Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Bachelor Episode #10 (Juan) -- A Review

Juan Pablo and the ladies are in Saint Lucia and the drama is turned up to eleven. Juan Pablo gets his overnight dates with the girls.

Let’s do this, people.

First Date — Clare
Clare and Juan Pablo get on a yacht. BUT WILL THEY JUMP OFF TOGETHER? 

Clare claims she’s unsure whether she will accept the invite to the overnight. She says her experience in Vietnam makes her hesitant to spend the night because Juan Pablo wants to set an example for his daughter. Good excuse, lady, but we know you’re staying in the Fantasy Suite.

They jump off the yacht together. Surprise!

In the evening, they are in some sort of tropical treehouse. He impatiently puts up with Clare asking about Camilla and then presents her with the Fantasy Suite key. Juan Pablo says, “What do you want to do? How do you feel about it?” She brings up Vietnam and says, “I really respect how you take her (Camilla) into consideration.” He responds, “This is here. This is now. This is the overnight.” It feels less like an explanation than a demand. She agrees to the Fantasy Suite.

In the Fantasy Suite Clare says, “I’m loving falling in love with you,” which is like saying, “I’m thinking of thinking about it." They get in the hot tub. Sexy times are implied.

Second Date — Andi
Juan Pablo and Andi walk around Saint Lucia. They play steel drums. They get some food and ambush some little boys sitting at a picnic table. It’s clear these kids were put up to it and they’re not thrilled about it. Juan Pablo finds out the boys play soccer and a pick up game breaks out on the beach. 

They drive off in a dune buggy into a jungle to have a little picnic at a secluded waterfall. It adds nothing. Our time, wasted.

In the evening they find their own tropical treehouse. Juan Pablo gives her a long speech about how he listens very closely to every word she says. Foreshadowing, people.

He offers her the Fantasy Suite key. She says, “I’ve had a great day and a great night and if this is something that is serious for you then I would like to do this.” They toast and immediately begin making out.

In the morning, Juan Pablo says the night was wonderful and they talked and laughed, “For hours. HOURS.”

Andi says, “Waking up this morning, I could not wait to get out of the Fantasy Suite. I saw a side to him I didn’t really like. I really hope he did not think that went well. I hope he doesn’t think that was a good date.” She says he told her about his overnight with Clare — which she did not ask about. She ends with, “It’s extremely important for me to be with a guy who loves me more than he loves himself.” This is not an issue for Clare.

Third Date — Nikki
In the preview to the date, Juan Pablo says, “Tonight is my overnight with Nikki.” Not, “my day with Nikki,” but “my overnight with Nikki.” He says he saved Nikki for last though, "I had no complaints with the other two girls. I got to see Clare in a bikini all day [makes cat sound]. Every time I get to hang out with Andi, it gets better and better."

Nikki and Juan Pablo ride horses. Nikki says, “I think Juan Pablo and I have a relationship based on honesty.” As much as a relationship on a mostly scripted TV show can be. Juan Pablo knows she’s happy because he saw her smile. Yes, the rare Nikki-smile. She’s a real delight.

Nikki plans to tell Juan Pablo she loves him at dinner.

In the evening they sit down for dinner on the beach. She asks him if he is worried that she has doubts. He says no in about 400 words and immediately offers her the Fantasy Suite key. 

In the Fantasy Suite they make out. When Juan Pablo asks her what she’s thinking she says, “This means a lot to me. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t feel the way I do. Aaaaand, I love you.” Probably the least romantic “I love you” I’ve ever heard. She should have just handed him a business card with the words on it.

Meeting with Chris Harrison
Chris and Juan Pablo sit down to chat. Chris says, “How are you feeling?” 
Juan Pablo says, “I’m good.” 
Chris asks, “What does that mean? Are we losing something in translation?” Yes, Chris. Also, he’s dumb. 
Chris asks, “Are you sure about what you’re going to do?” 
Juan Pablo says, “No. I don’t know. I can see myself with Andi, Nikki and Clare. I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Great. Glad we got that settled. Thanks for nothing, Chris Harrison.

