Tuesday, March 04, 2014

The Bachelor, The Women Tell All (Juan Pablo) -- A Review

It’s time to get sassy, folks. It’s the Women Tell All episode.

They’re billing this as the “most controversial” season of The Bachelor. What is the controversy? That the show is still on TV? I don’t understand.

The great thing about watching this on delay is that I don’t have to sit through hearing about Sean and Catherine’s wedding and honeymoon. That is followed up by some stupid Muppet Movie promo. Also skipped.

The Ladies Unleashed
Before we hear from the ladies, we see clips of the ladies talking about how wonderful Juan Pablo is. This is probably the last good thing we’ll hear about him all night.

Chris Harrison then asks, “Clearly Juan Pablo is an attractive man. Why wasn’t that enough?” We’ve done it! We’ve found the dumbest question ever asked!

Chris asks Renee, “What did you see that we didn’t?” Renee says, “We had our kids to talk about.” Everyone politely ignores her and jumps back on the whole, “he didn’t want to know about me" thing.

Kelly (the one with the dog) decides she’s going to be the one who calls people out even though she interested exactly no one who watched this show and has no legs to stand on.

Chris asks how it felt to have Juan Pablo kissing so many girls. The girls aren’t as upset about the kissing as they are about his arbitrary rules and his willingness to break them as soon as he made them. They just want a little consistency from a guy dating 27 girls at once.

Chris asks about Clare and Juan Pablo sneaking out to the hot tub and ocean, “Did he handle that situation with Clare in Vietnam correctly?”
Sharleen says, “I think he had a case of buyer’s remorse. I’d definitely respect him more if he stuck with that decision than flip flopped.” NEVER FLIP FLOP. NO ONE RESPECTS A FLIP FLOPPER. For example, if you think gays are “more pervert” then you should stick to that and never, never, NEVER change your mind. Even if you are presented with convincing evidence.

Sharleen in the Hot Seat
Chris Harrison says, “You’re the most intriguing person we’ve had.” Probably true. Which is exactly why she’s a terrible match for Juan Pablo.

Chris asks, “Why did you say goodbye?”
Sharleen says, "I said goodbye because I knew he wasn’t the one for me."

Chris then asks, "Are you surprised to find out that you were one of the top girls during the show?"
Sharleen, "Yes, I’m surprised. It was shocking. I knew I was near the top but not one of the favorites."
The other girls are all, “Oh yeah. We knew she was the favorite."

Chris asks, "Do you have any regrets?"
Sharleen, "I regret some things I said but not that I left.”
You mean things like, “cerebral connection”?

Too bad the “most intriguing person” The Bachelor has ever had is the most boring in the Hot Seat.

Renee in the Hot Seat
Chris says, “You had that special connection. What was that connection?”
Renee says, "It came a lot from us both having kids.”
You can see it dawning on her that the only thing they ever talked about was their kids and that she was completely duped.

Chris asks, "You were in love with Juan Pablo?"
Renee says, "I had those feelings. Yeah."
Chris asks, "Would saying 'I love you' have made a difference?”
Renee says, "No, I don’t think so.”
Guys, this is a first. A girl admits that confessing her love probably wouldn’t have made a difference. She’s definitely taken over the “most intriguing” title from Sharleen.

At the end, she admits that she is, “in a situation where I’m very happy.” Dee tells me she’s engaged. Not to Juan Pablo, though, so there will be no TV wedding.

Andi in the Hot Seat
Chris asks, "Heading into the Fantasy Suite were you in love or falling in love with Juan Pablo?"
Andi says, "In that moment I felt like I could fall in love with him."
Chris asks, "When the doors close and we leave, what happened?"
Andi, "It was fine for a little while. It was nice to be away from the cameras for a little bit. Then everything was about his soccer and his traveling and who he knew. It was all about him. There was a lot of negativity."
Chris, "What was he being negative about?"
Andi, "The whole process. I don’t think he appreciated what he had. I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor.” The audience laughs. Oh man, I feel you, audience. Juan Pablo is THE WORST, right?

Andi mentions that Juan Pablo made a comment about his overnight with Clare. Andi says, “In that moment, I thought, 'This will never work.”
Chris says, "Did you tell him you found it offensive?"
Andi, "No. I regret that."
Andi then says, "I just closed my eyes and hoped it would be over."
Chris asks, "You faked sleep?"
Andi, “YUP.” (Or something like that)
She finishes up by saying, "He was never mean to me. The things he said made me feel cheap. He just didn’t think."

Chris Harrison then smoothly segues into, "Do you believe that 'great love' as you say, exists?"
Andi, “YUP."
Chris asks, "And you’re going to keep searching for it?"
Andi, “YUP."
Folks, that was code for “Andi is our next Bachelorette.”

Juan Pablo in the Hot Seat
Chris jumps right in, "There were moments that people were talking about, now that you’ve seen it, would you change them?"
Juan Pablo says, "At the end of the day you have to be very mature, realistic, honest in this situation and I’ve been honest since day one. Sometimes that happens to be rude but yeah. It’s gonna hurt. I have no regrets."

The girls try to call him out on his shit but he manages to Bad English his way out of most of it. It’s fun to watch because the girls think they have these unassailable stances and he just responds with a blank look and, “It’s okay. I understand,” and they get more and more frustrated. It’s like arguing with a psychologist.

Chris asks Andi, "Are there some things you’d like him to understand?"
Andi takes the bait again. Why does she even bother?
Andi says, "A lot of us came here looking for a husband and very seldom did you use the word ‘wife' and the conversations didn’t show that you were trying to find a wife."
Juan Pablo says, "It’s your opinion, I understand it.” BRILLIANT.

Chris asks Sharleen, “Do you feel like he took it seriously?"
Sharleen, "Yeah, but i’m getting the feeling the other girls felt differently.”
She looks so confused. This experience will scar her for life.

Lucy says, "I think everyone wanted to feel like they were in a unique and individual relationship with you. This is not a game.” IT IS A GAME. Part of that game is that most of you walk away feeling shitty. You signed up for this. Don’t be surprised when you’re part of the majority that got hurt.

Kelly says to Juan Pablo, "I heard and interview where you made a comment about gays being 'more pervert.' Coming from a parent who is gay I was hurt by that."
Juan Pablo says, "That situation was taken out of context. I’ll explain to you. We will talk."
Victoria (the drunk one) jumps in and says, "As somebody who has only lived in the country for ten years and up until the age of 15 didn’t speak any English, please stop using English as my second language as a cop out.” The problem with this statement is that I think his communication issues are legit. He’s only learned enough English to get himself laid.
Juan Pablo says, "I will not waste four minutes, I’d rather spend an hour to explain to you. I love gay people.” GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

Chris throws it to the blooper reel like this show isn’t just one long blooper.

Then we get to see previews of Nikki and Clare crying. Can’t wait.

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