Let’s do this, people.
First Date — Clare
Clare and Juan Pablo get on a yacht. BUT WILL THEY JUMP OFF TOGETHER?
Clare claims she’s unsure whether she will accept the invite to the overnight. She says her experience in Vietnam makes her hesitant to spend the night because Juan Pablo wants to set an example for his daughter. Good excuse, lady, but we know you’re staying in the Fantasy Suite.
They jump off the yacht together. Surprise!
In the evening, they are in some sort of tropical treehouse. He impatiently puts up with Clare asking about Camilla and then presents her with the Fantasy Suite key. Juan Pablo says, “What do you want to do? How do you feel about it?” She brings up Vietnam and says, “I really respect how you take her (Camilla) into consideration.” He responds, “This is here. This is now. This is the overnight.” It feels less like an explanation than a demand. She agrees to the Fantasy Suite.
In the Fantasy Suite Clare says, “I’m loving falling in love with you,” which is like saying, “I’m thinking of thinking about it." They get in the hot tub. Sexy times are implied.
Second Date — Andi
Juan Pablo and Andi walk around Saint Lucia. They play steel drums. They get some food and ambush some little boys sitting at a picnic table. It’s clear these kids were put up to it and they’re not thrilled about it. Juan Pablo finds out the boys play soccer and a pick up game breaks out on the beach.
They drive off in a dune buggy into a jungle to have a little picnic at a secluded waterfall. It adds nothing. Our time, wasted.
In the evening they find their own tropical treehouse. Juan Pablo gives her a long speech about how he listens very closely to every word she says. Foreshadowing, people.
He offers her the Fantasy Suite key. She says, “I’ve had a great day and a great night and if this is something that is serious for you then I would like to do this.” They toast and immediately begin making out.
In the morning, Juan Pablo says the night was wonderful and they talked and laughed, “For hours. HOURS.”
Andi says, “Waking up this morning, I could not wait to get out of the Fantasy Suite. I saw a side to him I didn’t really like. I really hope he did not think that went well. I hope he doesn’t think that was a good date.” She says he told her about his overnight with Clare — which she did not ask about. She ends with, “It’s extremely important for me to be with a guy who loves me more than he loves himself.” This is not an issue for Clare.
Third Date — Nikki
In the preview to the date, Juan Pablo says, “Tonight is my overnight with Nikki.” Not, “my day with Nikki,” but “my overnight with Nikki.” He says he saved Nikki for last though, "I had no complaints with the other two girls. I got to see Clare in a bikini all day [makes cat sound]. Every time I get to hang out with Andi, it gets better and better."
Nikki and Juan Pablo ride horses. Nikki says, “I think Juan Pablo and I have a relationship based on honesty.” As much as a relationship on a mostly scripted TV show can be. Juan Pablo knows she’s happy because he saw her smile. Yes, the rare Nikki-smile. She’s a real delight.
Nikki plans to tell Juan Pablo she loves him at dinner.
In the evening they sit down for dinner on the beach. She asks him if he is worried that she has doubts. He says no in about 400 words and immediately offers her the Fantasy Suite key.
In the Fantasy Suite they make out. When Juan Pablo asks her what she’s thinking she says, “This means a lot to me. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t feel the way I do. Aaaaand, I love you.” Probably the least romantic “I love you” I’ve ever heard. She should have just handed him a business card with the words on it.
Meeting with Chris Harrison
Chris and Juan Pablo sit down to chat. Chris says, “How are you feeling?”
Juan Pablo says, “I’m good.”
Chris asks, “What does that mean? Are we losing something in translation?” Yes, Chris. Also, he’s dumb.
Chris asks, “Are you sure about what you’re going to do?”
Juan Pablo says, “No. I don’t know. I can see myself with Andi, Nikki and Clare. I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Great. Glad we got that settled. Thanks for nothing, Chris Harrison.
The girls have recorded videos for him. Here are the recaps:
Nikki: “Our date here was the most romantic day of my life. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us.”
Clare: “I’ve absolutely just fallen in love with you.”
Andi: “After waking up in the Fantasy Suite with you a lot of thoughts were going through my mind. I don’t want to share those thoughts in a video message, I want to share them with you in person.” Insert dramatic music here.
As she’s walking to meet Juan Pablo, we hear her say, “I want to pack up and call it a day and try to move on.”
This is the part of the show where Andi breaks up with a Juan Pablo because he won’t listen to her and for some reason expects him to listen to her about it. JUST WALK AWAY, LADY.
Andi explains to Juan Pablo that he’s never bothered to find out anything about her. He says, “It’s okay.” She loses her shit. She says, “Don’t ever say ‘okay’ again. It’s bad. It’s annoying.” Then they argue about whether Juan Pablo said “default” for about five minutes. Juan Pablo hides behind, “I’m just being honest.” Andi replies, “There’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole."
Why does Juan Pablo only cry when HE breaks up with girls but not when they break up with him? Oh, narcissism, right.
After she leaves, Juan Pablo tells the cameras, “If she would have come up to me and said that it wasn’t going to work, I would have been crushed. The arguments? Just disappoint me right away. She’s a lawyer. I’m not going to argue with a lawyer. Honestly, putting words in my mouth just killed it.” Yes. It’s completely her fault you didn’t bother to give a shit about her.
Juan Pablo says, “I was shocked that she wanted to go home. If that’s how you feel, it’s okay.” Cut to Andi in the car saying, “Right now I think Juan Pablo is saying ‘It’s okay.” What time is it? ZING O’CLOCK.
The Rose Ceremony
Chris Harrison tells Clare and Nikki that Andi has gone home. He brings Juan Pablo out to explain. Juan Pablo says, “I just talked to Andi. She decided that she wasn’t feeling right. That she didn’t have strong feelings for me and she wanted to go home. Obviously, it hurt. It did. There’s nothing I can do about it. I cannot force anyone to like me or marry me.” No, you can’t force someone to like you, Juan Pablo, but you can make an effort to show you like them.
Clare thinks that she and Nikki are completely different people and that Juan Pablo’s choice will reveal a lot about him. This is funnier than anything I could ever come up with.
Next week is the Women Tell All episode. There will be hugs and laughter and general merriment at the reunion, I’m sure. Only tears of joy. Joyful, joyful tears.