Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Bachelor Episode #4 (Juan) -- A Review

This week, our Bachelor was embroiled in a bit of a scandal. When he was asked if there should be a gay Bachelor, he responded, “No… I respect [gay people] but, honestly, I don’t think it’s a good example for the kids…” He then went on to say, “It seems to me, and I don’t know if I’m mistaken or not… but they’re more ‘pervert’ in a sense. And to me the show would be too strong… too hard to watch.”

Now, if I were also into negatively stereotyping people, I would write something like, “Is it really a surprise that a Latino man is homophobic?” But I won’t do that. Instead, I’ll ask exactly how the current show is a good example for the kids. He says that he doesn’t let his daughter watch — and he shouldn’t if I wants her to grow up with a positive image of women — and yet having gay contestants on the show is somehow setting a bad example for the kids. Guess what, Juan. You’re homophobia is setting a bad example for the kids.

The show opens with a jealousy montage. Ladies be gettin’ catty. The word “whore” is said. NOW WE’RE TALKIN’.

Chris Harrison appears to remind us he’s still part of the show and that he has bad taste in shirts. He explains there will be a group date and two individual dates.

First Date — Cassandra
The date card reads, “Love is a wild ride.” That can only mean they’re going to be riding giraffes.

Before the date we see Juan with his daughter. They’re speaking a lot of uncaptioned Spanish. I can only assume he’s teaching her to hate gay people.

They hop in a convertible Jeep and drive to a body of water. Seriously, Juan drives the car directly into the water. It’s some sort of boat-car (car-boat?). Cassandra mentions that her last first date was 3 years ago — when she was 18.

They drive the car-boat (boat-car?) to a yacht so we can get the obligatory jumping off a yacht shot that we all know means true love.

In the evening, they go back to Juan’s place for dinner. Cassandra says, “The last time a guy cooked for me was never.” You know, because she’s 21. They dance in the kitchen. Juan has two moves. The first is “teaching” a girl how to dance, the other is getting close, tilting his chin up and putting on his listening face. That’s it. Unless you count a tenuous grasp of the English language as a move.

They show each other pictures of their kids and that’s about as interesting as this date gets. These two are perfect for each other because neither has anything to say.

He offers her the rose. She assepts. They make out. She kisses like she's eating a large sandwich. That’s probably not a great simile because I’m pretty sure she’s never eaten a large sandwich — or anything larger than her thumbnail.

This date has rocketed to #1 on my Most Boring Date list.


Back at the House
All the girls are sporting band-aids on their arms. Realistic guess, flu shot. Funny guess, hepatitis vaccination.


Group Date — Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Ally, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy, Nikki
The date card reads, “Let’s kick it.” Again, you’re not even trying, Date Card. How about something like, “The goal is to win my heart,” or maybe have Chris Harrison walk in and immediately fall down and writhe on the floor clutching his knee when one of the girls approaches him. Anyway, they’ll be playing soccer.

You know how this goes. The girls are split into a red team and a blue team. Typically, the winner gets extra time with Juan and the losers go home but there is no mention of this today. You know, because Juan needs to set a good example for “the kids” by making out with as many girls as possible.

Does anyone care who wins? Not when there won’t be crying after.

In the evening, they get dressed up and return to the stadium for a cocktail party.

Nikki and Juan discuss their fears. Juan’s is hurting people, Nikki’s is getting hurt. I think they picked the wrong show.

Juan takes Andi to the stadium kitchen to make out. Professional sports stadium kitchens, the epitome of romance. 

Sharleen and Juan sit on a blanket at midfield in plain view of the other women. They make out awkwardly. Sharleen kisses like a CPR doll — her mouth hangs open and she just sits there unmoving.

He gives the rose to Nikki. Andi and Sharleen are stunned. Of course, they assume that the make out sessions now mean nothing. Which is probably true.


Third Date — Chelsea
The date card reads, “Do you trust me?” Not where a sense of humanity is concerned, Juan.

They dance to music in the car, then they go to a Venezuelan restaurant and she tries and LOVES everything. You know, because she’s the kind of person who knows how to say exactly what he wants to hear and he’s too dumb to recognize it.

They go tandem bungee jumping on a bridge. Chelsea freaks out, but we know they are going to jump because we’ve seen it in the previews EVERY SINGLE WEEK. Stop trying to build suspense. UGH. They go out and back off three times before they actually jump. They make out while hanging upside down.

She says, “I think that if we can survive jumping off a bridge together, we can survive anything.” Try moving to the ‘burbs then get back to me.

They have dinner at City Hall in Pasadena. Juan says his biggest fear is “not being an example for his daughter.” Oh, you’re an example for your daughter. A terrible one. Chelsea’s biggest fear is “not being happy.” Or jumping off bridges. Whatever.

He gives her the rose. She assepts.

Wait. NO. Is this a surprise private concert from some no-name pop musician? Incredible. This is so special. Just the specialist. I mean, except for that time they did this JUST LAST WEEK. 


Juan’s Surprise
Juan sneaks in to the girls' house the morning of the cocktail party and prepares breakfast for the ladies while they are sleeping. A Venezuelan breakfast.

Kelly comes down to walk her dog and is embarrassed because she isn’t ready and completely blows him off. Because that’s what someone who is ready to be a mom does.

After the girls finish freaking out about not being done up (with the exception of Renee), they sit down to eat the breakfast Juan prepared. Unfortunately, we never hear anyone say, “Does this have carbs?” 

Juan then cancels the cocktail party and decides to have a pool party instead. 

Kat monopolizes Juan’s time. The rest of the girls are pissed. You know, because they wanted to monopolize Juan’s time.

Sharleen gets all weird with Juan and cries. Then they kiss. She’s that girl this season.

Claire goes to the bathroom to cry. Renee (SURPRISE) goes to console her. Can we just make Renee the host of the show? Claire tells Renee, “I feel like I just faded into the background.” Yeah, because you ran off to the fucking bathroom. Eventually, she talks to Juan. Miraculously, she feels better after.


The Rose Ceremony
Cassandra, Nikki, Chelsea have roses. Which means they are safe, in case you are new to the show.

The roses go to: Andi, Renee, Kelly, Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alli, Claire, Lauren, Danielle

Lucy and Christy go home.

Christy — Welcome to your first appearance of the season. Goodbye.
Lucy — “I hope everyone here finds exactly what they are looking for.” It’s not quite, “I hope everyone here gets exactly what they deserve,” but it’ll do. She cries but manages to keep her shirt on.


New Feature
I’ve recently received some questions from readers about the show. I will answer them and post them the day after my reviews are published (Wednesdays, mostly). If you have a question, leave it in the comments, message me on Facebook or @ reply me or DM me on Twitter (@jdford). Thanks for reading.

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