The girls have recorded videos for him. Here are the recaps: 
Nikki: “Our date here was the most romantic day of my life. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us.” 
Clare: “I’ve absolutely just fallen in love with you.” 
Andi: “After waking up in the Fantasy Suite with you a lot of thoughts were going through my mind. I don’t want to share those thoughts in a video message, I want to share them with you in person.” Insert dramatic music here.

As she’s walking to meet Juan Pablo, we hear her say, “I want to pack up and call it a day and try to move on.”

This is the part of the show where Andi breaks up with a Juan Pablo because he won’t listen to her and for some reason expects him to listen to her about it. JUST WALK AWAY, LADY.

Andi explains to Juan Pablo that he’s never bothered to find out anything about her. He says, “It’s okay.” She loses her shit. She says, “Don’t ever say ‘okay’ again. It’s bad. It’s annoying.” Then they argue about whether Juan Pablo said “default” for about five minutes. Juan Pablo hides behind, “I’m just being honest.” Andi replies, “There’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole."

Why does Juan Pablo only cry when HE breaks up with girls but not when they break up with him? Oh, narcissism, right.

After she leaves, Juan Pablo tells the cameras, “If she would have come up to me and said that it wasn’t going to work, I would have been crushed. The arguments? Just disappoint me right away. She’s a lawyer. I’m not going to argue with a lawyer. Honestly, putting words in my mouth just killed it.” Yes. It’s completely her fault you didn’t bother to give a shit about her.

Juan Pablo says, “I was shocked that she wanted to go home. If that’s how you feel, it’s okay.” Cut to Andi in the car saying, “Right now I think Juan Pablo is saying ‘It’s okay.” What time is it? ZING O’CLOCK.

The Rose Ceremony
Chris Harrison tells Clare and Nikki that Andi has gone home. He brings Juan Pablo out to explain. Juan Pablo says, “I just talked to Andi. She decided that she wasn’t feeling right. That she didn’t have strong feelings for me and she wanted to go home. Obviously, it hurt. It did. There’s nothing I can do about it. I cannot force anyone to like me or marry me.” No, you can’t force someone to like you, Juan Pablo, but you can make an effort to show you like them.

Clare thinks that she and Nikki are completely different people and that Juan Pablo’s choice will reveal a lot about him. This is funnier than anything I could ever come up with.

Next week is the Women Tell All episode. There will be hugs and laughter and general merriment at the reunion, I’m sure. Only tears of joy. Joyful, joyful tears.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Bachelor Episode #9 (Juan) -- A Review

I missed last week’s review. I did eventually watch the show and I can’t even remember who Juan Pablo sent home. I’m sure he cried about it, though.

It’s hometown week. The ladies take Juan Pablo home to meet their families.

Kansas City, MO — Nikki
Nikki takes Juan Pablo to Oklahoma Joe’s — a BBQ joint. He doesn’t know what BBQ is. He loves it and attacks it with reckless abandon.

Nikki then takes him to ride a mechanical bull as retaliation for making her dance in South Korea. However, Juan Pablo jumps right in and enjoys it instead of pouting the whole time. Huh. Who knew trying new things could be awesome? She wants to tell him that she loves him but “It’s not the right time.” No? The bar with a mechanical bull isn’t the right time?

Juan Pablo meets Nikki’s mom, dad and two younger brothers. There may be a wife or something in there, too.

Nikki says of her mom, “My mom is my best friend.” RED FLAG. She tells her mom she’s in love with Juan Pablo. She says, "Hopefully, the next time you see me I’ll be engaged.” Mom approves because that’s what a best friend would do.

Dad tells Juan Pablo, "If your heart isn’t 100% there, don’t propose.” You know, standard dad stuff.

Nikki's dad asks her, “What makes you so compatible with him?” 
Nikki says, “He makes me feel really comfortable around him. I can’t put my finger on it.” He’s cool with that answer. TOP NOTCH PARENTING RIGHT THERE.

