In the opening, Kat says she wants to "kick it up a notch.” I assume she means go home.
First Date — Andi
The date card reads, “Let’s HEAT things up…” It’s totally going to be the standard chemistry lab date.
Juan and Andi get in a jet boat (boat jet?) and they take off down the river. The boat takes them to a place called “The Squeeze.” I feel like Juan is making up the names of these places. They wade into an increasingly tight crevasse between large rock formations. The water does not look warm. Eventually, they come to a little hot springs cove with waterfalls. In a surprise twist, they make out.
Juan Pablo says, “I like Andi. She is so cool.” He’s like a first grader talking about his action figures.
They have dinner next to a geyser. As they begin to eat, the geyser erupts. Prematurely. It soaks them both and ruins their dinner.
They move to the other side of the geyser. They stand by a railing and almost have a conversation. He pulls the rose out of his coat and offers it to her. She assepts. They make out.
Juan isn’t even trying anymore. These dates leave no room for conversation. They’re just little adventures with make out breaks.
Second Date — Sharleen, Chelsea, Renee, Nikki, Kat, Cassandra
The date card reads, “Let love ROLL.” Yes, because that’s a saying.
Today is Cassandra’s birthday. It’s the perfect setup for Heartbreak City.
Eventually, they discover they will be rolling down a hill in an OGO — a large plastic ball. Everyone loves it. It’s the first group date in Bachelor history where someone isn’t complaining the whole time. Nikki makes out with him in the ball, because that’s what Juan does.
In the evening, they have a cocktail party at Hobbiton — where they filmed Shire scenes from Lord of the Rings.
Juan tells Renee, “You’re one of my special ladies.” Yes, they’re all so very special. Renee says that she’s glad he sees her as a “package” not “baggage.” Both of those things are easily shipped off to America.
Nikki tells Juan, “I feel like I’m totally falling for you.” Juan’s response? “K. I like it.” Guys, we’re witnessing a true romantic.
The girls talk about the possible meaning of the roses on a group date. Their mistake is that they assume Juan actually thinks about who he gives a group date rose to.
As soon as Sharleen sits down with Juan, she says, “Hi." He immediately kisses her. Juan is drunk and all he wants to do is make out. Sharleen tries to talk about how she feels uncertain but he just doesn’t want to hear it. He just keeps pushing himself on her. I can’t really describe how awkward and dismissive it is. I think he lost his audience here. Not even Juan is hot enough to pull off being that dismissive and pushy and creepy.
Cassandra tries to tell Juan how much she appreciates him as a dad. He drunkenly leers at her and tries not to fall asleep. Thankfully, he doesn’t try to kiss her.
Juan gives the rose to Sharleen. He then takes Cassandra away for more one-on-one time. He says, “You’re gorgeous, you’re funny, you’re nice. I wish we were on the same chapter.” He sends her home. I’m not sure he ever found out it was her birthday.
In the car, Cassandra cries and says, “I want love so bad. I’ve been waiting so long.” YOU’RE 21. You’ve got time.
Final Date — Clare
Clare is still worked up about the whole situation in Vietnam. I’m still worked up that her name is missing an ‘i’.
Clare says, “There’s a difference between being honest and hurting someone’s feelings.” Nope. Incorrect. Those two things can exist together and often do. Anyway, she expects Juan to apologize.
Juan doesn’t apologize but he says, “There are some things you will learn from me and some things I will learn from you.” When she presses him, he says, “You were so happy [about swimming in the ocean] and if I said no you would be devastated and I didn’t want that.” Instead, he’d rather piss her off after they bone in the ocean. Somehow she thinks he apologized even though he totally made it her fault.
These two are perfect for each other. They completely deserve each other. This may be the best match The Bachelor has ever made.
Juan and Chris Sit Down...
…and add absolutely nothing to the show.
The Cocktail Party
Kat, Chelsea, Nikki and Renee are nervous because they don’t have roses. The room is really quiet and Juan tries to break the ice. He fails spectacularly because he can’t make out with all of them at once.
Nikki tells Juan he looks nice and makes him do a spin. He tells her he has on pink underwear. They make out. Then she over explains something and they make out some more.
Juan gets Renee to talk about her son. She absolutely lights up. It’s cute. And it’s going to be heartbreaking for her when he chooses Clare.
Chelsea is worried. She tells Juan about her last relationship. She tells him she wants to stay. He says, “I want you to be okay. Do you feel better now?” She says yes. WHAT IS THIS STRANGE VOODOO?
Kat tells Juan a story about how her dad was passed out drunk and she had to climb into her sister’s crib to console her. Hasn’t she figured out that Juan doesn’t want to hear heartbreaking stories? He just wants to make out.
Chelsea and Kat are both convinced the other is going home.
The Rose Ceremony
Sharleen, Clare, Andi have roses.
Nikki, Renee, Chelsea get roses. Kat goes home.
When Kat hugs Sharleen, Sharleen says, “I’m really sad.” FORESHADOWING.
Kat tells Juan, “Good luck," and gets in the car. She cries and says, “It’a a marathon, not a sprint. I just didn’t get up to speed.” She just couldn’t shift that gear from Meaningful Conversation to Make Out Session.
Sharleen is really upset and confused. She “feels like it’s wrong somehow.” Go with your gut, sister. She says she’s going to give it another week and see if there “is something I’m missing.” Yeah, self-esteem, a decent guy, a thousand other things.
He tells the girls they are going to Miami.
During the end credits, they show Juan throwing sheep poop at the girls. Seriously, he throws sheep poop at the women like he’s some kind of first grader. They play it off like it’s some kind of blooper reel, but you can’t escape the fact that a large, muscular man is throwing feces at a group of women. I’m ashamed to be a man and therefore be associated with this doofus.
Next week, more make outs.