Mindsilt

The Bachelor Episode #4 - A Review

2012-01-24T07:00:00.000-06:00

I guess I’m actually going to review this show after all. I have no idea what has happened in the previous three episodes, nor do I care. In fact, it might turn into a fun little game of guess the crazy one. Well, guess the most crazy one.

This guy's name is Ben Flajnik

This week Ben is taking the ladies to Park City, Utah. Full disclosure: I just learned his name during the intro.

Helicopter! You knew I was back! You opened the episode with this floppy haired dork inside you while he narrates in a stilted fashion. Is this how he talks? Like he’s reading everything he says? While Ben flies in on Helicopter the ladies are flown in on a regular old airplane. Airplanes are boring and slutty. They let so many people inside them.

Holy shit, there are still thirteen girls left. Thirteen. He better eliminate about seven tonight or this season is going to last through July.

Chris leaves our thirteen girls with a date card and then says, “I hope to see you all at the next rose ceremony.” That pretty much guarantees that we won’t see all of them at the next rose ceremony. Plus, they’ve already teased a “shocking” exit.

First Date — Rachel

She receives the card and is excited but anxious because, “My last relationship broke up with me.” Wow. She was so bad that her boyfriend didn’t just dump her, the entire relationship dumped her. The relationship was all, “I’m not even going to allow you to use me as a construct to categorize your interactions with this other person.” Snap.

Some girl immediately breaks down crying because he’s going on a date with someone else. Again, do these girls not know what they’re getting into? Something tells me she’s the crazy one because they didn’t bother putting her name up on the screen. We’re all just supposed to know who she is. Is it Kacie? I can’t tell if the girl in the interview is the same girl from before the commercial break. Her hair has changed and frankly that’s the only way I can tell these girls apart. If I was The Bachelor, I would just call them all Kymberlie and hope they keep accepting roses.

Ben comes to pick up Rachel and the rest of the girls watch him and Rachel get whisked off by Helicopter. Don’t worry, Helicopter, I know you’re not cheating. You’re just doing your job. They set down in a meadow and take a little walk to a lake and hop in a canoe. Ben seduces her by saying things like, “It’s so nice,” and “It’s so romantic.” Yes, he does always talk like he’s reading cue cards.

Rachel keeps talking about how hard first dates are for her. Now we know why. There is only awkward silence and weird conversation about how bright the sun is. Also, beaver dams. No, a beaver dam is not some kind of birth control. It’s a dam built by beavers, you perverts.

In the evening they walk through what very well might be a haunted forest to an even creepier log cabin for dinner. In what is barely concealed foreshadowing, Rachel says, “Why spend time in a relationship that’s not going anywhere?” Ben replies, “Agreed.”

She admits that she’s not good at opening up and tells Ben to ask if he needs to know anything about her. If the producers knew what they were doing, they would splice in the “Whatever you like” scene from Coming to America. We are lead to believe that this saved the date and she gets a rose.

Group Date — Jamie, Casey S., Blakeley, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B., Courtney

The date card reads, “Let’s see if you’re a great catch.” I can only assume that means they’ll all be donning catchers gear and Ben will be firing fastballs at them.

Judging by everyone’s awkward reactions to her being invited, Courtney is also a crazy one. At the very least she’s the one that everyone hates. Also, did she get punched in the mouth in the last episode? She talks like someone gave her a fat upper lip.

Ben comes riding in across a river on a horse. You can see the mist rising from the girls’ panties. The girls then mount up and ride to a river for fly fishing. Really? On a group date where you’re supposed to get to know these girls, you take them to do something that requires a ridiculous amount of skill and experience and silence? Brilliant. Everyone dons super-sexy waiters and flails around with their fishing poles. Kacie keeps saying, “Ben and I have a connection,” like she’s trying to convince the whole world. Courtney pulls Ben away to another part of the river to get some private instruction and maybe even show him her beaver dam. Meanwhile, all the other girls have completely given up and started drinking. Why? Because fishing is the worst date activity ever. Lindzi finds Ben and Courtney and is determined to show Ben that she can fish. Courtney immediately catches a fish. You can actually hear Lindzi’s hate meter going off.

In the evening they head to a lodge for drinks. In fact, it may be the very lodge they are staying in. Ben immediately pulls Casey S. away for some time alone. Some girl walks over to interrupt his time with Casey. She immediately tells him a story about how her boss died two weeks before she came on the show. Ben counters by telling her that he lost a friend two days before he came on the show. No one likes a show off, Ben. Then they make out. Dead people are sexy. Samantha decides to interrupt their make out session. She decides to bitch about always going on group dates. He listens quietly then sends her home. BAM. Message sent.

He takes Kacie away for some one-on-one time to some random make out room. He admits that he wanted to kiss her in the river but he didn’t because all of the other girls were watching. They take turns calling each other schmoopie and they make out.

Courtney is pouting and she’s ready to unleash her best guilt trip. Ben takes her away to lay her down by the fire. She tells him that she really likes him but that she’s having a really hard time. She says she’s lost touch with her feelings for him because there are other girls around. He feels bad that she’s having a hard time so he gives her the rose. She played him like a fiddle. Once she gets the rose she says, “Winning.” Did she still think that would still be cool by the time this aired? Did she think that was ever cool?

Third Date — Jennifer

The card reads, “Let’s pick our love song.” The rest of the card must have read, “Wear your frumpiest outfit.”

He takes her on a hike and they climb a fence with a “No Trespassing” sign. He informs her that they are going to repel into a crater, hang and then drop into the water at the bottom. She’s freaked out but she sacks up and straps in. They hang for a long time and then drop into the water. Then they make out awkwardly while trying to tread water.

In the evening they have a little meal outside near a fire while thunder rolls in the background. They talk about boring relationship stuff then the sky opens up and they both run for cover. They try to make it sound romantic but it was basically just sprinting. He tells her he wasn’t sure he was going to find a connection with her but he enjoyed the date and gives her the rose. They head to a concert by some guy I’ve never heard of before but who Jennifer calls “a superstar.” Apparently, words don’t mean anything anymore.

Why do the contestants on this show continue to insist that the Bachelor sets up these dates? It’s easily the most insulting part of the show.

I know lots and lots of Americans like country music but holy shit it is terrible.

The Cocktail Party

Time to overanalyze who has roses. Ben comes in an thanks the women for “being open.” That’s clearly an invitation for someone to talk shit about Courtney to Ben. Emily jumps at the chance to tell him about “another girl” who isn’t “being real.” Ben tells her that she’s going to go crazy if she tries to figure everything out and that focusing another girl is going to be the end of her. When Emily comes back with her tail between her legs, Casey S. defends Courtney. Emily flips out. There’s always one girl who loses it over another girl. Casey immediately goes to Courtney to rat Emily out. Do these women ever watch this show? Courtney says, “I almost want to rip her head off and verbally assault her.” I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know what at least one of those things mean.

Courtney decides that she’s going to confront Emily but only in the most passive-aggressive way possible. Kacie asks the group, “Who feels like they’ve learned more about themselves in the last two weeks than they have in their whole life?” Nearly everyone raises their hand except for Courtney. She uses that to draw attention to her and then bitches out on basically everyone in the room. Same shit, different faces. How many more episodes before someone decides to go home to keep her job?

The Rose Ceremony

The roses look really weird without leaves or thorns on them. Have they been doing that for every season or just this one? They look really odd today.

Lindzi, Jamie, Nicki, Kacie B., Elyse, Blakeley and Casey S. get the first seven roses. The final rose goes to Emily. I’m willing to bet good money that she doesn’t get the hint to stop talking trash about Courtney.

Monica goes home. She doesn’t seem surprised or upset until she gets in the car. She give some pitiful speech about how she’s not even sure true love exists anymore. Yes, because you didn’t find love on a television game show it’s rational to come to the conclusion that true love doesn’t exist.

Next week they will be going to Puerto Rico. Courtney says, “I was just there two weeks ago.” Ben awkwardly says, “Well, we’re going back.” Isn’t she delightful?

****

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

2012-01-23T07:00:00.000-06:00

I had to run some errands, so I only saw the first quarter and the very last drive of the Ravens-Patriots game. Somehow I think that was all I needed to see.

Question: What in the hell was Joe Flacco doing on that 3^rd and 1 play after the dropped touchdown pass? He could have very easily run for a first down. Instead, he threw one of the worst passes in playoff history. Make a play, man. Never put your Super Bowl hopes on a kicker.

I can’t believe that there aren’t more murder sprees at Walmarts. Every time I set foot in that place, I want to wipe humanity off the face of the earth. Plus, I’m pretty sure nearly everyone there is carrying a firearm.

With the exception of the Patriots-Broncos game, all of the playoff games have been pretty damn exciting. The NFL is a lot more fun when there isn’t a dominant team — unless that team is the Indianapolis Colts. Unfortunately, that’s never been the case.

I saw reports this weekend that the Colts are interviewing Jim Tressel for the head coaching job. My sources (yes, I have sources) have been telling me for over a month that the Sweater Vest was going to get the job. I couldn’t be less excited. If ever there was a guy who was made to coach at the college level it is Tressel.

Also, I’m pretty sure that the Colts’ owner, Jim Irsay, is slowly losing his mind.

Fundamentals, Kyle Williams. Fundamentals. Tuck that ball away. Despite your mediocre quarterback, you’ll take the blame for costing your teammates a shot at the Super Bowl.

Why do they even bother running the clock for overtime during a playoff game? They’re always going to keep playing until someone wins. A three-way Super Bowl would be pretty awesome, though.

That sound you hear is ESPN jizzing all over themselves. Somehow it still won’t reach the ESPN hype of a regular season Yankees-Red Sox game.

At least a Manning gets to play at least once in Indianapolis this season.

You have to love Terry Bradshaw’s commitment to his long hair even with the male pattern baldness. What do you call that? A Buldett?
****

The Bachelor Episode #3 - Not A Review

2012-01-17T07:00:00.000-06:00

There was no football last night so I can’t blame it for keeping me away from watching and reviewing The Bachelor. Instead, I was busy with a video shoot last night. I guess the world is conspiring against me. Does it even make sense for me to try to pick this thing up on the fourth episode? Should I just save myself the pain and pick back up for The Bachelorette? We’ll see. Maybe next week life will get in the way and I won’t be able to watch for one reason or another and I’ll definitely be forced to skip reviewing the whole season. I mean, there are only eleven or twelve episodes per season.

We’ll see.

Like you care.

I spent Thursday night and most of Friday puking my brains out. It was some kind of 24-hour flu bug that obviously wasn’t covered by the flu shot I got this year. By the way, this year was the first time in my life that I ever got a flu shot.

Like you care.

I recently decided that during 2012 I’m going to give away over $5,000 worth of cash and prizes right here on this blog.

Oh, so now you care. I see how it is. You only care when I have shiny prizes. Just for that, I’m not giving away anything.
****

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

2012-01-16T07:00:00.000-06:00

Well, the Patriots failed. Tim Tebow is still alive which means we’ll have to keep hearing about him. Here’s what I hope happens with Tim Tebow:

He improves and becomes a mediocre quarterback that plays for a mediocre team that sometimes makes the playoffs and sometimes doesn’t and he slowly fades into the muddle of mediocre quarterbacks in the NFL and we all stop making a big deal out of him. Or I want him to abruptly quit the NFL and go to live in some third world country to heal people with his bare hands.

It feels really weird to be watching the 49ers as an underdog. Especially since I grew up with the Joe Montana era 49ers.

It was a really bad time for the Packers to play their worst game of the season — and they still had a shot to win that game.

If Matt Schaub was healthy would we be talking about how dangerous the Texans are right now? The Texans only lost to the Ravens by seven. Good quarterback play would have won that game for the Texans.

If we end up with a Pats-Giants Super Bowl does anyone think that Belichick won’t try to hang 100 on the Giants?

If we end up with a Pats-Giants Super Bowl does anyone think that ESPN won’t be shitting all over themselves about how great the game is going to be? Maybe they won’t hit Yankees-Red Sox regular season series level hype, but it will be close.

If we end up with a Ravens-49ers Super Bowl will anyone mention that a mediocre quarterback can win a Super Bowl with a great defense wether they have deep faith in a god or not?

If we end up with a Ravens-Giants Super Bowl will Ray Lewis stab someone?

I guess this one was all football and no other things. Whoops.

****

The Friday Roundup

2012-01-13T07:00:00.000-06:00

Boy, I really wish I could re-write the second sentence in last week’s intro to the Friday Roundup. Guess what? I can.

It’s the Friday Roundup. Put your eyeballs on it, let your brain suck it in and fart an approving noise out of your mouth hole.

That’s better. Also, a question: If you saw a t-shirt that read, “Fart an approving noise out of your mouth hole,” would you buy it?

This Week in Mindsilt

Monday:

I gave you more of my Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things.

Tuesday:

Football kept me from reviewing The Bachelor for the second week in a row. Don’t worry, I’ll pick up again next week.

Thursday:

It’s truly amazing how productive I am before 9 AM.

Tweets of the Week

One for the ladies and one for the dudes, in that order:

If you're embarrassed about getting breast implants, just tell people you had a "deviated septum" in your tits.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) January 10, 2012

I don't get button flies. Why not just put a Rubik's Cube down there?
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) January 12, 2012

Video of the Week
You've all encountered this while out at the bars.

****

Things I Do Before 9 AM

2012-01-12T09:00:00.000-06:00

I do more before 9 AM than most people do between 9 AM and 9:30 AM. That's no joke. So listen (well, not listen really. Just pay attention to what I'm about to write. You know, reading comprehension and all that. Get ready.) here's what I did this morning:

I got in to work and I unpacked my shit and got my computers set up and I mashed up my dry oatmeal so it would be more microwave friendly. Bam! One thing! Then I went to the kitchen and made my oatmeal. Bam! Two things! I also got water. Bam! Three things! I cleaned my water bottle first, though. Bam! Four things! Then I came back to my office and I fucking checked my email. Bam! Five things! I discovered an email from one of my coworkers in New York asking me to send payment for Girl Scout cookies I ordered from his daughter. Bam! Six things! I sent him a clever response. Bam! Seven things! I realized that I needed change for the $50 in my wallet so I went down to the convenience store to buy a pack of gum (which I needed anyway.) Bam! Eight things! I came back upstairs and put the money in an envelope to send to New York. Bam! Nine things! I wrote a clever note on the outside of the envelope. Bam! Ten Things! I asked my secretary how the hell I use our interoffice mailing system and dropped envelope into a bigger, redder envelope and addressed it to my coworker in New York. Bam! Eleven things that could possibly be construed as thirteen things total but I've decided to be conservative in my estimate of things I've done! I arranged for the envelope to be picked up. Bam! Twelve things! Then I sat down and ate my oatmeal. Bam! Thirteen things! Now I'm writing this. Bam! Fourteen things! See? I've done at least fourteen things this morning and it's only 8:42 AM. I've still got eighteen minutes in which to do several more things. Most likely I'll just clean my oatmeal bowl and take my vitamins. Bam! Fifteen and sixteen things! Otherwise I'll just surf the Internet until my conference call at 9 AM. Bam! Almost a seventeenth thing!

****

The Bachelor Episode #2 - Not A Review

2012-01-10T07:00:00.000-06:00

Football happened again so I didn’t watch The Bachelor. It was great. I was able to watch something on television that didn’t make me sad about humanity. That’s not entirely true. I was briefly depressed when Kirk Herbstreit and Brent Musberger spent several minutes outlining the arrests and suspensions racked up by LSU this year. Aside from that, I was just happy to be watching football.

Wow, Alabama dominated the crap out of that game. Sure, they took a page from Notre Dame’s book and stalled out once they hit the red zone but I never got the feeling that LSU was ever in that game.

Everyone on Twitter was complaining about how boring the game was. If Oklahoma State was in the game and getting blown out would they have complained about the same thing? Maybe, but the game was still pretty boring.

In Bachelor news, Ben had awkward dates with girls that he gave roses to while the other girls sat at home and made themselves crazy. More crazy, I mean.

Wasn’t it awesome when that girl said something dumb?

I may have missed Helicopter. I’m not worried, though. Helicopter will be back.

I’ll be back to my regular snarky reviews of The Bachelor next week.

****

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

2012-01-09T07:00:00.000-06:00

In the least surprising twist of the season, the only interesting game of the weekend was the Broncos game.

Does anyone else think it’s a little irresponsible of Tim Tebow to continue to let everyone think that God is responsible for his success? There are already enough people that don’t think they have to work hard to achieve success. The last thing we need is those people being able to use God as an excuse.

If nothing else, the kid clearly works his ass off.

As soon as the Falcons got the safety to go up 2-0 on the Giants, I immediately started rooting for them to never score again. The only thing better than a team finishing a game with two points is a team finishing with four points.

The Lions made a game of it for three quarters. Wasn’t that cute?

Anyone who says they love every single second of being a parent is a dirty, filthy liar. Don’t trust them.

Still, my daughter is the best thing that’s happened to me.

The Bengals-Texans game was on my TV simply because it was football. I had absolutely zero interest in this game. I’m not entirely convinced that the players were into the game.

It doesn’t help that their uniforms look like they were designed by a schizophrenic fourth grader (Bengals) and the most boring fourth grader (Texans) in the class.

The Notre Dame football team did not lose this weekend. In fact, the men’s basketball team beat #10 Louisville, the women’s basketball team beat #2 UConn and the men’s hockey team beat #5 Minnesota. Unfortunately, no one cares.

My prediction for tonight’s BCS Championship game: Alabama 4, LSU 2.

Also, I won’t have a review of The Bachelor for you tomorrow because I’ll be watching the game. Sorry. Tune back in next week.

****

The Friday Roundup

2012-01-06T07:00:00.000-06:00

It’s the first Friday Roundup of 2012. Put your eyeballs on it then let your brain suck it in then fart an approving noise out of your mouth hole.

Oh yeah, it’s also my birthday. If you want to do something nice for me, don’t send me a gift. Instead, send a check to the scholarship fund dedicated to my father:

Check payable to:

Blackford Community Foundation, Inc. Write “David C. Ford Scholarship” in the subject line.

Send to:

Benjamin E. Oswalt

121 North High Street

P.O. Box 327

Hartford City, IN 47348

Thanks and Happy Birthday.

This Week in Mindsilt

Monday:

My thoughts on the weekend in football.

Tuesday:

I didn’t watch The Bachelor and I still kinda reviewed it.

Thursday:

I tracked all my workout data and gave you a summary on my progress.

Tweet of the Week

From Shelby Fero:

“You give me one leather jacket, I invest it, then give you back TWO leather jackets!” -Fonzi Scheme

See it here.

Video of the Week

Remember that guy from Police Academy that did all the crazy sound effects? Michael Winslow. Anyway, he’s up to his usual tricks.

****

My 2011 Workout Numbers

2012-01-05T07:00:00.000-06:00

Last year Dee got me a new heart rate monitor that came with a watch that would allow me to track my workouts. I put it to use and tracked my workouts for the year to see if I could discover anything interesting in the data. Here’s what I found.

Goals

Workout data means nothing if it doesn’t help you to see how you are achieving your goals. This means that you need to have goals. I did have goals and they were as follows:

Maintain an average weight of 180 pounds while reducing my body fat percentage to 11%.

That’s great, but what does it mean for my workout plan? It means that I needed to to a combination of strength and cardio training. The strength training would allow me to add muscle (and burn fat) to increase my weight while the cardio would help me burn fat to decrease my body fat percentage. Early in the year, I focused more on shedding fat so I did more cardio. As the year progressed, I shifted my plan to include more strength and less cardio once I saw how I was tracking to my goals. This wasn’t a linear progression. I would tweak my workouts as necessary if I saw movement away from my goals. Plus, changing up the routine is always a good thing.

Weight and Body Composition

When I started tracking my workouts in January of 2011, I weighed 183 pounds and my body fat was 15.2%. This was the heaviest I had ever been in my life. Some of it was from added muscle from my 2010 workouts but a good deal of it was from not working out much in December (my gym was closed for the month for renovations) and eating way too much. When the gym reopened in January, I rededicated myself to my workouts and to healthier meals.

By the end of March I weighed 182 pounds and my body fat dropped to 13.9%. I felt like I was on track to hit my 11% goal by the end of the year. However, I wandered a bit due to various distractions (mostly the baby) and a busy work schedule. Unfortunately, I didn’t check my body fat again until December 6^th when I checked in at 12.9%. My final weigh in of 2011 put me at 178.5. I was happy with my results but fell short of my body fat goal. I hope to reach and maintain 11% body fat this year.

My lowest weight for 2011 was 177 pounds which I reached three times (6/7, 7/25, 11/28). My highest weight for the year was 184.5 which I reached once on 10/10. That’s a range of 7.5 pounds for the year. I’d like to keep my weight more steady in 2012 by reducing that range to 6 pounds.

My average weight for the year was 180.63. Nailed it.

Workout Data

If you like details, check out the numbers below.

Total Number of tracked workouts: 178

178 workouts (I workout once per day) means I worked out on 49% of the days of 2011. This isn’t entirely accurate. There were days I forgot my monitor and there were many weekend days I worked out when I didn’t have access to my monitor (I keep my monitor at work because I use the gym there at lunch). For example, I discovered yoga in 2011 and went mostly on weekends. I would guess that I went to 15 untracked yoga classes at the very least, probably more. However, I’ll go with the conservative number of 15. I’ll add zero workouts for the days I forgot my monitor as I didn’t forget very often and I have no good way to estimate how often that happened.

Adjusted Total Number of workouts: 193

That brings me up to 53% of the days of 2011. Not bad. I’d rather be closer to 255 total workouts but the number of times I work out is not nearly as important as how the workouts moved me toward my goal.

Total tracked time spent working out: 141 hours, 49 minutes, 12 seconds

This doesn’t really mean much but it’s fun to see how much time I actually spent working out last year.

Average workout time: 45 minutes

Because I work out at work, I can’t be away from my office for too long so I can’t push much past 45 minutes each day. I’ve learned to waste very little time and pack as much into my workouts as I can.

Total Number of calories burned: 102,717

I didn’t track the calories I ate so there is no good reference for what this means.

Average calories burned per workout: 577

That’s 12.8 calories per minute. Not too shabby.

Total Number of strength workouts: 105

Total time spent on strength workouts: 59 hours, 32 minutes, 1 second

Total Number of cardio workouts: 97

Total time spent on cardio workouts: 54 hours, 46 minutes, 8 seconds

That’s pretty balanced which is what I was aiming for. You may notice that the strength and cardio times don’t add up to the total time spent working out listed above. That’s because I tracked my cool down and stretching separately. If you want to do the math, the difference between the sum of strength and cardio and the total time is the time I spent on stretching and cool down.

You’ll also notice that the strength and cardio workouts add up to 202 workouts but that I only registered 178 workouts. Some days I did have the time to do both strength and cardio on the same day. Those were special days. Don’t tell my boss.

There you go. Way more information on my workouts than you ever wanted.

****

The Bachelor Episode #1 -- Not A Review

2012-01-03T07:00:00.000-06:00

This is where my review of The Bachelor would be if I bothered to watch the show. I did not watch the show because there were two good football games on (Rose Bowl and Fiesta Bowl). Also, my reviews are no longer appearing on Schadenfreude.net so I don’t have anyone to withhold my paychecks if I don’t post on time. Well, I will withhold my paycheck from myself but I’m okay with that since I’m collecting interest. Everybody wins.

Anyway, I’ll be back to my reviews next week. For now, you’ll have to be content with the following:

Why do The Bachelor producers always pick the lamest loser from the previous season to be the next season’s star? Are they trying to prove a point?

Helicopter never shows up in the first episode so I’m not missing anything.

Also, I’ve got a crying baby with a chapped ass who can’t get comfortable enough to sleep. Because HER ASS IS LITERALLY CHAPPED. Poor baby. The point is that I wasn’t able to watch much of the games so I wouldn’t have been able to watch much of The Bachelor.

One of Stanford’s cheerleaders is smarter than all of the contestants on The Bachelor.

****

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

2012-01-02T07:00:00.000-06:00

The most frustrating Notre Dame football season of my lifetime ended last week with a loss in the Champs Sports Bowl versus Florida State. The game perfectly encapsulated the season for the Irish. To be nice, they’re still a young team learning how to win. To be not so nice, they’re a bunch of bumbling idiots who can’t get out of their own way. Strangely, I’m still hopeful for next season.

As the Colts game started, I tweeted, “Am I rooting for a #Colts win today? I haven’t decided.” I quickly realized that I was rooting for a Colts victory even though I knew it would cost them the #1 draft pick. If there was ever an example of “how I roll” that is the best case.

Sadly, the Colts lost again and they will have the #1 pick in the draft. Now we get to hear about Andrew Luck and Peyton Manning for the next five months.

The Colts may have the top pick in the draft, but the Bears have a chance to really become a scary team with a couple of good draft picks.

I’m assuming that Urlacher’s knee is not completely destroyed.

If you think eating a single serving lasagna is depressing when you are single, try eating one when you’re married.

