer them and post them the day after my reviews are published (Wednesdays, mostly). If you have a question, leave it in the comments, message me on Facebook or @ reply me or DM me on Twitter (@jdford). Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The Bachelor Episode #3 (Juan) -- A Review

Wait. There’s a dog in the house? Who’s dog is that? Did a stray dog just wander into the pool? If one of these girls brought her dog, she should be sent home immediately.

First Date — Claire
They’re just jumping right in. We don’t even see Claire receive the date card but she’s getting choked up talking about it. Crazy alert. 

Juan Pablo puts a blindfold on Claire and stuffs her into a sports car. Are we dealing with a serial murderer here? Is he just going to kill them one by one until he’s left with his wife-to-be? Now THAT’S a show I would watch. Wait, is that the plot to Dexter?

Juan takes Claire to a manufactured snow park in the middle of LA. They go sledding and they ice skate. Claire is so comically bad that it’s clear she’s trying to be bad. She says a bunch of things no one believes because Claire is one of those people who only knows how to act sincere, not actually be sincere. This is one of those instances where you are painfully aware that this isn’t real.

After the snow date, they jump into the hot tub because what would a date on The Bachelor be without a hot tub? In the hot tub she tells Juan about what a wonderful guy her father was and how she wants to date, well, her father. No red flags there. Also, her father is dead. Good luck filling that hole, Juan. She says, “I was Daddy’s little girl.” Gross. I hope my daughter never says those words.

Cut to Juan saying, “I like that she’s here.” HIGH PRAISE. When he gives her the rose, he says, “I’m having a very, very much good time with you. It was pretty, pretty much incredible.” Then he asks her to “assept” the rose. She does.

They are then serenaded by some dude with an acoustic guitar. Fake snow begins to fall and I can’t think of a more apt metaphor for this date.

Claire is the worst.


Meanwhile, back at the house, Lucy is hanging around the hot tub topless. That seems to be her thing.


Second Date — Kat
The date card reads, “I can feel the electricity.” Really? The date cards aren’t even trying anymore. 

They hop on a private jet headed for Salt Lake City. During the flight, Juan puts on a track suit that lights up. Then he gets out a neon, light-up outfit for her. They land in Salt Lake City to participate in the Electric Run. It is some kind of themed race with dance music blasting and people wearing glowing clothes while carrying gigantic glow sticks.

“They’ve got to be rolling, right,” asks Dee. Something. They have to be doing something to tolerate this nightmare.

They go up on a stage and Juan offers her the rose. She assepts. 


Third Date — Chelsea, Kristi, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Allie, Chantal, Nikki, Elyse, Victoria, Lucy
The card reads, “Say cheese.” Seriously, why do they even bother with date cards anymore?

The girls pile into limos but not before Lucy takes another opportunity to flash the camera FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. Look, I’m 38 years old. I need boobs with a purpose. No nonsense boobs. Boobs for the sake of boobs doesn’t do it for me anymore. I need to know WHY I’m seeing your boobs. Anyway, Lucy seems like she’d be a great mom for Juan’s daughter.

It’s a photo shoot. The catch is that they are doing the shoot with dogs. Each girls picks a dog to shoot with. 

Lucy gets a fire hydrant costume. Kelly gets a bald cap and is painted like a spotted dog. A brown spotted dog. It is uncomfortably close to black face. Cassandra and Renee get to wear fancy dresses and basically make out with Juan. Elise is given two signs as her “outfit.” She’s a first grade teacher. Andi is given one sign as her “outfit.” Andi freaks out. Maybe because she’s an Assistant District Attorney. 

Elise works out a deal with Lucy to switch outfits. Lucy walks her dog down the street naked. Elise then bitches about wearing the fire hydrant costume.

Andi is about to bail out of her nude shoot when Juan comes up and tells her that he’s going to be naked, too. She suddenly has no problem with it and triumphant music plays over the montage of their “nude” photo shoot. Guys, she totally overcame her fears. I mean, that’s totally a rose-worthy moment. We’re watching heroes, here.

In the evening it’s your standard rooftop party. 

Cassandra reveals to Juan that she has a 2-year old son.

Juan and Renee go up on the roof and talk about how they almost kissed earlier. Then she almost kisses him on the roof but doesn’t. She’s a great almost kisser.

Victoria is wasted. In her testimonial she says, “Today, I gave him the hymen maneuver. I saved his life.” She doesn’t correct herself later when she says it again. So yeah. Juan got a life-saving hymen maneuver.

Victoria decides to look for Juan. When she finds him with Nikki, she runs off and locks herself in the bathroom. Renee tries to comfort her before Victoria tries to make a daring escape. The producers won’t let her leave because she’s wasted and not wearing any shoes. Juan tries to talk to her in the bathroom but she refuses. Instead, he finds the girls and tells them to make sure Victoria gets home safely.

