First Date — Renee
The date card reads, “Are we the right fit?”
Renee is super excited and she wants tonight to be their first kiss.
It’s the check out the city date. He takes her to a store to get a Vietnamese-style dress tailored just for her. It will be a nice memento from that time she got dumped by a dude on TV.
In the evening, she wears the dress to dinner. It works for her. Juan Pablo says, “She looks good in those dress.” The restaurant is vacated and a table is set just for them. He asks her about her son’s dad. They get real close and then… no kiss.
Juan gives her the rose. After she gets the rose, she decides it’s okay if he doesn’t kiss her. They get floating candles, make a wish and place them in the water. Her wish is that he kisses her. Her wish does not come true. Juan doesn’t want to kiss her because of her son.
Second Date — Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Alli, Danielle, Andi
The date card reads, “Can you go with the flow?” The answer is no. Most of these girls cannot go with the flow.
Andi is disappointed she’s not on the one-on-one. I mean, they all are but the show decides to focus on her for some reason.
They pair up and get in bamboo boats. Because no one wants to be Clare’s partner, she ends up with Juan. They get stuck in some reeds and Juan kisses her. Juan thinks the other girls aren’t watching, but they are. They are always watching.
He takes the girls to a community farm. They pick their food and help the famers with the crops. They eat the food they picked. UNEXPECTED TWIST.
In the evening, they have a cocktail party. The first girl he chooses for one-on-one time is Clare. The ladies are pissed. He takes Clare to his suite and they get into the pool. And make out.
Juan and Sharleen find a spot on the beach. And make out.
Juan and Andi find a spot on the beach. And make out.
Clare gets the rose because Juan trolls hard with the ladies.
After the Group Date
Clare tells the girls she’s going to bed. Instead, she sneaks off to Juan’s suite and asks him to go into the ocean with her. He doesn’t even hesitate. It’s not a question. He can’t resist a make out session with Clare. The producers (and Clare) clearly want us to believe that something more than making out happened in the water. When discussing it in her confessional, she waggles her eyebrows like she’s familiar with Juan’s boner. You know, the boner brow waggle.
Final Date — Nikki
The date card reads, “Let’s have a hell of a good time.” Perfect. Going on a date with Nikki would be just like hell.
Juan takes her to Marble Mountain to rappel down into a cave the locals definitely do NOT call “hell” even though that’s what Juan says it’s supposedly called. Nikki says, “So I either live or I die or I poop my pants.” I’m hoping for poopy pants. That’s easily the most entertaining option. Death would be my second choice. They stop halfway down because she’s freaked out. Juan kisses her and suddenly she can keep going. When they get to the bottom, they make out. You know, because Juan only worries about your dignity if you have children, not parents or any other family member.
In the evening, they have dinner in a different cave. He asks her about being a pediatric nurse. She talks a lot. It’s real boring. It’s like she’s reading from what she thinks is the “How to Get a Single Dad to Fall in Love with You” script.
She gets the rose. And they make out.
The Cocktail Party
The ladies are ferried to a waterside park lit with colorful paper lanterns. It makes me want to go to Vietnam and make out with a ton of beautiful women just before breaking their hearts.
Prior to the party, Juan tells them he’ll be sending three people home. He sits down with them in awkward silence. Juan proposes a toast, Clare says, “To finding love, being love and making love.” WINK FUCKING WINK, EVERYONE.
Juan teaches Andi to say “Give me a little kiss.” And they make out.
Juan explains that he hasn’t kissed Renee because he doesn’t want Ben “to be pissed at me." She explains that Ben knows what’s up. How old is Ben? Eight? He definitely doesn’t know what’s up. While she’s explaining, he kisses her. She does a happy dance. Renee is our current front-runner to be the next Bachelorette.
Juan tells Clare that he made a mistake by spending the extra time with her. He says it was good but that “it was a little weird for me.” He says, “Maybe it wasn’t right but what happened, happened.” She tries to smooth talk him and about the time I think she’s going to win him over, he plays the Camilla Card. He says, “Camilla would not be proud of me.” Clare plays the only card she has left. She cries.
When Clare and Juan rejoin the group, there is obvious tension between them. Nikki says, “I have no idea what’s going on.” No, you don’t. Clare runs off to cry some more and Juan goes to find her. She is blowing everyone away in time of possession.
Juan returns to the party and it’s awkward. The girls are confused. When Chris Harrison shows up, everything is weird as hell. Maybe it’s because we haven’t seen Chris for like three episodes. I feel like it’s almost time for one of his patented sit-downs with the Bachelor to help him work out his feelings. Maybe next week. We’re also due for a Cocktail Party cancellation.
The Rose Ceremony
Renee, Clare, Nikki have roses.
The roses go to Sharleen, Cassandra, Chelsie, Kat and Andi. Alli, Kelly, Danielle go home.
Juan tears up as the girls leave. That’s three strong make out sessions he’s watching walk out the door.
Danielle says, “I knew there wasn’t a strong connection.” Way to hang in there long enough to get Bachelor Pad consideration.
Alli cries and says, “You hope for the best and when it doesn’t work out, it stinks.”
We don’t hear from Kelly at all because even the producers are like, “I don’t know how she stuck around so long.” Besides, we’ll get plenty from her on the next Bachelor Pad. I guarantee she will be a contestant.
Next week they will be traveling to MAKE OUT CITY, MAKEOUTISTAN.