Somehow, I don’t think 2012 will be the year that Americans grasp the importance of primary elections.

Tebow made the playoffs! Well, his defense made the playoffs. Rather, the other teams in his division didn’t make the playoffs and someone from that division had to go. Regardless, Tebow made the playoffs exactly one week after we celebrated his birthday.

Matt Flynn made himself a ton of money yesterday.

Bengals at Texans and Lions at Saints on Saturday. Falcons at Giants and Steelers at Broncos on Sunday. Does anyone even want to watch the AFC games?

NBC is deliberately making television shows that will get cancelled after five episodes, right? Smash feels like a bad first draft of the already terrible Glee.

Just one time I want to see a coach suit up in full rain gear for the last few minutes of the fourth quarter of a big game and then taunt his players to try to drench him with ice cold Gatorade.

****

My Favorite Things of 2011

2011-12-22T12:00:00.000-06:00

As promised, I bring you my Favorite Things of 2011. Some of these things were created well before 2011. However, all of these things were enjoyed or discovered by me in 2011. I'll explain as I go along. The list:

Music

1) El Camino by The Black Keys

This album has been on repeat since a bought it a couple weeks ago. In fact, I like it so much that I found myself wishing for traffic when I went to run errands the other day so I would have more time in the car to listen to this album. This is just good Rock 'n' Roll. Put it in your earholes.

2) The Whole Love by Wilco

I may not wear skinny jeans, flannel shirts, wallet chains and have a ridiculous mustache but I've been a Wilco fan since my music-loving college buddies introduced them to me. This is not their greatest album, but it's pretty damn good. They seem to have really hit their stride and figured out how to consistently turn out great albums.

3) Nine Types of Light by TV On the Radio

I feel like TV On the Radio is a band that I shouldn't like but I love them. They do crazy, weird shit that just sticks in my head for weeks and weeks. I highly recommend checking out their "video album" that they posted on YouTube. It strings together all of the videos for all of the songs and there's a great little sketch at the end with the band. It's a cool way to listen to the album but if you'd rather not listen to the whole thing, fast forward to the sketch at the end.

4) The Grand Theater, Vol. 2 by Old 97's

Another band that I've loved since my college days. This album and The Grand Theater, Vol. 1 really call back to their early days when they were a noisy, rollicking Alt-Country band. I saw them live this year and it made me feel young and dumb again and it was good.

Podcasts

1) WTF Podcast (www.wtfpod.com)

Marc Maron, a comedian, hosts this podcast where he invites on other comedians and celebrities to discuss their lives and careers and an issues he may have with them. Maron has been a part of the comedy scene for years and years and he has had contact with nearly every comedian you've heard of. It's good stuff. Give it a listen. It's free at www.wtfpod.com

2) Mike and Tom Eat Snacks (www.nerdist.com/podcast/mike-and-tom-eat-snacks/)

Michael Ian Black and Tom Cavanagh (he played Ed in the TV series "Ed.") choose one snack per week, eat it and rate it. The snacks are basically just an excuse for Michael and Tom to banter back and forth in their witty and hilarious way. They have great chemistry and they work off each other so well and so quickly that you'll want to slow it down so you can catch every little bit of what they are saying.

3) The Nerdist (www.nerdist.com)

Chris Hardwick hosts this podcast with fellow comedians Matt Mira and Jonah Ray. They talk about all things nerd and frequently have awesome nerdy guests from all the shows and movies that nerds love. Nerd.

4) The Moth Podcast (www.themoth.org)

The Moth is a storytelling competition where regular people get up and tell true stories based on the theme of the night. No notes allowed.

5) Improvised Star Trek (www.theimprovisedstartrek.com/)

I'm not a big Star Trek fan but I've seen enough and absorbed enough about Star Trek and the sci-fi world in general that I can enjoy this podcast. Plus, my friend and hilarious improviser Sean Kelley is in it. Also, it's a short one so it's easy to fit in to your day.

Comedy

1) Hilarious -- Louis C.K.

I just realized that I bought more comedy albums this year than I did music albums. There are two comedy albums that I'm not including on this list. Fuck it, I'm putting them on the list at 5 and 6. Anyway, if you don't know who Louis C.K. is you've been living in a cave. He's widely regarded by regulars and comedians alike as the funniest man on the planet. This album is exactly what its title says even if that's not what he means. Just listen to it, you'll get it.

Also, go to www.louisck.com and buy his most recent stand-up video for $5. It's great too.

2) Finest Hour -- Patton Oswalt

I never thought I would like Patton Oswalt, but I do. The guy can tell a joke. If you don't have the time to listen to the whole damn album (which you should) definitely listen to "The Ham Incident." You will break down laughing. Dee and I did.

3) This Has To Be Funny -- Marc Maron

Yep, this is the same guy from the WTF Podcast. Maybe I like this album so much because I like his podcast but the titular line is perfectly delivered on the album and probably his funniest moment.

4) Very Famous -- Michael Ian Black

If you like Michael Ian Black, you'll love this album. This is him doing is snarky, weird thing.

5) Shakespeare -- Anthony Jeselnik

If you're the kind of person that can't laugh at death and cancer and AIDS and other horrible things, this is not for you. There is no line he will not cross and he intentionally tries to cross all lines. He comes at you with rapid fire jokes. It's all setup, punchline, repeat. Good stuff.

6) Cutting -- Amy Schumer

She likes to do dark, too. Which is why I love her but she maintains a playful tone and she's flat out funny.

Books

1) The Postmortal by Drew Magary

Humans find the cure for aging. Everyone gets the treatment. Shit goes down. Well thought out, well written, funny, clever. It's by the guy who writes for Deadspin.com.

2) The Kingkiller Chronicles Series (In the Name of the Wind and The Wise Man's Fear) by Patrick Rothfuss

I believe this is classified as Fantasy. Who cares. It's good shit. It's the tale of a young man who learns magic and goes on great adventures. I guess that describes just about everything in the genre, but this is a great tale. Rothfuss has yet to finish the third book in the series but I can't wait to get my hands on it. The first two were fantastic.

3) A Song of Ice and Fire Series (A Game of Thrones) by George R.R. Martin

Another Fantasy series. You may have heard of or seen the HBO series "A Game of Thrones." That series is based on these books. There are five that have been published and I believe there are two more (possibly three) that remain. The first two are fantastic and dark and twisted and super involved. I was worried about being able to remember the names and stories of all the characters but the characters are so memorable that it's not hard at all. Everyone who knows about this will tell you it is awesome.

1) Breaking Bad

I'd heard about this show but never dove in until this year. I started with the first season and worked my way all the way through the next two seasons before watching the just completed fourth season as it aired. It's dark, gritty and intense. Highly recommended.

2) The Wire

Okay, I'm super late to the party on this. HBO introduced their HBO Go app which allows subscribers to watch HBO programs (past and present) on their computers or phones. I took advantage of this and watched every season of The Wire. It's as good as everyone says. I love me a good cop show and this is by far the best cop show I've ever seen. In fact, it may just be the best show of all time. Okay, maybe it's in a tie with Breaking Bad.

iPhone Apps

1) Downcast

Downcast allows me to search out and manage my podcasts on my iPhone and iPad so I don't have to go searching all over the web for my podcasts. They download when they are available and they're ready for me to listen to whenever I want. I use it nearly every day.

2) Evernote

Do you need to remember things? Do you have stuff you need to keep track of? Are you creative? Do you write? You need this app. You don't know it yet, but it will save your ass. Evernote will store and make searchable anything that you need to keep track of. Anytime I have an idea for a blog post, I pull up Evernote on my phone or computer and jot it down. Evernote then syncs with the cloud so that I can have access to my notes at all times no matter where I am. You can take clips of web pages, you can snap photos of things and if they have text in them, Evernote will recognize the text and make it searchable. If you're the kind of person that tracks receipts, it's perfect for that. I use this multiple times a day (I'm using it right now!) and it's free!

3) Tiny Wings

A game for the iPhone. You guide a little bird with tiny wings through a land of hills and valleys. You have to use the hills to help him fly. It sounds dumb, but it's totally addicting.

4) Google Voice

This allows you to set up a phone number and manage that phone number however you want. Does Greg annoy the shit out of you? Set Google Voice to automatically send Greg's calls to voice mail. Then Google Voice will transcribe Greg's voice mail and send it to you in email so you don't even have to listen to his dumb voice. I use it to send calls from our front gate to both my phone and Dee's phone so we never miss a package or food delivery. It also has all sorts of other awesome features, but I'll let you go to the site and read about them. Also, it's free.

I know it's a little too late to run out and get some of these things for your loved ones, but do it anyway because all of these things are awesome and it doesn't matter when you get them because they're awesome year-round.

****

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

2011-12-19T07:00:00.000-06:00

Miracles do happen! The Colts beat the Titans 27-13!

Tim Tebow lost yesterday. That means America will stop believing in God, right?

Tim Tebow’s stat line from yesterday’s game: 11-22 for 194 yards passing, 0 touchdowns, 0 interceptions, 2 fumbles (1 lost). Twelve rushes for 93 yards and two touchdowns. Nineteen handoffs for 159 yards and one touchdown. Approximately 55 prayer-inspired tackles and one prayer-inspired 26-yard field goal. One loss.

Here are the early games you got to choose from this week. Imagine you didn’t know the outcomes:

Dolphins @ Bills — The battle for last place in the AFC East!

Seahawks @ Bears — Who likes terrible quarterbacks?

Panthers @ Texans — We dress like two Arena League teams!

Titans @ Colts — We can’t stop the run! Neither can we!

Packers @ Chiefs — Let’s watch Neckbeard (Kyle Orton) lead another terrible offense!

Saints @ Vikings — Will the Saints score 70?

Redskins @ Giants — Rex Grossman! Still playing quarterback!

Bengals @ Rams — Will the Rams even bother to show up?

A couple of those games turned out to be pretty good — Packers at Chiefs and Redskins at Giants — but the rest were stinkers.

Let’s not even talk about the Thursday (Falcons 41, Jags 14) and Saturday (Cowboys 31, Bucs 15) games. Yikes.

Dee can’t get over the fact that the NFL Network called the Saturday night game, “A special Saturday night presentation of Thursday Night Football.”

I also think it’s stupid but I’ve let it go.

With the Colts’ win and the Packers’ loss, there are no more zeroes in the NFL standings. I’m not counting the zero in the tens, smartass.

Strangely, the Colts last two games (vs. Houston, at Jacksonville) are actually winnable. They may still play themselves right out of that #1 pick.

My one piece of breaking Notre Dame news: I could really use another pair of these super comfortable Notre Dame sweatpants.

How do the Ravens get Ray Lewis back and then decide to completely roll over against the Chargers?

Guys, don’t watch the Johnny Knox injury. It’s amazing that he still has the use of any of his limbs.

Al Michaels says “Cleveland” like it’s the punchline to a sarcastic joke about the greatest city in America.

Isn’t Joe Flacco supposed to have a cannon for an arm? Why does he always check down to Ray Rice? I know Ray Rice is really good and checking down to him is a good option, but Flacco doesn’t throw the ball to anyone else.

Do they make TVs that allow you to divide the screen into quarters and watch four shows at once? I ask because I’m in the midst of planning my man cave that I hope to eventually have sometime in the not-so-near future. I also plan to install a courtesy sweatpants closet so all guests can slip into their own pair of sweatpants. I want my guests to be comfortable.

Also, do you want to be my friend? I’ll need someone to come over and marvel at my yet to exist man cave.

I haven’t watched the 49ers play all year. However, I did see Stanford play twice so I’m pretty sure I’m up to speed on how they play. I guess we’ll see tonight.

****

Neglect

2011-12-16T07:00:00.000-06:00

Have I been neglecting this blog? No. Yes. Yes, I have. More importantly, I have been neglecting you, Mindsilt.com Reader. (Is it okay that I’ve stolen that bit from Schadenfreude.net? I think it’s okay since my work appeared there consistently for over a year.) You are the people I am most concerned about neglecting. A blog has no feelings. A blog can’t come up to me and say, “Jeff, I’ve sunken into a mild depression because I miss your posts.”* A blog isn’t disappointed when no one is clicking on its frond end to read or on its back end to post. A blog waits patiently and responds when — and only when — called upon. Readers are an entirely different beast. You have feelings. You can come up to me and talk about your depression. You can be disappointed when you check Mindsilt.com or Google Reader or your own Blogger.com blog and see that nothing new has appeared in several weeks. However fleeting those feelings might be, you have them. Except for those of you who aren’t capable of feelings. You feel nothing and that’s not normal. You should talk to someone about that. Preferably a professional, but I am here for you if you need me.** Anyway, I don’t want you to feel those feelings. I want you to feel the feelings of satisfaction and joy when you realize that I have posted something new to Mindsilt.com. I want those feelings to last at least until you start reading. Ideally, they’ll last for the entire time that you are reading but I can’t make those kinds of promises.

I think you get my meaning.

I apologize for the neglect. I hope to rectify the problem with some good and interesting posts before the end of the year. I’ll even do an Oprah-style “Favorite Things” post except I won’t be giving anything away to my audience. I’m also busy crunching numbers based on my workouts and fitness for the year. That will probably only be interesting to you, Brian. Plus, I think The Bachelor is coming back in January so you can look forward to those reviews, too.

I haven’t forgotten about you, Mindsilt.com Reader. I appreciate your readership so much that I want to gently stroke your cheek with the back of my hand and open mouth kiss your bellybutton.

Don’t give up on me. I haven’t given up on you.

*No one has ever in the history of the world come up to me and said, “Jeff, I’ve sunken into a mild depression because I miss your posts.” However, that doesn’t mean that people aren’t feeling that way.

**I’ll probably just listen patiently and then tell you to speak with a professional. Of course, I mean a professional psychiatrist or psychologist. I am merely a professional project manager. They don’t have Gantt Charts for feelings.

****

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

2011-12-12T07:00:00.000-06:00

Bears-Broncos: Who likes punting?!

Do Tebow fans have a clever/slightly religious nickname yet? If not, I nominate Tebowtees. You know, like devotees. You're welcome, Internets.

Why does Fox insist on putting Tony Siragusa on the sidelines when he chimes in like he's in the booth? Is he too fat to climb the stairs?

Even the God-fearing Tony Dungy said, "This isn't about Tim Tebow winning this game. It's about the Bears losing the game." Aside from the folks at Deadspin, this is the first reasonable thing I've heard the media say about Tebow in the last three weeks.

By the way, I think this Tebow winning streak is hilarious. It should come to an end next week agains the Patriots but if it doesn't, they'll win the last two as well. The Broncos defense and running game is too good to lose to the Bills and Chiefs.

Andrew Luck wore a Johnny Unitas Colts jersey to an award ceremony this past week. Folks should probably get used to him in those colors.

I did not watch the Army-Navy game this weekend for three reasons: 1) I hate America. 2) I like when teams pass. 3) I was busy catching up on It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia and The League.

I officially quit The Office. It's been terrible this season.

Parks & Rec has been fantastic, however. Consistently hilarious.

I'm also sad that they're putting Community "on the shelf." All my favorite shows get cancelled.

It's the Rams and the Seahawks on Monday Night Football. ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!

Robert Griffin III has done more for the novelty sock industry than any other famous figure in history. He's also pretty good at football.

We all knew that the Cowboys were going to miss that second kick after the timeout, right? That game couldn't finish any other way after last week. I say we make it three in a row next week.

I didn't watch the game, but how in the fuck did Jacksonville score 41 points?

When the Falcons got down big to the Panthers, they decided to run the ball instead of panicking and going into comeback mode. What happened? They came back and won the game. There's a lesson here somewhere but I'm to lazy to figure it out.

Green Bay will eat your children if they are in the way of their quest for the Super Bowl.

****

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

2011-12-05T09:00:00.000-06:00

Tennis has the whole line tracker thing, why can't the NFL and college adopt or adapt the technology for goal line situations? Or invent their own technology? At the very least, we should have mandatory goal line cameras.

Good news! Notre Dame didn't lose this weekend.

I didn't watch much of the Colts game. I gave up when it was 31-3. How did the Colts score 24? Seriously. I didn't think they were capable of scoring that many points in three weeks.

BCS thoughts.

As I'm writing this, another Detroit Lion just got flagged for smacking a guy in the head after the whistle. Is there any doubt that Jim Schwartz is teaching this? Why is Collinsworth surprised? He should be calling out the coaches.

By the end of the game, there were at least three more unsportsmanlike conduct penalties and yet Collinsworth never called out the coaches for having out of control players.

First Jay Cutler's thumb and now Matt Forte's knee? The Bears season just went from playoffs to, you know, not the playoffs.

That HTC phone commercial where New York buildings are blowing up while the dude walks by unscathed, not only makes zero sense but is pretty insensitive to those who lost loved ones when real buildings in New York blew up.

Tight Ends are always a major mismatch for defenses. Why hasn't anyone started playing these exact types on defense to cover them?

I hear the new Muppet movie is fantastic. I'll probably wait for the DVD. Then I'll wait even longer because I won't realize it's gone to DVD and one night Dee and I will rent it on iTunes and fall asleep watching it. So it goes with a baby.

Gotta love the Cowboys icing their own kicker. Especially since he made the field goal. I'm shocked Jerry Jones didn't fire Jason Garrett on the spot.

The Fighting Tebows just keep winning and John Elway and John Fox just keep crying themselves to sleep.

Now that the Bears have zero talented offensive starters, expect more of the same next week when the Broncos face the Bears.

The Colts at 0-12 have only scored 174 points all season. That's 14.5 a game. Believe it or not, but three teams have scored fewer points than the Colts. The Chiefs (163), the Rams (140) and the Jaguars (138). Granted, the Jags have played one fewer game than the Colts but it still averages out to 12.5 points per game. That's some real bad offense.

I'm glad that everyone has finally stopped talking about how tough the NFC East is.

The 49ers and the Packers have already won their divisions. Thankfully, the 49ers are going to push the Packers to keep winning in order to gain home field advantage in the playoffs.

Also, it's going to be a short drive to Indianapolis for all those Packers fans who go to the Super Bowl.

Is the best team in the AFC the Patriots again? Is it? The Steelers? What a mess.

People are upset about the Alabama-LSU rematch in the National Championship game and say that we need a playoff. Here's my question: If we had a four team playoff and Alabama and LSU still ended up in the National Championship game would everyone suddenly be okay with that? If so, why? Because they each won an extra game?

****

Father and Daughter: A Comparison

2011-11-29T07:00:00.000-06:00

For most of Scarlett's life I've heard, "She looks so much like Dee!" That's fine. A daughter should probably look more like her mother, but she probably also looks like her father just a little bit. For those who didn't see it, I submit the following:

Scarlett at two months

Me at two months

Feel free to form your own opinion.

****

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

2011-11-28T07:00:00.000-06:00

Some thoughts on Notre Dame-Stanford and the Notre Dame season in general:

The Irish finished their season by losing to Stanford 28-14. Even though Andrew Luck gave them the gift of a bad interception and a short field, they squandered it by not putting any points on the board. Pretty typical of this season for the Irish.

Notre Dame finished 8-4. That’s one game better than last year’s 7-5. Of course, everyone was expecting 10-2 so a good portion of the fan base is pissed and they’re already calling for Brian Kelly’s job. Me? I think it’s a little early to fire the guy, but today’s society isn’t exactly known for its patience. Plus, 15+ years of bad to mediocre football doesn’t get solved in two seasons.

For the first time since I graduated we have a defensive line that can change a game. They’re very young which means they make some mistakes but they’re also very young so they’ll have lots of time to get even better.

Until the center Braxton Cave got hurt our offensive line was doing a fantastic job. They had a six game streak where they didn’t give up a sack. Once Cave got hurt the line struggled and the offense struggled with them.

If you’re trying to re-create a winning program that’s been pretty mediocre for nearly 20 years, vastly improving the offensive and defensive line play is a great place to start.

A large portion of the Notre Dame fan base thinks Dayne Crist should have been starting at quarterback instead of Tommy Rees. Personally, I preferred Tommy. With Dayne I spent way too much time screaming, “Make a decision!”

Andrew Hendrix sure was fun to watch. I have a feeling we’ll see a lot of him in the bowl game.

Speaking of the bowl game, I sure do hope our backup center, Mike Golic, Jr., gets a whole lot better. The opposing team is going to send everyone they’ve got right at him whenever they need a big play.

The early rumors are that Notre Dame will be playing Florida State in the Champs Sports Bowl. That seems about right.

How about them Colts? They waited until the very end of the game before they decided to lose. Usually they wrap it up some time in the second quarter.

It’s clear that God doesn’t give a damn about football unless Tim Tebow is playing.

Also, God doesn’t exist.

If the Bears had a real wide receiver they’d be scary. With a healthy Jay Cutler, that is.

Is anyone else disappointed that the NBA finally came to an agreement? I was totally looking forward to not missing the NBA at all.

I’ll tell you who is disappointed: The NHL.

The only thing that might keep my Andrew Luck/Andy Reid dream from happening for the Colts is that their crazy owner may not fire Jim Caldwell even if he loses every single game.

Didn’t it seem like Andy Reid was asking to be fired during his postgame press conference?

No surprise, but people who watch Fox News know less about what’s going on in the world than the people who watch no news at all.

Remember Barry Sanders? The most exciting player of my lifetime. Sorry, Bears fans. Devin Hester doesn’t touch the ball enough.

Who is going to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl? The Patriots? Ravens? Steelers? Does anyone really think that any of those teams can beat the Packers?

I went into a gas station in Indiana and saw two old men sitting at tables by the window smoking cigarettes. Indoors! It was like I time-warped back to 2001 or something.

If the NFL season ended right now, I would be sad.

****

Dancing With the Stars Finalé

2011-11-22T07:00:00.000-06:00

We’ve finally come to the end. Tonight is the last episode of the season (for my purposes) and it will be the last episode of Dancing With the Stars that I will watch. Ever. I quit. I’m not reviewing this show anymore. I’ve punished myself for too long and now it’s time for me to do something good for myself — like watch football.

Anyway, the dancers will probably be dancing about thirteen different dances tonight but the only one they mention is the Freestyle. Pretty sure that title is self explanatory. Not that I will be able to tell the difference.

Also, Hope went home last week. Despite her sexy legs I won’t miss her at all.

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Cha Cha

The lady judge comes in to help Ricki be more sexy. This involves the lady judge pointing at Ricki’s face and saying, “Yeah.” Real deep stuff. Also, kinda unsexy.

Unless someone falls down, everyone is going to get a standing ovation after their song. That’s just how the finals works. The old judge said, “Good timing, good rhythm. It’s a dance deserving of the finals.” When did he get nice? The gay judge said, “Running at full steam, you’ve never been hotter, you’ve never been sexier. Fantastic.” All of those things are probably true. The lady judge said, “You are looking fierce. There’s a difference between performing a dance and living a dance and tonight you were living the dance.” Living the Dance, the Ricki Lake Story.

Freestyle

Ricki wants to pull out all the stops for the Freestyle. Of course, she freaks out every time Derek wants to do a lift. Derek decides that he wants to do his best Maks impression so he treats her like shit because she “responds well” to that. He knows she’s a victim of abuse, right? Yeah, things just got real.

If Ricki wins it’s because Derek really knows how to choreograph for this show. The old judge said, “It was fun, entertaining. You lost it a bit in the middle but overall it was great.” The gay judge said, “All of the explosives coming out and they’re never going back in.” Did she poop? The lady judge said, “I love that you went from the Salsa to the Quickstep.” That sounds like high praise to me.

My score: I really hope she pooped. What a way to go out.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Waltz

If Rob Kardashian is one of your finalists, you’re having a bad season, Dancing With the Stars. The gay judge comes in to help Rob learn how to dance “like a prince.” This involves wearing tight jeans and garish belts.

I’m pretty sure they are dancing to the song that his sister and her now ex-husband danced to at their wedding. Wouldn’t it be great if that was true? Especially if you heard the terrible song they are dancing to. Also, I haven’t mentioned how bad the band is recently. They’re awful. The gay judge said, “You were flowing, you were glowing. You messed up some of the footwork.” Cue screaming attention seeking sister. The lady judge said, “You’re the male version of Cinderella.” You mean he has three wicked sisters that try to keep him down and… Yeah, I guess she’s right. The old judge said, “You had good hold, good posture you had more rise and fall than Pam Anderson jogging. It was simple but it was simply beautiful.” The old judge is a bit of a perv.

Freestyle

She wants to work to his strengths so she’s going to start with the slow, super boring dances. Then they’ll do three seconds of fast.

They dance to “Minnie the Moocher” and they don’t make any references to Blues Brothers which both shocks and impresses me. The gay judge said, “Brilliant content, brilliant execution, brilliant performance.” He’s handing out 10s like candy tonight. The lady judge said, “This show is often won with the Freestyle but you have to blow us away. Consider me blown.” Really? Did she just say that on TV? The old judge said, “A moocher is someone who always takes and never gives, but you’ve just given your all.” Yes, but was it any good?