Juan Pablo and Nikki stand out on the front porch and make out. She doesn’t tell him she loves him because, “It didn’t feel right.” It’s not going to, lady.

Atlanta, GA — Andi
Andi is smartly dressed. Juan Pablo is wearing jeans and a crappy long sleeve t-shirt. He’s really working hard to impress these ladies.

Andi takes him to a gun range. She drills the target with a 9mm and then moves on to a larger weapon. Juan Pablo takes several shots and entirely misses the target on every shot. Andi tells him she won’t take him home until he hits a bullseye. It looks like he’ll never hit one. Eventually, he hits a bullseye. I DON’T BELIEVE YOU. EDITING TRICKS.

Juan Pablo meets Mom, Dad (whose name is Hy), a sister and her husband. As Andi and Juan Pablo tell the family about their dates, Dad gives him a hard time for not giving her a one-on-one until there were only eight girls left. Dad is not thrilled. He says, “I’m looking at two people who are infatuated with each other. He may be infatuated with other girls, too.”

During dinner Andi says, “And you guys were worried.” 
Dad says, “Oh, I’m still worried.” 
Juan Pablo asks, “You’re worried?” 
Dad says, “Oh yeah. Definitely.”
Juan Pablo acts like this is some kind of surprise. Like he’s shocked someone might not approve of this method for finding a spouse.

Mom asks Juan Pablo, “What is it you find special about her?” 
Juan Pablo says, “She’s beautiful first.” Yep, that’s pretty much as deep as it goes for Juan Pablo. Mom then tries to get him to dance with her. He gets Andi instead and they dance terribly. 

Dad asks Juan Pablo, “What in the world made you go on this show?”
Juan Pablo says, “If I go on the show, the people that come on know who I am — I’m a father, I want a family — hopefully they want the same.” Juan Pablo asks if Dad will accept him and his daughter into his family. Dad rambles a lot and then says, “My answer to you is I won’t answer you because the person who is good enough for my daughter is going to come to me and say there is no one else in the world for him.” Juan Pablo claims to like this “honest” answer.

Andi’s sister tells her that she doesn’t see the connection between the two of them. Andi looks disappointed yet undeterred.

Andi's Dad tells her that he doesn’t want her to get hurt. Look, this is terrible dad advice. Your daughter is a grown woman. You should have raised her to be able to handle herself. If she’s willing to take the chance, trust her to be able to handle it if things don’t go well. 

At the end of the night, they sit outside on a bench and talk about the gun range. You know, because that’s the most pressing issue at hand this evening.

Sarasota, FL — Renee
Juan Pablo gets to meet Renee's son, Ben. When he meets her on the beach, he says to her, “Welcome to Sarasota.” Hmm, he doesn’t know how welcome works.

She takes him to Ben’s Little League game. Ben shows up in his baseball uniform and Juan Pablo is strangely awkward and too familiar with him. You’d think he has never dealt with children before.

Is it bad that I just want to completely skip over Renee’s date? Nothing interesting is going to happen here.

Juan Pablo talks with Mom, Dad and brother while Renee puts Ben to bed. We don’t see any of the conversations.

Renee tells her mom, “I’m totally madly, crazy in love with him.” 
Mom, “Have you told him?” 
Renee, “No.”

Renee wants to say “I love you.” When Juan Pablo asks her what she’s thinking, she says, “I’m thinking about a lot of things.” None of these girls can say it. DON’T GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION.

My favorite part is that she’ll tell herself the reason she went home was because she couldn’t say it — not because Juan Pablo is a douchebag.

Sacramento, CA — Clare
Clare tells Juan Pablo that when her father was dying he told his daughters to ask him anything. She asked him who would dance with her at her wedding. He said, “Why wait?” She picked the song and they danced. Juan Pablo reacted by saying, “Whoo!” Then he and Clare go throw rocks.

Juan Pablo meets Mom, four sisters and a brother-in-law.

