Tuesday, September 09, 2014

A Revision Revision: My ND Football Preview

Last week, I revised my "Best Case Scenario" published in my original ND Football Preview. After the 31-0 blowout of the Skunkbears, I feel like I need to do another revision since I completely forgot to mention the defense. Here we go.

My original “Best Case Scenario”
Best Case Scenario
The Irish beat Rice, Michigan, Purdue and Syracuse to start the season and everyone stays healthy. We lose to Stanford, beat North Carolina and lose to Florida State. We finish with wins against Navy, Northwestern, Louisville and a banged-up USC squad to finish 10-2. No playoff.

My revised “Best Case Scenario”
Best Case Scenario
Golson scores five touchdowns every game, never commits a turnover, blows up highlight reels and keeps his regular season undefeated streak alive through 2014. He wins the Heisman, National Championship, Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, Tony, World Cup, Nobel and Hunger Games. We crown him Forever President and his first move is to relegate Michigan to FCS status. The nation rejoices, crime disappears, and the world suddenly finds itself in an unprecedented state of complete peace and harmony. Sure, overpopulation will still be an issue, but no one’s perfect. 

My revised, revised "Best Case Scenario"

Best Case Scenario Addendum to "Revised Best Case Scenario."
In addition to Golson ascending to never-seen-before-heights, the defense -- even in its depleted state -- will set up camp in the opposing team's backfield, making fires and cooking beans right in the can. They will sack the quarterback approximately twenty-four times per game. When they are not sacking the quarterback, they will pressure him into making bad decisions so that our secondary (and linebackers, never forget the linebackers) will intercept nearly 90% of passes thrown. When a team is lucky enough to complete a pass, the defenders hit the receiver so hard the equipment managers will not be able to piece him back together. The defense will win every possible defensive award, both team and individual and Notre Dame will create its own version of the ACC commercial with all the awards. They will surrender only three points for the remainder of the season. Those three points will be scored only because Navy are good sportsmen and will ask us politely to let them kick a simple field goal so as not to completely embarass our country.

There. NOW, I've properly revised my "Best Case Scenario."

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