Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Bachelor Finalé (Juan) -- A Review

It’s the end. It’s finally the end. Boy, I sure do hope Juan Pablo ends up with… DON’T CARE.

In one of the least surprising moves ever, Chris Harrison calls this, “One of the most dramatic and surprising finalés ever.”

Juan Pablo and his family are in Saint Lucia to meet the girls.

Clare and Family
This is the first time Clare meets Camilla, she says, “How adorable is Juan Pablo with his daughter? So hot, though. It makes him even hotter.” You heard it here first, ladies. Dads are SEXY.

Juan Pablo’s family asks if she speaks Spanish. She says her whole family speaks Spanish but that she does not. Clare is so self-absorbed that she doesn’t even learn the language of her own family.

The family asks if Clare wants a family. She says she wants three. Three families? That seems like a bit much.

Juan Pablo’s mom tells Clare, “He sometimes is very rude,” and goes on to explain that he’s basically an asshole. Clare is all, “No, it’s cool. I’m totally in love with myself, so we’re good.” Or something like that.

Juan Pablo’s cousin tells Clare, “When things get hard, he walks away. Are you ready for that?” Clare is all, “Is the camera getting my good side? Have I wobbled my head yet during this conversation? I should wobble my head just to be sure. Maybe I should slightly stick my tongue out between my teeth for good measure."

Juan Pablo’s family is doing nearly everything they can to tell her to run away. She’s not hearing it because she thinks she going to get a wedding paid for by ABC.

Juan Pablo's dad says to Clare, “My doors are open to be part of this family. If something different happens you’ll always be in my mind.” You just got spank banked by Juan Pablo’s dad, Clare.

Nikki and Family
Dad asks Nikki, “How do you feel when you think about Juan Pablo being a single father?” 
Nikki says, “I think she made him the person he is today. I’d like to have a relationship with him and Camilla.” Is she at a job interview or is she having a conversation with a potential family member? 
Then Dad says, “I’m telling you. He’s not an easy guy. He’s focalized on what he wants. He thinks he knows the truth of everything.” 
I love that even Juan Pablo’s family doesn’t like him.

Mom tells Nikki that they’ll just hang out and watch TV the whole time. I think this is the nicest thing any family member has said about Juan Pablo.

Juan Pablo’s cousin also warns Nikki that, “When things are getting rough he will walk away from the relationship.” 
She says, “I think we will fight well.” I mean, so long as you’re good at it...

After the family segments Chris Harrison talks to an audience member who says, “This is going badly. It’s going south fast. His family warned them both and they both said, ‘It’s okay.” This is basically how everyone feels.

Clare’s Final Date
Oh. Hi there, Helicopter. Good to see you again. You’re looking good. I hope things are going well for you. I don’t know. I kinda feel like you’ve been avoiding me. You never return my texts or emails and that’s cool, I know you’re busy, but I just want to know you’re okay. Now I see you are. So, yeah. Hi.

Juan Pablo and Clare get in Helicopter and fly around the island. Clare tells us that when they were landing and there were no cameras or microphones, Juan Pablo said, “That he doesn’t really know me and some sexual thing. I thought this was going to be one of the most romantic moments of my life and it’s not.”

Juan Pablo joins Clare in her hotel room. She refuses to kiss him when he comes in and he’s not happy about it. She brings up what he said to her in Helicopter and then he talks in circles until he wears her down and she somehow thinks that he made it right. He relies heavily on his famous, “I’m just being honest,” line. Then he brings up how she made the no kissing rule in South Korea and didn’t stick to it. Then he says, “So don’t blame me.” This is totally going to end well for Clare, guys.

If you saw this conversation, you witnessed the most ridiculous conversation ever in human history.

Then he plays the song they danced to on their first one-on-one date on his phone. They make out.

Chris Harrison asks Sharleen about the situation. “I found it pretty painful to watch. A girl’s intuition is ringing and she just ignored it while he was quite patronizing to her. And the things he said he liked about her weren’t so specific and his way of complimenting her is telling her that she got to meet his family. I wish she’d stuck to her guns.”

Sean (the previous Bachelor) says, “Honestly, I felt like Juan Pablo was talking in circles. You just want to grab him and say ‘Shoot her straight, just tell her how you feel.”

Nikki’s Final Date
Nikki tells us, “The one thing missing from my fairy tale is how he feels about me.”

Juan Pablo says, “Do you have any concerns?”
Nikki says, “Sometimes I feel like you might be a little guarded.”
Juan Pablo, “Nope. When I feel it, I will open up.” That’s the definition of being guarded but you’re not so good at using your brain, so I’ll give you a pass, Juan Pablo.

