Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Dad's Art Reviews -- Episode #2

It's episode #2 of Dad's Art Reviews where I review "The Potato Bug Ouroboros," "Green E's," and "Train Stain."

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

My New Project: Dad's Art Reviews

Guys, I've got a new project. I'm pretty excited about it. I'm doing a new video series called Dad's Art Reviews. It's me reviewing my daughter's artwork. I won't tell you any more about it because you can watch it below. I'll be posting a new video every Tuesday to my YouTube site, and I'll be posting them here as well.


Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Bachelor Finalé (Juan) -- A Review

It’s the end. It’s finally the end. Boy, I sure do hope Juan Pablo ends up with… DON’T CARE.

In one of the least surprising moves ever, Chris Harrison calls this, “One of the most dramatic and surprising finalés ever.”

Juan Pablo and his family are in Saint Lucia to meet the girls.

Clare and Family
This is the first time Clare meets Camilla, she says, “How adorable is Juan Pablo with his daughter? So hot, though. It makes him even hotter.” You heard it here first, ladies. Dads are SEXY.

Juan Pablo’s family asks if she speaks Spanish. She says her whole family speaks Spanish but that she does not. Clare is so self-absorbed that she doesn’t even learn the language of her own family.

The family asks if Clare wants a family. She says she wants three. Three families? That seems like a bit much.

Juan Pablo’s mom tells Clare, “He sometimes is very rude,” and goes on to explain that he’s basically an asshole. Clare is all, “No, it’s cool. I’m totally in love with myself, so we’re good.” Or something like that.

Juan Pablo’s cousin tells Clare, “When things get hard, he walks away. Are you ready for that?” Clare is all, “Is the camera getting my good side? Have I wobbled my head yet during this conversation? I should wobble my head just to be sure. Maybe I should slightly stick my tongue out between my teeth for good measure."

Juan Pablo’s family is doing nearly everything they can to tell her to run away. She’s not hearing it because she thinks she going to get a wedding paid for by ABC.

Juan Pablo's dad says to Clare, “My doors are open to be part of this family. If something different happens you’ll always be in my mind.” You just got spank banked by Juan Pablo’s dad, Clare.

Nikki and Family
Dad asks Nikki, “How do you feel when you think about Juan Pablo being a single father?” 
Nikki says, “I think she made him the person he is today. I’d like to have a relationship with him and Camilla.” Is she at a job interview or is she having a conversation with a potential family member? 
Then Dad says, “I’m telling you. He’s not an easy guy. He’s focalized on what he wants. He thinks he knows the truth of everything.” 
I love that even Juan Pablo’s family doesn’t like him.

Mom tells Nikki that they’ll just hang out and watch TV the whole time. I think this is the nicest thing any family member has said about Juan Pablo.

Juan Pablo’s cousin also warns Nikki that, “When things are getting rough he will walk away from the relationship.” 
She says, “I think we will fight well.” I mean, so long as you’re good at it...

After the family segments Chris Harrison talks to an audience member who says, “This is going badly. It’s going south fast. His family warned them both and they both said, ‘It’s okay.” This is basically how everyone feels.

Clare’s Final Date
Oh. Hi there, Helicopter. Good to see you again. You’re looking good. I hope things are going well for you. I don’t know. I kinda feel like you’ve been avoiding me. You never return my texts or emails and that’s cool, I know you’re busy, but I just want to know you’re okay. Now I see you are. So, yeah. Hi.

Juan Pablo and Clare get in Helicopter and fly around the island. Clare tells us that when they were landing and there were no cameras or microphones, Juan Pablo said, “That he doesn’t really know me and some sexual thing. I thought this was going to be one of the most romantic moments of my life and it’s not.”

Juan Pablo joins Clare in her hotel room. She refuses to kiss him when he comes in and he’s not happy about it. She brings up what he said to her in Helicopter and then he talks in circles until he wears her down and she somehow thinks that he made it right. He relies heavily on his famous, “I’m just being honest,” line. Then he brings up how she made the no kissing rule in South Korea and didn’t stick to it. Then he says, “So don’t blame me.” This is totally going to end well for Clare, guys.

If you saw this conversation, you witnessed the most ridiculous conversation ever in human history.