Clare and Madeline (the sister she trusts) sit and talk. When Madeline asks what Clare would do if Juan Pablo proposed, Clare says, “I would say yes in a heartbeat.” Can we just get these two married and let them live their miserable life together?

Clare sits down with Mom and Laura (the angry sister). Laura won’t let Mom speak for herself and tells Clare, “When it comes down to giving a blessing, I don’t think we’re there yet.” Clare is rightfully confused. Laura then walks away but still hovers nearby. This family is a big bowl of crazy.

Laura then butts in to Juan Pablo's conversation with mom. Clare tries to break it up but Juan Pablo diffuses the situation and eventually gets to talk to Mom alone. He knows how to play the ladies. I told you he and Clare are the perfect fit.

Rose Ceremony
One girl goes home tonight.

The roses go to Nikki, Clare, and Andi.

Renee goes home. Juan Pablo cries. Renee kinda cries.

After the Rose Ceremony, they sit down to discuss the breakup. Juan Pablo says, “This is horrible.” 
Renee says, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I wanted to tell you how I felt, but it was just a lot. I did fall in love with you and it’s okay. You opened up my eyes to a whole new world.” This is why Renee is our favorite and we’re glad she didn’t end up with this douche.

Tonight there is another episode. Because I missed last week, I’m going to gut it out and write another one of these. See you tomorrow. 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Today's Bachelor Review... not happening.

It turned out to be an unexpectedly busy evening and watching TV wasn't something that was possible. I have every intention of returning next week.

Monday, February 17, 2014

My Wedding Anniversary, My Dad's Wedding Speech

Yesterday was my and Dee's 6th wedding anniversary. What's the 6th anniversary? Paper? Cardboard? eCards? I don't know. Anyway, we watched some of our wedding video yesterday and it reminded me of my Dad's wonderful speech at our wedding reception. I thought I'd re-post it here for everyone to enjoy.


Jeffrey & Deanna,
For your families and I, you must know that this day is, in our lives, as special to us as it is to you. It is a day we have thought about since we held you in our arms for the very first time.

I want to share a couple of thoughts with you.

First, the poets and lyricists often embrace the strange idea that this bride and groom are destined by the stars to be together and that each is the only person in the world for the other - that somehow fate had predestined this day and this union.

But looking at the two of you: Deanna - a raving beauty, bright, wonderful, kind, caring - a woman that would make a wonderful wife for any man she chose and I would guess that there are a hundred thousand young men in this city alone who would gladly change places with Jeffrey this day to win her hand.

And Jeffrey - please excuse your doting old dad, but God, I'm proud of this young man. He is everything a man could ask for in a son. Handsome, intelligent, strong, funny - as best I could ever tell the delight of everyone he ever met. Likewise, there is no doubt in my mind that thousands of ladies would have eagerly welcomed a life with him.

But the magic of today is not that some cosmic gravity brought them together, the magic is that of all the other choices they might have made, of all the relationships that might have been, these two people - today - called together their families and their friends and the people that are important in their lives to a place they both held sacred, and in front of the world and their holy God, swore their eternal love to one another, to exclusion of all the other possibilities that might have been. Jeff and Dee join their lives today not because of any occasion of fate, but because they have resolved to devote their lives to one another. 

The love you see in them tonight is not a love of chance - it is a love of choice.

And then, there is the famous phrase: "Happily ever after".

Dee and Jeff, everyone at this event tonight wishes you a "happily ever after" and there will be great times ahead for you. As time goes on, I know that you will discover delights and pleasures even more profound than this night. Maybe one day, if you are as fortunate as Greg and Barb were, some beautiful little girl will climb up on your lap and ask you to read her a story and you're hearts will burst at your pride for her. Or, maybe, if you are as lucky as Joyce and I were, some little boy will meet you at the front door at the end of the day with his ball and bat and beg, "Hey, Dad, will you pitch me a few?" And my God the world just doesn't get better than that.