My score: If he wins this, they should immediately cancel the next season.

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Cha Cha

He got an X-ray and his ankle is good. The old judge comes in to actually give J.R. Some dance pointers. He points at his butt a lot and moves his feet around like a real live dance instructor. No face pointing or belt wearing for this guy. He’s the real deal, folks.

What a weird dance. Karina choked as a choreographer. The lady judge said, “The crowd falls in love with your spirit, however your musicality was a bit off.” Just say he was off beat. The old judge said, “I thought it was brave that you did a lot of that dance on your own. This wasn’t that good. You went off time.” Brave? No, poor choreography. The gay judge said, “I really like the mood you set. Your hands were out of place, yes.” Were they growing out of his knees?

Freestyle

They are doing a Salsa inspired routine and a lot of crazy tricks. To try to add tension, they show Karina bailing on the tricks in the morning rehearsal. We may see our first live neck break on television.

They dress J.R. in a hoodie with the hood up so he looks street. Then they actually pull off the crazy tricks even if they don’t do a very good dance. She makes him dance all by himself again. What is her problem? The lady judge said, “I have one thing you say, ‘You wind it up, you wind it up.’” Well put. The old judge said, “Two things were revealed. Karina’s body and your talent.” Yes, Karina was wearing practically nothing. The gay judge said, “It was like a jungle, tribal, hypnotic something, something.” He’s completely lost his shit. Thank god it’s the last dance ever.

My score: Sweet, sweet relief. I won’t miss you, Dancing With the Stars.

****

Dancing With the Stars Week 9 - A Review

2011-11-15T07:00:00.000-06:00

America finally sent home that awful bitch Nancy Grace. Now we don’t ever again have to have her befoul our home with her raging bitchiness. I didn’t care for her.

The stars will be doing three dances tonight. They’re calling it the semi-finals. Does that mean that this is finally over next week? I hope that’s exactly what it means because this is the last season of this show I will ever review. Ever.

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Paso Doble

Hope has pain in her shoulder. Her repaired labrum in her right shoulder is giving her trouble. A doctor comes in and dopes her up so she can get through the rehearsals. She says, “I was hoping to save these shots for the Olympics.” Yes, let’s compare the importance of Dancing With the Stars with the Olympics. Maks is finally being nice to her. Maybe it’s because she just got stuck with an enormous needle.

They take a good two minutes at the beginning of the dance to just walk around. Because she can’t dance. She then does her absolute best to look even more awkward than Faith Hill during the Sunday Night Football intro. The old judge said, “You had attitude, you had aggression but you lost control.” Also, coordination. The gay judge said, “You were unchained, untamed. You were out of control.” Also, out of coordination. The lady judge said, “You nailed the character. The hold was out of sync. The grace and fluidity suffered.” Also, my eyes suffered.

Argentine Tango

This is where we get the clips of their childhood. Surprise! Hope was a tom boy! Then her father kidnaped her and her brother and was lead away in handcuffs. She met him again as a homeless man who wandered into one of her soccer games. We then see all of her soccer friends say, “She’s a competitor.”

She’s dressed in a sexy little number and lounges around on the judges table to start the dance. Maks picks her up into an awkward lift. Then they do awkward lift after awkward lift because Maks knows she can’t dance. My wife just kept saying, “Oh, no.” The old judge said, “Well, I thought it was far better than the Paso Doble. I wasn’t disappointed.” Only because his expectations are so low. The gay judge said, “Much better, full on display of athleticism, very sexy.” We were looking for a full on display of dancing, however. The lady judge said, “There was definitely more fluidity to your movement this time, but going in and out of the lifts are a trick.” A poorly executed trick.

My score: Overstayed welcome.

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Paso Doble

DRAMA ALERT: J.R. rolls his ankle. Will this be the end for J.R.? Will he finally fall out of favor with the judges and voters? Does anyone actually give a shit?.

He’s dressed as Zorro, mask and all. It looks like Karina’s dumbed down the dance so that he can handle it on a bum ankle. After the dance, he’s clearly in pain. The gay judge said, “I could feel the thrill and excitement of the chase. Dressed up, ready to kill.” Kill with a limp. The lady judge said, “I give you so much credit for attacking that dance with a hurt ankle.” You credit won’t feed the family, lady. The old judge said, “Certain dances suit you certain dances don’t. This dance didn’t suit you at all.” The Zorro suit looks dashing, though.

Argentine Tango

We’re going to hear his story again? The viewers of this program aren’t so dumb that they’ll be all, “Oooohhhh, that’s how is face got that way.” After his story we see a series of nobody soap opera actors telling us how great he is. We don’t need a bunch of nobodies to tell us what we already know.

I guess the Argentine Tango involves a bunch of lifts. That seems to be all they are doing and it’s hiding his bum ankle well. The gay judge said, “Strong, fearless. It was incredible, the sexual interplay with the two of you was great.” Wait. Did I miss the porn portion of the dance? The lady judge said, “There was a true fire burning between the two of you.” Wait. Did I miss the open flame portion of the dance? The old judge said, “It had mood, it had intensity, I was transported to the back streets of Buenos Aries.” Wait. Did I miss the rich white guy going to a shady neighborhood in Buenos Aries portion of the dance?

My score: I wish I’d missed every portion of the dance.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Samba

Rob feels the pressure from J.R. and says all sorts of other uninteresting things. You know, because he’s a Kardashian.

They come rolling out on a float shaking maracas. This show has no shame. For the first time all season, he looks like he knows what he’s doing. It’s the worst possible time for J.R. to twist an ankle. In the least surprising development of the season, Rob’s mom is there. The lady judge said, “Booty, booty, booty, booty.” Gross. The old judge said, “Once you got on the floor I was saying ‘Oh yes.” Gross. The gay judge said, “That’s how you turn a handicap into an asset. Keep going, Rob.” Gross.

Argentine Tango

As if we don’t know the fucking back story to a Kardashian. You’ll never guess that his annoying sisters tortured him. Then his dad died to get away from Rob’s annoying sisters. Most of his story is about doing Dancing With the Stars because it’s the closest thing to a challenge he’s ever faced in his life.

He danced to the rejected Monday Night Football theme. Anyway, it was boring. The lady judge said, “There’s no way to fake good dancing. There was no faking involved.” Gross. The old judge said, “It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish.” Really gross. The gay judge said, “You started out as a goofy outsider, now you’re a leading man.” Weird.

My score: Seriously. Gross.

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Samba

Ricki’s decided that she just needs to have fun because actually caring about something will make her interesting. She gets all weird about the lifts just like every non-pro girl on this show. Get over it. You’re skinny now.

She’s dressed like a canary. The crowd goes wild. Not because they like canaries but because she danced well. The old judge said, “No flames, no floats, no funny costumes. Fabulous. You’re straight into the finals.” Was she ever gay? I’m confused. The gay judge said, “Sizzling, hot, bright and brilliant from the beginning to the end.” He might have been talking about his breakfast. The lady judge said, “I saw you working the shoulders the whole time.” I guess that means something because she gets three tens.

Argentine Tango

They’re pitching these stories as “where they get their competitive drive.” Ricki was molested as a child. Then she did Hairspray. She turned to food to drown her sorrows. Not from Hairspray, from the abuse. Then she got her own talk show. After her divorce in 2003 she moved to LA. Good plan. When things get real, move to the least real place in the world.

It’s a real bad week for J.R. to roll and ankle. She nails it again. The old judge said, “Lovely contrast of movement. The lifts were just part of the dance.” Right, that’s the deal. The gay judge said, “Totally transported into the underworld of Buenos Aries. Spot on.” Again, has he ever been to the underworld of Buenos Aries? The lady judge said, “What I see in you is the core strength developing. You’ve always had the passion and now you have the pop.” Pop, an essential ingredient in dance.

My score: More shoulder!

The Cha-Cha Relay

One song will be played and each team will dance a portion of the song before handing off to the next team. The winning team gets 10 points, second place gets 8 points, third 6, and last 4. Ricki goes first. She looks a little hesitant. Hope goes next and she’s totally awkward, as usual. No doubt she’s getting last place. J.R. is next and he definitely looks like his ankle is really bothering him. Rob is last and he does just fine.

The old judge said, “I think the whole night has been like going out for a fine dinner. My winner isn’t going to be their winner.” Dinners with the old judge must be weird. The gay judge said, “A fantastic show. Everybody did very well.” He just cuts to the core. The lady judge said, “It is really fantastic that we get to watch you all one after another. It was a surprise tonight.” That means J.R. didn’t do well.

The results:

4^th — Hope and Maks

3^rd — J.R. and Karina

2^nd — Ricki and Derek

1^st — Rob and Cheryl

Too bad the points don’t actually mean anything.

****

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

2011-11-14T07:00:00.000-06:00

Notre Dame destroyed Maryland 45-21. Maryland played as badly as their uniforms looked. Notre Dame played much better than their uniforms looked. Finally, the only thing worth complaining about is what the team was wearing.

Once again, the Notre Dame game was played at the same time as the premiere matchup of the day, Oregon at Stanford. This time it wasn’t ESPN’s fault, the blame falls on NBC for scheduling a night game.

Dee arrived home after a day of visiting the family and asked me, “Did the Colts play today?” I replied, “Well. They took the field.”

The worst part about the Colts game is that the Jaguars couldn’t bother to put the Colts away until four minutes remained in the fourth quarter. Yeah, I kept watching until four minutes remained in the fourth quarter. Don’t ask me why.

That was Jacksonville’s third win? Amazing. That team is awful. Not as bad as the Colts, though.

If you’re going to make dinner for guests sometime in the future it’s always good to do a test run first in case you, I don’t know, fill the house full of smoke.

Penn State did the right thing by firing Joe Paterno. Paterno has proven that his judgement can no longer be trusted. In 2002 he failed to stop a child molester. In 2011 he repeatedly showed poor judgement by refusing to acknowledge the gravity of the situation. He should have immediately stepped down citing his unwillingness to act. He should have told the students rallying on his lawn to go home and do something good for humanity. He should have condemned the protests and “riots” over his firing. He did none of these and instead basked in the cheers of the misguided students. Allowing this man to coach on Saturday would have meant that the University endorsed these actions. You can’t entrust the care of other peoples’ children to a man who has lost his ability to make good judgements.

Besides, when was the last time he actually coached a football team? It certainly wasn’t for win number 409 where he sat alone in the press box with no headset and spoke to no one the entire game.

On the same note and a totally different note all at once, this is a great article about how my parents’ generation has failed us.

If my child ever has to write a check we have failed as a society.

So Philadelphia lost to Arizona. What’s next? Mike Vick doing something stupid and going back to jail? If this keeps going, the Colts could end up with Andrew Luck and Andy Reid.

Tony Romo is going to play well enough down the stretch to continue to be the Cowboys’ starting quarterback, thereby guaranteeing that they’ll never, ever win a Super Bowl.

The Ravens three loses have come against Tennessee, Jacksonville and Seattle. Remember when teams like that were lucky to get a first down against the Ravens? Those days are gone.

Jim Schwartz is bad at his job. He kicked the ball to Devin Hester three times. Three times! Who is that stupid? Jim Schwartz, that’s who.

I can only hope there are other coaches dumb enough to keep kicking the ball to Devin Hester. Easily the most exciting player in football. I love that the home crowd clearly expects him to score a touchdown every time he returns a kick.

If anyone besides the Packers win the Super Bowl this year it will be a miracle.
****

The Friday Roundup

2011-11-11T07:00:00.000-06:00

Sure, I’ve been slacking off but that doesn’t mean I have to slack off every single week. Not this one, anyway. Oops, Friday Roundup.

This Week in Mindsilt

Monday:

I gave you my weekend football thoughts and other things.

Tuesday:

Another review of Dancing With the Stars. God this show sucks.

Thursday:

It was Thursday and that was all I had.

Tweet of the Week

From Rob Delaney:

People who wear Sketchers Shape-Ups will give you their car if you ask, because they’re stupid.

See it here.

Video of the Week

A dam is breached and a reservoir is drained. Pretty cool.

****

Thursday

2011-11-10T07:00:00.000-06:00

It's Thursday. That's all I’ve got. I don't have anything else floating around in my head. Nothing at all. Just the day. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. It's pretty pathetic to not have anything in your head other than the day of the week. But at least I know what day it is. That’s something. Of course, I can just look at the calendar. But I didn't. I knew it. I knew that today is Thursday. How did I know? Because yesterday was Wednesday. Thursday always comes after Wednesday. It has for my whole lifetime, anyway. I have no reason to expect that Thursday won't come after Wednesday. So I assume that today is Thursday. Calendars and things seem to confirm that it is Thursday, so I'm pretty certain that today is Thursday. If it's not I certainly do hope that someone will let me know. I'm not sure how it will change things if today isn't Thursday but it seems like it will be a big deal. I mean, this is a pattern that we've been following for a very long time so to break that pattern would be weird and significant. There'd probably have to have been some kind of major world-wide coup or takeover. Our new world ruler would have had to made his first action to change the naming of the days. That's the only real reason I can think of why today wouldn't be Thursday. The only other explanation I can think of is that we're all dead and there are no longer any real days anymore. We're all just in some kind of Lost-esque limbo where we all need to do whatever we can to move on to the next stage of death. Of course this limbo is way more boring and way less poignant than Lost's limbo. No matter, it wouldn't really be Thursday. It would seem like Thursday but it would actually not be Thursday. Though, there's not really a difference between it actually being Thursday and it seeming like Thursday in a limbo world. Thursday is a human construct. It doesn’t exist outside our heads. It's just what the day is called. Someone could have called it Clumperman and I would be writing about Clumperman instead of Thursday. Anyway, it's Thursday and that's all I've got.

Dancing With the Stars Week 8 - A Review

2011-11-08T07:00:00.000-06:00

David Arquette went home last week. Really, America? Really?! Are you stupid? Yes. Yes, you are stupid. Why would you let that miserable bitch Nancy Grace hang around any longer? My faith in bad television watching humanity has been shattered.

The dancers will be doing two dances this week. The second dance will be the dreaded “instant dance.” Queue ominous music.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Quickstep

Rob really wants to focus this week so he asks Cheryl to be hard on him. Then we see clips of Cheryl actually teaching dance. Now I know why we never see the pros actually teaching dance.

He still looks like he’s doing dance by numbers. Are the dances longer now? This one certainly felt that way. The old judge said, “The opening section was terrible. Your best dance so far.” Terrible = best, I guess. The gay judge said, “You were speedier than a drag race. Best lines you’ve done so far.” Lines? Did I miss him doing coke? The lady judge said, “You were polished, elegant, smooth.” He got three nines and Tom Bergeron said, “You had the best week of any Kardashian.” Well played, sir.

Instant Jive

They get “Maneater” by Hall & Oates. They then show Cheryl and Rob rehearsing their “instant Jive” routine. Isn’t that cheating? This isn’t an instant dance at all. It’s just instant music. I’m not impressed. Rob opens the dance by standing on the judges table and then flopping across the floor. Like a fish. The old judge said, “You did great. Sharpen up the feet.” The gay judge said, “Your arms are getting better but the kicks need work.” I completely agree. The lady judge said, “I’m still recovering from the booty shaking.” So is he.

My score: Maneater, indeed.

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Quickstep

Maks apologizes to Hope for being too hard on her last week. She just wants him to be more gentle. He does dial it back a bit but he becomes passive-aggressive instead of angry. He takes Hope to meet his family because he’s worried about his reputation. At one point Maks’ dad says, “You cried a lot.” As annoying as it is, it’s not nearly as bad as Maks screaming at her every week.

They dress her up like Mary Poppins. You know, because they can. She looks like she’s having more fun but fun does not equal good. The gay judge said, “It’s a night of miracles. You never moved so well. Your best dance yet.” The lady judge gave her a hug and said, “That’s what dancing is all about.” The old judge said, “It’s your best dance, you fulfilled your potential.” The judges have given up at this point.

Instant Jive

Hope will be dancing to “The Best Damn Thing” by Avril Levigne. No one knows this song. She struggles without a song to dance to. She’s wants to redeem herself from her first crappy Jive. It’s frantic and crazy and she kinda stops at one point in the middle. What a weird fucking song. Why was this in the song bucket? The gay judge said, “The fast and the furious.” Is he just naming random movies now? The lady judge said, “Definite improvement from last time. Your hands were a little crazy.” So are her eyes. The old judge said, “I sit here between these two and no one boos them. This was fantastic.” Then he rants like the gay judge. Crowd goes wild. I don’t know what’s going on.

My score: Kumbaya

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Waltz

Ricki is stressed out. You know, because she’s basically Kirstie Alley. She goes to an event and meets Jennifer Grey and they talk about Dancing With the Stars. Yes, we want to see washed up stars talking about a show where they unsuccessfully try to revive their career.

She dances to “Natural Woman” and floats around and with weird ‘50s hair. The lady judge said, “Your movements are exquisite. You lose yourself completely.” I’m lost, too. Lost in boring. The old judge said, “It was like a river. Beautifully executed the whole way through. Unless you nail your footwork you’ll never get a 10 from me.” Ouch. Good review tinged with a sting. The gay judge said, “It was absolutely beautiful.” Not really.

Instant Jive

Ricki has to dance to “Land of 1000 Dances” by Wilson Pickett. They pull the stunt of trying to amp up the crowd instead of dancing at the beginning. Smart move by Derek. Then she and Derek go crazy. So crazy that she gets lost. She’s still better than everyone but J.R. The lady judge said, “There were a few little stops and starts.” Translation: You screwed up. The old judge said, “It was good.” What’s wrong with Old Judge? I feel like he’s given up. The gay judge said, “Some sections didn’t flow together.” Like the waving at the crowd part?

My score: Remember when Jennifer Grey was famous?

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Tango

She opens her clip by saying, “Tristan is very sensitive about me not listening.” Right. Because you’re an awful bitch about it. She looks like hell in all her individual interviews. Seriously, I think she might have pneumonia. It doesn’t help that everything she says is annoying.

They put her in a really short dress that makes her look even more bitchy. She’s awkward and terrible. The old judge said, “You’ve been on a plateau, now up you’ve gone.” Is English is first language? The gay judge said, “You brazen jezebel. It was the right attitude.” English is definitely not his first language. The lady judge said, “You’re the friskiest little girl I’ve ever met.” That’s the nicest way to say “you’re a bitch.” I’ve ever heard. She has a firm grasp of English.

Instant Jive

She opens this clip by saying, “You don’t have a full time job and I do.” What a fucking bitch. Send her home, send her home, send her home. She’s is lost from the very beginning of the dance. Then she does a cartwheel at the end and begs the judges for good scores. I bet you to send her home. The old judge said, “Yours is a Cinderella story but for me, it’s midnight and it’s time to go home.” He’s back! The gay judge said, “It has to be sharp and tight and compact. It was laid back and loose.” Opposites! The lady judge said, “You got lost in the choreography.” Or maybe she got lost in her cold, black heart.

My score: Slay the beast.

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Waltz

He wants to get the first 30 of this season. I’m sure he’ll do it with the way they’re handing out high scores tonight. It’s a little pathetic how badly Karina wants to win this season. No, it’s a lot pathetic.

He’s good. That’s his deal. The gay judge said, “It was like a musical Valentine card.” Aren’t there actual musical Valentine’s Day cards now? The lady judge said, “Tonight something happened in the middle that was just magic.” The middle of what, exactly? She’s clearly hitting on him. The old judge said, “Just like the soldier you are, you came back all guns blazing.” He’s clearly hitting on him. He gets three 10s.

Instant Jive

Last time J.R. And Karina got marked down for not doing a proper Jive. He wants to nail it and he does. The gay judge shouted unintelligibly and said, “Sensational!” The lady judge said, “You are in a class all your own.” The old judge said, “You’ve got the X Factor and the feel good factor mixed together and you came out with the most fantastic Jive.” Three more 10s. Please, let’s just give him the trophy and end my misery. Thanks.

My score: End it. I’m begging you.

****

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

2011-11-07T07:00:00.000-06:00

Was it just me or did everyone — including the announcers and players — seem to be sleepwalking through the afternoon games in anticipation of the ~~Notre Dame-Wake Forest~~ Alabama-LSU game in the evening?

Goddamnit, ESPN/ABC. Why did you have to move the Notre Dame game to start at exactly the same time as the Alabama-LSU game? I’m not like most guys. I’m terrible at flipping back and forth between games.

Speaking of using the remote, why do we still have to mute the fucking commercials that SHOUT AT YOU AND MAKE YOUR EARS BLEED? Don't these people realize they are doing themselves a disservice? Loud commercials get muted thereby destroying their effectiveness.

Eric from the AT&T taco party commercial definitely creeps me out. Also, never throw a taco party in your office but if you do don't invite Eric and only send out weird cell phone invites.

I bet there are a lot of young ladies on campus who would like to have sexual intercourse with their team's quarterback. I could be completely wrong, though.

Alabama may still come out on top in this whole thing. Unless LSU completely shits the bed, ‘Bama just saved themselves from playing in the SEC Championship game. If ‘Bama wins out (and they should with Mississippi State, Georgia Southern and Auburn remaining) and LSU loses their regular season finale to Arkansas and then loses again in the SEC Championship game, Alabama should rise to at least #2 and end up in the National Championship game.

The only reason to play the ND-Wake game in prime time is so that the ND fans don't have as much time to whine about a disappointing performance before their bedtime.

What is the deal with baton twirlers? Why does every school in the South each have about 72? It’s hard to believe that there are kids who still want to learn how to do this. Don’t they have the Internet in the South?

Am I the only person who thinks baton twirling feels vaguely racist?

If Peyton Manning never plays again, the Colts will just promote him to Head Coach, right?

The Colts only hope of stopping anyone may be to open the roof and side windows of Lucas Oil Field for the rest of their home games.

Children do not respect Daylight Savings Time. Not at all.

By the way, Notre Dame beat Wake Forest 24-17. It was ugly but a win is a win. Alabama-LSU proved that you don’t need to win with style.

Oklahoma State beat Kansas State 52-45 in regulation. C’mon, someone couldn’t kick just one more field goal to make it an even 100?

We should probably start working on Tim Tebow’s MVP campaign.

Neither Chiefs fans nor Dolphins fans are happy about Miami’s victory. Chiefs fans are embarrassed their team lost to the Dolphins and the Dolphins fans are pissed their team has fallen behind the Colts in the race for the #1 draft pick.

Thought that hasn’t occurred to me during the past week: “Man, I sure do wish I could watch some NBA basketball.”

Thought that has occurred to me during the past week: “Hey, they’re not playing baseball anymore. I bet someone won a World Series. I wonder if that city’s fans rioted?”

Marvin Lewis is the master at being just good enough to keep his job. However, they haven’t yet played the Steelers or the Ravens this season.

The 49ers have more wins than every other team in their division combined.

Steelers fans should never again be allowed to complain about the refs after Super Bowl XL. Seattle fans know what I’m talking about.

The new Assassin’s Creed game is coming out next week. Does anyone want to come babysit Scarlett while I spend hours and hours playing a video game?

****

Dancing With the Stars Week 7 - A Review

2011-11-01T13:00:00.000-05:00

When it was announced that Chaz Bono was voted out last week, I’m pretty sure they also put him down with a single gunshot behind the shed. He’ll never dance again and that’s what was best for everyone.

Oh god. I almost forgot it was Halloween. Dancing With the Stars sure didn’t. They’ll all be dressed in costumes and probably dancing to Halloween themed music. They’ll also be doing team dances because ABC refuses to come up with new programming for Monday nights.

David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Cha Cha

There is much confusing discussion about David’s costume for the dance. I think he’s going to be some kind of vampire magician. They bring in a magician to teach him a magic trick for the routine. I can’t really follow what’s going on because I’m not sure David actually speaks English.

They dress Kym in next to nothing, then she made some weird fringe come flying out of her boobs to form a dress. It’s disappointing. They dance to “Abra Cadabra.” He looked lost and a little confused. Or maybe that’s just his “magician face.” The old judge said, “You turned into a dancer.” See what he did there? The gay judge said, “You brought the prestige. You’re a natural at turning tricks.” Yes, prestige and turning tricks go hand in hand. The gay judge then turned to the lady judge and calls her “a pretty pussy.” Unfazed, the lady judge tells David, “You’re improvement is phenomenal.”

My score: Crack Addled Vampire Magician!

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Tango

He's better than everyone else in so many ways.

They must dance to Ghostbusters. Not the movie, the song. Karina wants to win this so bad that she’s freaking out. In fact, she swears at him about building a house or something. He tries to keep it light and remind her that, you know, it’s just a dance show. There are worse things — like getting horribly burned in an explosion while fighting for your country.

Karina is dressed as some sort of skeleton with a cape of feathers. He’s dressed as a Ghostbuster. He did just fine. What’s new? The gay judge said, “Bewitched, conquered and swept away. Another very solid performance.” The lady judge said, “There was a tiny slip but it captured the tone.” The old judge said, “For me this performance was substandard from what I expect from you.” Atta boy, don’t let him get away with simply being better than everyone else.