Then he plays the song they danced to on their first one-on-one date on his phone. They make out.

Chris Harrison asks Sharleen about the situation. “I found it pretty painful to watch. A girl’s intuition is ringing and she just ignored it while he was quite patronizing to her. And the things he said he liked about her weren’t so specific and his way of complimenting her is telling her that she got to meet his family. I wish she’d stuck to her guns.”

Sean (the previous Bachelor) says, “Honestly, I felt like Juan Pablo was talking in circles. You just want to grab him and say ‘Shoot her straight, just tell her how you feel.”

Nikki’s Final Date
Nikki tells us, “The one thing missing from my fairy tale is how he feels about me.”

Juan Pablo says, “Do you have any concerns?”
Nikki says, “Sometimes I feel like you might be a little guarded.”
Juan Pablo, “Nope. When I feel it, I will open up.” That’s the definition of being guarded but you’re not so good at using your brain, so I’ll give you a pass, Juan Pablo.

Juan Pablo meets her in her hotel room in the evening. Nikki gives him a framed picture of the two of them on a date with a handwritten card which ends it with, “I love you."
He says, “Thank you,” and tries to kiss her. She’s not having it.
Then he leaves.

She goes back to her couch and cries. I feel no sympathy for either of these girls. They’ve been warned.

The Final Rose
Both girls tell us they will accept if Juan Pablo asks to marry them. Yep, that makes complete sense.

We don’t get to see Juan Pablo pick out the ring, nor do we get to see him talk about how in love he is. You know, because he’s not.

Clare arrives first and immediately launches into a big speech, “Getting out of the limo at the beginning I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know what kind of man you were. But I’ve wanted to be here. There were times I wanted to bolt but I’m standing here with you because we have something special and I believe in you.”
Juan Pablo responds, “Clare, we had our ups and downs, we communicated, we talked and fixed them. You’re here because I wanted you to be here. I wish the Earth sucked me today because this is the hardest decision ever. I appreciate you being here and trusting me. I’ve been honest since the beginning with everybody here that at some people has gotta go home. I gotta follow what I think is best for me and I have to say goodbye to you.” He tries to hug her and she stops him. The crowd cheers. 

(By the way, there are no typos in Juan Pablo’s speech. He actually said, “I wish the Earth sucked me.”)

Clare goes into lecture mode, “This entire time I stuck around because I believed in you. I needed that reassurance last night. For you to sit there and tell me that you could see us together. I saved this moment for the man of my dreams and I thought that was you and I thought I knew what kind of man you were.” He tries to jump in and she says, “I’m not done. Sharleen didn’t have the feelings for you. Andi did the same thing, you had every opportunity to do the same to me.” He tries to talk. She shuts him down. As she walks away, she says, “What you just made me go through? I would never want my children to have a father like you.” THE CROWD GOES WILD.

He then says, “Woo. Glad I didn’t pick her.” He’s lost the crowd for good with that. He is officially the villain. I’ll say it again: Juan Pablo is officially a villain because he dumped one of the least popular girls on this show. He’s setting records here, folks.

In her one-on-one Clare scream-cries, “Where’s that man that would fight for me?” Dee says, “Oh great. Are they really leading up to her being the Bachelorette? I will blow my brains out.” Agreed.

Nikki is cocky. She says, “This day will be one of the best days of my life.”

Nikki gives a little speech. Juan Pablo responds, “Nikki. Woo. Just know that I love so many things about you and it’s the reason I want you to be here. I love your honesty. I can see you as a good stepmom for Camilla.” He mentions his conversation with her father in which her father said that he should be 100% sure she’s the one if he proposes to her. He says, “I’m not 100% sure that I want to propose to you but I’m 100% sure that I don’t want to let you go.” He offers her the final rose. She assepts. This is not the way to win the hearts of The Bachelor fans, Juan Pablo. They want a doomed engagement or nothing.

After the Final Rose
Chris Harrison brings Clare out first. They talk briefly about the breakup and Chris asks if she wants to speak to Juan Pablo. Clare says, “I thought about this. I had never been able to stand up to a man before. It was so liberating to say every single word how I felt. That was my closure, that’s all I needed. I don’t want to sit here on this couch and get fed any more BS.” Suddenly, she’s a crowd favorite.