Juan Pablo meets her in her hotel room in the evening. Nikki gives him a framed picture of the two of them on a date with a handwritten card which ends it with, “I love you."
He says, “Thank you,” and tries to kiss her. She’s not having it.
Then he leaves.

She goes back to her couch and cries. I feel no sympathy for either of these girls. They’ve been warned.

The Final Rose
Both girls tell us they will accept if Juan Pablo asks to marry them. Yep, that makes complete sense.

We don’t get to see Juan Pablo pick out the ring, nor do we get to see him talk about how in love he is. You know, because he’s not.

Clare arrives first and immediately launches into a big speech, “Getting out of the limo at the beginning I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know what kind of man you were. But I’ve wanted to be here. There were times I wanted to bolt but I’m standing here with you because we have something special and I believe in you.”
Juan Pablo responds, “Clare, we had our ups and downs, we communicated, we talked and fixed them. You’re here because I wanted you to be here. I wish the Earth sucked me today because this is the hardest decision ever. I appreciate you being here and trusting me. I’ve been honest since the beginning with everybody here that at some people has gotta go home. I gotta follow what I think is best for me and I have to say goodbye to you.” He tries to hug her and she stops him. The crowd cheers. 

(By the way, there are no typos in Juan Pablo’s speech. He actually said, “I wish the Earth sucked me.”)

Clare goes into lecture mode, “This entire time I stuck around because I believed in you. I needed that reassurance last night. For you to sit there and tell me that you could see us together. I saved this moment for the man of my dreams and I thought that was you and I thought I knew what kind of man you were.” He tries to jump in and she says, “I’m not done. Sharleen didn’t have the feelings for you. Andi did the same thing, you had every opportunity to do the same to me.” He tries to talk. She shuts him down. As she walks away, she says, “What you just made me go through? I would never want my children to have a father like you.” THE CROWD GOES WILD.

He then says, “Woo. Glad I didn’t pick her.” He’s lost the crowd for good with that. He is officially the villain. I’ll say it again: Juan Pablo is officially a villain because he dumped one of the least popular girls on this show. He’s setting records here, folks.

In her one-on-one Clare scream-cries, “Where’s that man that would fight for me?” Dee says, “Oh great. Are they really leading up to her being the Bachelorette? I will blow my brains out.” Agreed.

Nikki is cocky. She says, “This day will be one of the best days of my life.”

Nikki gives a little speech. Juan Pablo responds, “Nikki. Woo. Just know that I love so many things about you and it’s the reason I want you to be here. I love your honesty. I can see you as a good stepmom for Camilla.” He mentions his conversation with her father in which her father said that he should be 100% sure she’s the one if he proposes to her. He says, “I’m not 100% sure that I want to propose to you but I’m 100% sure that I don’t want to let you go.” He offers her the final rose. She assepts. This is not the way to win the hearts of The Bachelor fans, Juan Pablo. They want a doomed engagement or nothing.

After the Final Rose
Chris Harrison brings Clare out first. They talk briefly about the breakup and Chris asks if she wants to speak to Juan Pablo. Clare says, “I thought about this. I had never been able to stand up to a man before. It was so liberating to say every single word how I felt. That was my closure, that’s all I needed. I don’t want to sit here on this couch and get fed any more BS.” Suddenly, she’s a crowd favorite.

Chris brings out Juan Pablo who is immediately defensive. I’d transcribe the conversation but when you write down the words he says, it makes even less sense than when he says them out loud. If that makes any sense. 

Nikki comes out and Chris talks to her alone. Here is their conversation:
Chris, “Is there a relationship?”
Nikki, “Yeah, it’s been great.”
Chris, “You’re still in love. Is he in love with you?”
Nikki, “I don’t know.”
Chris, “Has he told you?”
Nikki, “It’s not that he doesn’t tell me, it’s his actions.”
Chris, “He’s never said those words?”
Nikki, “No.”
Chris, “Is that a struggle?”
Nikki, “I’m not going to force it.” (Because it’s good for my modeling career.)

Chris brings out Juan Pablo to join Nikki. The audience is not thrilled. Usually they go NUTS for the final couple.
Chris says to Juan Pablo, “When you were in Saint Lucia you said that you had a big surprise for tonight.”
Juan Pablo denies that he said that.
Chris asks how he feels about her.
Juan Pablo talks in circles.
Chris asks how he feels about her.
Juan Pablo talks in circles.
Chris asks how he feels about her.
Juan Pablo talks in circles.

Eventually Juan Pablo sums it all up by saying, “At the end of the day, I’m glad that I singed up and I’m glad I got what I wanted to.”

Indeed, Juan Pablo, indeed.

The new Bachelorette will be Andi. Dee doesn't have to blow her brains out.

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