Monday, January 06, 2014

The Bachelor Not-Really-But-Kinda-Premiere (Juan) -- A Review

Yes, I will be reviewing The Bachelor again this season. However, tomorrow night’s episode conflicts with the BCS National Championship game. I will be watching that instead. Unfortunately, that is the episode where they introduce all the girls. You’ll have to make your own jokes. I’ll jump back in next week.

On to the review of this non-episode episode:

In case you haven’t heard, Juan Pablo is this season’s bachelor. They’re calling this month “Juanuary” and I already want to murder everyone that has anything to do with this show.

Wait. I jumped the gun. This episode isn’t even a real episode. It’s like they realized there wasn’t a late-night football game to compete against and put together a clip show of all the audition tapes. Which is exactly what they did. NOW I want to murder everyone associated with this show. This is not a new feeling for me.

Chris Harrison shows up at the girl’s houses to tell them they are on the show.

Chris shows up at a clothing store to give Lucinda the news. She is appropriately excited for the cameras. Her graphic lists her as “Lucy, Free Spirit.” Translated: “Lucy, she lives in the changing rooms at this store."

It’s amazing how all of these ladies are dressed for TV when Chris shows up at their house to “surprise” them. If they’re not wearing their best outfit, they’re wearing way more makeup than is strictly necessary — or maybe that’s just how ladies in Oklahoma roll. I’m looking at you Lady-From-Oklahoma-Who’s-Name-I-Forget.

Of course, all of the girls are learning Spanish because they think that will give them the edge on all of the other girls who are also learning Spanish. I can’t wait to hear these girls mangle the Spanish language until it is as unrecognizable as their understanding of love and relationships.

Chris Harrison asks us, “Who is this Juan Pablo guy anyway? And why is America so excited to meet him.” Look, America isn’t excited to meet him. 18-30 year old women who watch terrible television are excited to meet him. 

While all the girls have been learning Spanish, Juan has been working on his English. I want to see an entire date where Juan only speaks English and the girl only speaks crappy Spanish. I will not get my wish.

We get to see Juan and his daughter’s daddy-daughter time. He spends much of his time talking about how great it is to be a dad and how wonderful it is to love and have his daughter. I agree with the words he’s saying but I have a hard time hearing them when I know they are said simply to make us (or whoever watching this show) like him.

Then we meet Juan Pablo’s family. He says, “My family is crazy. We are a bunch of people.” WHOA. NO WAY. MY family is a bunch of people, too! I didn’t know I had so much in common with Juan Pablo.

While the whole point of this family time is to show that Juan Pablo is a family man, his family spends the entire time talking about all of the girls he’s dated. One cousin asks, “Out of all of the cousins, who do you imagine making out with 25 girls?” The overwhelming response is, “Juan Pablo."

Then we get a tribute to Gia — a former Bachelor and Bachelor Pad contestant who committed suicide earlier this year. No funny jokes here. Just cold, hard reality. We’re all gonna die.

The season previews that follow the Gia tribute really makes one think, “Man, this show is in no way doing anything to improve society."

See you in a couple weeks. Here’s hoping Helicopter makes an appearance.

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