Chris brings out Juan Pablo who is immediately defensive. I’d transcribe the conversation but when you write down the words he says, it makes even less sense than when he says them out loud. If that makes any sense. 

Nikki comes out and Chris talks to her alone. Here is their conversation:
Chris, “Is there a relationship?”
Nikki, “Yeah, it’s been great.”
Chris, “You’re still in love. Is he in love with you?”
Nikki, “I don’t know.”
Chris, “Has he told you?”
Nikki, “It’s not that he doesn’t tell me, it’s his actions.”
Chris, “He’s never said those words?”
Nikki, “No.”
Chris, “Is that a struggle?”
Nikki, “I’m not going to force it.” (Because it’s good for my modeling career.)

Chris brings out Juan Pablo to join Nikki. The audience is not thrilled. Usually they go NUTS for the final couple.
Chris says to Juan Pablo, “When you were in Saint Lucia you said that you had a big surprise for tonight.”
Juan Pablo denies that he said that.
Chris asks how he feels about her.
Juan Pablo talks in circles.
Chris asks how he feels about her.
Juan Pablo talks in circles.
Chris asks how he feels about her.
Juan Pablo talks in circles.

Eventually Juan Pablo sums it all up by saying, “At the end of the day, I’m glad that I singed up and I’m glad I got what I wanted to.”

Indeed, Juan Pablo, indeed.

The new Bachelorette will be Andi. Dee doesn't have to blow her brains out.

Tuesday, March 04, 2014

The Bachelor, The Women Tell All (Juan Pablo) -- A Review

It’s time to get sassy, folks. It’s the Women Tell All episode.

They’re billing this as the “most controversial” season of The Bachelor. What is the controversy? That the show is still on TV? I don’t understand.

The great thing about watching this on delay is that I don’t have to sit through hearing about Sean and Catherine’s wedding and honeymoon. That is followed up by some stupid Muppet Movie promo. Also skipped.

The Ladies Unleashed
Before we hear from the ladies, we see clips of the ladies talking about how wonderful Juan Pablo is. This is probably the last good thing we’ll hear about him all night.

Chris Harrison then asks, “Clearly Juan Pablo is an attractive man. Why wasn’t that enough?” We’ve done it! We’ve found the dumbest question ever asked!

Chris asks Renee, “What did you see that we didn’t?” Renee says, “We had our kids to talk about.” Everyone politely ignores her and jumps back on the whole, “he didn’t want to know about me" thing.

Kelly (the one with the dog) decides she’s going to be the one who calls people out even though she interested exactly no one who watched this show and has no legs to stand on.

Chris asks how it felt to have Juan Pablo kissing so many girls. The girls aren’t as upset about the kissing as they are about his arbitrary rules and his willingness to break them as soon as he made them. They just want a little consistency from a guy dating 27 girls at once.

Chris asks about Clare and Juan Pablo sneaking out to the hot tub and ocean, “Did he handle that situation with Clare in Vietnam correctly?”
Sharleen says, “I think he had a case of buyer’s remorse. I’d definitely respect him more if he stuck with that decision than flip flopped.” NEVER FLIP FLOP. NO ONE RESPECTS A FLIP FLOPPER. For example, if you think gays are “more pervert” then you should stick to that and never, never, NEVER change your mind. Even if you are presented with convincing evidence.

Sharleen in the Hot Seat
Chris Harrison says, “You’re the most intriguing person we’ve had.” Probably true. Which is exactly why she’s a terrible match for Juan Pablo.

Chris asks, “Why did you say goodbye?”
Sharleen says, "I said goodbye because I knew he wasn’t the one for me."

Chris then asks, "Are you surprised to find out that you were one of the top girls during the show?"
Sharleen, "Yes, I’m surprised. It was shocking. I knew I was near the top but not one of the favorites."
The other girls are all, “Oh yeah. We knew she was the favorite."

Chris asks, "Do you have any regrets?"
Sharleen, "I regret some things I said but not that I left.”
You mean things like, “cerebral connection”?

Too bad the “most intriguing person” The Bachelor has ever had is the most boring in the Hot Seat.