But your vows today weren't just for better and richer and health. If the rest of your life was only about the good times, those vows would be empty and pointless. There will also be hard times - times of doubt, times of stress, and times of illness. It is in the hard times that you will discover how much you need one another. It is in the hard times that you will begin to understand what it is to have one person in the world that is there for you and that no matter how uncomfortable it might sometimes seem, that you are the one person on whom your partner can count.

To live "happily ever after" would be a very shallow life. I tell you tonight that in the good times you will find happiness, but it is in the hard times that you will find the depths of your love.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The Bachelor Episode #7 (Juan) -- A Review

This week the crew will be leaving their stain on Taupo, New Zeland.

In the opening, Kat says she wants to "kick it up a notch.” I assume she means go home.

First Date — Andi
The date card reads, “Let’s HEAT things up…” It’s totally going to be the standard chemistry lab date.

Juan and Andi get in a jet boat (boat jet?) and they take off down the river. The boat takes them to a place called “The Squeeze.” I feel like Juan is making up the names of these places. They wade into an increasingly tight crevasse between large rock formations. The water does not look warm. Eventually, they come to a little hot springs cove with waterfalls. In a surprise twist, they make out.

Juan Pablo says, “I like Andi. She is so cool.” He’s like a first grader talking about his action figures.

They have dinner next to a geyser. As they begin to eat, the geyser erupts. Prematurely. It soaks them both and ruins their dinner.

They move to the other side of the geyser. They stand by a railing and almost have a conversation. He pulls the rose out of his coat and offers it to her. She assepts. They make out.

Juan isn’t even trying anymore. These dates leave no room for conversation. They’re just little adventures with make out breaks.

Second Date — Sharleen, Chelsea, Renee, Nikki, Kat, Cassandra
The date card reads, “Let love ROLL.” Yes, because that’s a saying.

Today is Cassandra’s birthday. It’s the perfect setup for Heartbreak City.

Eventually, they discover they will be rolling down a hill in an OGO — a large plastic ball. Everyone loves it. It’s the first group date in Bachelor history where someone isn’t complaining the whole time. Nikki makes out with him in the ball, because that’s what Juan does.

In the evening, they have a cocktail party at Hobbiton — where they filmed Shire scenes from Lord of the Rings.

Juan tells Renee, “You’re one of my special ladies.” Yes, they’re all so very special. Renee says that she’s glad he sees her as a “package” not “baggage.” Both of those things are easily shipped off to America.

Nikki tells Juan, “I feel like I’m totally falling for you.” Juan’s response? “K. I like it.” Guys, we’re witnessing a true romantic.

The girls talk about the possible meaning of the roses on a group date. Their mistake is that they assume Juan actually thinks about who he gives a group date rose to.

As soon as Sharleen sits down with Juan, she says, “Hi." He immediately kisses her. Juan is drunk and all he wants to do is make out. Sharleen tries to talk about how she feels uncertain but he just doesn’t want to hear it. He just keeps pushing himself on her. I can’t really describe how awkward and dismissive it is. I think he lost his audience here. Not even Juan is hot enough to pull off being that dismissive and pushy and creepy.

Cassandra tries to tell Juan how much she appreciates him as a dad. He drunkenly leers at her and tries not to fall asleep. Thankfully, he doesn’t try to kiss her.

Juan gives the rose to Sharleen. He then takes Cassandra away for more one-on-one time. He says, “You’re gorgeous, you’re funny, you’re nice. I wish we were on the same chapter.” He sends her home. I’m not sure he ever found out it was her birthday.

In the car, Cassandra cries and says, “I want love so bad. I’ve been waiting so long.” YOU’RE 21. You’ve got time.

Final Date — Clare
Clare is still worked up about the whole situation in Vietnam. I’m still worked up that her name is missing an ‘i’.

Clare says, “There’s a difference between being honest and hurting someone’s feelings.” Nope. Incorrect. Those two things can exist together and often do. Anyway, she expects Juan to apologize.

