Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Bachelor Episode #9 (Juan) -- A Review

I missed last week’s review. I did eventually watch the show and I can’t even remember who Juan Pablo sent home. I’m sure he cried about it, though.

It’s hometown week. The ladies take Juan Pablo home to meet their families.


Kansas City, MO — Nikki
Nikki takes Juan Pablo to Oklahoma Joe’s — a BBQ joint. He doesn’t know what BBQ is. He loves it and attacks it with reckless abandon.

Nikki then takes him to ride a mechanical bull as retaliation for making her dance in South Korea. However, Juan Pablo jumps right in and enjoys it instead of pouting the whole time. Huh. Who knew trying new things could be awesome? She wants to tell him that she loves him but “It’s not the right time.” No? The bar with a mechanical bull isn’t the right time?

Juan Pablo meets Nikki’s mom, dad and two younger brothers. There may be a wife or something in there, too.

Nikki says of her mom, “My mom is my best friend.” RED FLAG. She tells her mom she’s in love with Juan Pablo. She says, "Hopefully, the next time you see me I’ll be engaged.” Mom approves because that’s what a best friend would do.

Dad tells Juan Pablo, "If your heart isn’t 100% there, don’t propose.” You know, standard dad stuff.

Nikki's dad asks her, “What makes you so compatible with him?” 
Nikki says, “He makes me feel really comfortable around him. I can’t put my finger on it.” He’s cool with that answer. TOP NOTCH PARENTING RIGHT THERE.

Juan Pablo and Nikki stand out on the front porch and make out. She doesn’t tell him she loves him because, “It didn’t feel right.” It’s not going to, lady.


Atlanta, GA — Andi
Andi is smartly dressed. Juan Pablo is wearing jeans and a crappy long sleeve t-shirt. He’s really working hard to impress these ladies.

Andi takes him to a gun range. She drills the target with a 9mm and then moves on to a larger weapon. Juan Pablo takes several shots and entirely misses the target on every shot. Andi tells him she won’t take him home until he hits a bullseye. It looks like he’ll never hit one. Eventually, he hits a bullseye. I DON’T BELIEVE YOU. EDITING TRICKS.

Juan Pablo meets Mom, Dad (whose name is Hy), a sister and her husband. As Andi and Juan Pablo tell the family about their dates, Dad gives him a hard time for not giving her a one-on-one until there were only eight girls left. Dad is not thrilled. He says, “I’m looking at two people who are infatuated with each other. He may be infatuated with other girls, too.”

During dinner Andi says, “And you guys were worried.” 
Dad says, “Oh, I’m still worried.” 
Juan Pablo asks, “You’re worried?” 
Dad says, “Oh yeah. Definitely.”
Juan Pablo acts like this is some kind of surprise. Like he’s shocked someone might not approve of this method for finding a spouse.

Mom asks Juan Pablo, “What is it you find special about her?” 
Juan Pablo says, “She’s beautiful first.” Yep, that’s pretty much as deep as it goes for Juan Pablo. Mom then tries to get him to dance with her. He gets Andi instead and they dance terribly. 

Dad asks Juan Pablo, “What in the world made you go on this show?”
Juan Pablo says, “If I go on the show, the people that come on know who I am — I’m a father, I want a family — hopefully they want the same.” Juan Pablo asks if Dad will accept him and his daughter into his family. Dad rambles a lot and then says, “My answer to you is I won’t answer you because the person who is good enough for my daughter is going to come to me and say there is no one else in the world for him.” Juan Pablo claims to like this “honest” answer.

Andi’s sister tells her that she doesn’t see the connection between the two of them. Andi looks disappointed yet undeterred.

Andi's Dad tells her that he doesn’t want her to get hurt. Look, this is terrible dad advice. Your daughter is a grown woman. You should have raised her to be able to handle herself. If she’s willing to take the chance, trust her to be able to handle it if things don’t go well. 

At the end of the night, they sit outside on a bench and talk about the gun range. You know, because that’s the most pressing issue at hand this evening.


Sarasota, FL — Renee
Juan Pablo gets to meet Renee's son, Ben. When he meets her on the beach, he says to her, “Welcome to Sarasota.” Hmm, he doesn’t know how welcome works.

She takes him to Ben’s Little League game. Ben shows up in his baseball uniform and Juan Pablo is strangely awkward and too familiar with him. You’d think he has never dealt with children before.

Is it bad that I just want to completely skip over Renee’s date? Nothing interesting is going to happen here.

Juan Pablo talks with Mom, Dad and brother while Renee puts Ben to bed. We don’t see any of the conversations.

Renee tells her mom, “I’m totally madly, crazy in love with him.” 
Mom, “Have you told him?” 
Renee, “No.”

Renee wants to say “I love you.” When Juan Pablo asks her what she’s thinking, she says, “I’m thinking about a lot of things.” None of these girls can say it. DON’T GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION.

My favorite part is that she’ll tell herself the reason she went home was because she couldn’t say it — not because Juan Pablo is a douchebag.


Sacramento, CA — Clare
Clare tells Juan Pablo that when her father was dying he told his daughters to ask him anything. She asked him who would dance with her at her wedding. He said, “Why wait?” She picked the song and they danced. Juan Pablo reacted by saying, “Whoo!” Then he and Clare go throw rocks.

Juan Pablo meets Mom, four sisters and a brother-in-law.

Clare and Madeline (the sister she trusts) sit and talk. When Madeline asks what Clare would do if Juan Pablo proposed, Clare says, “I would say yes in a heartbeat.” Can we just get these two married and let them live their miserable life together?

Clare sits down with Mom and Laura (the angry sister). Laura won’t let Mom speak for herself and tells Clare, “When it comes down to giving a blessing, I don’t think we’re there yet.” Clare is rightfully confused. Laura then walks away but still hovers nearby. This family is a big bowl of crazy.

Laura then butts in to Juan Pablo's conversation with mom. Clare tries to break it up but Juan Pablo diffuses the situation and eventually gets to talk to Mom alone. He knows how to play the ladies. I told you he and Clare are the perfect fit.


Rose Ceremony
One girl goes home tonight.

The roses go to Nikki, Clare, and Andi.

Renee goes home. Juan Pablo cries. Renee kinda cries.

After the Rose Ceremony, they sit down to discuss the breakup. Juan Pablo says, “This is horrible.” 
Renee says, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I wanted to tell you how I felt, but it was just a lot. I did fall in love with you and it’s okay. You opened up my eyes to a whole new world.” This is why Renee is our favorite and we’re glad she didn’t end up with this douche.

Tonight there is another episode. Because I missed last week, I’m going to gut it out and write another one of these. See you tomorrow. 

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