Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Bachelor Episode #5 (Juan) -- A Review

The gang is off to South Korea. The promo says it’s “South Korea, Juan-nam style.” Yeah, this show is the worst.

Open with Juan and his daughter. Again. We get it. He has a daughter. We’re either convinced he’s a good father by now or we’re not. A few more shots of them together are not going to make a difference.

Chris Harrison appears to say, “Just 13 of you left.” Yes, JUST 13. Such and intimate group. There will be two group dates and one individual date. Chris tells them they will receive the date cards in South Korea. 

Clare says, “Korea? I don’t even have a kimono.” This is what happens when you let the contestants write their own dialogue. By the way, Dee is pissed about Clare being an obvious plant by the producers to create drama. Dee says, “If I can tell she’s an actor, someone should get fired.” I’ll be talking to Dee about her self-esteem later.

When they arrive in Seoul and walk the streets, one girl shouts, “THERE ARE SO MANY GOOD SHOE STORES!” South Korea: come for the rich, ancient history. Stay for the shoe stores.

First Date — Chelsea, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, Nikki
The date card reads, “POP.” 

Nikki is pissed she’s on another group date and the producers make sure we hear about it non-stop.

Juan is taking the girls to dance with the top K-pop group in South Korea, 2NE1 (pronounced "twen-nee one"). Kat immediately lets us know in the most annoying way possible that she has been dancing since she was four. Nikki can’t dance so she’s even more pissed. Then she gets extra pissed when she finds out their dancing at a 2NE1 concert. Why have none of the girls ever figured out that when they are the worst at whatever it is they are doing, they have the best opportunity to make a good impression? 

They perform in a mall packed full of thousands of fans. Kat tries way too hard. If she tried any harder there would be an international incident. Nikki tries to hide. Chelsea says, “Just to be able to say the sentence, ‘I danced on stage with Koreans most popular K-pop group’ is amazing.” You figure out what that’s supposed to mean.

In the evening they are having a dinner/cocktail party at the South Korean Furniture Museum. Yep, that’s a real thing.

Kat wants to let Juan know that she’s more than just fun and games. While Kat is with Juan, Nikki wastes no time talking trash about Kat to the other girls. Meanwhile, Kat talks about her alcoholic father and her parents' separation. Juan looks drunk and bored.

As Juan pulls Cassandra away, she says, “Get me out of this circle,” because none of the girls want to hear Nikki bitch any more.

Elise decides to talk to Juan about the other girls. Warm up the bus, this teacher is going back to school. 

Nikki tells Juan how hard things are for her. She says she wants to open her up but she just complains about about people with bigger personalities. You know, because she’s miserable.

Juan gives Nikki the rose, she assepts. Elise says, “Ugh. Yuck.” Famous last words.

Second Date — Sharleen
The date card reads, “Are you my Seoul mate?” You know they couldn’t pass up that obvious, high-quality pun.

Sharleen is not super excited. She’s worried that she could still go home because she’s at the point where she’s not sure how she feels about Juan. Clare sees this as “being there for the wrong reasons.” You know, because falling in love after one date is perfectly reasonable.

They explore Seoul. Sharleen says, “I feel like we’re on vacation together and we’re walking through a market.” Yeah, because you are.

Sharleen calls Juan “not bland.” HIGH PRAISE. Before dinner, Juan puts her on the spot and asks her to sing. She doesn’t want to. She says, “I would never sing for a guy this early in a relationship. I don’t want the early stages of my relationship to be about me being an opera singer.” Of course. It would be terrible if someone admired and respected your talent. She sings anyway. As they make out awkwardly Dee says, “They’re making noises.” Dee prefers silent make outs.

Juan asks her, “How many kids do you want?” She avoids the question. He says he wants two more. Maybe three. She says, “Kids for me is something I’ve never even thought about. I’ve been so career focused up to now.” She says she wasn’t ready when she dated a guy with a daughter because she wasn’t ready to be the second to the daughter. We never hear her say she wants kids.

Juan appreciates the honesty and offers her the rose, she assepts.

Final Date — Alli, Andi, Clare, Kelly, Lauren, Renee
The date card reads, “Let’s get krazy in Korea.”

They explore Seoul. He takes them to a karaoke bar, then a photo booth, then paddle boats, then to a place called Dr. Fish Zone. They put their feet in a tank and tiny little fish eat the dead skin off their feet. Clare tries to dominate Juan’s time. When she tells him she doesn’t want to eat octopus, Juan goes immediately to get octopus. They have to pressure her into eating it. This is how he can expect her to react to trying Venezuelan food. Sounds like a wonderful marriage to me.

At the cocktail party, all of the girls want to kiss Juan. Juan has decided that he’s not going to kiss anyone tonight because of his daughter (who he doesn’t let watch the show, by the way). Dee is spared from kissing noises.

Renee and Andi still manage to have a good time with Juan without kissing because they’re adults. Lauren freaks out because Juan won’t kiss her. Just wait until she finds out that he kissed Clare despite his silly rule. He claims that Clare is “too sexy” to resist. Sure, in a clinical way.

Juan offers the rose to Andi, she assepts. 

Cocktail Party
Juan immediately feels the tension between the girls. 

The girls agree that the ones with the roses should take a backseat to the other girls tonight. Nikki immediately breaks that rule by interrupting Juan and Clare’s one-on-one time. When Juan hints that things are weird with the girls, Nikki assumes that Clare said something to him. Because there’s no possible way he’s perceptive enough to notice the obvious tension.

Nikki and Clare don’t like each other but you already knew that. You’d think they’d be able to bond over the dumb spelling of both of their names. 

The Rose Ceremony
Nikki, Sharleen, Andi have roses.

The roses go to: Renee, Chelsea, Kelly, Danielle, Cassandra, Alli, Claire, Kat

Elise and Lauren go home. Elise says, “I’m super disappointed. It sucks. My mom didn’t want me to be around such negative, ugly people — not outside, but in.” Well, your mom got her wish. Lauren just cries about crying when Juan wouldn’t kiss her. Then she cries about crying right then. It’s a downward cry spiral.

Juan tells the remaining girls they are going to Vietnam. Saigon… shit.

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