Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The Bachelor Episode #3 (Juan) -- A Review

Wait. There’s a dog in the house? Who’s dog is that? Did a stray dog just wander into the pool? If one of these girls brought her dog, she should be sent home immediately.

First Date — Claire
They’re just jumping right in. We don’t even see Claire receive the date card but she’s getting choked up talking about it. Crazy alert. 

Juan Pablo puts a blindfold on Claire and stuffs her into a sports car. Are we dealing with a serial murderer here? Is he just going to kill them one by one until he’s left with his wife-to-be? Now THAT’S a show I would watch. Wait, is that the plot to Dexter?

Juan takes Claire to a manufactured snow park in the middle of LA. They go sledding and they ice skate. Claire is so comically bad that it’s clear she’s trying to be bad. She says a bunch of things no one believes because Claire is one of those people who only knows how to act sincere, not actually be sincere. This is one of those instances where you are painfully aware that this isn’t real.

After the snow date, they jump into the hot tub because what would a date on The Bachelor be without a hot tub? In the hot tub she tells Juan about what a wonderful guy her father was and how she wants to date, well, her father. No red flags there. Also, her father is dead. Good luck filling that hole, Juan. She says, “I was Daddy’s little girl.” Gross. I hope my daughter never says those words.

Cut to Juan saying, “I like that she’s here.” HIGH PRAISE. When he gives her the rose, he says, “I’m having a very, very much good time with you. It was pretty, pretty much incredible.” Then he asks her to “assept” the rose. She does.

They are then serenaded by some dude with an acoustic guitar. Fake snow begins to fall and I can’t think of a more apt metaphor for this date.

Claire is the worst.


Meanwhile, back at the house, Lucy is hanging around the hot tub topless. That seems to be her thing.


Second Date — Kat
The date card reads, “I can feel the electricity.” Really? The date cards aren’t even trying anymore. 

They hop on a private jet headed for Salt Lake City. During the flight, Juan puts on a track suit that lights up. Then he gets out a neon, light-up outfit for her. They land in Salt Lake City to participate in the Electric Run. It is some kind of themed race with dance music blasting and people wearing glowing clothes while carrying gigantic glow sticks.

“They’ve got to be rolling, right,” asks Dee. Something. They have to be doing something to tolerate this nightmare.

They go up on a stage and Juan offers her the rose. She assepts. 


Third Date — Chelsea, Kristi, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Allie, Chantal, Nikki, Elyse, Victoria, Lucy
The card reads, “Say cheese.” Seriously, why do they even bother with date cards anymore?

The girls pile into limos but not before Lucy takes another opportunity to flash the camera FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. Look, I’m 38 years old. I need boobs with a purpose. No nonsense boobs. Boobs for the sake of boobs doesn’t do it for me anymore. I need to know WHY I’m seeing your boobs. Anyway, Lucy seems like she’d be a great mom for Juan’s daughter.

It’s a photo shoot. The catch is that they are doing the shoot with dogs. Each girls picks a dog to shoot with. 

Lucy gets a fire hydrant costume. Kelly gets a bald cap and is painted like a spotted dog. A brown spotted dog. It is uncomfortably close to black face. Cassandra and Renee get to wear fancy dresses and basically make out with Juan. Elise is given two signs as her “outfit.” She’s a first grade teacher. Andi is given one sign as her “outfit.” Andi freaks out. Maybe because she’s an Assistant District Attorney. 

Elise works out a deal with Lucy to switch outfits. Lucy walks her dog down the street naked. Elise then bitches about wearing the fire hydrant costume.

Andi is about to bail out of her nude shoot when Juan comes up and tells her that he’s going to be naked, too. She suddenly has no problem with it and triumphant music plays over the montage of their “nude” photo shoot. Guys, she totally overcame her fears. I mean, that’s totally a rose-worthy moment. We’re watching heroes, here.

In the evening it’s your standard rooftop party. 

Cassandra reveals to Juan that she has a 2-year old son.

Juan and Renee go up on the roof and talk about how they almost kissed earlier. Then she almost kisses him on the roof but doesn’t. She’s a great almost kisser.

Victoria is wasted. In her testimonial she says, “Today, I gave him the hymen maneuver. I saved his life.” She doesn’t correct herself later when she says it again. So yeah. Juan got a life-saving hymen maneuver.

Victoria decides to look for Juan. When she finds him with Nikki, she runs off and locks herself in the bathroom. Renee tries to comfort her before Victoria tries to make a daring escape. The producers won’t let her leave because she’s wasted and not wearing any shoes. Juan tries to talk to her in the bathroom but she refuses. Instead, he finds the girls and tells them to make sure Victoria gets home safely.

He gives the rose to Kelly for putting up with the horrible dog costume. She assepts.


Victoria Aftermath
The next morning, Juan goes to talk to Victoria at a hotel. She apologizes, kinda. Mostly she seems excited that she’s alone in a hotel room with him. If you find yourself saying, “I guess” and “maybe I could have” in your apology, you’re not really apologizing. He tells her that he has to think about his daughter and he sends her home.


The Cocktail Party
Juan starts the party by telling the girls that he sent Victoria home. He immediately takes time with Amy (who didn’t get a date). She says she’s a local TV reporter and she wants to practice her skills. She does a fake interview with him. It’s probably not the best idea to remind Juan that you already have a TV career that would benefit from you being on this show. Just a hunch.

Sharleen apparently received the first impression rose. She apologizes to Juan for the way she assepted the first impression rose. I think we’re learning that Juan isn’t the best at gauging first impressions.

Cassandra starts to freak out about missing her son. Renee goes to talk with her because Renee is the den mother this season. Juan talks Cassandra into staying by basically saying that he’s going to keep dating all the girls. She could have just asked him for some one-on-one time.


The Rose Ceremony
Kat, Kelly and Claire (if that is her real name) have roses. The roses are given out in the following order: Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Alli, Chelsie, Lauren, Christy.

Amy and Chantel do not receive roses.

Amy doesn’t even seem that upset. She’s probably just happy she got some national TV exposure.

Chantel actually seems hurt. But we don’t care enough about either of them yet to bother giving a shit.  

I’m off to practice the hymen maneuver. 

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