Juan doesn’t apologize but he says, “There are some things you will learn from me and some things I will learn from you.” When she presses him, he says, “You were so happy [about swimming in the ocean] and if I said no you would be devastated and I didn’t want that.” Instead, he’d rather piss her off after they bone in the ocean. Somehow she thinks he apologized even though he totally made it her fault. 

These two are perfect for each other. They completely deserve each other. This may be the best match The Bachelor has ever made.

Juan and Chris Sit Down...
…and add absolutely nothing to the show.

The Cocktail Party
Kat, Chelsea, Nikki and Renee are nervous because they don’t have roses. The room is really quiet and Juan tries to break the ice. He fails spectacularly because he can’t make out with all of them at once.

Nikki tells Juan he looks nice and makes him do a spin. He tells her he has on pink underwear. They make out. Then she over explains something and they make out some more.

Juan gets Renee to talk about her son. She absolutely lights up. It’s cute. And it’s going to be heartbreaking for her when he chooses Clare.

Chelsea is worried. She tells Juan about her last relationship. She tells him she wants to stay. He says, “I want you to be okay. Do you feel better now?” She says yes. WHAT IS THIS STRANGE VOODOO?

Kat tells Juan a story about how her dad was passed out drunk and she had to climb into her sister’s crib to console her. Hasn’t she figured out that Juan doesn’t want to hear heartbreaking stories? He just wants to make out.

Chelsea and Kat are both convinced the other is going home.

The Rose Ceremony
Sharleen, Clare, Andi have roses.

Nikki, Renee, Chelsea get roses. Kat goes home.

When Kat hugs Sharleen, Sharleen says, “I’m really sad.” FORESHADOWING.

Kat tells Juan, “Good luck," and gets in the car. She cries and says, “It’a a marathon, not a sprint. I just didn’t get up to speed.” She just couldn’t shift that gear from Meaningful Conversation to Make Out Session.

Sharleen is really upset and confused. She “feels like it’s wrong somehow.” Go with your gut, sister. She says she’s going to give it another week and see if there “is something I’m missing.” Yeah, self-esteem, a decent guy, a thousand other things.

He tells the girls they are going to Miami.

During the end credits, they show Juan throwing sheep poop at the girls. Seriously, he throws sheep poop at the women like he’s some kind of first grader. They play it off like it’s some kind of blooper reel, but you can’t escape the fact that a large, muscular man is throwing feces at a group of women. I’m ashamed to be a man and therefore be associated with this doofus.

Next week, more make outs.

Tuesday, February 04, 2014

The Bachelor Episode #6 (Juan) -- A Review

The crew is in Vietnam this week. Juan is ready to take it “to the next level.” You know, Level 7.

First Date — Renee
The date card reads, “Are we the right fit?”

Renee is super excited and she wants tonight to be their first kiss.

It’s the check out the city date. He takes her to a store to get a Vietnamese-style dress tailored just for her. It will be a nice memento from that time she got dumped by a dude on TV. 

In the evening, she wears the dress to dinner. It works for her. Juan Pablo says, “She looks good in those dress.” The restaurant is vacated and a table is set just for them. He asks her about her son’s dad. They get real close and then… no kiss.

Juan gives her the rose. After she gets the rose, she decides it’s okay if he doesn’t kiss her. They get floating candles, make a wish and place them in the water. Her wish is that he kisses her. Her wish does not come true. Juan doesn’t want to kiss her because of her son.

Second Date — Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Alli, Danielle, Andi 
The date card reads, “Can you go with the flow?” The answer is no. Most of these girls cannot go with the flow.

Andi is disappointed she’s not on the one-on-one. I mean, they all are but the show decides to focus on her for some reason.

They pair up and get in bamboo boats. Because no one wants to be Clare’s partner, she ends up with Juan. They get stuck in some reeds and Juan kisses her. Juan thinks the other girls aren’t watching, but they are. They are always watching. 

He takes the girls to a community farm. They pick their food and help the famers with the crops. They eat the food they picked. UNEXPECTED TWIST.

In the evening, they have a cocktail party. The first girl he chooses for one-on-one time is Clare. The ladies are pissed. He takes Clare to his suite and they get into the pool. And make out. 