He gives the rose to Kelly for putting up with the horrible dog costume. She assepts.


Victoria Aftermath
The next morning, Juan goes to talk to Victoria at a hotel. She apologizes, kinda. Mostly she seems excited that she’s alone in a hotel room with him. If you find yourself saying, “I guess” and “maybe I could have” in your apology, you’re not really apologizing. He tells her that he has to think about his daughter and he sends her home.


The Cocktail Party
Juan starts the party by telling the girls that he sent Victoria home. He immediately takes time with Amy (who didn’t get a date). She says she’s a local TV reporter and she wants to practice her skills. She does a fake interview with him. It’s probably not the best idea to remind Juan that you already have a TV career that would benefit from you being on this show. Just a hunch.

Sharleen apparently received the first impression rose. She apologizes to Juan for the way she assepted the first impression rose. I think we’re learning that Juan isn’t the best at gauging first impressions.

Cassandra starts to freak out about missing her son. Renee goes to talk with her because Renee is the den mother this season. Juan talks Cassandra into staying by basically saying that he’s going to keep dating all the girls. She could have just asked him for some one-on-one time.


The Rose Ceremony
Kat, Kelly and Claire (if that is her real name) have roses. The roses are given out in the following order: Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Alli, Chelsie, Lauren, Christy.

Amy and Chantel do not receive roses.

Amy doesn’t even seem that upset. She’s probably just happy she got some national TV exposure.

Chantel actually seems hurt. But we don’t care enough about either of them yet to bother giving a shit.  

I’m off to practice the hymen maneuver. 

Monday, January 06, 2014

The Bachelor Not-Really-But-Kinda-Premiere (Juan) -- A Review

Yes, I will be reviewing The Bachelor again this season. However, tomorrow night’s episode conflicts with the BCS National Championship game. I will be watching that instead. Unfortunately, that is the episode where they introduce all the girls. You’ll have to make your own jokes. I’ll jump back in next week.

On to the review of this non-episode episode:

In case you haven’t heard, Juan Pablo is this season’s bachelor. They’re calling this month “Juanuary” and I already want to murder everyone that has anything to do with this show.

Wait. I jumped the gun. This episode isn’t even a real episode. It’s like they realized there wasn’t a late-night football game to compete against and put together a clip show of all the audition tapes. Which is exactly what they did. NOW I want to murder everyone associated with this show. This is not a new feeling for me.

Chris Harrison shows up at the girl’s houses to tell them they are on the show.

Chris shows up at a clothing store to give Lucinda the news. She is appropriately excited for the cameras. Her graphic lists her as “Lucy, Free Spirit.” Translated: “Lucy, she lives in the changing rooms at this store."

It’s amazing how all of these ladies are dressed for TV when Chris shows up at their house to “surprise” them. If they’re not wearing their best outfit, they’re wearing way more makeup than is strictly necessary — or maybe that’s just how ladies in Oklahoma roll. I’m looking at you Lady-From-Oklahoma-Who’s-Name-I-Forget.

Of course, all of the girls are learning Spanish because they think that will give them the edge on all of the other girls who are also learning Spanish. I can’t wait to hear these girls mangle the Spanish language until it is as unrecognizable as their understanding of love and relationships.

Chris Harrison asks us, “Who is this Juan Pablo guy anyway? And why is America so excited to meet him.” Look, America isn’t excited to meet him. 18-30 year old women who watch terrible television are excited to meet him. 

While all the girls have been learning Spanish, Juan has been working on his English. I want to see an entire date where Juan only speaks English and the girl only speaks crappy Spanish. I will not get my wish.

We get to see Juan and his daughter’s daddy-daughter time. He spends much of his time talking about how great it is to be a dad and how wonderful it is to love and have his daughter. I agree with the words he’s saying but I have a hard time hearing them when I know they are said simply to make us (or whoever watching this show) like him.

Then we meet Juan Pablo’s family. He says, “My family is crazy. We are a bunch of people.” WHOA. NO WAY. MY family is a bunch of people, too! I didn’t know I had so much in common with Juan Pablo.

While the whole point of this family time is to show that Juan Pablo is a family man, his family spends the entire time talking about all of the girls he’s dated. One cousin asks, “Out of all of the cousins, who do you imagine making out with 25 girls?” The overwhelming response is, “Juan Pablo."

Then we get a tribute to Gia — a former Bachelor and Bachelor Pad contestant who committed suicide earlier this year. No funny jokes here. Just cold, hard reality. We’re all gonna die.

The season previews that follow the Gia tribute really makes one think, “Man, this show is in no way doing anything to improve society."

See you in a couple weeks. Here’s hoping Helicopter makes an appearance.