My score: Skeleton Bird!

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Jive

I’m tempted to watch the elimination tomorrow night just to see the look of relief sweep over Tristan’s face when Nancy is eliminated. If she’s not eliminated, the look of shock and horror will be equally good. Nancy opens the clip by saying, “I know the judges are going to be on the edges of their seats waiting for me to mess up my footwork.” Yep, everyone is out to get you. When Tristan says, “Don’t take it too seriously,” during his interview, Nancy cuts in and says, “Are you trying to say I’m not fun? If you’re trying to say I’m not fun, that’s not true.” He responds, “See how much fun that was?”

She’s dressed up liked a devil, maybe? Or maybe she’s dressed up like the guy who beats the devil in the song “The Devil Went Down to Georgia.” No, that guy would be in overalls and a straw hat, right? Anyway, she looks completely lost. It’s clear that she’s in way over her head. Time to go back to blindly accusing people on TV. The lady judge said, “Well, we have our good days and we have our not so good days.” Nancy always has not so good days. The old judge said, “Certain dances suit you and certain don’t. This wasn’t the dance for you.” Nor were any of the others. The gay judge said, “The devil got your rhythm or your shoes are too small.” Probably both.

My score: Raging Bitch Hole!

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Tango

They’re dancing to the Addams Family theme. Rob decides that he needs to prank Cheryl instead of rehearse. We’re subjected to several elementary school level pranks that Cheryl completely overreacts to. It’s a new low even for this show. The rest of the time he complains that his butt hurts. Whatever, your family is making a mockery of the institution of marriage.

They’re dressed as the husband and wife of the Addams family. Or maybe he’s dressed as his dead father. I’m not sure. At one point he eats her arm like corn on the cob. This is what passes for dancing now? Who am I, the old judge? The old judge said, “I thought you did a terrific job.” I kept waiting for him to add, “eating corn.” The gay judge said, “You’ll never be so manly and in control.” Sounds like he’s peaked. The lady judge said, “Rob, your best dance so far.” That’s not saying much.

My score: Zombie Dad!

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Paso Doble

Ricki is suffering from an inflamed nerve in her chest. The doctor tells her that it will get worse and it would take most athletes out of the competition. Did he just call her an athlete? If I was an athlete, I’d be offended. Derek wants to push her through the injury anyway. God, she’s so brave.

She’s dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. Derek is the Big, Bad Wolf. If she’s hurting, you can’t see it. It helps that Derek is whipping himself around her and making it look like she’s dancing more than she is. The gay judge said, “It was like a blizzard of passion and fear. Another incredible dance.” The lady judge said, “Your shaping is magnificent.” Was she dancing or molding clay? The old judge, “Those shapes that you made were fantastic.” Was she making shadow puppets, too?

My score: Sucking Chest Wound!

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Samba

Maks brings in another dancer to help Hope dance because Maks hurt his wittle toe. This way, he gets to stand around being a dick while they are dancing. Because he’s been a complete ass for about 60 shows in a row, then shows up to a rehearsal dressed as a werewolf to lighten the mood. We’re not buying it, you’re still a dick.

They’re dancing to “Werewolves of London.” She looks completely confused and awkward just like she always does. The Hope Solo Experiment has failed. Even her legs can’t hold my attention anymore. The lady judge said, “It’s better than your Toy Story dance.” There was a Toy Story dance that was even worse than this? The old judge said, “The Samba can be a celebrity’s graveyard,” as if he’s just stating fact. Then he compliments the makeup department. Very passive-aggressive, I like it. The gay judge said, “Better timing, better placement, better finish.” Does he want her to do those things better or did she actually do them better?

My score: Raging Ass Hole!

Team Tango — J.R., David, Nancy

She will eat your family.

We see short clips of tiny bits of dancing and fighting. It’s like a regular clip package on crack. Nancy even manages to insult her partner several times. She just can’t help being a raging bitch.

They’re all dressed as asylum inmates and they dance to “Disturbia.” Of course, J.R. anchors the solos because he’s the best. Wow, this dance is way too long. All of them are too long, but this one especially. The old judge said, “The section you danced as a group was wonderful. Each one of the individual dances were a disaster.” J.R. has lost his magic touch with the judges. The gay judge said, “I have to agree with Len (the old judge). Everyone had mistakes.” The lady judge said, “I thought you started out extremely well but the solos kinda lost it. Overall, very nice.” Nancy’s stink just seeps in to everyone else’s dance.

My score: Nancy Is An Awful Human Being Hole!

Team Paso Doble — Ricki, Hope, Rob

Again, it’s a clip package on crack. We see everyone freaking out and standing around being awkward while Hope and Maks fight. At one point, Maks violently whips Hope around in a way that borders on assault. Maks storms out and Derek steps in and works with Hope. Maybe Maks went to get his werewolf costume.

They dance to that creepy song that starts out with the wispy, wailing girl then the dudes shout, “Wake me up.” You know the one. They all stomp around and there’s fog and flashing lights. I can only assume the fog is there to cover Hope’s feet. Ricki predictably finishes out the solos with Derek. The gay judge said, “Powerful, moving, building to a dramatic ending.” Is it still building? The lady judge said, “Everything was just YEAH!” She’s so articulate. The old judge said, “I thought your individual parts were amazing, great job.” I assume by “individual parts” he means their limbs.

My score: Severed Limbs!

****

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

2011-10-31T07:00:00.000-05:00

The schedule this weekend was awful. It may have turned out a few good games, but there was nothing that anyone would want to watch unless they were a fan of the team. I’ll break it down:

Dolphins at Giants — Ugh. The Dolphins may very well be the worst team in football in a year when there are a lot of teams contending for that title. Why would anyone (especially Dolphins fans) want to watch them play?

Jaguars at Texans — Does anyone ever want to watch either of these teams? They feel like cartoon versions of real NFL teams.

Colts at Titans — The Colts are giving the Dolphins a serious run for their money as the worst team in the league. More on this later.

Vikings at Panthers — I’ll give you a pass if you watched this simply because you wanted to see Cam Newton play. If you’re a Vikings fan, I’m sorry that your franchise has wasted Adrian Peterson’s best years.

Saints at Rams — The Rams made this the one early game worth watching but no one tuned in until the second half at the earliest.

Cardinals at Ravens — The Cardinals are not good. Even after they took a 24-6 lead at halftime, I said to myself, “This is going to be Whisenhunt’s ‘We are who we thought they were’ moment.” You just knew the Ravens were coming back.

Lions at Broncos — If you were surprised by this game becoming a blowout, you’re an idiot. You probably also think Tim Tebow will save the Broncos. In fact, if you watched this game simply to see Tim Tebow, you are failing as a football fan.

Redskins at Bills — Mike Shanahan has lost it. The game has passed him by. Joe Paterno is still winning but the sport has passed Mike Shanahan by at light speed. The Bills are a good story and they’ve changed their awful uniforms so you get a pass for watching this one even though the Redskins are a mess.

Patriots at Steelers — One of two interesting games of the day. It was actually a good game. I did learn that the Packers would kill either of these teams.

Browns at 49ers — The 49ers are a mirage. The Browns are real and they are mediocre. Hope you enjoyed this stinker.

Bengals at Seahawks — The Bengals are doing that thing where they have a good season and barely miss the playoffs or lose horribly in the first round of the playoffs. Then Marvin Lewis will get to keep his job and they’ll play a tougher schedule next year and go back to being 5-11. It’s just what they do.

Cowboys at Eagles — A good matchup until the Eagles decided to finally play like everyone expected them to play and the Cowboys decided to let Romo keep playing quarterback.

Chargers at Chiefs — Wait, the Chiefs have three wins? What? I’m sure ESPN is pitching this as some kind of battle for the division lead. Gross. It’s a lie. The Chargers are going to run away with this division.

Two games worth watching. Two. The NFL still manages to be the most popular sport in America.

Pro tip: Don’t go to Six Flags during Fright Fest. You’ll wait in line for over two hours and then have to leave because your wife has to pump and it will ruin her whole birthday celebration. At least you’ll get a funnel cake on the way out, though.

After a bad loss to USC and a week of ridiculous drama, Notre Dame beat the fuck out of Navy 56-14. And yet. And yet, it’s not good enough for some fans, I’m sure. I’m sure they’re on the message boards complaining that we dared to throw a pass during the game.

It’s really looking like the Colts might not win a single game this year. If that is the case, I do not think they should pick Andrew Luck. They need to trade that pick for buckets and buckets of picks and draft an entire defense. Preferably, that defense would be made up of a combination of players from Alabama and LSU. There will be another quarterback they can draft in a few years while these young defensive players learn the game. Christ, this team is a mess.

It seems like you’ve always known how to eat, but you haven’t.

Instead of “bend, don’t break” the Colts defense is playing “break, stay broken.”

Speaking of Alabama-LSU, James Brown promoted the matchup by calling it, “This year’s game of the century.”

Michael Vick bought a parrot. That’s the kind of thing you discover during a blowout. Is anyone else worried about his new parrot fighting ring? Does anyone else kinda want to see a parrot fighting ring?

****

Dancing With the Stars Week 6 - A Review

2011-10-25T13:00:00.001-05:00

Brooke Burke breathed a sigh of relief when Carson Kressley went home because he’s much better at her job than she is.

It’s Broadway Week. You know, because every week has to have a damn theme now. The “stars” will be doing both a solo dance and a group dance. Yipee!

They open the show with a performance from the cast of Sister Act. Kristin Chenowith is also here because her new job is to appear on random reality contest shows.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Cha Cha

His family will cut you.

Rob wants Cheryl to push him this week. She does and he responds by saying, “It’s tough on, like, my brain.” You’re a Kardashian. Eating is tough on, like, your brain. His annoying mom comes to rehearsal and tells him that he’s gone from a boy to a man. Nothing like finally attaining manhood at 24 on a dancing show. He says that seeing her helped motivate him. Doesn’t he see her every night when he goes home?

He dances to “Walk Like a Man” from Jersey Boys. If he’s a man now, he doesn’t have to walk like one. Men already walk like men. I know that Rob is 24 because I just looked it up, but he has decided to dance like he’s about 75. Cheryl is working her ass off which makes him look worse. After the dance, we see Cheryl’s nipple. Actually, just areola. The old jude said, “It was clean, it was precise.” I think he meant the dance, not the nipple. Then Rob’s big annoying sister shouted, “Give him a nine.” To which the old judge replied, “Dream on.” I knew I liked this guy. The gay judge told him that it was “adequate but didn’t have the impact and power.” The lady judge “saw much more charisma. You’re still an adolescent but not a child.” Then she backpedals because she’s afraid the Kardashians will have her whacked.

My score: I’m watching my back.

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Foxtrot

Nancy asks her partner to increase the difficulty of the routine and then spends the entire rehearsal complaining about the choreography. She tells her partner that she thinks that he’s trying to sabotage the routine by making it too hard. Yes, Nancy. Everyone is out to get you.

They are dancing to “Always Look On the Bright Side of Life” from Spamalot. I forgot they made a musical of the Monty Python sketches and movies. I’m not sure why anyone would do such a thing. Yes I do. Easy cash grab. The gay judge said, “Nancy Dancedalot with Sir Lancelot. Well done.” The lady judge said, “Well, you showed me didn’t you? I would call that a showstopper.” She showed you what? Her nipple? The old judge thought there was “much more personality, however, the posture and footwork wasn’t there.” Then he argued with the gay judge. When Brooke asks Tristan if he finds the show challenging, he says that Nancy is a pain in the ass without actually saying it.

My score: Listen, all y’all it’s a sabotage!

David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Quickstep

David loves Broadway and he’s really glad to do jazz hands this week. He then tells us that jazz hands aren’t just waving your hands, they are so much more than that. Save it for your autobiography, David. Don’t waste all the good stuff on a dance show.

They’re dancing to a song from “Grease” which means it will annoy the shit out of me the entire time. What’s new? Oh, it’s the one song where they use fake words to describe how everything should be. He dances like someone reached inside him and turned his weird levels up to 25. The lady judge said, “I thought you live up to the performance aspect but you were out of sync.” The old judge said, “It was what it was. It was a bit rough around the edges.” Don’t give up now, Old Judge. The gay judge says something about spring break and live wires. Does he go to torture camp for spring break?

My score: One single, delicate flower.

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Quickstep

Surprise, it’s another actor who loves Broadway music. Quick, someone introduce me to an actor who doesn’t love Broadway. I don’t count. She’s worried that she’s not as good as J.R. News flash: you’re not as good as J.R.

They’re dancing to some song from “Guys and Dolls.” Nobody cares. They dress her in a long dress so you can’t see her feet screw everything up. Well played, costume people. The gay and lady judge gave her a standing ovation. The old judge said, “You don’t need luck if you’ve got talent. I loved it.” The gay judge said, “Impeccable style, dazzling choreography. Your interpretation of the music was beyond belief.” No, I completely believed it. The lady judge said, “It was amazing to watch.” I can’t believe she didn’t cry.

My score: Don’t forget her house burned down.

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Tango

Lacey is clearly very frustrated with Chaz and tells him that she can’t help him memorize the dance and leaves him alone to figure it out. Is there any doubt this will be a disaster? Lacey is the second of two pros who want out of this competition. I bet you can guess the first.

He’s dancing to a song from “Phantom of the Opera.” He’s predictably bad and the dance is really simple. Just like every single week. Someone put this guy out of his misery. The gay judge said, “It was like watching a cute little penguin trying to be a big, menacing bird of prey.” That’s one way to put it. The lady judge said, “This is the most aggressive I’ve seen you but we need more difficult choreography.” The old judge said, “The first rule of the show is to get through the routine. You did that.” Now they’re giving points for completeness?

My score: Put him out of his misery.

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Rhumba

Set Hope free.

Hope is not happy about getting the same scores over and over. She wants to get better. Maks brings in three professional women dancers to help her be more sexy. Maks gets all sorts of creepy while he ogles all four of the girls. Hope improves and then Maks tells her that everyone else has given up on her and that he’s now losing faith in her, too. Que the argument clips.

They dance to that counting song from Rent. Oh god. She’s trying so hard to be sexy you can see her thinking about it. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from the Kardashians, it’s that thinking isn’t sexy. The lady judge said, “I see all the effort you’re putting in and I think it came out in moments but it goes against your natural feisty-ness.” Yes, sexy and feisty never go together. The old judge said, “I’m at a loss, really. I’ve never lost faith in you. It’s just never came out in your dance. This is your worst dance of the whole season.” When Maks urges the crowd to boo, the old judge told Maks it was his fault, too. Then all the judges yell at Maks for challenging them. When Brooke asked Maks about the fight Maks said, “This my show.” Case closed.

My score: Can we send two people home next week?

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Quickstep

Karina calls their routine “the most ambitious routine I’ve attempted on Dancing With the Stars.” Karina can see the trophy and she’s practically drooling all over it. J.R. works his ass off and doesn’t seem to have any trouble picking it up at all.

I have no idea what the song is they are dancing to. They’ve stopped telling us at this point. It’s some kind of ragtime, big band song. Again, he looks like he knows what he’s doing. He even does a cartwheel and it’s not one of those lame, bent leg, flopping around cartwheels. It’s no surprise that all of the judges loved it. For once everyone gets along.

My score: It’s a vote for America, America.

The Group Dance

Kevin Maher — whoever that is — comes in to choreograph a dance for the entire cast. They are all dancing together in one big routine. I think everyone realizes it’s not fair to saddle one team with Chaz so we won’t see competitive group dances until he’s gone. Rehearsal is basically chaos. Why did they wait until three seconds before the dance started to tell me the judges aren’t even giving scores for this?! I could have been doing anything else during this time. Assholes.

****

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

2011-10-24T07:00:00.000-05:00

I make a habit of staying away from Notre Dame message boards. I’d highly recommend you do the same — especially this week. If you’re curious, I can save you the trip. Here’s what you’ll see:

1) The sky is falling, but only on Notre Dame fans.

2) Brian Kelly must be fired NOW. Followed by discussions of who our next coach should be, followed by people insisting that it will be Nick Saban, Bob Stoops or Urban Meyer.

3) Complaints that Notre Dame football has been forever tarnished because they dared to play rock ’n’ roll music in the stadium to help get the crowd fired up.

4) Old men yearning for a time long ago when black people were only allowed to make music or play sports, when women belonged in the kitchen, and when Notre Dame football ruled the land.

My thoughts boil down to this: Does my daughter need it to make her happy? If not, then it’s probably not that big of a deal after all.

In case it’s not clear, Notre Dame lost to USC 31-17.

If you’re going to set your alarm clock to Air Raid Siren for 5:00 AM, please wake up and shut it off sometime within the first 20 minutes. Especially if you live one floor above me.

Call me a bandwagon jumper, but I turned off the Colts game when the Saints scored to make it 55-7. I can only take so much abuse in one weekend.

I watched a grand total of one college football game this weekend. I spent the whole day tailgating in South Bend so my college football thoughts will be few.

Who would have guessed that your team would get better when you replace your old, slow, and fat quarterback with a young, mobile guy? The Vikings finally did.

Now that Jesus’ own quarterback, Tim Tebow, is starting for the Broncos, expect them to never lose again. Especially when they are playing the Dolphins.

You know that Pizza Hut commercial where the dude trades a pizza for Reggie Bush in his Fantasy Football league? The dude with the pizza got the better deal.

My baby spent several adorable hours tailgating at the Notre Dame game this weekend and she didn’t fuss once. She’s a champ.

Hey, Guy Who Stole A Brownie From Our Tailgate, all you had to do was ask. We would have gladly let you have one.

****

The Friday Roundup

2011-10-21T07:00:00.000-05:00

I’m not where I was when I wrote this just like you’re not where you were when I wrote this. Now we’re both were we are and we’re about to be where we’re going to be. Anyway, Friday Roundup.

This Week in Mindsilt

Monday:

Once again, I gave you my weekend football thoughts and other things.

Tuesday:

Yep, another of my reviews of Dancing With the Stars.

Thursday:

The Notre Dame Fighting Irish got new hats and I wrote about it. With pictures!

Tweets of the Week

From Patrick Steele:

Does anyone think Republicans are purposely tanking so they can get Andrew Luck?

See it here.

From Blaine Capatch on the death of Muammar Gaddafi:

Looks like America’s enemies list is down to teachers and you.

See it here.

From the Mindsilt Archive

I series of posts that all go together. First I gave you the answers. Then I gave you the questions. Then I gave you the questions and the answers.

Video of the Week

A duet with Siri.

****

New Hats

2011-10-20T07:00:00.000-05:00

This weekend against USC, Notre Dame will unveil new helmets. The helmets will be a change from the dull-ish "gold" helmets of recent years that have really looked more brown than gold. In the picture below, you can see that number 90's gold pants don't look anything like his helmet. It's hard to call that helmet gold -- even if the paint does contain actual gold flakes (and it does).

The carpet doesn't match the drapes.

On Saturday, the Irish will come out of the tunnel wearing the helmet on the left in this photo:

Well, yeah. That can be called gold. At first you might think that it looks a lot like Ohio State's helmets which have the weird '70's motorcycle helmet glitter. I assure you that is not the case. If you click on the photo for the full size version, you will see that what appears to be glitter is actually the texture of the paint on the helmet. Yep, it has texture. Pretty cool.

One unfortunate side effect of these new helmets is that the student managers will no longer paint the helmets each week before the games. It's sad to lose a tradition like that, but that process clearly wasn't providing the kind of gold that could actually be called gold.

I love the new helmets and I'm excited to see them take the field in South Bend this Saturday. To see more about the process Notre Dame went through to create these new helmets, check out the video below.

****

Dancing With the Stars Week 5 - A Review

2011-10-18T13:00:00.000-05:00

Chynna Phillips went home last week because, you know, brain damage. This is the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.

It’s 80s week because they hate me.

They open the show with a live performance of “Eternal Flame” by whatever band sings “Eternal Flame.” Wait, no. It’s an “Eternal Flame”, “Walk Like an Egyptian” medley. Ah, it must be The Bangles. You’d never guess that they have a new album that no one will buy.

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Tango

This week the judges are telling us what each contestant needs to do to really step up their game for the second half of the season. They are not doing this to actually provide value to the contestants but merely because they need to fill time. The lady judge says that Hope just needs to work with Maks and be more feminine. We’re then treated to more of Hope and Maks bickering. Even Hope’s sexy can’t make up for the annoying fighting. Oh Christ, the Monday Night Football game is the Dolphins and the Jets. That’s almost worse than watching this show.

They dance to Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On A Prayer.” The old judge tells her that she was “too willowy,” but that he liked her aggression. Time to get out your blender because someone is mixing signals. Oh god, what has this show done to me? The gay judge said, “I thought you got the 80s super bitch down to a T. You were strong, sexy and powerful.” The crowd didn’t know whether to boo or cheer. The lady judge started talking but the old judge kept interrupting to argue with her. Why doesn’t he just quit? He obviously hates this show and thinks the other judges are idiots. Of course, they all give her the same score.

My score: Make it stop.

Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Jive

Too gay for this show or just gay enough?

The gay judge says that Carson has to combine personality with technique to be “a winner.” Instead of dancing, he spends the whole rehearsal putting on leg warmers and scrunchies and looking really, really uncoordinated. I’m tempted to just write “See last week” for each dancer. This show is exactly the same every single week.

They dance to “Wake Me Up Before you Go-Go” by Wham! He and his partner come out in cheerleading outfits complete with pom-pons. Yeah, it’s “pom-pons,” look it up. He messes up several times and nearly drops his partner when they try to do a stunt. I didn’t think it was possible, but I he’s too gay for this show. The gay judge said, “That was loopier than a looney tune.” Straight from the looney tune himself. The lady judge thought it “was definitely fun. I was watching Richard Simmons envy your outfit.” Is anyone shocked that Richard Simmons is there? The old judge said, “I like you, you know I like you. If I was judging with my heart you would be back next week, but we’re judging with our brains and I’m not sure that was good enough.”

My score: Two pom-pons.

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Rhumba

The old judge says that she loves that Nancy is a hard worker but he doesn’t “want to see an older lady trying to look like some young floozy. It doesn’t work.” Is that a crack about her showing her boob? I’m not sure how that qualifies as advice. She reveals that she was a cheerleader for her high school in the ‘80s. Instead of letting her partner teach her, she has decided that she knows what is best for this competition. She then immediately turns around and blames him for her not getting the dance. For someone who has made a career of placing blame, she sure does love to avoid it herself.

They dance to Spandau Ballet’s “True.” The lady judge doesn’t see her passion or connection to the dance. Maybe that’s because she only sees it with the young male contestants. Just sayin’. The old judge said, “It was simple but it was very effective. Very good job.” As always, if it’s super boring he loves it. The gay judge called it “sensuous, sexy” and “one of the best performances.” Brooke presides over an awkward interview not because she is a terrible interviewer (she still is, don’t worry) but because Nancy seems to think that she should also be choreographing the dance.

My score: Whoops, did I reveal that I know who she is?

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Samba

The gay judge says J.R. doesn’t do anything wrong but he doesn’t finish cleanly. I don’t know what that means. He feels like he has an advantage in the Samba because he’s Latin. You know, like the dead language. Karina decides that she’s going to push him so she takes him to a club where Sheila E is playing. Sheila E is playing clubs now? That seems right.

They dance to “Conga” by Gloria Estefan. He looks natural. He’s good. I’m not allowed to make fun of him even if he wasn’t. The crowd gives him a standing ovation. The old judge said, “If someone asked me how a man dances the Samba, I’d say, ‘Take a look at J.R.” The gay judge said, “Talk about hip action, you were like a loin shattering hip machine. The Kardashians are gagging.” Well said. The lady judge said, “That is the way a man dances a Samba.” A man or THE man?

My score: God bless Sheila E.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Rhumba

The old judge loves that Rob is growing and he wants to see Rob take command. Cheryl implores him to be sexy but he struggles. Romeo — of previous Dancing With the Stars fame — comes in to help him be sexy by shouting a bunch of random things at him. It’s like doucheapalooza.

They dance to Lionel Richie’s “Hello.” Sexy translates into him pawing Cheryl awkwardly on the dance floor and smacking himself in the belly several times. The gay judge said, “We finally see you using Cheryl as a partner.” Yes, dancing is all about making women into objects. The lady judge compares him to the tortoise in the Tortoise and Hare story by saying, “You took control of the woman.” Yep, that’s exactly how the story goes. The old judge said, “You took command.” Of the woman, yes. Are we in Iran?

My score: Burkas for everyone!

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Samba

The lady judge wants Chaz to push the limit and go for it. Lacey wants him to “bring the bigness.” Done. She brings in her father — who is a bigger guy — so he can see that big guys can shake it too. Her dad dances like a crazy man even though his pants are pulled all the way up to his nipples.

They dance to Kool and the Gang’s “Get Down On It.” Oh man, he works so hard and you can see every single second of him working. He can’t really dance but he sure can jiggle with the best of them. The lady judge said, “That was the most dancing I’ve seen you do in any of your routines.” Is that what you call it? The old judge said, “I like that you really gave it a go.” The gay judge gets up and dances.