Juan and Sharleen find a spot on the beach. And make out. 

Juan and Andi find a spot on the beach. And make out.

Clare gets the rose because Juan trolls hard with the ladies. 

After the Group Date
Clare tells the girls she’s going to bed. Instead, she sneaks off to Juan’s suite and asks him to go into the ocean with her. He doesn’t even hesitate. It’s not a question. He can’t resist a make out session with Clare. The producers (and Clare) clearly want us to believe that something more than making out happened in the water. When discussing it in her confessional, she waggles her eyebrows like she’s familiar with Juan’s boner. You know, the boner brow waggle.

Final Date — Nikki
The date card reads, “Let’s have a hell of a good time.” Perfect. Going on a date with Nikki would be just like hell.

Juan takes her to Marble Mountain to rappel down into a cave the locals definitely do NOT call “hell” even though that’s what Juan says it’s supposedly called. Nikki says, “So I either live or I die or I poop my pants.” I’m hoping for poopy pants. That’s easily the most entertaining option. Death would be my second choice. They stop halfway down because she’s freaked out. Juan kisses her and suddenly she can keep going. When they get to the bottom, they make out. You know, because Juan only worries about your dignity if you have children, not parents or any other family member. 

In the evening, they have dinner in a different cave. He asks her about being a pediatric nurse. She talks a lot. It’s real boring. It’s like she’s reading from what she thinks is the “How to Get a Single Dad to Fall in Love with You” script. 

She gets the rose. And they make out.

The Cocktail Party
The ladies are ferried to a waterside park lit with colorful paper lanterns. It makes me want to go to Vietnam and make out with a ton of beautiful women just before breaking their hearts.

Prior to the party, Juan tells them he’ll be sending three people home. He sits down with them in awkward silence. Juan proposes a toast, Clare says, “To finding love, being love and making love.” WINK FUCKING WINK, EVERYONE.

Juan teaches Andi to say “Give me a little kiss.” And they make out.

Juan explains that he hasn’t kissed Renee because he doesn’t want Ben “to be pissed at me." She explains that Ben knows what’s up. How old is Ben? Eight? He definitely doesn’t know what’s up. While she’s explaining, he kisses her. She does a happy dance. Renee is our current front-runner to be the next Bachelorette.

Juan tells Clare that he made a mistake by spending the extra time with her. He says it was good but that “it was a little weird for me.” He says, “Maybe it wasn’t right but what happened, happened.” She tries to smooth talk him and about the time I think she’s going to win him over, he plays the Camilla Card. He says, “Camilla would not be proud of me.” Clare plays the only card she has left. She cries. 

When Clare and Juan rejoin the group, there is obvious tension between them. Nikki says, “I have no idea what’s going on.” No, you don’t. Clare runs off to cry some more and Juan goes to find her. She is blowing everyone away in time of possession.

Juan returns to the party and it’s awkward. The girls are confused. When Chris Harrison shows up, everything is weird as hell. Maybe it’s because we haven’t seen Chris for like three episodes. I feel like it’s almost time for one of his patented sit-downs with the Bachelor to help him work out his feelings. Maybe next week. We’re also due for a Cocktail Party cancellation.

The Rose Ceremony
Renee, Clare, Nikki have roses.

The roses go to Sharleen, Cassandra, Chelsie, Kat and Andi. Alli, Kelly, Danielle go home.

Juan tears up as the girls leave. That’s three strong make out sessions he’s watching walk out the door. 

Danielle says, “I knew there wasn’t a strong connection.” Way to hang in there long enough to get Bachelor Pad consideration.

Alli cries and says, “You hope for the best and when it doesn’t work out, it stinks.” 

We don’t hear from Kelly at all because even the producers are like, “I don’t know how she stuck around so long.” Besides, we’ll get plenty from her on the next Bachelor Pad. I guarantee she will be a contestant.

Next week they will be traveling to MAKE OUT CITY, MAKEOUTISTAN.