Renee in the Hot Seat
Chris says, “You had that special connection. What was that connection?”
Renee says, "It came a lot from us both having kids.”
You can see it dawning on her that the only thing they ever talked about was their kids and that she was completely duped.

Chris asks, "You were in love with Juan Pablo?"
Renee says, "I had those feelings. Yeah."
Chris asks, "Would saying 'I love you' have made a difference?”
Renee says, "No, I don’t think so.”
Guys, this is a first. A girl admits that confessing her love probably wouldn’t have made a difference. She’s definitely taken over the “most intriguing” title from Sharleen.

At the end, she admits that she is, “in a situation where I’m very happy.” Dee tells me she’s engaged. Not to Juan Pablo, though, so there will be no TV wedding.

Andi in the Hot Seat
Chris asks, "Heading into the Fantasy Suite were you in love or falling in love with Juan Pablo?"
Andi says, "In that moment I felt like I could fall in love with him."
Chris asks, "When the doors close and we leave, what happened?"
Andi, "It was fine for a little while. It was nice to be away from the cameras for a little bit. Then everything was about his soccer and his traveling and who he knew. It was all about him. There was a lot of negativity."
Chris, "What was he being negative about?"
Andi, "The whole process. I don’t think he appreciated what he had. I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor.” The audience laughs. Oh man, I feel you, audience. Juan Pablo is THE WORST, right?

Andi mentions that Juan Pablo made a comment about his overnight with Clare. Andi says, “In that moment, I thought, 'This will never work.”
Chris says, "Did you tell him you found it offensive?"
Andi, "No. I regret that."
Andi then says, "I just closed my eyes and hoped it would be over."
Chris asks, "You faked sleep?"
Andi, “YUP.” (Or something like that)
She finishes up by saying, "He was never mean to me. The things he said made me feel cheap. He just didn’t think."

Chris Harrison then smoothly segues into, "Do you believe that 'great love' as you say, exists?"
Andi, “YUP."
Chris asks, "And you’re going to keep searching for it?"
Andi, “YUP."
Folks, that was code for “Andi is our next Bachelorette.”

Juan Pablo in the Hot Seat
Chris jumps right in, "There were moments that people were talking about, now that you’ve seen it, would you change them?"
Juan Pablo says, "At the end of the day you have to be very mature, realistic, honest in this situation and I’ve been honest since day one. Sometimes that happens to be rude but yeah. It’s gonna hurt. I have no regrets."

The girls try to call him out on his shit but he manages to Bad English his way out of most of it. It’s fun to watch because the girls think they have these unassailable stances and he just responds with a blank look and, “It’s okay. I understand,” and they get more and more frustrated. It’s like arguing with a psychologist.

Chris asks Andi, "Are there some things you’d like him to understand?"
Andi takes the bait again. Why does she even bother?
Andi says, "A lot of us came here looking for a husband and very seldom did you use the word ‘wife' and the conversations didn’t show that you were trying to find a wife."
Juan Pablo says, "It’s your opinion, I understand it.” BRILLIANT.

Chris asks Sharleen, “Do you feel like he took it seriously?"
Sharleen, "Yeah, but i’m getting the feeling the other girls felt differently.”
She looks so confused. This experience will scar her for life.

Lucy says, "I think everyone wanted to feel like they were in a unique and individual relationship with you. This is not a game.” IT IS A GAME. Part of that game is that most of you walk away feeling shitty. You signed up for this. Don’t be surprised when you’re part of the majority that got hurt.

Kelly says to Juan Pablo, "I heard and interview where you made a comment about gays being 'more pervert.' Coming from a parent who is gay I was hurt by that."
Juan Pablo says, "That situation was taken out of context. I’ll explain to you. We will talk."
Victoria (the drunk one) jumps in and says, "As somebody who has only lived in the country for ten years and up until the age of 15 didn’t speak any English, please stop using English as my second language as a cop out.” The problem with this statement is that I think his communication issues are legit. He’s only learned enough English to get himself laid.
Juan Pablo says, "I will not waste four minutes, I’d rather spend an hour to explain to you. I love gay people.” GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

Chris throws it to the blooper reel like this show isn’t just one long blooper.

Then we get to see previews of Nikki and Clare crying. Can’t wait.