My score: A for abomination.

David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Tango

The lady judge says that David is a leading man who doesn’t know it yet. Great advice. David thinks things are starting to click for him now. He’s then worried that they are going to get in trouble with the judges for breaking hold — whatever that means. He’s worried about rules. He’s lost it. He’s completely lost it.

They dance to “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell. Well, they’ve finally not dressed Kym at all. It’s fair to say that I won’t notice David at all during this dance. Somehow it’s still boring. How do they do that? The old judge said, “You have to show up or shut up. You have shown up and it was fantastic.” The gay judge said, “That was a tango with a rebel yell.” He knows they didn’t dance to Billy Idol, right? The lady judge wants him to work on his musicality. Then she argues with the old judge while Tom Bergeron yells at both of them. This show is a mess.

My score: LOUD NOISES!

A person.

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Foxtrot

This week they are just trying to have fun but they don’t get any judge advice. How are they to have fun? She’s feeling the pressure and she’s crumbling because she’s weak. John Waters comes in to rehearsal to be weird and creepy and say nice things.

They dance to Phil Collins’ “Easy Lover.” They put her in a bad prom dress and dress Derek up like Max Headroom. The gay judge said, “It didn’t gel.” The lady judge didn’t like the choreography because they threw in ‘80s dances. The old judge said, “No one likes funk like I do. It’s not really a move I appreciate in the Foxtrot. It wasn’t your best dance but it wasn’t your worst.” Great way to end the show.

My score: A whimper.

****

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

2011-10-17T07:00:00.000-05:00

I finally saw Bridesmaids recently. I thought it was good, not great. The line I laughed the hardest at was when John Hamm said, “That cop talks weird.”

LSU has a defensive end named Barkevious Mingo. I feel like his name is racist.

The NFL Network guys are the best pre-game show on TV, which isn't saying much. The ESPN guys are awful and aren't willing to criticize anyone since they'll eventually hire half the league. Howie is the only tolerable one on Fox and CBS is, well, CBS where everything always feels mediocre and half-assed.

The Discover Card’s “Peggy” commercials are a little played, but I like the new one where Peggy gets Kirk Herbstreit's name and address confused.

The Colts-Bengals game is hard to watch not only because the teams are bad, but because the Bengals uniforms are awful.

It's much easier to bail on your team’s game to watch a more interesting matchup when they are 0-5. In fact, it’s much easier to bail on the entire NFL. Especially when the Irish don't play that same weekend.

What I’m saying is that I had trouble focusing on football this weekend.

The Lions finally played someone good and guess what happened. This team has a ton of talent and should really be blowing people out, but they are not. Verdict?The Lions are poorly coached.

I’m taking Harbaugh’s side in the whole coach skirmish thing. Mostly because I think Schwartz is an overrated idiot who got completely out-coached by Harbaugh in that game.

Being a sports photographer seems like it would be an awesome way to see a game, but you'd have to be behind your camera at all of the best moments.

I sure do hope Jets fans are taking advantage of the bye week to completely freak out about their team. That is one fanbase that really knows how to freak out.

When teams have a long time starting quarterback with a double digit number, they should force the backups to also have a double digit number so it's not so jarring to watch the team play when the starter goes down. Isn't it weird watching the Colts with a quarterback wearing #7? Wouldn’t it be weird to see Hoyer (#8) played for the Pats?

Force the Cowboys to wear their blue jerseys and you'll win every time. Belichick knows what he’s doing.

I feel like we've seen a lot more gruesome injuries this season than we have in any other season I can remember and we're not even halfway through. Dislocated elbows, broken legs, broken ankles flopping all over the place. I can’t wait to enroll my kids in soccer.

Why is there large hole in the one end of the Pats' stadium? Is that the entrance for Bill Belichick’s head?

If they are going to change the kickoff to the 35, I think they should also change the touchback rule so that if the player touches the ball and it rolls out the back of the end zone it's a safety. They should penalize those players for muffing the catch.

On kickoffs, if you can’t kick the football through the back of the end zone then kick it out of bounds but whatever you do, DO NOT KICK THE BALL TO DEVIN HESTER! Seriously, wouldn’t you rather give a struggling Bears offense better field position than risk Hester scoring a touchdown?

Wheel of Fortune is still on TV. That show is exactly a year older than me. It’s one of the few things that have lasted my entire lifetime.

Also, who are the idiots who buy vowels on that show? That said, I would totally buy a vowel if one of the words in the puzzle used ‘Y’ as a vowel. Now that I think about it, I bet they don’t ever use words that have ‘Y’ as a vowel. If someone were to request a ‘Y’ as a consonant they would have to deny them, right? I bet they just completely avoid it. Those devious bastards.

****

The Friday Roundup

2011-10-14T12:00:00.000-05:00

Boom. Fall just showed up and smacked us all in the face. By “us all” I mean people in Chicago. Break out the long sleeves. Also, break out the Friday Roundup.

This Week in Mindsilt

Monday:

I gave you my Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things.

Tuesday:

Chynna Phillips may have suffered brain damage in this week’s Dancing With the Stars review.

Thursday:

I explained to the world the difference between role and roll.

Tweet of the Week

From Bob Walicki:

Andy Reid has seen some signs of progress. e.g. The offense is getting much better at tackling and pursuit angles. #Eagles

See it here.

Video of the Week

Crazy synchronized gymnastics. It starts to get real good around the one minute mark.

****

Roll vs. Role

2011-10-13T07:00:00.000-05:00

Roll vs. role. Everyone screws this up but no one talks about it. If you haven’t guessed by the way they are spelled, they are two different words with two different meanings. That seems obvious but many people don’t seem to know this. It drives me crazy. Well, more crazy.

Roll

A roll is something you eat with dinner. Or before dinner. Sometimes you put butter on them. They can often be delicious. In this case, roll is a noun.

In a sentence: I’m going to rub butter all over this roll and eat the shit out of it.

Roll is also an action. It’s what a ball does when you kick it or push it across the ground. You can roll down a hill. Here, roll is a verb.

In a sentence: If you roll that ball over here, I’m going to rub butter all over it and eat the shit out of it.

You can also be on a roll. This is when things have been going your way for a while. “On a roll” is an idiom.

In a sentence: I’ve eaten six balls in a row and I’m feeling great. I’m on a roll, baby.

Role

A role is a part in a play or movie or TV show. Actors play roles. Roles are not edible, nor are they delicious. A noun.

In a sentence: Bryan Cranston plays the role of Walter White on the TV show Breaking Bad. You should watch this show.

A role can also describe a function that a person fulfills on a team or at a job. Also a noun.

In a sentence: Peyton Manning’s role with the Colts is to basically coach the entire team, which is why I've cried every Sunday this football season.

Do you see the difference? It’s a pretty big difference and there really should be no way you could mix up these two words. Especially now that I’ve explained it to you. You’re welcome.
****

Dancing With the Stars Week 4 - A Review

2011-10-11T14:00:00.000-05:00

It’s only week four. Week four. Are you kidding me? It feels like Week Shoot-Me-In-the-Face. I guess Jay Cutler wasn’t Kristin Cavallari’s good luck charm because she went home last week. That’s what happens when you mess with Beyoncé.

The “stars” will be dancing to movie scores this week. Not only does this show get to ruin my Monday night, they also take that opportunity to ruin good movies.

During the intro, Chynna Phillips keeps trying to make the heart symbol with her hands and every time she just manages to make an “O” instead. Does she have brain damage?

Because the feel like they absolutely have to fill two whole hours no matter what, they open the show with a dance to a montage of movie music by the pros. They have managed to make lightsabers boring.

Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani — Tango

She will be dancing to the Mission: Impossible theme. The mission, if Tony chooses to accept it is to get Chynna — a native English speaker — to understand English. Seriously. She’s dumb as rocks. She can’t follow instructions. Or count. Or tell left from right.

Tony is lowered down from the rafters Tom Cruise style. They then perform one of the most awkward dances I’ve ever seen in my life. Chynna completely forgets the routine. She goes blank, or rather, she remains blank. The old judge said, “It all went up the Swanee River.” Is that British for it sucked? The gay judge said, “You were slash and burn hot but you lost the glove.” Amen, brother. The lady judge claims that Chynna lost her place but not her composure. Really? Stopping and standing in the middle of the routine is not losing your composure? They then joke about how this isn’t a serious competition which is something I’ve been saying forever. The judges give her all sevens because the scores clearly mean nothing.

My score: Only the good rock stars die young.

David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Paso Doble

Dyslexic or just can't tell left from right?

David will dance to the theme from Raiders of the Lost Ark. He reveals that he has dyslexia and that causes him to struggle with left and right. Is that how dyslexia works? At least I don’t have to worry about him reading my reviews.

David is, of course, wearing a bad approximation of the Indiana Jones hat. He does this awesome thing where he dances terribly and then suddenly remembers that he’s supposed to puff out his chest. It’s like some kind of drunk, exotic bird’s mating dance. He stumbles at the end and nearly breaks Kym’s back over his knee. Because they fill the studio with the dumbest people alive, the crowd loves it. The gay judge said, “I love the way you crack your whip, tight muscles and tight pants. Work on your turns.” He is on point tonight. The lady judge loved every minute of it. The old judge liked his attitude but thought the rest was a “temple of doom.” Then the judges fight.

My score: Idniaan Jnose.

Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Viennese Walz

They are dancing to “The Curse of the Black Pearl” from Pirates of the Caribbean. Anna brings in an enormous, muscly guy to teach them how to fight with swords. Carson hits on the guy the whole time. He’s confident he can pull off the pirate thing because pirates are basically “men in tight pants and low cut shirts looking for jewelry.” Indeed.

They give Carson a fake goatee for the dance. I’d wear a disguise if I danced like that, too. Everyone is terrible this week and it’s delightful. Maybe that will finally get this show cancelled. The lady judge says it was like being on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride “but weirder.” The old judge said, “It’s like childbirth, terrible when it’s happening and a joy when it’s over.” He adds, “It was great fun. If I was at home I’d be phoning for you.” The gay judge simply said, “Pirates of the Caribbean 5: The Revenge of the Gay Blade. You lost your steps but it was fun.” Gay judge is on fire tonight.

My score: How am I supposed to top “Revenge of the Gay Blade?”

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Paso Doble

Nancy will be forced to dance to the theme from Flash Gordon. Tristan visits her at her show and asks her to show the attitude on the floor that she gives on the show. She thinks the aggression that she learned in law school and the courtroom will help her with this dance. No, learning how to dance will help you with this dance.

Strangely, there’s no weird lead in to the dance. She’s just wearing lots of gold and red. This is the weirdest song in the world to dance to. Especially when you have to do so much weird posing and strutting. Someone is deliberately sabotaging this show. I love that person. The old judge thinks “The dancing is competent but there’s no excitement.” The gay judge tells Nancy, “You have to be a ball breaker out there.” The lady judge wants the other judges to give Nancy more credit. I still want to know who the hell she is.

My score: Tom Selleck. She’s Tom Selleck in drag, right?

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Foxtrot

Hope will be dancing to “You’ve Got A Friend In Me” from Toy Story. Am I the only person in this world who has not seen this movie? Probably. Anyway, Maks yells and fights with her just like he always does with his partners. Even the brain dead people who like this show have to be getting sick of it.

They’re all dressed up in cowboy outfits. Unfortunately, they cover up Hope’s legs. She is easily the best of the night because she’s the only one who didn’t look like she was completely lost the whole time. The gay judge loved it and said “nice” a lot. The lady judge said, “It made me smile the whole way through.” The old judge tells her, “You could go all the way in this competition.” Then he gets real mad lectures her about needing to work harder and longer in the rehearsal room and he swears. The old man is cranky tonight, folks. So is the old judge.

My score: Not enough leg.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Paso Doble

Rob gets the Superman theme. He feels like he can relate to Clark Kent because he is shy and uncomfortable. He also wears fake glasses. He thinks that people think he’s a loser. He’s right. He wants to prove everyone wrong. He’s working so hard, guys. So hard.

There’s no way they’ll have him rip off his nerdy glasses and suit to reveal a Superman costume, right? No way. That’s just too much. The dance is stompy and weird but at least he looks like he’s remembered the routine. Wait, they did it! They ripped open his shirt to reveal a K. I just can’t believe they actually did it. Special moment, everyone. Lady judge said, “I likes the way you move. You’re steady in the ballroom.” Gay judge, “It’s time to leave Smallville and take on the world. You have to believe in yourself more.” That was Superman’s problem, too. The old judge said, “I didn’t mind it, but I can’t go into raptures about it.” Why does everyone on the show spend so much time trying to subvert the old judge’s dislike of everything that sucks? He’s the only one with any real perspective.

My score: Superdouche

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Tango

Ricki and Derek will be dancing to the theme from Psycho. Really? It’s no surprise that Derek is having trouble choreographing a routine to this crazy song. Ricki struggles with the technique of the Tango and she wants to quit. She breaks down. Is anyone surprised that she sheds the first tears?

I thought the Flash Gordon theme was a weird song to dance to. This is nearly impossible. I love that they are doing this to the dancers. Anyway, I’m bored and Megatron just scored a touchdown. The Bears are in trouble. The crowd gives Nancy a standing O. The old judge said, “You’re like the US Mail, you always deliver.” The gay judge calls it “A blockbusting performance worthy of three sequels.” The lady judge simply said, “Brilliance in the ballroom. Done.” Ricki gets the first two tens of the season.

My score: Flash! Ahhhh-AHHHH!

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Paso Doble

Fly, little birdie.

You knew Chaz was going to get the Rocky theme. When he was a young girl, he wanted to be just like Rocky. Lacey wants the dance to feel like they are in the boxing ring the whole time. Because she is concerned about Chaz’s endurance, Lacey brings in Richard Simmons to help train him. Holy shit, Richard Simmons looks awful. Is he dying? Does he have cancer?

Oh sweet god. Chaz is going after it. He’s laying it all out there and it is hilarious. Have you ever seen a pigeon that is too fat to fly? That’s Chaz Bono in this routine. You need to find a clip of this on YouTube. The gay judge said, “In the true spirit of Rocky, no matter how many hits you take you keep coming back and getting stronger.” The lady judge cries because he gets “under her skin.” The old judge said, “It wasn’t a knockout performance but it was your best dance to date.” They’ve completely given up on giving him notes.

My score: Seriously, find a clip of this dance online. NOW.

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Foxtrot

J.R. will dance to the Pink Panther theme. Karina is pushing him hard this week because she knows she’s got the best partner. She brings in another professional ballroom dancer to help teach him how to dance — a dude. Is that fair? Shouldn’t that be cheating or something?

He’s dressed in a pink tux and top hat. Also, he’s wearing a fake mustache. Can he even grow a real one? Wouldn’t it be awesome if you never had to shave? Not if you had to survive a horrible explosion, I guess. The lady judge said, “I thought it was okay. It fell a little flat for me.” The old judge said, “This was the best male dance of the night. This is fabulous.” He’s not even bothering to hide his disdain for the other judges. The gay judge said, “You can do it all, you’re great.” No one is going to critique this guy, either.

My score: Why does the lady judge hate America?
****

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

2011-10-10T07:00:00.000-05:00

I’ll waste no time getting to my weekend football thoughts and other stuff. Wait, I just wasted time didn’t I? Dang.

After yesterday’s victory, I bet the Raiders wish Al Davis could die every week.

Also, RIP Al Davis.

Guys, Tim Tebow might already be the best quarterback the NFL has ever seen.

Unwatchable.

There’s a very good chance that my daughter’s first words will be “Ruthie, no!”

With the exception of Wisconsin and Denard Robinson, Big Ten football is completely unwatchable.

Right now it looks like there are three college teams that are way better than the rest of the nation. LSU, Alabama and Oklahoma. Wisconsin is a close four, but after that the drop-off is pretty steep.

I know that we want our burgers to be hot and juicy, Wendy’s, but we don’t want to eat something that is actually called “Hot & Juicy.”

It’s hard not to think “cheater” when you see an Ohio State player with a tattoo.

Announcers, it’s time to stop freaking out about teams using their timeouts early in the first half. Each team gets three more in the second half.

NFL Fact: Coming in to Sunday, Pat Angerer of the Indianapolis Colts led the league in tackles. Who says you never learn anything from these posts?

No politician, political party or movement could possibly threaten the future of our nation more than the Kardashian family. I’m not joking.

What in the hell is JLo doing at the end of that Fiat commercial? Did the director ask her to punch two ghosts?

Notre Dame beat Air Force 59-33 on Saturday. Thanks to the Internet I now know that there are many Notre Dame fans who are unsatisfied with the victory. This is exactly why I never go to fan message boards. They are always a huge bitch fest and they love to play the “what if” game. What if Air Force hadn’t fumbled on the first drive? What if they’d ruled Michael Floyd’s touchdown incomplete? What if we replaced Air Force’s quarterback with a giant boxing robot controlled by Hugh Jackman? The “what if” game is stupid on so many levels that I don’t even want to waste your time with telling you why.

How did Taylor Martinez become the starting quarterback at Nebraska when it is clear that no one has ever taught him how to throw a football?

Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth are so good partially because they are not afraid of silence. The Monday Night crew could learn a few things about silence.

I need Curtis Painter to be bad this season. The last thing I want is for the Colts to think that they are just fine at the quarterback position and not draft a top-tier replacement for Peyton Manning.

In order to get his new sitcom, I think Tim Allen walked in to ABC and said, “I think everyone’s forgotten about all of my old jokes, let’s do them all again.”

If you didn’t know I was being sarcastic about Tim Tebow, you’re a dummy. Or not a football fan.

****

The Friday Roundup

2011-10-07T07:00:00.000-05:00

I’m exhausted and I’m going to bed. Good thing my blog knows to post this in the morning which is right now to you. Or it’s the afternoon in case you’re reading this in the afternoon, or it’s the evening if you’re reading this in the evening. So, good morning. Also, I went to bed last night not right now. So, Friday Roundup.

This Week in Mindsilt

Monday:

I gave you my weekend football thoughts and other things, a new weekly feature.

Tuesday:

My review of week three of Dancing With the Stars.

Thursday:

I gave you another dose of the 750 words I write every morning.

Tweet of the Week

In honor of Steve Jobs.

From Anthony Jeselnik:

I don’t care when Mexicans do it, but I hate God for taking our Jobs.

See it here.

Video of the Week

This dude is one crazy dancer.

****

750 Words -- My Thing

2011-10-06T07:00:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned before, I write 750 words every morning on a site called 750words.com. It’s often a bunch of nonsense but some days I hit on something that is a little fun. I posted a portion of one of my entries in the post linked above and now I’m going to do it again. Enjoy.

---

Oh man. Today is another one of those days. I feel super tired. I had trouble waking up this morning and I was really, really tired last night before I went to bed. In fact, I probably should have just gone straight to sleep instead of reading for a while, but reading is what I do before bed. It's my thing. Not really. If reading before bed was my official thing then I would be pretty fucking lame. Reading before bed is just about the lamest thing in the world to have as your thing. Can we think of something lamer than that to have as your thing? Breathing? Walking around? Walking around could be kinda cool depending upon how you do it. If you have a leather jacket and a baseball bat or an automatic weapon while you walk around it gets much cooler. However, I'm not sure that people would say your thing is walking around in that case. They'd probably say that the gun toting or baseball bat toting was your thing. So yeah, walking around would be pretty lame to have as your thing. Thinking? No, that can be cool -- especially if it's your thing. You know, thinking was Albert Einstein's thing. That was pretty cool. Sitting? Yeah, that would be lame. Looking at things? That's definitely lame to have as your thing. Trimming your fingernails? Yep. Liking dogs? Kinda. Looking at dogs? Creepy. Eating? Gross. What else? Writing? Writing could be cool if it's your thing and you're good at it. It could also be really lame if you're not good at it and you still think it's your thing. Am I describing myself? No, I don't think that writing is my thing. It's one of my things, sure. But it's not uppercase My Thing. I have a lot of things but I don't really know what My Thing is. Should we decide that right now? I sure do hope My Thing is not being funny because I'm not very good at that. Sure, I'm funny. I'm not professionally funny, though. I make no money from being funny. So I hope that's not My Thing because it really is the thing of people like say, Louis CK and Chris Rock and any other number of professional comedians. So let's not call that My Thing. Some people at work might think that My Thing is working out. I will not claim that as My Thing, though. There are way too many other dudes that have claimed that. Most of them live in Jersey. They take steroids and lift way too much weight and don't eat anything but supplements. That's not me. I will not claim working out as My Thing. Computers? I know a lot about computers. I can fix and make them do more than most people. That makes me good at using computers but it doesn't make it My Thing. There are people out there who can make their computer go into other people's computers who don't want them in their computers and then they can root around in other people's computers and do things that those other people may not want them to do on their computers. I can't do that. I don't even know where to start. I have an idea, but no real incentive or reason to do so. Less than that, I don't even ever really use the command line on any of my computers unless I'm following directions directly off the Internet on how to use it. Though, I did just use the term “command line” and that’s pretty computer nerdy. Anyway, anyone can follow command line directions from the Internet. So, not My Thing. What else? Improv? Nope. Kinda, yeah, but nope. No one in the improv community would be all, "Jeff Ford, that guy is improv. He's got this shit down." There are lots and lots of people for whom improv is their thing and those people are way better at it than me. Now, don't get confused. I'm not saying that I have to be the best at something for that thing to be My Thing. I'm just not sure that those things could be My Thing because it belongs to so many other people who have really taken it to a different level. Plus, I’m not willing to hang out at iO 24/7 — that’s a requirement for making improv Your Thing in Chicago. I’ve taken those things to a certain level but not a different level. To an outsider it might seem like I've taken it to a different level, but the insiders know better. Anyway, I'm not willing to call either of those things My Thing. Especially because I'll eventually stop doing improv. I know this already. Loving my daughter? That could definitely be My Thing. I know that is also a lot of people's thing but I'm okay with that. I'm more than ready to love the absolute shit out of my daughter. Hell, I'm already doing it. I went into her room this morning while she was sleeping to get my clothes for work (my clothes are all in the closet in her room) and she looked up at me in the dark, dark, darkness of the room because she has some kind of super night vision and it was just about the best thing ever. I had to reach into the crib and stroke her head and face and then rub her back and try to put her back to sleep. So yeah, that could be My Thing. Maybe looking for My Thing is My Thing.

****

Dancing With the Stars Week 3 - A Review

2011-10-04T13:00:00.000-05:00

Elisabetta Canales went home last week. You can’t be pretty and a bitch and expect people to like you. Am I the only person in America who is sick of Kardashians?

This week the “stars” tell the story of the most memorable year of their life through their dance. Brooke tells us to prepare our tissues. Why? Everyone else’s story is going to pale in comparison to the wounded soldier’s tale of sacrifice. Kristin Cavallari is going to tell the tale of that one time when her spray tan was a little splotchy.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Foxtrot

Rob most memorable year is the year his father passed away. He even got a tattoo of his dad on his forearm. You know, in case he forgets. He’ll be dancing to Frank Sinatra’s “Fly Me To the Moon” because it was one of his dad’s favorite songs.

This is the first time I’ve ever seen a Kardashian think and man is he really thinking hard about this dance. I can almost see the think waves flying off of him. I bet he moves his lips when he reads. After the dance, they cut to his family giving a standing ovation, except Kim is not standing. Maybe she doesn’t know the dance is over. The old judge says, “You just put the ‘dash’ in Kardashian.” The gay judge compares him to Guys and Dolls but Rob has no idea what that is. Neither do I. The lady judge like it because he improves every week. Isn’t that what you are supposed to do?

My score: I have Post Traumatic Kardashian Disorder.

Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani — Rhumba

An awful person

Surprise! Her most memorable year was the year she released her only hit song. She was also drinking and doing drugs. Then she got clean and married Billy Baldwin. So many mistakes. I’m sure you’re not surprised that she’s dancing to her own song, “Hold On.” During rehearsal, she breaks down crying. Why? Because she released a hit song and married another star? Does she realize that J.R. suffered permanent physical (and presumably psychological) damage serving his country?

I’d forgotten how bad this song is — especially when this band covers it. Her dance feels like dance by numbers. It’s like his partner is afraid to let her dance full speed. BUT WAIT! She did the dramatic fist clench that everyone uses to make fun of people trying to be dramatic! There is nothing too cheesy for this show! NOTHING! The gay judge said, “You belong in a museum.” I think he meant insane asylum. The lady judge told her, “You are stunning to watch. It’s like butter.” Yes, she’s like stunning butter. The old judge said that she’s “going to be here for weeks and weeks.” God, I hope not. During her interview she says dance for the people who have “come over from the darkness into the light.” Zombies?

My score: Everything is awful.

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Rhumba

I bet you would never have guessed that he’s going to be dancing to one of his father’s songs, “Laugh At Me.” He’s chosen this past year as his most memorable year because he’s finally happy. He claims it’s his theme song. I’m sure he was under zero pressure to dance to one of his parents’ songs.

I hate to speak ill of the dead (no I don’t), but this song is terrible. It’s Sonny Bono doing a bad Bob Dylan impression. In fact, it’s a complete rip off of Bob Dylan’s “Like A Rolling Stone.” He just changed the lyrics. The lady judge says that she’s “touched by his courage.” The old judge says it was the best dance he’s seen him do. The gay judge talks about how hard the Rhumba is but doesn’t really give him any notes. The judges have given up. They’re just waiting for him to get voted off.

My score: Can Dylan sue Bono even though he’s dead?

Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas — Samba

Kristin’s most memorable year? 2005, the year she graduated high school and moved to LA to pursue her career, such as it is. She’s dancing to Beyoncé’s “Crazy In Love” because, you know, it’s a song.

She looks uncomfortable and lost because Mark throws in every Beyoncé dance move he can think of. With the exception of my wife, skinny white girls can’t dance like Beyoncé. The old judge liked everything but the Beyoncé stuff, which was practically all of it. The gay judge and lady judge both liked it. After the dance, they show Jay Cutler in the audience. Cue the Bears fans freak out!

My score: Seriously, guys.

Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Tango

“It’s My Life” by No Doubt. Carson’s most memorable year was the year Queer Eye for the Straight Guy came out. He said it was the first time he felt comfortable with himself. He had always been the dorky kid in school. He’s dancing for “the dweeby kids that don’t get picked for sports.” See, it gets better.

The dude might not be able to dance but he can whip his head around like he’s watching a tennis match on fast forward. The gay judge says, “That was insanely brilliant.” The lady judge says, “I love you because you brought us drama.” The old judge says, “You put the ‘boy’ in ‘flamboyant’.” Carson just pizazzed them into thinking he was good.

My score: Cardigan sweaters for everyone!

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Rhumba

No surprise that his most memorable year was the year that he was injured and the depression he suffered. Not fair, this is actual pain and suffering that I can’t make fun of. He’ll be dancing to Tim McGraw’s “If You’re Reading This” which is about a dead soldier who has written a letter home to his family. I’ll say one thing about country music artists: they really know how to pander to their fan base.

A good person

Again, he looks like the only dancer who knows what he’s doing. He makes it nice and slow and boring and you can practically see the judges peeing with excitement. The crowd goes wild. He gets emotional after the dance. The lady judge is choked up and struggles to say anything. She ends up thanking him for his dance. The old judge tells him that he dances at a level that is “completely unexpected.” Then he dares to criticize him for something. The crowd drags him away and begins eating his limbs. The gay judge says something unintelligible and calls him “my darling.”

My score: 9

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Waltz

Nancy decides that she’s going to dance to “Moon River.” Does that mean we’re going to see her ass this week? She tells the story of being pregnant with her twins when her lungs and heart started filling up with fluid. Wait, is she the lady from Kate Plus Eight? No? She didn’t know if she or her children were going to survive. They survived and now she has to dance.

What a weird fucking song to dance to. So weird that I had to switch over to the Colts game for several minutes. I’m assuming that we did not get to see her “moon river.” I just grossed myself out. The old judge tells her to get the “ballroom stretch.” I can only assume that’s some sort of innuendo. The gay judge thought she was “soft and dreamy.” The lady judge was “transported” and said it felt like a “live action lullaby.” Isn’t a live action lullaby just someone singing a lullaby?

My score: Colts 10, Bucs 0

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Rhumba

We already know her story. Her house burned down and she met her husband in the same year which is this year. She told herself she would never get married and never do Dancing With the Stars. Now she’s doing both. Is this what we’ve come to? Do desperate “stars” sit around telling themselves that they won’t do Dancing With the Stars? She’s dancing to “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles.

What is this song? It’s part “Little Drummer Boy” and part whiny, angst-y, whiny girly song. Ugh. She’s acting too hard, but she comes just short of doing the dramatic fist clench. The gay judge compares it to a poem. Not any specific poem, just a poem. The lady judge says “Ricki Lake is on FIIIII-YO!” It just got stree in here. The old judge congratulates the pro on a great routine and Ricki on dancing it so well.

My score: Ricki dance like poem. Me like.

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Cha Cha

Hope’s most memorable year was also this year because of the Women’s World Cup. In case you weren’t paying attention, they lost the final to Japan. This was the first time she realized sports aren’t always about winning. Only losers say that. She’ll be dancing to “Tonight” by Enrique Iglesias. Maks struggles with getting her to dance sexy and does this by calling her “a big girl.” Had he ever met a woman before this show?

Hope’s interpretation of sexy involves constant and overstated pouty lips. The lady judge and gay judge agree that she needs to work on her sexy walk. Walk? How about the dance? The old judge thought the routine was too provocative but her best dance so far. I thought it was weird and Curtis Painter is terrible.

My score: Being sexy and dancing sexy are two very different things.

David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Rhumba

Everyone’s most memorable year was this past year. His marriage fell apart and he drank too much. I wish one of the “stars” would have said that Dancing With the Stars is their most memorable part of the year and gotten all meta on us. Anyway, he’s better now and loves his daughter and stuff. He’ll be dancing to “Ooh Child.”

We really don’t need to see David Arquette’s bare chest. We’d much rather see Kym Johnson’s bare chest. Instead, we get to see her in a trumped up bathing suit. This band manages to butcher songs that are tailor made for them. The old judge thought he did a great job and says it’s the best dance he’s done. The gay judge says he brought “vulnerability and sensitivity.” The lady judge says, “Very nice comeback.”

My score: Open your mouth when you speak.

****

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

2011-10-03T07:00:00.000-05:00

I make an effort to not post about football since I have the impression that the people who read this aren’t really interested in football. Guess what. I like football and I’m going to write about it. In fact, I’m going to make every Monday post during the football season a “Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things” post. The title pretty much says it all. You’ll get some football and you’ll get some other stuff.

Also, how about the new layout? Like it? Don’t like it? Let me know what you think in the comments or on Facebook or Twitter.

Late in the third quarter of the Notre Dame-Purdue game I said to my wife, “Maybe Purdue should stick to making boilers because this football thing doesn’t seem to be working out.” The Irish finally put everything together and blasted the Boilermakers 38-10. I was happy, but I would rather they play afternoon games so that I don’t have to worry about my cheering waking up the baby.

Two of the most interesting match-ups (#8 Nebraska at #7 Wisconsin and #3 Alabama at #12 Florida) of the day just happened to be scheduled at the same time as the Notre Dame game. With my old TiVo this wasn’t a problem as I could bounce quickly between three games with little trouble. However, I recently had my receiver replaced with one of Directv’s own models. It was a fucking nightmare to try to flip between three games. Plus, the receiver reacts about three seconds after I press a button on the remote, so I have to anticipate the end of the play in the game I’m watching in order to maximize my experience. In the end, this “upgrade” managed to set me back about five years. Thankfully, all three games got out of hand real fast so there wasn’t much urgency. All I’m asking is to watch three games at once on one TV, I think that’s reasonable.

If you’ve only ever experienced the DVR of your cable or satellite company and never used TiVo, you don’t know what you are missing. TiVo puts those DVRs to shame. TO SHAME!

I don’t care how much you paid for that perfume, nothing smells better than Johnson’s Baby Shampoo.

Remember when offensive linemen had to remain still as a statue prior to the snap? Now they’re twisting and pointing and adjusting their feet and generally flailing around like failed So You Think You Can Dance contestants. How do the refs even know when someone jumps offsides?

I’ve completely given up hope that offensive linemen will ever again line up on the line of scrimmage.

ESPN kept cutting away from the Notre Dame game for updates they called “SportsCenter Right Now” and would consistently show highlights from games that were already over. I get enough lying from my politicians, I don’t need it from my sports networks, too.

Are there really two shows based on fairy tales this fall?

The Colts didn’t play yesterday so I was free to watch any game I wanted during the two Sunday slots. Of course, it works out that there were absolutely zero interesting match-ups all day. I decided to tune in to the game Gus Johnson was calling. Unfortunately, even Gus couldn’t make Vikings-Chiefs sound exciting. Those teams are awful.

As a football fan who lives in Chicago, I feel the need to watch a good portion of the Bears game each week. Each week I thank God that I’m not a Bears fan. That team plays an unwatchable brand of football. I feel like they win by accident.

On the other hand, if Directv had a Devin Hester Returns Kicks Alert, I’d switch to the Bears game every time that popped up.

Yes, I know the Colts are absolutely painful to watch this year.

If you want to talk to me about your Fantasy Football team, I’ll probably listen politely and even engage you a bit but just know that I’m rolling my eyes inside.

Also, I think Fantasy Football has completely destroyed most people’s ability to honestly evaluate players. Especially Tony Romo.

Why is J-Lo famous again? I thought we were rid of her.

So everyone is just okay with an NFL in which Sanchez and Flacco aren’t in danger of losing their jobs to the next guy?

On that note, why do so many people seem to root for dudes like Cam Newton and Tim Tebow to fail? You’d think we’d root for every new QB to be the best thing ever. Wouldn’t the NFL be so much more fun to watch?

Bob Costas is a fantastic guest on Dave Letterman’s show but he’s pretty much intolerable anywhere else.

I’m sure NFL coaches find it comforting that if they don’t find a job with a team, they can always do Coors commercials that make them look like complete idiots.

****

The Friday Roundup

2011-09-30T07:00:00.000-05:00

If you just let your mind go blank for a few seconds every day, you can train yourself to be really good at letting your mind go blank. Also, Friday Roundup.

This Week in Mindsilt

Monday:

I gave you my thoughts about the weekend.

Tuesday:

My review of Week 2 of Dancing With the Stars.

Thursday:

I told you a little bit about the best parts of my day.

Tweet of the Week

From Rob Delaney:

I just took a MASSIVE Kardashian.

See it here.

From the Mindsilt Archive

Back in 2008 my mom was just learning how to use her computer and she was fascinated by all the little things it could do — like the “neat little square” in Gmail. Now she spends large amounts of time on Farmville. I've created a monster.

Video of the Week

A brilliant speech by Rick Perry.

****

The Best Part of My Day

2011-09-29T07:00:00.000-05:00

The Five Best Things in My Day Pre-May 18, 2011

1. Seeing my wife when I get home from work.

2. My workout.

3. Reading before bed.

4. Writing in the evening.

5. Climbing into bed.

The Five Best Things in My Day Post-May 18, 2011

1. Seeing my daughter when I get home from work.

2. Seeing my wife when I get home from work.

3. Making my daughter smile and/or laugh.

4. Making up songs to sing to my daughter.

5. Saying goodnight to my daughter.
****

Dancing With the Stars Week 2 - A Review

2011-09-27T13:00:00.000-05:00

This week we will be without Metta World Peace. You say, “Yes, there are several wars raging throughout the world.” I say, “No, that’s what Ron Artest is now calling himself.” He won’t regret that change, nor will I regret that he went home.

This week the cast will be doing Quicksteps and Jives. I guess there are still too many contestants for theme weeks but I absolutely cannot wait for Adult Diaper Week.

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Jive

Hope is still playing soccer—she took “don’t quit your day job” to heart. Maks goes to one of her games and we see her goalie-ing like crazy. The Canadians can’t get anything past her. Once she’s done with soccer, she’s going directly to dance practice. This is the first season that Maks isn’t actively trying to sleep with his partner. I’m not sure why.

Hello. Did I mention that she’s sexy? They dress her in a half top and some super tight pants. I now know things about Hope Solo that only her doctor knows. The old judge says, “It was booyakachaka.” Yes, he said that word and flashed some sort of gang symbol. Everyone over 60 just turned off their TVs. The gay judge tells her that her power is not enough and that she needs more practice. The lady judge says that she’s fun and flirtatious but she needs more polish. At least they laid off the strong woman = bad dancer crap they were spouting last week. Even though it was thoroughly covered in the practice clips, Brooke asks, “What is it like switching between soccer and dancing?” Brooke, what is it like switching between shoe commercials and asking the dumbest questions of all time?

My score: Seriously, don’t quit your day job.

Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas — Quickstep

During rehearsal she wears a shirt that reads, “Vote for Kristin and Mark.” Is that to remind herself? Brooke begs us to vote every three seconds, I don’t think we need more reminders. They’re not even attempting to remind us why these people may or may not be famous.

They dress her up like Marilyn Monroe if Marilyn Monroe could eat New York City in one bite. As usual, Mark goes a little nuts. The gay judge says, “I’ve been bedazzled by the blond bombshell.” No, you’ve been bedazzled by your stylist. The lady judge loved it. The old judge tells her she looks fantastic but the dance wasn’t as good as she looks. I bet he’s great on dates, “You’re sexy but awful.”

My score: Maybe his stylist is a blond bombshell.

David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Jive

David fancies himself “silly and complicated.” At one point, he thinks they’ve got it but Kym tells him it was terrible. He’s shocked. Why does he dress like a newsie for rehearsals?

He’s wearing a gold suit. Kym is wearing very little. I approve. You know how kids dance when they think they are actually doing dance steps? Yep, that’s what David is doing. Pretty sure his daughter could have done better. In fact, his daughter looks at him after the dance like, “I could have done better.” The lady judge says he’s very enthusiastic but he almost lost control. Almost? I’d say “completely.” The old judge says, “Is it time for Castle? Any time that was a Jive was purely by coincidence.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. The old judge is clearly out to prove a point tonight. That point is, “I’m sick of watching these hacks murder dance.”

My score: Murder Dance. Next, on Castle.

Elisabetta Canales and Val Chmerkovskiy — Quickstep

During rehearsal she’s clearly frustrated and Val calls her out for not wanting to be there. We are then treated to the standard fight where the contestant thinks the pro is treating her like shit and the pro thinks that she’s not trying. This show recycles storylines like oil companies raise prices. In the end Elisabetta comes off looking worse than BP.

Val decided to choreograph a dance that has her standing around more she’s dancing. It works. The old judge, “It’s not great but it was better than last week.” The gay judge loves it but it’s because they are both Italian. The lady judge thinks that she nailed it. Brooke asks, “You looked surprised when you were safe last week, what was the deal with that?” Elisabetta replies, “I am happy. I am sorry. I have dancing.” Or something.

My score: We have to know who you are before we’ll tolerate you being a bitch.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Jive

During rehearsal, Rob has a moment where he realizes that he’s bad at dancing and he nearly breaks down in tears. Nope. Not buying it. No way I’m I ever going to feel sorry for a Kardashian. I don’t care if that tiny little dog in his purse gets eaten by a dinosaur, I feel no sympathy. No one in that family deserves any of my energy.

Rob spends the whole dance looking like he’s afraid of touching his partner. Cheryl has dumbed this dance way down. The gay judge says that “he’s starting to find his own voice.” I think he’s judging the wrong competition. The lady judge says, “It’s official, Rob Kardashian is a better dancer than Kim Kardashian.” Yes, but everyone is a better dancer than Kim Kardashian. The old judge says it was a great improvement. When Brooke asks, “Where’s the lack of confidence coming from?” Rob says, “It’s not my thing to go out there in front of people and look people in the eyes and things.” Communication ain’t your thing? Thank god you can just ride your sister’s coattails.

My score: Hatedashian.

Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Quickstep

Carson thinks this might be his dance until he actually starts dancing. The rehearsal clips make him look comically bad and not in a way that makes you think he’ll pull it together for the performance.

They shoot the beginning of the dance in black and white because someone must have just figured out how to work the “effects” button. When the color comes back on, they are dressed in blinding colors. He dances with his mouth open the whole time like he’s waiting for Anna to jump in. The dance is awkward and he messes up several times. The lady judge says, “I saw improvement but she’s not sure what happened to it in the dance.” So did you see improvement or not? The old judge says, “If I held a knife and fork like you held Anna, I’d starve to death. The trouble is that the worst dancers are the most fun to watch.” See what I mean? This dude is angry today. The gay judge just insults their clothes.

My score: One raging old guy.

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Jive

Ricki mentions Kirstie Alley again. Seriously, are they buddies? Lovers? What is the deal with these two? Is it weird that she seems the most well adjusted of the group?

The wardrobe department has decided that Pepto-Bismol is her color. They do a super crazy dance that feels like it should belong somewhere in Week 6. Trust me, I know these things now. The crowd goes wild. The old judge likes that she attacked it and it was an improvement on last week. The gay judge says that she’s the first one to do the kicks and flicks correctly, then adds, “And you got to sit on Derek as well.” The lady judge says, “Best job of the night so far.”

My score: Pepto Queen!

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Quickstep

Chaz’s knees hurt. Also, his knees really hurt. Also, he’s afraid that his kneecap is going to explode and fly across the room. Also, he’s got severe pain in his… Oh, Christ, just shut up and dance you whiny little man.

You didn’t accidentally hit the slow-mo button on your TiVo, folks. This is Chaz dancing at full speed. The gay judge says, “It was like watching a little Ewok dancing with Princess Leia.” The lady judge says that she could see him in pain. The old judge says that he like his grit and determination but that “it was the quickstep and I move faster through the car wash.” Chaz says he wants to stick around but this horse has a broken leg. Time to put him down.

My score: *blows out knee*

Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani — Jive

Tony spends most of the rehearsal time teaching Chynna left and right. When she screws up she says “fudge.” Eventually, she gets so frustrated she swears and says, “I’m just going to have to start cursing. Sorry, Jesus, but I have to curse.” Yes, because there’s a discernible difference in the intent behind “fudge” and “fuck.”

Chaz did his dance at half speed but Chynna is doing her dance half assed. She’s trying to make up for it with her face. The lady judge asks Chynna if she is injured because she danced scared. The old judge says it was a “polite jive.” The gay judge says that there’s a sexy siren that is trying to come out because the problem is always that it’s not sexy enough. Brooke asks, “How’s your relationship with Tony?” Chynna says, “It’s great. I can’t express it in words.” How about, “It’s great?”

My score: Do they let people drop out of fifth grade?

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Quickstep

She looks completely baffled the entire time she’s rehearsing. Maybe she’s also trying to figure out who the hell she is. Is she a real-life character from one of those serious comic strips? When Tristan asks her to show him the dance, she just says “no” over and over and then refuses to dance. He walks out. For someone that nobody knows, she’s delightful.

Yikes. Brown is not her color. Also, her boob pops out of her dress and the camera cuts away to a large section of the crowd sitting motionless. The old judge liked that they did a proper quickstep. The gay judge liked it but probably because he saw her nipple. The lady judge picks a fight with the old judge because she wants more razzmatazz. Dancing With the Stars, where razzmatazz is a hot-button issue.

Also, fuck these super loud commercials.

My score: I know who she is! She’s that lady who exposed her nipple on Dancing With the Stars.

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Jive

No one will be using the phrase “burning up the dance floor” to describe his dancing, but not because he’s a bad dancer. He’s worried that he’s the least well known of the contestants so he has to work harder. He’s the underdog. Right, because a wounded veteran needs to play the underdog card.

They use Instagram to shoot the beginning of their dance. He is by far the best dancer. It’s not even close. He’s the only one that looks like he knows what he’s doing. Can we just eliminate everyone but him and Ricki Lake and call it a season? Seriously, the rest of the dancers should be ashamed. He’s a better person and a better dancer. The gay judge calls it the “most satisfying performance of the night.” The lady judge is pissed that they did a lift but loved it otherwise. The old judge didn’t like it because it was a Lindy Hop instead of a Jive. Wow, someone pooped in his Cheerios this morning.

My score: Seriously, let’s end this.
****

Thoughts About the Weekend

2011-09-26T07:00:00.000-05:00

My child has definitely inherited daddy’s ability to create nasty farts. However, she has taken it to the next level of toxicity. I’m so proud.

I would be worried if I was a Steelers fan. Your team was almost beaten by a Peyton Manning-less Colts team because your offensive line couldn’t stop Mathis and Freeney. Plus, about seventeen of your offensive linemen went down with injuries last night. Good luck avenging that Ravens beating you took in week one.

Well, well, well, Notre Dame. I see you are back to your old let’s-gain-500-yards-and-turn-the-ball-over-in-critical-situations strategy. It didn’t work this time. You actually won. I’ll see you next week.

Speaking of football, I had a strangely satisfying, yet completely weird conversation about this weekend’s games. See it here.

My dog is dumb enough to think that hiding only her face is good enough to keep me from seeing her, but she’s smart enough to know that it’s raining even though all the blinds are closed. I don’t have a joke for this, just know that dogs are weird.

Brownies are delicious.

Dee and I got to go out for drinks with our friends on Saturday night. She’s still good at looking sexy, everyone.

I know I’ve said this before, but watch the opening song to Sunday Night Football. Faith Hill is the definition of awkward.

Google should not be allowed to run that Google Chrome commercial where the dad sets up an email account for his daughter and sends her messages while I’m gently rocking my daughter to sleep. My crying wakes her up every time.
****

The Friday Roundup

2011-09-23T07:00:00.000-05:00

So yesterday was a whole thing. There was this guy on the phone and he was confused and he got all mad about it and then he was all, “Can someone resend me that document?” I was all, “I hate you,” but the phone was on mute so he didn’t hear me. Also, Friday Roundup.

This Week in Mindsilt

Monday:

My daughter loves me. Her clothes tell me so.

Tuesday:

Dancing With the Stars is back and I’m back with my reviews.

Thursday:

It was time to be funny but I just couldn’t find it.

Tweet of the Week

From Michael Ian Black:

Does anybody know of a good book that will tell me what to do and threaten with eternal torment if I don’t do it?

See it here.

From the Mindsilt Archive

A brilliant video that reads one way forward and another backwards.

Video of the Week

Bird mimic.

****

Time To Be Funny

2011-09-22T07:00:00.000-05:00

Okay, it’s another blog post which means that it’s time to be funny. So let's see. What should I be funny about? We’re not watching commercials together so I can’t make fun of commercials. I’m hilarious when I make fun of commercials. Dee loves it when I do that. She also kinda hates it. I guess I could do the next best thing and rant about something, but I don't really feel like ranting. Boy, this is going to be tough. If I don't have a commercial handy then I'm probably not going to be funny. All I have here is a computer with a mostly blank screen in front of me. Sheesh. I've got nothing to deal with here, people. How do you expect me to be funny about an empty screen that I'm typing on? I can't. I can't do it. Blank screens aren’t funny. They might be mildly amusing in the sense that I could do a joke about writer’s block that we’ve all heard before, but that’s not my style. You're asking me to pull funny from nothingness. Nothingness is not funny. Unless it’s the kind of nothingness that comes from humankind obliterating itself. That shit is funny on so many levels, but it’s not what we’re dealing with here. We’re just dealing with plain old blank page nothingness. This nothingness didn’t come from a hilarious tragedy. This nothingness is way too nothing to be funny. There has to be something. Even a little something. Something can be funny but nothing will not be. It's incredibly frustrating. In fact, I think we can call this a failure. I've typed several sentences already and none of them have been funny. Not a one. That's failure. It's not like I'm working up to it anymore. I've had that time. I had plenty of ramp up time. I should be fully ramped by now. In fact, I should be off the ramp and onto the expressway of hilarity by this point. I'm clearly not there. Not by far. In fact, I'm not even sure that I'm on the ramp yet. I'm far from the ramp. I'm still in the parking lot. I haven't even gotten into the car yet. It's really pretty fucking sad. It's like I've forgotten my keys or something. Yes, that is exactly it. I completely forgot my keys and that's why I'm not being funny. I can't even get to the point where I can ramp up. It's sad and I've just wasted your time. For that I apologize. I am truly sorry.
****

Dancing With the Stars Premiere - A Review

2011-09-20T13:00:00.000-05:00

It's safe to assume that the "Stars" in "Dancing With the Stars" now refers to the dance pros on the show. They are easily more famous than each and every one of the stars this season.

Oh god. Brooke Burke is back. Why hasn’t she been fired yet? She’s the only person worse at her job than Congress. She’s now calling herself Brooke Burke Sharvey or something. No one seems to care. Everyone keeps calling her Brooke Burke. Tom Bergeron is calling this cast the “most talked about cast ever.” By whom? I demand to know who was talking about these losers. They need to be hunted down and locked in Canadian jail.

Ron Artest and Peta Murgatroyd — Cha Cha

Ron won an NBA championship with the Lakers but he’s best known for beating up fans in Detroit and ruining the best chance my Indiana Pacers ever had at winning a championship. He will never be forgiven — especially now that he’s doing a bad Dennis Rodman impression. His partner knows that she won’t be on the show long.

The costume department apparently can’t tell the difference between Ron and Dennis Rodman. Thank you for completing his fantasy. You know how old people lean forward when they walk because their backs hurt? That’s how Ron dances. After the only dance of the season, I’m confident that he will be going home first. The old judge thought it was “all sizzle, no sausage.” The gay judge used the phrase “length of bone.” The lady judge said, “Now we know who the wild one is going to be.” Really? Did we not know he would be wild? In the backstage interview, Ron wastes no time making creepy comments about Brooke Burke. Are we sure this isn’t Dennis Rodman?

My score: I hate you, Ron Artest.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Viennese Waltz

He’s a fucking Kardashian. His job is to chase fame wherever it isn’t. During practice, he keeps trying to put his partner in her place because “she’s his woman.” Good to see that living with about fifteen women hasn’t taught him to respect them at all. At one point he asks, “Do you feel like you’re with a man?” She says, “I feel like I’m with a boy.” He then stomps his feet and says, “Don’t say that!”

The gay judge thinks he’s stiff and scared. The lady judge thinks he has potential, but she also has a crush on every male contestant. At one point one of his 23 sisters shouts something from the audience because she can’t stand not being on camera. The old judge was “not impressed but not depressed.” Not one of his sisters could bother to tell him that his mustache makes him look like a pedophile? Really?

My score: Kardouchian.

Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas — Cha Cha

The first thing she says is, “I’m not a bitch.” If you have to say it… She talks about her engagement and breakup with Jay Cutler but she doesn’t mention him by name. It turns out she was on a TV show before she dated Cutler. I thought she was famous because she dated a famous quarterback. Go figure. Mark spends the entire rehearsal time trying to get her to shake her ass.

I forgot. This is the guy that always makes every routine about him. They dress Kristin all sexy and he just kinda flails around her. Also, her mouth is enormous. Her mouth could swallow two Julia Roberts mouths. The lady judge is excited by her potential. The old judge is disappointed that she didn’t give the same energy for the performance as she did in the rehearsal clip. The gay judge gets all sexy talky and then he actually gives her dancing notes. Weird.

My score: Tony Romo is single.

Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani — Viennese Waltz

She’s married to Billy Baldwin? Why would he marry a professional wrestler? Wait, she’s a singer? Who? She was in a band with a beach ball? What? Are we sure she’s not that professional wrestler? When I Googled her the Internet laughed at me. The only interesting part of her rehearsal is when she kicks her partner in the nuts. She looks awful in rehearsal so she’ll absolutely nail this.

It is boring as hell, so she totally nailed it. The old judge said it wasn’t the best dance he’s ever seen but it’s real close. The gay judge loved it and then babbled in his own personal language. The lady judge got a lady boner. Instead of talking to Chynna and Tony, Brooke spends most of the interview promoting tomorrow’s show.

My score: I’ll be on the show next season.

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Cha Cha

She’s that southern lady who cooks everything in butter, right? No? Is she the lady from Chicago’s channel 5 News, Allison Rosati? No? I don’t think I’d recognize Rosati without shoulder pads. Is she Drew Barrymore? No? I have no idea who this person is supposed to be. Tristan is Irish and Nancy pretends to not understand what he means when he says, “Not the second but the third.” In his brogue, “third” comes out like “turd.” Xenophobic much, Nancy?

The gay judge wastes no time making a comment about her boobs. He says that she’s got the moves but doesn’t believe in herself. The lady judge picks on her for forgetting her choreography. The old judge says it was “underwhelming.” I’m still trying to figure out who the hell she is.

My score: Delta Burke? Is she Delta Burke?

David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Viennese Waltz

I know this guy! He was married to David Schwimmer, right? He talks about being sober and how he’s “really into being present.” Yes, I’m also really into existence. He says, “I’m going to do my best impression of a person doing a Viennese Waltz.” Why not just do the Viennese Waltz?

They dance to Queen. Kym looks great but she’s way too covered up. The lady judge says he got lost in the dance. She really likes him (surprise!) and tells him to relax a little. The old judge likes that they went straight into the dance with “no mucking around at the beginning.” The gay judge compares dancing to acting and does it without saying something sexual. Brooke asks him, “What does little Coco think of you being on this show?” The better question is: Why did you name your child after a monkey?

My score: I’m naming my next child Grape Ape.

Elisabetta Canales and Val Chmerkovskiy — Cha Cha

Elisabetta is famous for dating George Clooney. She says, “Dancing With the Stars is a dream come true, to work in the U.S.” Getting a job in the U.S. is many people’s dream right now. Val is Maks little brother so there’s going to be an annoying subplot that Brooke can harp on all season. They rehearsal clip focuses exclusively on Elisabetta’s hips. Her sexy, sexy hips.

They dance to a Katy Perry song. You know, one of the litany of terrible ones. They start the dance in a bed which the old judge is going to hate. You know how you see those 5 year old pageant girls that try to do adult dance moves? That’s how Elisabetta dances. The old judge hates everything about it. The gay judge says, “You’re very good in bed, Elisabetta and you’re very good when handled by a man.” The lady judge thought she was good when dancing with her partner but awful by herself. I’m sure those comments won’t prey on her daddy issues at all.

My score: Ladies, men are the only thing that give you worth.

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Viennese Waltz

I know her, too! She’s the goalie for the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team. They spend the entire rehearsal clip trying to make her look “girly.” Eff that. She’s sexy. Athletes are sexy — especially soccer players. I had a crush on the entire women’s soccer team when I was in college. They’re going to keep making jokes about how strong she is, aren’t they? As a daughter having parent, this makes me angry.

She’s a little stiff, but so am I. The gay judge likes her musicality but tells her she needs to work on her something. I can barely understand him. Xenophobic much, Jeff? The lady judge is impressed by “the body contact.” What? Things keep getting sexier. The old judge likes what he saw and she just needs to be a little more fluid. The gay judge hits on her partner.

My score: Will you be my second wife?

Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Cha Cha

I would say that they are trying to make him seem even gayer than he already is but I don’t think that’s possible. I hope he’s a good dancer because he’ll be the only interesting character on this show. Though, we don’t need to see him shout for more glitter anymore. So help me, that better not become the “punch for America” quote of this show.

Remember that awful brown everyone wore in the ‘70s? That’s what they are both wearing. The lady judge says that it’s her favorite dance of the night but that he wasn’t technically sound. The old man says there were elements of swagger and stagger but that it was fun. The gay judge says it’s “full out outrageous fun.” Brook asks Carson an awful question and he pulls her out of the fire by giving a fantastic answer. He’s just good enough to keep Brooke from getting fired.

My score: Two glitter cannons.

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Viennese Waltz

J.R. Is an actor on a soap opera and a war veteran who was badly burned in Iraq. Whether he’s good or not, he’s going to be around for a while. There isn’t an American that casts a vote for this show that won’t throw one the way of a wounded and disfigured vet. Like most people who have been through something horrible, he’s relentlessly positive which makes us all feel stupid for bitching about our boring jobs.

He’s pretty good. The old judge says it was just right and he was right up there with the best performances of the night. The gay judges loves his hips but he needs a little bit of polish. The lady judge says she was touched and she likes his confidence. It takes confidence to pull off a burnt face every single day of your life. Brooke asks, “Did you ever imagine when you were in Iraq that you’d end up in a ballroom dancing here?” He responds with, “Yes, of course.” I like this guy for calling out a stupid, stupid question.

My score: +1 for the Burke smack.

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Viennese Waltz

She was inspired to do this by Kirstie Alley. They are drinking buddies, right? I suddenly can’t imagine that Ricki Lake and Kirstie Alley don’t hang out all the time. I’m pretty sure they are roommates. She is this season’s Kirstie Alley.

Have you ever taken Pepto Bismol and then thrown it up later? That’s the color of the dress she’s wearing. The gay judge and lady judge love her dance. The old judge decides to get “picky, Ricki” but he likes it overall.

My score: Next week she loses her shoe.

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Cha Cha

He explains what transgender means to everyone. If you don’t know, I hate you. He works hard and struggles a bit with his weight and because he’s older but mostly he’s just boring.

Chaz is transgender but his partner looks like a transvestite. Between the über-blond hair and really overdone spray tan, she looks ridiculous. The lady judge loves it and thought he had great energy. The old judge liked his energy, too. That’s what they say when they don’t like it but are afraid to critique you, right? The gay judge says that he was cuddly and cute.

My score: Boring.

****

She Loves Me

2011-09-19T07:00:00.000-05:00

This is the multi-layered outfit that Dee dressed Scarlett in the other day:

Daddy loves me.

Daddy does love her.

I love daddy.

And she loves Daddy.

Everything in this post is true.

****

The Friday Roundup

2011-09-16T07:00:00.000-05:00

How about those mold and pollen counts? Through the roof, huh? Gesundheit.

This Week in Mindsilt

Monday:

I wrote about the pain of football.

Tuesday:

My review of the Finale of The Bachelor Pad.

Thursday:

I shared with you my super secret 750words.com entry from Wednesday.

Tweet of the Week

From Alex Baze:

If you vote against Obama because he can’t get stuff done, it’s kinda like saying, “this guy can’t cure cancer. I’m gonna vote for cancer.”

See it here.

From the Mindsilt Archive

My dog found my computer unattended and decided to write something for all of you.

Video of the Week

Drive safely, everyone. Or not.

****

750 Words

2011-09-15T07:00:00.000-05:00

Every day I write at least 750 words. In fact, there is a site called 750words.com that I use for this purpose. It's usually just stream of consciousness stuff and the point is to just write. Once you know that you can hammer out 750 words every single day no matter how stuck you're feeling, Writer's Block becomes a thing of the past.

Anyway, I've decided to include my unedited 750 words entry from yesterday for your enjoyment. I thought it was strange and fun and interesting--which isn't always the case with these posts. Enjoy.

---

Again, I have to write for real. Thankfully, no one will ever read this. Unless they do and then they are reading this right now.

Ugh. I just sneezed oatmeal across my office. Gross. I think I have more oatmeal than I can eat this morning.

Anyway, you're reading this right now. I'm not sure how you came across this but no matter what, you've found some way to hack into these posts. You've either figured out my password--which is undoubtedly something different than it was when I was writing this--or you've hacked into the 750 words servers. Either way, you've found something that is supposed to be private. I don't want you to feel guilty, though. I don't really care. There's nothing here that I need to hide. All of the good stuff that I really need to hide is kept locked away in my brain where no one will ever get to it. Unless they have developed some kind of technology that can pull data from your brain in your future and you still have my brain lying around. My plan is to be cremated, though, so you may not have anything to work with. Anyway, all the good stuff is up there. Like the secret location of the million plus dollars I have stashed away from that bank heist I pulled off back in the '80s. And how I disposed of the bodies from my murder spree in Oshkosh, WI in the '90s. See, nobody knows about any of that stuff. There are some other things, but they are even worse. Not rape. I've never raped nor molested anyone, nothing like that. Mostly it's soul stealing kind of shit. You know, Black Magic. Crazy, crazy stuff. Anyway, that stuff is locked up in my brain and you'll never get it, Person Who Is Reading This. Also, I've had impure thoughts about women. Very impure. So there's that too, but you'll never know. I bet you totally want to know, don't you?

Today is my brother's birthday.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I've done some really terrible things. I mean bank theft? Murder? Those are pretty bad. I mean, the money in that bank in San Francisco belonged to a bunch of nice San Franciscans, I'm sure. Some of them probably weren't so nice, but that's the way the world is, isn't it? Those people probably lost their money. Or maybe they didn't because it's all sorts of FDIC insured and whatever. Regardless, it wasn't very nice of me to do that. I should probably find their names, addresses and Social Security numbers and send them personalized apology notes that I paid for with their money. That would certainly make me feel better. I can't really do that for the over 300 people I killed in Oshkosh. I suppose I could order flowers for their gravestones. Or maybe I could send notes to their families expressing my condolences. That one is a little tougher to apologize for. Plus, most of them were homeless so they don't have an address or a listed next of kin or anything and they probably don't even have gravestones. What if they wanted to be cremated? Do I buy flowers for their urn? Do they put the flowers in the urn so they stick out the top? Or stickers? I bet you buy condolence stickers for the urn, right? I bet they don't call them stickers, though. I bet they call them something like "Memorial Decals" or "Remembrance Adhesives." That's what I would call them. I bet they have little Virgin Marys and Jesuses and probably some Stars of David. Wait, is it against Jewish law to be cremated? I feel like it is. I don't know. I'll have to look that up. I wonder if any of those homeless people I killed were Jewish. I sure do hope not. I can handle being a murderer, but I don't want to be known as anti-Semitic. That would truly be horrible.

So that's the plan. Apology notes, flowers and urn stickers for everyone. Boy, I sure am glad I wrote my 750 words today. This has really been therapeutic. I think I've made a lot of progress with myself today. I guess this really does serve a purpose, doesn't it? Who knew that this little site could heal? I certainly feel much better now than I did before I started writing what with all the bank robbing and murder spreeing weighing heavily on my mind. Now that I've decided to make amends, I feel much better already.

---

In case you're incredibly thick--or a law enforcement officer of any kind--I've never robbed a bank or murdered anyone. Just wanted to make that clear. Have a nice day.

****

The Bachelor Pad Finale - A Review

2011-09-13T07:00:00.000-05:00

Can you believe it’s coming to an end? How will we survive without Michael’s whining and misplaced rage? How will we feel better about ourselves when we can’t see Vienna be a raging psychopath? What will we do? Oh, that’s right. Dancing With People starts next week.

This week our crew of whiny brats will be heading to Las Vegas for their final challenge.

The Challenge — Cirque du Soleil

They walk into a huge theater and the stage floor rotates to create a giant wall on the stage. Seems like they could have just built a wall, but what do I know about production values? Chris Harrison magically appears from the mist to tell them that for the final challenge they will be suspended on the wall over 100 feet in the air. They have to learn a Cirque du Soleil routine and perform it on the wall. The top couple gets a spot in the finals, the last place group goes home. There will be judges who decide the competition. Everyone is freaking out.

Their routine is one minute long. 50 seconds are already choreographed and they have to improvise for 10 seconds of the routine. Kasey and Vienna immediately start fighting about their 10 seconds. Holly and Michael are just awkward. Graham is very afraid of heights but Michelle claims she’s not nervous even though she gets sick to her stomach. Ella is completely freaked out to the point where I’m not sure if she’s going to do it or not.

Guess what? Michael is being a whiny little bitch.

Guess what else? Watching everyone practice their routines is boring as shit. Everyone stays up all night to practice except Kasey and Vienna who snooze the night away in bed. Did someone forget to tell them the story of the tortoise and hare as children?

The judges are all previous Bachelors and Bachelorettes. Trista, Jason and Alli. Not sure what their qualifications are, but whatever.

Graham and Michelle go first. They kiss before they get onto the wall. For their improvised section they lock hands and do and arm wave, then they do a weird handshake while they dangle in the air. They do it all very, very slowly. It’s pretty terrible.

Kirk and Ella are completely out of sync and it’s clear they are trying to get through it as quickly as possible. Ella looks lost. They’re even worse than Graham and Michelle.

Surprise, surprise, Kasey is confident even though he’s never won a challenge. He says, “I’m a survivor, a dreamer, a believer.” Where does he get this shit? Unfortunately, they are actually really good. They zoom up to the top and then Vienna elbows Kasey and he falls. How apropos.

Holly and Michael are also very good. At the top, Michael falls and Holly chases after him. Then Michael does some spins and cartwheels. The judges are gushing.

Holly and Michael are declared the winners. They have secured their spot in the final and they get to choose the couple that will join them in the final four. Kirk and Ella are the losers and they are immediately sent home. Ella breaks down. She apologizes over and over to Kirk. Her dream of not working for the money to buy a home for her child has been shattered.

Back at the House

Holly and Michael have to choose between Kasey and Vienna and Graham and Michelle. They decide to talk to Kasey and Vienna first. Kasey tries to convince them that Holly and Michael will definitely win if they choose them. As soon as Holly and Michael leave, Vienna starts berating Kasey for talking too much. Kasey doesn’t say a word and just walks off to have a beer alone. When Vienna finds him he says, “I don’t want to hear anything you say. It’s all negative.” She thinks that she knows exactly how to play Holly and Michael and that Kasey screwed it up. Because she never screws anything up — except for her entire life.

Holly and Michael then go to talk to Graham and Michelle. Michael tells them that they think that they would win if they were in the finals with Kasey and Vienna and they think they would lose if they were in the final with Graham and Michelle. Graham gets pissed and says that, “It’s not about money.” No, this is definitely about money, dumbass. He feels betrayed by Michael because he thought they were bros. Then he gets all loud and shouty and Michelle has to talk him down.

The Rose Ceremony

Holly and Michael give a long meaningless speech about selfishness and selflessness. Annoying as shit. It would have been much better if Michael had just cried the whole time. They choose Graham and Michelle to go to the finals because they are the closest to Holly and Michael. It took the entire show for someone to get smart and send Kasey and Vienna home. Vienna breaks down in the car and says to Kasey, “You’re the reason we’re here right now. I’m really upset because my perfect rose record was broken.” Kasey calls Holly and Michael selfish. At least they can feel good that they handled everything with class.

The Finale Show

Brace yourselves for two hours of reliving the entire season.

When Chris introduces each of the cast members, the audience cheers loudly for everyone but Kasey and Vienna. They even cheer for Jake. Jackie announces that she and Ames are not together and she doesn’t know why they didn’t work. Ames just didn’t feel it and it’s clear he feels terrible about it. He won’t even look at Jackie. Jackie admits that she couldn’t get out of bed for a week. Time to see someone, girl. That’s depression. Isn’t it perfect, though? It’s exactly how every Bachelor/ette relationship ends.

When asked about Kasey and Vienna, Gia says that Kasey formed an alliance that couldn’t be broken. William calls out Kasey and Vienna for being a fake “power couple” because they never won a competition. Jake reiterates that he just wanted closure, not the money. Vienna claims that there was closure and that it was behind her, but Chris calls her out for not being nicer to Jake. When she says she was nice to Jake the audience laughs. Chris piles on by saying that she worked really hard to poison everyone else on Jake. Kirk said that people would have been more willing to take her side if she had admitted that she might have had a little to do with the breakup as well. The audience cheers. Vienna pouts. I put a gun in my mouth.

When Jake takes the hot seat, we’re treated to clips of him trying to be nice to Vienna and Vienna being awful to him. What would a Bachelor Pad be without seeing Kasey’s Punch for America quote? The studio is silent after the clips. Jake apologizes again to Vienna for losing his cool with her on the breakup special. Vienna tries to convince everyone that they didn’t fight the whole time and she makes some strange statement about how they played charades and Jake fell off a chair, then she laughs. Crickets. She claims that we didn’t see the majority of the time in the house when it was not hostile. Erica says that it was hostile. You get it, right? She’s completely delusional. When Jake calls out Kasey for the “punch for America,” Kasey immediately apologizes for mistreating him and being a jerk. Jake and Kasey shake hands and hug. Vienna pouts and tries to kill Kasey with her eyes.

It’s Kasey’s turn in the hot seat. Chris calls him the “ringleader.” Kasey’s clip package is all shots of him being cocky and an asshole and everyone talking about how terrible he and Vienna are for each other. Kasey looks genuinely upset after watching the clips. In response to Justin calling him Kermit and Vienna Miss Piggy, he admits that he has a speech impediment and that’s why he talks funny. He still sounds like Kermit. He apologizes for being an ass on the show. He tells Chris that he doesn’t want to have the relationship that he saw on the show. Chris asks Vienna what it’s like to see this and she blames it on being a woman. Really? Most women I know aren’t batshit crazy. She says, “It’s not easy to have America seeing this and judging you,” while Jake nods his head vigorously. William tells Kasey that if they were friends, he would tell them that they do not have a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, William has no friends.

Blake takes the hot seat and Chris immediately begins discussing the situation with Melissa. Instead of just apologizing he gives some lame excuse and tries to justify the whole thing. For the record, I don’t think he needs to apologize but it would serve to make Melissa look even more crazy which I’m all for. Melissa claims that she would have been fine with just being partners and not a couple. She claims that her reaction to his date with Holly did not involve any jealousy at all but that she was pissed about the game. Everyone rolls their eyes. Chris gives Blake a chance to gush about Holly for a while and he says that she’s going to move to South Carolina to be with him. They cut to a clip of him proposing to Holly. She says yes. The crowd goes wild. Jackie looks pissed and disgusted. Melissa looks surprisingly happy. I hope someone checked her for knives.

The Final Four Contestants — Graham and Michelle, Michael and Holly

Michael doesn’t know that Blake and Holly are engaged. This is the first thing Chris brings it up. Holly tells him. Michael looks shocked and says, “Right here?” He fumbles around and asks for a commercial break. He calls out Blake for not letting him know. Really? That’s Blake’s fault? He’s pissed and very passive-aggressive with his congratulations. He’s clearly shocked and surprised and I don’t feel sorry for him at all. Not one bit. Maybe he’ll finally end it. His life, I mean.

Graham and Michelle spend the whole time talking about her dead dad. They’re working hard for the sympathy vote. Graham is sporting a bow tie. That’s why I’d vote for him.

Chris gives the cast a chance to ask some final questions of the couples. Justin asks Holly what she added to the partnership since Michael won all the challenges. Michael answers for her and says that she stuck by him through the whole thing and nailed the wall challenge. Erica says that she likes what Graham and Michelle plan to do with the money but she thought that Michael earned it by actually winning challenges.

Blake calls out Graham and Michelle’s “no drama” policy by saying, “Your strategy was to leave the room. Do you think that earns you the victory?” Graham flat out tells him, “I’m not a big fan of yours. But that was our strategy and I’m not even going to try to sway you.” Wait, why does Graham hate Blake? Seriously, I really don’t get it. Kasey asks both couples why they think they deserve the money more than the other. They refuse to answer and just say that they are lucky to be there. You’re not running for office. Answer the damn question.

The couples need eight votes to move on to the next round. The votes:

Jake — Holly and Michael

Vienna — Michelle and Graham

Kasey — Michelle and Graham

Blake — Holly and Michael

Erica — Holly and Michael

Melissa — Michelle and Graham

William — Michelle and Graham

Jackie — Holly and Michael

Ames — Holly and Michael

Justin — Holly and Michael

Ella — Holly and Michael

Gia — Holly and Michael

Now it’s between Holly and Michael for the $250,000. They are sent to two different rooms. Each room has a “Keep” and “Share” sign. If they both choose Share, they split the money. If one chooses share and one chooses keep, the person who chooses keep gets all the money. If they both choose keep, the rest of the cast splits the money. Chris asks the cast what they think and it’s the biggest fucking waste of time all season. That’s saying a lot. Holly and Michael are escorted back on stage like they are prisoners. Chris asks Michael, “Can you trust Holly?” Michael says, “Yeah, that’s the really big question.” Holly chooses share because she always makes the easy choice. Michael could redeem himself in my eyes if he chooses keep but instead he chooses share because he somehow thinks that he might still win her over. Michael just helped Holly and Blake pay for their wedding.

They spend the next fifteen minutes announcing the new Bachelor. I couldn’t give a shit. I’ve got the worst television show in America to focus on, Dancing with People.

The Pain of Football

2011-09-12T07:00:00.000-05:00

Thank God it's finally football season. Fuck me it's finally football season.

I think you know what I mean. In case you missed it, the Fighting Irish lost to Michigan 35-31 on a last second miracle touchdown after leading 24-7 at the beginning of the fourth quarter. The very next day, the Peyton Manning-less Colts got whipped 34-7 by the Houston Texans. A bad football weekend for me. Heartbreaking, even.

Have you ever been dumped before? I mean really dumped. You were in love and you thought that maybe this person was "the one." Suddenly, he or she shows up and says, "It's over." Your world crumbles around you, you drink more than you should and you are just broken. It takes you months to recover and you wonder if you will ever love again.

Time passes. The hurt has slowly faded until it's barely perceptible, but the memory of it is still there. You start testing the waters and trying to get back into the game. You slowly begin to realize that you learned more about yourself from the breakup than you had while you were with your partner. In fact, you now understand that the only reason you felt such terrible pain was because you also experienced such fantastic joy when you were with that person. You've come away with the knowledge that in a relationship you can only experience joy if you are willing to allow yourself to experience the same amount of pain. You've experienced that pain and you survived, so you decide to let go. You know what happens? You find something awesome. You find someone that makes you happier than anyone ever has before, but you know deep down that this person can also hurt you more than anyone ever has before. But you're okay with that. You know you'll survive and you know the power of your potential happiness is worth way more than a few months of pain.

You know that feeling? Yeah. That's why I'll take that horrible feeling I have from Saturday night through right now. Notre Dame's loss was brutal. I can't really imagine a much tougher way to lose a football game. It honestly effected my mood, but I know that the hurt I felt will be eclipsed by the joy that I feel when this team finally puts it all together. Maybe not this year, but sometime they'll put it together and when they do it will be awesome.

The Colts? Well, they’re fucked. At least I got to celebrate a Super Bowl.

****

Don't Mess with Texas Football? Too Late.

2011-09-09T12:30:00.000-05:00

For those of you who don’t follow college football, there is a big hoohah going on right now over Texas A&M. They want to leave their current conference, The Big 12, to join the SEC. Basically, they’re pissed that Texas (the University of) got their own TV network so they want to take their ball and go to someone else’s home. There’s a good chance that Texas A&M’s exit from the Big 12 may mean the end of the conference because the other top teams may look for other conferences to join as well.

Anyway, Baylor — who is one of the traditionally worst football teams in the conference — has created an unintentionally hilarious website in reaction to this whole thing.

You can see it below.

My favorite part is the bullet points. They all begin with “Will Texans…” Will they “stand by,” will they “sit and watch?” Yes, they will do exactly that. Why? Because these universities will do whatever the hell they want, and because your little “Take a Stand Now” link goes to a page that tells them to write to the presidents of the other Texas schools. This is the Internet, people don’t want to have to click more than twice to do anything. Nice try. You’d do better to set up a search and grab all of the angry tweets.

Let’s pick it apart a little more:

“Will Texans stand by and watch hundred-year-old rivalries be cast aside as the state’s largest universities align themselves with other states across the country?” and “Will Texans sit and watch as Texas’ flagship universities pledge their loyalties to other states?”

These Texas schools (Texas A&M, Texas, Texas Tech) are already aligned with other states across the country. They are in the Big 12 with Iowa State, Kansas, Kansas State, Missouri, Oklahoma and Oklahoma State. Last time I checked Iowa, Kansas, Missouri and Oklahoma are still states. States that Texas’ flagship universities have aligned themselves with.

“Will Texans stand by as our most promising student athletes are lured out of Texas by new rivals?”

As opposed to your old rivals who have large numbers of Texans on their rosters? Like Oklahoma with 58 Texans or Oklahoma St. With 67 Texans or Missouri and Kansas with 37 Texans or Iowa St. with 23 Texans or Kansas St. With 18 Texans? But it’s the devil you know, isn’t it Baylor?

“Will Texans watch as our most precious resources—the great minds of the next generation—are exported to new conference institutions?”

Do you include Vince Young as one of the “great minds” who is one of Texas’ “most precious resources?” Are you really calling your football players the “great minds of the next generation?” I’m sure some of them are but only if they immediately stop killing brain cells by smashing into one another.

Don’t mess with Texas football? When Baylor is waving that flag, Texas football is already screwed.

Also, Texas, get over yourself.

****

The Friday Roundup

2011-09-09T07:00:00.000-05:00

It’s officially full-on football season. College and the NFL have both kicked off. Everything is right with the world. Also, here’s the Friday Roundup. Also, also, stay tuned for another post later this afternoon.

This Week in Mindsilt

Monday:

I shared my thoughts on Notre Dame’s stormy opening loss to USF.

Tuesday:

My review of this week’s episode of The Bachelor Pad.

Tweets of the Week

From Sean Kelley:

Every time someone tells me they ordered a chocolate cake shake from Portillo’s, I think “IT’S TOO LATE! WALL-E IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!”

See it here.

From Danny Zuker:

To people who are afraid to fly: Statistically you are more likely to be executed by Rick Perry than die in a plane crash.

See it here.

From the Mindsilt Archives

A story about me, The Tonight Show and getting busted by my Dad.

Video of the Week

PB&J from my good buddies Tim and Micah.

pb&j from tim and micah project on Vimeo.

****

The Bachelor Pad Episode #5 - A Review

2011-09-06T15:30:00.000-05:00

The folks at the Bachelor Pad have decided that we give a shit about Michael and Holly so get ready for a big dose of the whiniest man on the planet. Has no one ever told him that loving someone does not entitle you to be with that person? Hold on to your seats. You’re about to fall off of them from boredom.

Blake is relieved that Melissa is gone and he wants to end up with Holly. They are all about to go to bed when Chris comes in and tells them that they will be competing as a couple from this point forward and that it would be wise to get to know each other. Holly wants to be Blake’s partner but she’s sticking with Michael because she made him a promise. Blake and Erica end up as partners. Erica thinks this is the best thing for him, because she thinks she’s way smarter and way prettier than Holly. I’m not sure where in the world this would be true.

While the couples try to learn as much as possible about each other, Kasey and Vienna go straight to bed because they are confident they will win. Famous last naps.

The Challenge — The Nearlywed Game

It’s exactly like the Newlywed Game only with a lot more douche. The winners get a rose and a date, the second place couple also gets a date.

Blake and Erica get off to a fast start and they are tied for the lead with Michelle and Graham. Kasey and Vienna are comically bad. When Chris asks, “What feature do your exes miss the most,” Vienna gave the answer of “boobs” but Kasey answered “teeth.” Teeth? They’re being terrible on purpose, right?

When people are asked anything negative, they all answer Blake. I’m still not entirely clear what horrible thing he has done to each of them. I understand why Michael has a beef even though I don’t think it’s legitimate. The rest of them? I don’t get it.

When Erica is asked who Blake would sleep with if he could sleep with anyone else in the house, she correctly responds, “Holly.” We get the obligatory shot of Michael pouting. Holly is asked the same question and she answers, “Blake.” Michael guesses himself because he’s a fucking psychopath.

When the couples are asked how old they were when they lost their virginity and Graham answers 7 and Michelle guesses correctly, everyone realizes that Graham and Michelle worked out a system. Any questions that require a number they answer 7. Any questions that require a non-gender specific cast member, they answer Michael. Any questions that require a girl cast member, they answer Holly. Even with this plan, Michelle still screws it up but they still win because Erica is confused by a very simple question.

Graham and Michelle win the roses. Blake and Erica win a date.

Blake is resigned to the fact that he’s going home and he’s decided to just have fun. Holly immediately begins flirting with him. When Erica asks Michael if it bugs him he says, “He’s not a good dude.” Erica tries to explain to him that his anger is misplaced because “it takes two to tango.” Yet, Michael is still pissed at Blake and not at all at Holly because of some kind of “Guy Code.”

A quick note on “The Guy Code.” It’s bullshit. The people who adhere to it have no idea what life is like with a wife you love and enjoy. It also assumes that men are the only people who make decisions about who can love who. If you invoke “The Guy Code” you are a retarded fool who knows nothing about how life works.

Graham and Michelle’s Date

Michelle and Graham’s date starts with Helicopter. Oh, Helicopter. It’s good to see you again. I know you’ve moved on, but it’s still nice to see you. I wish you all the happiness in the world. Do me a favor, if Michael climbs in you, crash. Thanks.

Helicopter lands on the roof of a building in downtown L.A. They are suddenly transported to a gigantic hot tub where they will be screening the movie What’s Your Number. For us, the date turns into a promo for the movie. When the strip HORSE scene happens in the movie, Michelle and Graham make out. They are both totally in love, or at least in boner and lady boner.

Back in the House…

Kasey and Vienna begin fighting because he ripped a ring off her finger because she wouldn’t have sex with him. Yeah, it doesn’t make any sense to me, either. During the fight, he tells the cameras that she’s completely different in front of the cameras. Eventually he talks her into some hate cuddling.

Everyone talks trash about Blake while he’s on his date. Holly sits silently and wishes she was wearing cuter shoes.

Michael steals Holly away for another sad, pitiful moment. I get that you have to go after what you want, but she’s shot you down every single time. At some point this becomes assault.

Holly talks with Ella about Blake and Michael. She tells Ella about how Michael just walked away when she loved him the most. She talks about how great her date was with Blake. These are all things we all know. This show things we’re all stupid.

Blake and Erica’s Date

Their date card reads, “Your mission is romance.” Holly is jealous and Erica is upset that Blake is flirting with Holly. Everyone is miserable! Yay! Erica makes everyone leave so she can tell Blake that she’s not happy with their situation. She tries to win him over to her side by getting him to agree to try to send Michael home. Her true plan is to seduce Blake on the date. For someone who professes to be smart, she has an unreasonable understanding of her beauty and seductive powers.

She puts on her tiara and grabs her sexy lingerie and does not hide her plans to sleep with him. Before the date, Holly parades around in a bikini to remind Blake of what he’s missing.

Blake and Erica go to the Mission Inn. While exploring the catacombs Erica mentions to Blake that she converses with her dead friends and that she has an astrologer. You know, for credibility reasons. Blake just looks awkward the whole time.

When they sit down for dinner there are two roses on the table. Erica and Blake are to award another couple with the roses to save them from elimination. They can’t save themselves. Instead of talking strategy, Erica immediately begins trying to seduce Blake. She reaches down for his crotch and he pushes her away. He tries to turn her down as nicely as he can but she’s not having it. She continues to try to get him to sleep with her and even mentions that she brought “very sexy lingerie.” I’m not sure why he continues to be nice at this point. When is he going to realize that she’s his partner and that her fate is tied to his? He doesn’t have to make friends. If she tries to screw him, she screws herself. When Blake finally tells her she’s full of shit, she says, “You’re worried about your reputation and that’s fucked up.” She’s pissed because he won’t sleep with her. Did she really think she had a chance?

After the Dates

The next morning Erica acts like nothing happened (which it didn’t, technically) and they decide to move past it. They approach Ella and Kirk about the roses in the hopes of making a deal to stay in the house. Blake is hoping Kirk can convince Graham and Michelle to keep them in the house. When they approach Vienna and Kasey, Kasey immediately tells them to give them the roses because it’s the only way to be safe. He promises that Graham and Michelle will vote with them. They buy Kasey’s story and give the roses to Kasey and Vienna because they want to go home. Yes, let’s give the roses to the least trustworthy people in the house and expect them to keep you around.

Ella breaks down. Kasey and Vienna gloat. Kasey immediately wonders if he still wants to help Blake and Erica. Ella cries to the camera, “I’m trying to raise a nine year old by myself.” Really? Who is he with right now? Is he raising himself?

Chris announces that the women will cast the actual votes once the couples make their decision.

Michael wants Blake gone and goes to Graham to convince him to vote out Blake and Erica. They agree. Kasey and Vienna try to use their influence to convince Graham and Michelle to vote for Kirk and Ella but Graham and Michelle won’t budge. They blindly hate Blake as much as everyone else. After all the pointless scheming, it comes down to Holly. Everyone has cast their votes and Holly has the power to save Blake. Michael tells her that it is completely up to her, but in a “I may cut both of our throats if you don’t vote Blake out” way.

Holly breaks down. She doesn’t want to hurt Michael, but she doesn’t want to lose Blake, either. If she sends Blake home, Michael will think that she loves him again. Time to put the hammer down on that, Holly. Crush Michael’s heart once and for all. Please. He needs to be crushed.

The Rose Ceremony

Holly decides to send Blake home. Blake is not terribly disappointed to be going home, he’s most upset about leaving Holly. Before he leaves, Holly gives him a note that reads, “This isn’t the end for us.” Kasey and Vienna, Kirk and Ella, Graham and Michelle and Michael and Holly remain.

Next week is the season finale. I can only assume it will be about six hours long. Ugh.

****

Thoughts on Notre Dame

2011-09-05T10:33:00.000-05:00

I know that most of you aren’t all that interested about football, so I figured I’d sneak a football post in on Labor Day when most of you will be away from your computers.

I went to the Notre Dame-USF game on Saturday and endured 91º heat and two major lightning storms that necessitated two different stadium evacuations. Here are a few things I learned from the experience.

People will tolerate one storm delay. In fact, they’ll even make the best of it. Add on a second one and people start getting pissed — especially when their team is losing to a team they should be killing.
Notre Dame fans are out of practice. They haven’t had to root for a really good team since about 1993 so they’ve forgotten the finer points. The crowd is about 20 seconds behind and often needs prompting from the scoreboard screen. They get loud after the opposing team is already at the line, not when they're calling the play in the huddle. Every team has a silent snap count they can use, they don’t all have a good way to call the play when it’s noisy. If the crowd gets loud for a 3rd and 1 and the defense gives it up, they pout for the next three plays instead of cheering the defense on to a big play on first down. Maybe that’s because the frustration level is so high with all the recent losing, but the fans in the stadium are there to help the team by getting loud at the right times. No pouting allowed.
I think the crowd was actually louder after the first delay when there were only about 65,000 as compared to the 81,000 before. My buddy speculated that everyone might be a little more comfortable and willing to cheer in a less crowded stadium.
I really, really hope that T.J. Jones and Theo Riddick dropped all those balls because of first game jitters, not because they don't have good hands. On the drive home, the ND radio announcers called Theo Riddick’s drops “uncharacteristic.” When a dude drops three passes and two punts in one game, it seems that drops are completely part of his character.
Cierre Wood is a stud and we really can't afford for him to get hurt. He and Rees were the major bright spots on the Notre Dame offense. Floyd too, but we expected that.
Dayne Crist is done a Notre Dame. Once he got pulled and Rees got the offense moving, he lost the job forever. I even think he lost the backup job. When Rees took a big hit, the freshman Everett Golson got his helmet on, not Crist. If Crist, who is a senior, isn’t the starter then he has to sit. They need to work on their quarterbacks of the future. It’s pretty amazing that it took him one half to go from first string to fourth string.
The refs seemed as rusty as Notre Dame's offense. From where I was sitting (northwest corner of the stadium) they were wildly inconsistent on their calls. Especially the late hits out of bounds. Floyd got pulled down from behind while three yards out of bounds and there was no flag, but a USF dude had one foot out of bounds and there were flags all over the place. Plus, there should have been a pass interference call on Crist’s interception in the end zone. However, it was still a bad throw.
Notre Dame’s defense is good. They kept the Irish in the ballgame. They gave up one big play (18 yards). Everything else was contained. I would have liked to see a turnover, but they were facing a veteran QB and a smart coach who was playing it safe with the lead. Bob Diaco (the defensive coordinator) dialed up a couple interesting packages where he replaced his defensive linemen with linebackers and ends. It had USF confused.
If the Irish offense can eliminate the turnovers and mental mistakes, this will be a very good football team. Too bad they had to have a game like this to start the season.

****

The Friday Roundup

2011-09-02T05:00:00.000-05:00

You know those people who always make everything look so easy? I’m one of those people that make screwing up look easy.

This Week in Mindsilt

Monday:

The Internet seems to think I’m and expert on tea.

Tuesday:

Another review of the Bachelor Pad. Rife with whiny dudes.

Thursday:

I wrote about taking care of my daughter.

Tweet of the Week

From Brett Mannes:

Jimmy John’s didn’t cut my pickle. It’s cucumbersome.

See it here.

From the Mindsilt Archives

Four completely true stories from my life written in exactly 50 words.

Video of the Week

Soap and magnets. Whoa.

Compressed 02 from Kim Pimmel on Vimeo.

****

Taking Care of My Daughter

2011-09-01T05:00:00.000-05:00

Sometimes my wife wants to get out of the house and attend some sort of adult gathering where she can have conversations with people who don’t have baby puke all over them. It’s those times when I get to take care of my daughter. I love taking care of my daughter and I love that Dee gets to go out, have some fun and show off her oversized boobies. That’s a treat for everyone.

Meanwhile, I’m back at home with Scarlett. I get to feed her and put her down for naps and change her diapers and all that stuff that everyone knows you have to do with a baby, but I get to do so much more. I get to sing to her. I don’t just sing her songs that everyone knows, either. I make up songs and sing them to her. Songs with titles like “Scarlett Loves Her Tummy Time” and “Tiny Little One” and “Chill It Out” (which is about love and french fries) and “It Sucks To Be Scarlett” (used when she’s crying about something) and “Scarlett’s Little Name” and “Other Tummy Time Song” (Tummy Time is prime make up songs time). It’s not all singing, either. There is dancing (which usually makes her puke so there’s not too much of that) and the aforementioned Tummy Time and Peek-a-Boo and doggy rides (don’t tell Dee) and every once in a while I get to give her a bath all by myself. Single parent style. No small feat.

Sunday was one of those days. I got to give Scarlett a bath while Dee took her boobies and went off to play with her friends. Everything was going great. Scarlett loves her bath and she was all smiles while I was washing her hair. I felt like a total pro. I transferred her over to her tiny little tub and she smiled and splashed a little while I washed behind her ears and between her toes and between her adorable little fat rolls (no, Scarlett, the tub does not make your butt look too big).

At this point I’m thinking that I’m the front runner for Father of the Year. Then it comes time to take her out of the bath. I realize that there’s no good way to snatch her out of the tub without completely drenching her towel, dripping wet baby everywhere or doing a dangerous one-armed juggle with her and the towel. I ask her which she would prefer and she responds by smiling at me in a way that says, “Daddy, you’re such a rookie.” I say, “Don’t move,” and I lay her adorable hooded towel out on the bed. I dive back into the bathroom to see that she’s still sitting there happy as can be. I snatch her up out of the tub and hold her there for a second so that she can drip off. I then do the arms-straight-out-holding-a-wet-naked-baby-who-might-poop-or-pee-at-any-second sprint into the bedroom and set her down on the towel and quickly wrap her in it. I pull back the hood to see how Scarlett is handling this whole situation. She is laughing. She knows Daddy is doing something wrong and she thinks it’s hilarious. That’s my girl.

I can’t dally, though. This little poop machine could undo this bath at any second. I snatch her up, run into her room and plop her down on the changing table. I whip out a diaper and strap it on as fast as I possibly can. When I finish, I raise my hands in the air and say, “Done! What’s my time?” I look down at Ruthie who is wondering what the hell is going on and she looks back at me all, “What? I can’t work a stopwatch. Also, should I be alarmed?” Crisis averted. Still in the running for Father of the Year and I have a whole new appreciation for single parents. Seriously, when do single parents have time to poop?

****

The Bachelor Pad Episode #4 - A Review

2011-08-30T10:30:00.000-05:00

Finally! The thrilling conclusion to last week’s episode. What will Jake do? Will Kasey punch him in the face? Will Kasey get confused and punch Chris Harrison in the face? How will it end?

Chris calls Kasey’s name and after he accepts his rose, he kisses Vienna. Gross. When Jake is asked to say his goodbyes he says, “I have a few things. Even though we had a chance to do something really big, really special. It just didn’t happen, I think you’re sending the wrong guy home. I want to encourage everybody that if you want to win you’re going to have to step up and do the right thing. Start taking out the power couples and you know which ones you need to start with. Kasey, amazing meeting you. Vienna, my apologies, my heart forgiven. See you guys.” As he gets into the car Kasey says, “Kick rocks, dude. That just shows who the bigger man is, dude.” Does he mean literally? I think he means literally. They immediately cut to his solo interview where he says, “The devil’s gone.” Bigger man, indeed.

Our new villain.

In the limo Jake says that his goal was to get straight with Vienna and move on, then he adds, “I’m kinda glad to be out of that crazy house.”

Vienna thanks everyone for sending Jake home. Half of the house nearly pulls a face muscle trying to not roll their eyes. People seem to be getting fed up with Kasey and Vienna but not so fed up that they will actually vote them off.

Vienna says that her new plan is to keep her and Kasey, Michael and Holly, Graham and Michelle, and Kirk and Ella on the show. She says, “The rest are expendable.” Does she understand how the game works? Everyone else is expendable. Eight people cannot win the show.

The Challenge — Kissing Contest

Just like last year, everyone has to kiss everyone else. Each cast member is blindfolded and the cast members of opposite sex take turns kissing that person. The blindfolded person then votes for the best kisser by the numbers assigned to them. Vienna says, “Personally, I think it’s a disgusting competition.” Michelle bows out because of her daughter. Ella stays in for her son. Blake stays in for his penis.

Holly is the first blindfolded girl. All the guys give her a little peck out of respect for Michael. Blake is the exception. He spends about ten minutes making out with her. This drives Michael crazy. We’re all tired of this plot line already, right?

We’re then treated to a montage of Blake making out with each girl. Afterwards we see a montage of all of the girls changing their panties.

Ella and Erica go all out to win the competition. Ella seems to know what she is doing. Erica just seems hungry. The girls all agree that Kasey has bad breath. Is this a surprise?

Chris makes it clear that the vote wasn’t even close and that Ella and Blake are the winners. They will each get to take someone on a romantic one-on-one date.

Ella’s Date

Ella’s date card reads, “Your future is up in the air.” She chooses Kirk.

A convertible is sitting in the driveway waiting for their date. They are unreasonably excited about a car they get to drive for an hour, tops. They have a nice little fireside date which may or may not be on the Bachelor Pad campus. Kirk tells the story about the moldy house that almost killed him and Ella tells the story about her mom getting shot in front of her. Shouldn’t they know this already? All they had to do was watch the premiere. Kirk now wants to help Ella win. She gives him the rose and they go outside for a hot air balloon ride. Kissing ensues.

Normal dates are boring dates.

Back at the house…

Melissa is excited that Blake won the rose and says, “You’re carrying us now.” There is no doubt in her mind that she is going on the date.

Erica takes Blake out in the back and gives him a massage in the hopes of scoring the date. While she rubs him down, she tries to convince him to take her on the date. She does this mostly by talking trash about Melissa. A sound strategy. He’s enjoying the massage but clearly thinking about Holly the whole time.

Blake’s Date

Blake gets the date card and says, “The date card says, ‘Love is a slippery slope.” Melissa blurts out, “We could be going skiing.” Blake gives a speech about playing the game or something and then chooses Holly for the date. Melissa says, “That’s fucked up,” and storms out of the room. No one saw that coming. Michelle chases after her but says, “Melissa, this is the last time I’m going to help you.”

Cue what feels like 40 minutes of Melissa going crazy. She yells at Vienna, she yells at Kasey, she yells at Michael and says, “Holly doesn’t give two shits about you.” After yelling at about six other people, she then she stalks off to find Blake. Even George W. Bush has to be shocked at how quickly she squandered any goodwill that she might have earned by being wronged by Blake. Batshit crazy, this one.

In the limo Holly says, “I pretty much hate the house right now and I don’t want to be there.” Blake replies, “I think the house hates me.” They head to an airport and get into a private jet. Holly hopes they are not going skiing because she doesn’t know how to ski or snowboard. They go skiing and snowboarding. She crashes all over the place and they laugh the whole time. Holly declares it the “best date ever,” and says that, “she hasn’t thought about Michael at all.” Wait. Didn’t you just think about Michael? Nevermind.

Back at the house Michael is being a whiny bitch. There’s no way anyone could watch this and still respect this guy. Seriously, go to the pool and have Kasey hold you under. I’m sure he’d be glad to do it.

Blake gives Holly the rose and offers her the chance to stay the night with him at the ski lodge. She accepts both and they make out. Michael weeps by the fire.

Guys, this show is really boring.

The next morning, Michael is sitting on the couch by the front door waiting for her to come home. And you thought he couldn’t get any more pathetic. He hunts down Holly and asks her about the date. She tells him she kissed Blake. Michael responds, “Are you being serious? I can’t believe you kissed him. I can’t believe you’d do that to me. Why did you do that?” What did she do to you? YOU dumped HER. She’s free to do whatever she wants and it has absolutely no bearing on you. Michael is the guy driving down the expressway with his blinker on. I’m not a fighter but I want to fight this guy.

Pre-Rose Ceremony

The voting is back to normal. The Girls will vote off one guy and the guys will vote off one girl. People try to rally to get Kasey and Vienna sent home. Once Kasey discovers this he tells people, “This money is necessary for my grandmother to live.” If your grandmother is in such dire straits, shouldn’t you be with her right now? William has no chance against the dying grandmother strategy.

Because Michael hates himself, he tries to woo Holly by making his own little date for her by the pool. They talk about something but I’m too busy trying not to kill my family to pay any attention.

The guys were planning on voting for Vienna but Melissa is so fucking crazy that they really don’t have any other choice. When she realizes she’s on the way out, she takes it to the next level of crazy which only solidifies the voting bloc against her. Then everyone but William lies to her face about it.

Of course, she blames Blake.

The Rose Ceremony

William and Melissa go home. William admits that he’s not good at playing the game and gets a little choked up about leaving. Melissa just cries and turns away from the camera. This may have broken her for good. Fit her for a straightjacket and lock her away. She’s a danger to herself and others.

****

I'm an Expert on Tea

2011-08-29T05:00:00.000-05:00

I recently signed up up Klout.com. It's a website that scours your social media sites (like Twitter and Facebook) and attempts to tell you how influential you are on the Internet. It assigns you a score and tells you what kind of social media user you are. Normally, I'd never sign up for something like this but there was a free Spotify invite available so I did. I got my meaningless score and decided to check on which topics Klout thought I was influential. This is what I saw:

Hmmm. Chicago Cubs are at the top of the list? Really? I don't even like baseball. The only time I tweet about the Cubs is when I'm complaining about all the stupid Cubs fans mucking up my train ride home.

Barack Obama? Maybe. I've made a few jokes about him, but I'm pretty sure people aren't looking to me on what to think about the President. There are plenty of other assholes more than willing to tell you what to think about him.

Tea. Now we're finally making some sense. I mean anyone that knows me knows that I love tea. I get so many comments on this blog that read, "We know you love tea, but please post about something else every once in a while." The title of this blog comes from my favorite tea. I bet you didn't know that. I can't get enough tea. I love it so much I cook that shit up and inject it directly into my veins. Tea, tea, tea.

What?

This was the point where I stopped reading. Klout is clearly full of shit and only exists to give people free Spotify invites. I put absolutely no stock in it at all.

Don't forget to retweet me whenever you get the chance. Especially my tweets about tea.